Truly, Madly, Dementedly

By now one would wonder what was happening in the ever exciting love life of Hermione Granger, it's been two whole months. Surely, Ms. Granger wasn't still single! Of course not and as the Daily Prophet so correctly mentioned (highly unusual behaviour), Hermione was dating none other than the so called sex god of Slytherin other than the hated arch nemesis throughout her Hogwart days…Blaise Zabini: the smooth talking, dark skinned, Italian man with his large hands and twinkly eyes. He could melt any woman's heart and Hermione just happened to be one who did the same in return. It seemed the gooeyness was mutual.

There was just one, teeny, tiny, minuscule, small, little problem. Women followed the guy like rabid fan girls that they were and frankly that freaked Hermione out, just a bit though. She was a Gryffindor wasn't she? She wouldn't let some rabid mad women chase her out of Blaise's life which was highly luxurious because of all the money he inherited after his mother finally passed away leaving him the riches of her 15 dead husbands. Yes you read that right, his mother always got it right, we still wonder how she managed to get rid of the pests we now know as husbands. Back to the story anyway.

Well, see Hermione was usually not one to be late or miss work but she did both in this case. Blaise's toned arms, the muscles on his back and arms which rippled smoothly as he walked, the dark hair which casually fell on his forehead as if in love with it and perfectly sculpted face. But mostly it was THAT part of the anatomy which kept Hermione in bed all day, exhausted and satisfied. Which woman wouldn't be happy with that, right? Wrong.

Women crowed around the Manor at all odd times of the night begging Blaise to father their children, it was obvious they just wanted to get in his pants, again which woman wouldn't? And while they made love all Hermione could hear was not the wild animal like grunts that usually accompany such activities as rutting to put it blandly; rather she heard the screeches of the mad women gathered around the manor waiting to pounce on the hulk of a man, with his black eyes which twinkled like freshly cooled tar, hear the seductive voice that beckoned these crazies in their dreams, undress the man in question in their heads. Yes, Blaise Zabini had filled out and decided to take a chance on a Gryffindor no less, which just happened to be the Gryffindor princess Hermione.

Which of course neither Draco Malfoy nor Pansy Parkinson could digest as they dropped by for lunch and whatnot, it didn't take much guessing to say that the two of them were busy in lustful activities, going at it like the Duracell bunnies when they disappeared together from the dining table. This new busy life that Hermione had led to her compromising her job and therefore she decided to pull an experiment to contain the powerful pheromones of a certain Zabini and she got to work. Of course Hermione was one of the best but even the best make mistakes. Because as Hermione brewed the potion she added too little Boomslang skin and too many fish eggs. Which she didn't notice (unusually for her) as she was running late for office. And so was created a potion which would make Mr. Zabini the most attractive man alive. The consequences? We shall soon find out as a sleepy and clad in nothing but pyjama bottoms stunning Blaise happened to chance upon Hermione's potion which was yet untested and in his drowsiness he happened to swallow the entire thing.

All there was left was an astonished Hermione who was run over by a mob of mad with lust women, women aged from 19 to 90, no joke. What Hermione discovered then was that she had made a mistake.

'Oh Merlin's pants! No! No! No!' her mind screamed at her mercilessly, she had just realized what would happen if she made the potion incorrectly. She apparated right through the wards specifically designed to allow only certain people in, only to fall to the floor….Why? Because her knees were so weak with lust she couldn't even stand anymore.

Then as she raised her bushy mane up ahead one of the most horrifying sights awaited her: A dementor.

'Oh Crap. I'm so dead' was Hermione's thought before the lust and fear in her were ensconced into a fierce battle which didn't last long because the dementor who just happened to be flying overhead their Manor, which just happened to have no protection against dementors, who just happened to be female (yes they have genders too). Because the dementor raised a bit of his hood and made a sniffing motion and Hermione could not for the life of her figure out how dementors were even capable of that.

The dementor glided across the grand living room and past the kitchen on her way to their bedroom.

'BEDROOM!' was Hermione's shocked though as the jolt of pure astonishment brought her back to reality. The dementor was after Blaise.

Hermione then stood up after what seemed a Herculean effort and ran behind the supposedly female dementor only to find the dementor trying to rip Blaise's clothes apart while simultaneously trying to kiss him. It was probably just sad how the dementor's puny brain forgot the minute detail: a dementor's kiss would leave Blaise with no soul. And then the make out session between human and dementor commenced till the dementor realized that she was kissing a soulless unresponsive body that feel limply in her weird arms covered by a hood.

Who knew that even dementors couldn't resist the bad boy charms of Blaise Zabini. Who knew there were female dementors. Who knew the earth was round and not flat. Hermione did, that's who.

And so the dementor left scared off apparently by Hermione's glare, if looks could kill. Or probably because of the glowing otter standing guard in front of her. Ah well that just left a bereft Hermione and a soulless Blaise in the room.

Hermione spoke softly into Blaise's ear then: 'Sorry, but I don't do soulless, demented creeps/men. Take your pick.' And with those parting words Hermione Granger left the Manor vowing to never to go after men again. Stupid creatures that they were.