Part Three

Okay, so maybe things aren't going to work out between them after all. Because apparently Jesse just isn't a very nice person. And apparently that still matters. Because maybe Blaine is the most wrong-headed, idiotic, beautiful boy in the history of ever. And maybe it's possible that Jesse's dentist has recommended a mouth guard on account of all the frustrated teeth grinding that keeps happening.

Which is just so damn ironic that Jesse wants to scream.

He's tried. Lord knows he's tried. But Blaine is just... so not into him. And he doesn't know what to do to change that. In fact, he can't even think of a time when something like this has happened before. Which is why Jesse is taking what is sure to be the most epically wrong step in this whole sordid affair. Because something has to change. Something has to. Or his teeth won't survive into his twenties.

"But why would I ever help you?" Kurt asks, his face a perfect picture of incredulity.

"He doesn't like me because I'm not nice," Jesse explains. "But you're not nice and he dated you."

Kurt lets out an exasperated sigh. "Telling someone they aren't nice isn't the typical approach for getting them to do what you want."

"It's true. You're not nice. You're bitchy and sarcastic and very, very self-centered. It's what I like best about you." Jesse shoots him a smile. "And as to why you should help me, I instead ask you why you shouldn't help me. What personal harm have I ever done you?"

"Um... hello?" Kurt glowers up at Jesse. "You only broke the heart of my beloved teammate and thus foiled any chances of our winning Regionals."

Jesse laughs. He can't help himself. "Beloved teammate? Rachel Berry? The girl responsible for you never once getting the solo you deserved? Please. Tell that to someone who doesn't know you, sugar."

There is another put-upon sigh and then a dramatic huff. "Oh, all right. She's a self-absorbed hag. But what can you do? She's got the best voice of the lot of us and we need it if we want to succeed. Still, that doesn't mean that you can just waltz into everyone's lives looking all handsome and dashing, then break hearts willy-nilly and waltz right out when you're done."

"Back up a minute there, mister. I didn't waltz in with the intent to break any hearts. I wanted things to work out with Rachel more than anyone did. It's not my fault that she went behind my back with Finn and Puck."

Kurt pulls a face. "Fair enough. Point to you. But you still had a hidden agenda. You infiltrated our team with the intent to destroy it."

"Or I wanted to help my beloved coach reunite with the daughter she desperately regretted giving up at birth."

"Curse you and your clever comebacks." Kurt picks up a celery stick, examines it and then takes a hesitant bite. He chews once, then swallows. "You're right, you know. I'm not nice. But unlike you, I'm not nice in an agreeable way. I'm like a delicate rose, so pretty and so sweet, but try to grasp me and I'll prick you with my thorns."

Jesse nearly swallows his tongue. "There is so much going on in that metaphor that I don't even know where to start."

"Quite you, or I'll rethink my decision to help you seduce my favorite ex."

"Isn't he your only ex?"

Kurt's teeth snap off a section of celery in a decidedly menacing manner. "You clearly need to work on your charm."

"Nonsense. My charm is by far my best feature."

"And you wonder why Blaine wouldn't let you touch him with a ten-foot pole," Kurt mutters. "Boy, do I ever got my work cut out for me."

Although he would never admit it, a wave a relief washes over Jesse at those words. Because Kurt, for all his other issues, is the World's Best Plotter. "So..." he plops down on the chair across from Kurt. "What do you have in mind?"

"Clearly there needs to be a sing off."

That wave of relief? Turns out it was really just a wave of despair. "We already had one," Jesse mutters. "And I lost."

"Please." Kurt leans forward. "I thought you wanted to have the Sing Off To End All Sing Offs."

"I did."

Kurt taps his finger on the table. "And do you think the Eighteenth Annual Ohio State Voice Off counts?"

Jesse perks up. "No. No it doesn't. It doesn't even come close." He shakes his hair out of his eyes and just plain beams at Kurt. "Which means his win doesn't count."

"How could it?" Kurt smooths down the front of his shirt and sniffs. "I mean, did you see those judges? As if any of them have the slightest idea what true talent sounds like."

"I always liked you," Jesse says as he preens.

"Of course you did. I'm the only one of the Glee kids who has any sense of style. None of the others have half my flair for the dramatic."

Jesse laughs. "Not even Rachel?"

"Her?" Kurt sniffs again. "I would like to remind you there there is a difference between being dramatic and being a drama queen."

Jesse has to acknowledge the truth of that, even if it hits a little too close to home. "She's alright, yeah?" he asks.

"Rachel?" Kurt nods. "As alright as she'll ever be, anyway."

"I just," Jesse sighs. "It didn't end the way I wanted it to. I didn't expect us to be till-death-do-us-part or anything, but I didn't think it would be a flash-in-the-pan either. Call me crazy, but I wanted to still be friends." He shakes his head. "I should have known she was too much like me for that to happen."

"She's too busy wanting the things she doesn't have to appreciate what she does." Kurt scoots his chair a smidgen closer and pats Jesse's leg. "Now, I'm not excusing you for your egg smashing or anything," he says with narrowed eyes. "Don't even start to think that I am. But maybe we can put all that behind us."

Jesse nods. "The egg thing was taking it too far. But my team was pissed. I had no choice in the matter." He scowls. "And now oh-so-perfect Blaine won't so much as glance in my direction because of it. Where's the justice in that, I ask you?"

"Blaine has a very ridged sense of right and wrong," Kurt says as he returns to his snack. "And that, my friend, is how you are going to worm your sneaky little way into his golden heart."

"Golden heart?" Jesse smirks.

"Don't mock what you don't understand."

Jesse presses his lips tight to prevent himself from laughing. This is his best - well, only - shot at winning the prize. And he wasn't going to let this opportunity pass him by, even if it meant choking back the sound of his own happy laughter.

"Wait, what?"

Kurt gives Blaine an impatient look. "You heard me."

Blaine nods. "Yeah, I did. That doesn't mean what you said makes any sense."

"It makes perfect sense."

"Oh really?" Blaine cocks his head to the side and pins Kurt with an incredulous stare. "Care to explain?"

"I decided to help Jesse St. James." Kurt brushes his hair back off of his face. "What more is there to explain?"

Blaine laughs and shakes his head. He scoots closer to Kurt one the bed and lifts his shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe you could go into how you went from hating him to helping him in less than twenty-four hours. Or why you suddenly think that I should give him the time day when you were practically gloating about that fact that I couldn't stand him. Or, I don't know, you could say a little something about why you friended him on Facebook and then recommended him as a friend to me. Because that is just taking whatever it is you are doing way too far."

Kurt sighs. "I didn't want to have to tell you this, because I don't think it's very fair to you, but he won me over with his sad little puppy eyes and his adorably disheartened sighs." Kurt leans in close and stage whispers, "I don't know if you know or not, but I was very, very smitten with you. And I recognize the signs. That poor boy is so head over heels that he thinks the sky is down and the earth is up. And it's just not right, seeing him like that. Jesse St. James is a synonym for cocksure arrogance, not unrequited love."

"So what you are saying is that you took pity on him?" Blaine can't control his smile. "After all your huffing and puffing? You took pity on poor, unlovable Jesse St. James?"

Kurt slaps Blaine's arm. "He is not unlovable."

"He is to me." Blaine links his hands behind his head and leans back against his bedroom wall.

"Why?" Kurt demands, his face getting all pinched and angry looking.

Blaine opens his mouth, ready to snap off a list of likely reasons, then shuts it again with a frown. He tries to make sense out of the thoughts that are speeding around his head, then gives up with a ironic sigh. "He wants it too much."

"So?"

"So where's the fun in that?" Blaine rubs the back of his neck and tries not to blush. "It's just, well, I like a little more thrill than that. I mean, I don't want to have to claw my way into someone's heart, but I don't want them to fall down in front of me and beg me to love them either."

Kurt nods. "Yes, I can see that."

"And Jesse St. James is wearing holes in his knees from all his pavement time." Blaine wrinkles his nose. "When he's not acting like I should be oh so grateful that he bothers to notice me, that is. The way he smirks and preens and shakes those curls of his like he expects me to jump up and down and wag my tail in excitement," Blaine trails off with a shake of the head. He gazes out of the window for a moment then glances back at Kurt, who is watching him with an indescribable expression on his face. "Besides, he doesn't even know me. We've never had anything close to a meaningful conversation. So how can he possibly be in love with me? All he can possibly be in is lust, and I'm not into the self-centered, shallow type."

"But you think he's cute." Kurt studies his fingernails like they hold the meaning of life. "Don't even try to deny it. I've seen the way you look at him when you think no one is watching."

Blaine splutters a bit before finally admitting the truth with a sheepish, "Yeah." Then he straightens up and sternly says, "But that doesn't change anything at all."

"Of course not." Kurt gives him a knowing smile.

"I think a lot of things are cute. Flowers, for instance. And girls with big blue eyes and bouncy curls. That doesn't mean I'm going to run out and start dating them."

Kurt taps the side of his cheek. "I don't know. I think you would look good with a flower."

"And so I would," Blaine instantly agrees. "But I doubt the rest of the world would understand our love."

"Where as you and Jesse St. James..." Kurt lets his worlds trail off meaningfully.

Blaine shakes his head. "Not going to happen. I don't care how puppy-dogish he may be, he's still a cad and a rake."

"There you go, throwing my words back at me."

"You know I adore you," Blaine say with a fond look, "but you aren't going to change my mind."

Jesse's phone rings as he is walking across the living room in hunt of an afternoon snack. The music identifies it as Kurt and he eagerly hits the green button at the button of his screen and shoves the phone tight against his ear.

Kurt doesn't bother to say "hi" when Jesse answers his phone. Instead he skips right pass the small talk and in for the kill. "Do you want the good news or the bad?"

"Good." Jesse stops walking as he waits for Kurt to respond, knowing he won't be able to concentrate on anything as unimportant as food when the next ten minutes may very well determine his future happiness.

"He thinks you're cute."

Jesse pumps his fist. "Result!"

"But he also thinks you are unlovable."

Jesse's arm falls to his side. "Unlovable?" He slumps the wall. "Me?"

"Yes, you. Unless you know some other Jesse St. James he could be talking about," Kurt pauses, then says slowly, "You know, there is that porn star."

Jesse pulls the phone away from his head and scowls at it. "He is not confusing me with some slimy porn star. I'm the cute one. Me. Jesse St. James of the magnificent voice and swoon-worthy smile."

"Swoon-worthy smile?"

Jesse doesn't have to see Kurt to know he is smirking. "Yes. Swoon-worthy. Don't make me mention the magic powers of my hair."

"You think your hair has magic powers?"

Jesse runs a hand through the hair in question. "I know it does."

"Okay," Kurt manages to give the simple word about ten more syllables than it possess. "I'm not even going to touch that one."

"Never mind my hair," Jesse says in a rush of irritation, "what are we going to do about this 'unlovable' business?"

There is a long, long pause. A pause long enough for the world to form and fall apart again. Then Kurt says slowly, "Do you have any puppies?"

"What?"

"Or maybe a small child that can coo up at you?"

Jesse pulls the phone aware from his ear again and stares at it like its made out of moon cheese. When he puts it back to his ear he can here Kurt saying "Hello, hello. Anyone there?"

Jesse sighs and leans his head until it resting against the living room wall. "I'm here, for all the good it will do me."

"Okay, look, so maybe I'm not clear on how we are going to fix this right now, but I'm sure something will come to me." Kurt's voice is a little too high for Jesse to feel any confidence in his promises of future inspiration. "But let's not focus on that. Let's instead focus on your sing off."

Jesse lets out a morose sigh. "How is that at all helpful?"

"It will keep the memory of you fresh in his mind. And keep him occupied so that no one else can swoop in and steal your sweetie."

"Well, that's something, I guess." Jesse slides down the wall until he is sitting on his haunches.

Kurt makes an exasperated sound. "Stop worrying. I've got everything all figured out. Just show up at the practice room at two p.m. on Saturday."

"The practice room?"

"Yup. Two. On the dot." Kurt gives a happy little laugh. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun!"

Jesse does not agree with him in the slightest but he says "I'm looking forward to it" anyway.

Jesse stares down at the scrap of paper in his hand. "What fresh hell is this?"

Kurt shoots him a dark look. "Now don't start getting testy. You knew the rules when you agreed to this."

"The rules said I would pick my song from a hat. Yes. And I agreed. Yes. But this isn't a song." Jesse glares around the room. "'Punk Rock Girl'? By The Dead Milkmen? Really?" he lets out a disgusted snort of laughter. "Who even does that?

Rachel pops up, her hand raised high and a smile spread wide across her face. "I do."

Jesse narrows his eyes. "I should have known. You would do anything in your power to see me ruined."

Rachel's smile somehow manages to get wider. "Well, I had hoped that it would be you who picked it, naturally, but I'm sure that if Blaine had pulled my song from the hat he would have performed admirably. I saw him at the Voice Off last month and he has an amazing ability to turn even the most heinous song into something worth hearing."

Blaine blinks at her. "Um, thanks. I think. Although maybe next time don't insult my song choices."

"You're welcome," Rachel says with what Jesse recognizes as her attempt at a sincere expression.

"What did you pull?" Kurt asks, his face a happy combination of exasperation and amusement.

Blaine scratches his cheek. "'Baby Got Back'."

"WHAT?" Kurt spins towards the others in the room, amusement suddenly gone and a thundercloud in it's place. "Did none of you take my song suggestions seriously? 'Baby Got Back'? Who on earth picked that?"

"That would be me," Artie lifts one hand in the air.

"Were we supposed to write songs?" Brittany whispers loudly to Santana. "Because I drew a picture of a pony."

"Why are we even part of this?" Puck scowls. "Blaine's your boy and all, but he's not nearly cool enough for me to want to spend my Saturday listening to him sing. And Jesse is a punk ass bitch. So," he stands and shrugs into his leather jacket, "I'm outta here."

"Sit down."

Puck seems as taken back by the steel in Kurt's voice as Jesse is. His scowl deepens, but he sits back down. Kurt crosses his arms over his chest and lifts his eyebrows.

"I know none of you understand it, but Jesse is my friend and this sing off means a lot to him. I said I would help make it a success. And I'll be damned if I'm not going to keep my word because the lot of you are acting like sulky children."

Finn raises his hand. "I don't know about the rest of them, but I think my song was pretty epic."

"Oh?"

"'We Are The Champions.'" He points at Jesse. "Tell me he wouldn't kill that."

Jesse puffs up a bit. "Now that is a song worthy of my vocal talent."

"I still don't get why everyone hates you," Sam says with a frown. "All you did was break up with Rachel. Nobody seems pissed at Finn for doing that."

Jesse holds up his hands and opens his mouth, but is cut off by Rachel.

"He joined our team under false pretences and cruelly manipulated me so that he and his horrid squad of robots could throw us off our game and snatch Regionals from our outstretched hands."

Santana rolls her eyes. "The only problem I have with Jesse is that he touched your mangy self and now I can't hit that."

"I actually was happy when he dumped Rachel," Finn puts in. "Although looking back I can't really figure out why."

"I like his hair." Brittany beams at him. "It's so pretty."

"How do you ever get anything done on this team?" Blaine asks, a bemused smile on his face.

"Why are you even doing a sing off?" Mercedes asks with a toss of the head. "What is that supposed to prove?"

The room erupts in agreement. "Points to Mercedes," Quin says, not bothering to look up from the magazine she's reading.

Blaine turns to Jesse and gives him a confused look. "Why are we having a sing off?"

Jesse opens his mouth and then shuts it again. He can't really start spouting off about crushing hopes and dreams without looking like a grade-A idiot. Especially not when the hopes and dreams he plans to crush belong to the person asking him the question. And, well, lately that whole crushing thing seems sort of besides the point. Because, honestly, how does that end with Blaine liking him? And he wants Blaine to like him. Desperately. Which is also not something he can say in public without looking really, really pathetic.

"Congratulations," Rachel says snidely, "you've managed to turn Jesse St. James into a gap-mouthed fish."

That Jesse could respond to. "I am not a gap-mouthed fish." He glowers at her before turning towards Blaine. "And the reason for the sing off should be clear enough: to determine once and for all who the better singer is."

Blaine lets out a laugh. "Oh, you, of course. Is that even a question?"

There is a loud gasp from the assembled crowd. Followed by a quick round of oh-no-he-didn'ts and other exclamations of surprise. Jesse, for his part, finds that he is once again channeling a trout. His jaw drops, his eyes go big and all he can do is shake his head in stunned disbelief.

"No really, how do you get anything done?" Blaine gives them all the most baffled of baffled looks.

"Blaine is very modest," Kurt says with a fond smile. "And use to working as part of a large group." This statement is met with general confusion. Kurt sighs and tries again. "The Warbles put the interest and well being of the group above that of the individual. No one ever complains that their part is too small or unimportant because they all understand that they will shine brighter as a whole than they ever could on their own."

"Ah, sweetheart, you did listen," Blaine says fondly, his eyes all aglow.

Kurt lifts a shoulder. "You did go on about it a bit. I would have had to be deaf not to have taken some of it in."

They smile at each other in a way that makes Jesse's stomach churn. Thankfully, it seems to be having the same effect on Rachel. She gives them a look of pure horror and then holds up a hand as if to stop whatever has infected them from getting to her too.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she snips. "And I'm going to just erase it from my mind."

"Show choir is stupid," Lauren says with a shake of the head. "I don't care how hot the boys are."

Rachel gives her a look that ought to make her skin shrivel. "Okay, I don't get why you are even here. Kurt is back. We have the members we need. If you hate Glee so much you can just trample off already."

Lauren lets out a long, weary sigh. "No can do, boy hips. I promised Puck I would join this crappy little club if he gave me what I wanted. And he did. Believe me, he did. Which means you're stuck with me."

Puck smirks. "You gave as good as you got, sweet-cheeks." Lauren blows him a kiss and then gives Rachel stink eye.

"Now there's an image I'll never get out of my head," Santana mutters.

Blaine gives Kurt another one of those adoring looks that makes Jesse want to cut someone and says, "I understand you so much better now." Then he shifts that same melting look to Jesse and holds out a hand. "You're the better singer. We good?"

Jesse reaches for it before he has time to think about what he is doing. Then Blaine is smiling at him and shaking his hand and, oh god. He is not, he is not, turned on. At all.

"Are you blushing?" Rachel asks and Jesse decides then and there to kill her.