The Search For Something More
Chapter 33 - Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them
Thank you to those who reviewed. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Enjoy and please review!
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Nathan felt a chill in the room and rubbed his tired eyes. Turning to his side he noticed Haley was gone and the door leading to their private balcony overlooking the pool was ajar. He reached over to his nightstand and quickly checked the baby monitor and saw his son asleep. As Jamie got older and slept longer through the night, he and Haley were comfortable leaving him in his own room instead of sleeping with them in the master.
Normally, Haley would be freezing but she didn't mind the cold air hitting her face. She finally felt like she could breath. She was lost in her own thoughts that she didn't hear the door fully open but she did feel Nathan as he came up from behind her and wrapped both of them up in a warm blanket.
"What're you doing here?" Nathan asked quietly, pressing his lips on top of her head.
"Just needed some air. Sorry if I woke you up."
"You know, I can't sleep with out you." Nathan turned her around so now she was facing him. "What's going on? You've been quiet all night."
"…." Haley looked down.
"Hales?" Nathan prodded. The start of the day started out great. Haley was so excited for everyone to be in the house for Christmas but something must've happened because her mood changed. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but he knew something was up. He didn't want to pressure her and knew that if there was something she needed to tell him, she would do so on her own time. But finding her here outside in the middle of the night started to get him worried.
Haley opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it.
"Come on, let's go inside." Nathan motioned for them to come back inside. Haley let Nathan silently lead her back into their bedroom. The forecast for tomorrow called for a change in wind direction and warmer weather but the night chill still had it's grasp on Tree Hill. As soon as Nathan closed the door, she instantly leapt into his arms and he gladly accepted her. He felt her tears against his bear chest and he just held her tighter, the blanket falling to the ground and Nathan warming her up with his arms.
"Hales, what's wrong?" He asked.
Haley sniffled and looked up at Nathan. He gently ran his thumb over her face to wipe her tears away. She wanted to speak, she wanted to tell him but she couldn't. It was so easy to get lost in her sorrows but being with Nathan always comforted her, even now.
"Hales?" He asked again but was cut off by her lips on his.
"Hales?" He repeated against her lips but she kissed him harder and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to her.
"Nathan, please." She said softly, almost pleading with him and her hands trailed down his back and onto his sides before pulling at the hem of his PJ bottoms. Her kisses and her hands instantly sent his body ablaze and as much as he wanted her to tell him what's wrong, he knew she wasn't ready to talk just yet. Besides, distracting each other with sex was something he couldn't pass up at the moment, especially since she just slipped her hand inside his boxers.
Nathan kissed back harder and led them back towards the bed. Haley felt the mattress hit the back of her knees and she instantly fell back. Nathan quickly dropped his PJ pants and boxers in one swift motion and instantly pounced on Haley. In between kisses, he lifted her top off and pretty soon, the rest of her clothes were discarded as well. The need to be connected as one was urgent and Haley opened her legs wide and held onto Nathan. Nathan took a hold of her hips and wasted no time in entering her in one quick thrust.
She moaned into his mouth and he kissed her back, his lips muffling their cries of pleasures. Nathan quickly picked up the pace, not wasting a moment as Haley grinded her hips furiously against his. She needed to feel something, anything and the pleasure Nathan was giving her was what she needed to escape the sadness that threatened to consume her.
"Nathan!" She cried his name as she became undone. Nathan soon followed, spilling everything he had in her. They laid their for a second, sweat now covering their bodies. Nathan pulled the covers over them and slid off to his side of the bed, pulling Haley close to him. She hugged him tight and rested her face against the crook of his neck.
"I should've seen it." Haley said softly after a few moments of silence. "The signs were there but I ignored it."
"Hales?"
"She was losing weight. She was more tired than usual."
"Haley, who are you talking about?"
"My mom." Haley choked out and looked up at Nathan. "Her .. her cancer's back." Haley buried her head back and started to cry.
"Oh Hales, I'm so sorry." Nathan held her tight, his heart breaking for his wife. He knew how close mother and daughter were, especially after Jimmy died.
"I don't know what to do."
"I know baby. Just let it out." Nathan rubbed her back.
She cried harder and Nathan held her as tightly as he could. He was never letting go of her. Ever.
The Next Day
Lydia passed a cup of tea towards Haley. Then she took a seat across from Haley and took a sip from her own cup.
"I'm sorry about yesterday." Haley spoke up. "I didn't mean to freak out."
"You didn't freak out. Actually you didn't say much of anything."
"I'm sorry, I was shocked. I still am."
"I know honey. It wasn't my intention to ruin your Christmas."
"My Christmas wasn't ruined mom. I got to spend it with you, and family, friends, Jamie and Nathan. It was one of the best Christmas's I ever had." Haley assured her.
"Well seeing that hickey you were trying to hide, I'm sure Nathan gave you a Christmas to remember." Lydia teased.
Haley blushed. "Mom, can you be serious for like one minute of my life."
Lydia laughed. "Sorry dear, I couldn't resist. For all you know, I might be a grandmother again." Lydia winked.
Haley smiled at the thought of having another child with Nathan but then she started thinking of Jamie's birth and the fact that someone might not be around anymore to see it happen. Lydia shifted uncomfortably in her seat and knew where her daughter's mind drifted to.
"How bad is it mom?"
"It doesn't look good." Lydia admitted.
"I thought the treatment worked. I thought you were in remission."
"It did work Haley-bob. The doctors never expected me to last this long but here I am. The treatment only worked for as long as it could."
"How long do you have mom?"
"A couple of weeks, a few months maybe." Lydia sighed. "I looked into everything. The cancer has spread. Doing chemo and radiation might buy me a few more months but I don't know."
"Oh mom."
"I'm sorry Haley but I don't know if I can go through treatment again. It was so much the last time, I don't .." Lydia chocked out.
"Oh Mom." Haley went over and hugged her mom tight.
"I don't know if I can go through it again Haley. Please don't ask me to do go through it." Lydia pleaded.
"Oh mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt like you had to hide this from me. I didn't mean to pressure you. Whatever you decide to do, I'm here mom." Haley hugged her mom tight.
"What I want is to live." Lydia replied. "With the precious moments I have left, I just want to live."
Haley nodded. "Mom, I'm sorry. Here I am being so selfish about how this would affect me. I know I pressured you the last time to get the treatment. I'm sorry for making you go through that."
"Oh Haley-bop. I may have not wanted to go through with it but I'm so happy I did. It bought me extra time that I didn't think I would have. It allowed me to spend time with my friends and family.. and most of all, I got to spend it with you and my grandson."
Haley nodded.
"I'm just sad, mom. I really wish Jamie would get to know you."
"But he will. Because when I look at you, I see me, I see your father. I'm never leaving you Haley-bop."
"I know." Haley sniffled. "I know."
"Oh my sweet baby. You were my youngest. I was so worried for you."
"Me? Mom, I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about."
"I'm fine Haley-bob. Part of the reason why I agreed to take the treatment last year was because I was so worried about you. When you broke up with Nathan and your father passed away, you seemed.. lost but now. I know you're going to be okay. All my children are grown up, happy and healthy, I couldn't.. I couldn't ask for anything more."
"And I am happy mom. I just want you to be happy as well."
"I am Haley-bop. I lived a great life and I know that my children.. all my children and grandchildren will be okay." Lydia pressed her forehead against Haley and the two shared an Eskimo-style kiss.
. . . . . .
The weather reports were right. Nathan couldn't believe how high the temperature rose once the sun started to shine. Warm air from the south was funneling through and Nathan didn't want to miss the opportunity to spend some time out doors during this balmy winter's day. Father and son were spending the day together as Haley was with her mom. He dropped Haley off earlier to Lydia's house and hoped for the best. But with news of Lydia's cancer returning, Nathan wasn't exactly sure what to do. He'd held Haley last night while she cried herself to sleep. Nathan didn't know what to expect later on but for now, he was going to make the best of the day with Jamie. With the warmer weather, Nathan went straight for the River Court. With the heat last summer and Jamie just being born, they didn't take Jamie out except for the occasional times in their backyard. This was Jamie's first time here and Nathan looked at his watch and wondered where the hell his brother was. Lucas was suppose to take pictures but like always, he was running late.
Nathan removed Jamie from his stroller, he was currently enamored by a small squishy baseball toy he received from Julian as a Christmas gift. Nathan frowned, a baseball had no place in the River Court but Jamie wouldn't stop playing with the damn thing. Jamie had a little orange basketball too but it still a little too big for Jamie to fully grasp. Of course Julian would give his son a baseball. He was lucky Jamie liked it, Nathan thought. At this point, Nathan personally had nothing against Julian, they hung out a few times, mostly in the presence of Haley, Lucas and their other friends but he wouldn't hang out with him one on one. They'd had casual conversations here and there and Nathan was able to open up to him about his experience during Jamie's birth. He wasn't jealous of Julian, at least not anymore but there was a time when Haley was his and Nathan was never the one for sharing.
Nathan looked down at Jamie and removed the offensive baseball. He cried for a second but Nathan bounced Jamie up and down to distract the boy. He looked so cute in his bear inspired fleece jumpsuit. Nathan was only wearing a light sweater and he wondered if he should remove Jamie's jumpsuit but at the risk of getting his son sick, he kept it on but he did remove the hood so Jamie can move his head more freely. Nathan sat on top of a nearby picnic table and stood Jamie up on his knees. Jamie instantly smiled and put his hand in his mouth. Jamie was such a ball of energy and it was nice to take him out of the house. Nathan couldn't wait for the summer, where hopefully Jamie would be walking and he and Haley can take him around more.
Nathan was busy playing with Jamie that he didn't hear the footsteps nearby nor see the man approaching them.
Dan cleared his throat and Nathan instantly held Jamie closer to him and held on to him tight.
"Hi Nathan."
Nathan didn't miss a beat. "What do you want?"
The last time Nathan saw Dan was in the hospital and his last words to him were, I'm done. Nathan meant every word. Dan sent cards to the house but he has never directly tried to contact him or Haley. Even though Tree Hill was a small town, Nathan was able to avoid his father until now.
"I just.." Dan tried to speak but words were failing him at the moment. "Can a I hold him?" He asked and Nathan looked at him like he was crazy.
"No." Nathan made a move to get up. Damn the stroller, he could buy another one. Nathan was ready to leave now. But Nathan caught a glimpse of sadness on his father's face and it was then that he allowed himself to look at him, to take a real look at him. From what Nathan knew, Dan stepped down as mayor. The rehab and the pressures of the job was too much for Dan to handle, especially so soon after his heart attack. Dan looked like he lost some weight and aged a little bit too, it was also clear that it had been at least a few days since he shaved. Quite frankly, he looked like shit, the once might Dan Scott looked like a shell of his former self.
"Why?" Nathan suddenly found himself asking.
"Because he's the only one in my world that doesn't know what I've done." Dan replied honestly.
"What, that his grandfather sabotaged his father's career and his parents' relationship or that he nearly died because your secretary and her girlfriend had it in for us?" Nathan bit back.
Dan flinched at his words and he shrunk back a bit. Nathan took a deep breath to calm himself after his initial burst of anger. With Dan, it was easy to get mad but for the past 6 months, Nathan only concentrated on the good of his life and neither he, Haley or Lucas ever talked about him anymore.
"I deserve that." Dan said quietly and started to walk back slowly.
Nathan couldn't believe he was feeling guilty. "Fine." Nathan mumbled.
"Only for a second." Nathan added. Nathan realized that being angry did no one any favors. He had moved on from Dan and he wasn't going to let his father hold him back any longer. Besides, Haley was over her mom's house, maybe one of the last precious moments Haley would have with her mom. Nathan wondered how he would feel if Dan were truly out of his life for good.
Dan's face instantly lit up and he made his way over to them and Nathan hesitated for a second but he let his Dad hold his son for the very first time.
"I forgot how it's like." Dan said in awe as Jamie smiled at the stranger before him. "He's so beautiful." Dan rocked him back and forth. "James Lucas Scott." Dan said softly.
"Jamie." Nathan replied. "We call him Jamie, among other things." It was true, Jamie had more nicknames than fingers on his hand. He hoped that when Jamie got older, he wouldn't get confused.
"Jamie Scott." Dan smiled. "And now, said Max, let the wild rumpus start."
"Where the wild things are." Nathan added softly.
"You remember?" Dan asked.
Nathan nodded. "We have a copy for Jamie back home."
"I remember reading it to you when you were younger. That seems like another life ago."
"It was." Nathan quickly replied. Nathan snapped himself out of the past and took his son back from his dad.
Dan took a few steps back, savoring the last glimpses of the family he long ago lost.
"I know you're gonna have to tell him about me someday. I'm sorry for that." Dan replied honestly and started backing away again.
"Dad!" Nathan called out.
Dan stopped.
"I don't hate you. I just don't know how to be around you and not feel hurt." Nathan replied honestly.
"I know." Dan gave a small smile. "I'm proud of you Nathan. You're already a much better father than I ever was… I'll.. I'll see you around."
"Yeah, maybe." Nathan replied and started to rock Jamie back and forth but for Dan Scott, a chance to perhaps spend time with his family would be something he would cling to.
Stepping away from the River Court, Dan was making his way out but on the way he saw Lucas walking in, a basketball in his hand. They both slowed down and stopped in front of each other. Father and son looked each other in the eye. Dan gave a small smile and nodded. Lucas eyed him momentarily before doing the same thing and with that Dan, was gone.
Lucas walked up to his brother and nephew.
"Were my eyes deceiving me or was Dan actually holding Jamie a minute ago?"
"He was." Nathan replied, handing over his son to his Uncle. Once Jamie saw Lucas, he squirmed out of his father's hold to be with his favorite Uncle.
"Hey buddy." Lucas put the ball down and kissed the top of Jamie's head and then turned back to his brother. "Why would you do that?" Lucas asked.
"Because I'm finally free of him." Nathan shrugged.
Lucas nodded in silent confirmation. It was hard to believe this was the same Nathan who used to give him hell when they were younger. Lucas was proud that Nathan was finally able to let go of his demons.
"Now you're late." Nathan bent down to grab the ball and immediately started to dribble towards the net and then dunking the ball in.
Jamie instantly clapped his hands wildly together.
"You like it when Daddy dunks the ball?" Nathan cooed to Jamie and Jamie continued to laugh as did Lucas and Nathan.
From a distance, Dan saw his sons and grandson playing together, a mixture of happiness and sadness engulfing him. At least they have each other, he thought to himself as he made his way back to his own quiet and empty home.
. . . . .. .
"I was finally able to put him down." Nathan stepped inside his bedroom and found his wife already in bed. Nathan took off his shirt and kicked off his slippers and joined her a second later. Haley instantly saddled up next to him.
"Did he enjoy the River Court?" Haley asked.
"Oh he loved it there." Nathan replied. "We didn't stay too long because the sun started to set and it started getting cooler but I can't wait to take him back there in the spring."
"I'm glad you guys enjoyed."
"But Dan was there too."
"Dan?" Haley sat up.
"Yeah, he asked to hold Jamie. I let him."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I figure after everything that's happened, I just have too many good things in my life to be mad at Dan anymore. I told him that I don't hate it and I meant it but it still doesn't change anything. Maybe in time but.. but not now."
"Well good for you Nathan." Haley leaned over and kissed him on the cheeks. "Believe me, Dan isn't my favorite person in the world but he's still your father and Jamie's grandfather." Haley started to sniffle and Nathan held her chin up.
"Hey, you okay baby?"
"Okay as I can be I guess." Haley blinked her eyes. All this talk about parents and grandparents had her instantly thinking about her mom.
Sensing where Haley's thoughts drifted to, "How did it go with your mom?" Nathan asked while tucking away a stray hair.
"Not good." Haley shook her head. "She only has a couple of weeks, maybe a few months." Haley's voice choked.
"Oh baby." Nathan hugged her tight.
"I'm trying to put on a brave face for my mom .. but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I'm brave enough."
"You are." Nathan said softly. "I've seen you do the most amazing things, even when all seems lost."
"I'm scared Nathan. I'm so scared."
"I know you are but I'm here Hales, I'm not going anywhere."
Haley caressed his cheeks. "I want you to know something, Nathan. If anything ever happens to me, if you, if you ever lose me-
"Hales…"
Haley cut him off. "I want you to know how happy you made me. How wonderful my life was with you and how I'll always be with you."
"Nothing's going to happen to you." Nathan replied.
"I know. I know, you're right. But if it does, I just, I want you to be okay, Nathan. And know that you and Jamie have made me so happy."
Nathan nodded and was about to speak but just on cue, Jamie's cries could be heard through the baby monitor.
Nathan made a move to get up but Haley stopped him.
"I'll get him." She said getting up.
A minute later, a now fully awake Jamie was bouncing in his mother's arms.
She sat on the bed and put Jamie down. Instantly, their little boy started to crawl and pounced on his father. Nathan placated him as he allowed Jamie to climb over him. Father and son laughed and Haley smiled along with them. Jamie climbed Nathan's chest and rested his little head against Nathan's shoulder. It seemed that Jamie just wanted to sleep with his dad. Nathan held him tight and Haley reached over to caress Jamie's blond locks.
Even though the news of her mother's cancer weighed heavily on her, Haley looked on at the two most important men in her life with a warm smile. Being with them filled her heart with more happiness than she could have ever imagined. She would cling to that, even now when darkness threatened to consume her. Leaning over to give Nathan a quick kiss and then giving one to Jamie, Haley looked into Nathan's piercing cobalt blue eyes, "It's not possible to be this in love."
To Be Continued . . . .