A/N- Hi again :) just want to say how overwhelmed I was at the response to the last chapter. I got double the amount of reviews compared to normal, so just want to say thank you so much for that! It really did make me smile to read each and every one, its all of your comments that keep me going when it comes to this story!
So yeah, being that this is in Edward's POV This of course is a sad chapter - there's nothing happy about this. I know that quite a lot of you have been anticipating Edward's reaction to Bella's cancer for a while now, I have tried my best here, and I just really hope that I've done it justice.
So it was 29 reviews for the last chapter, can we match that? I would love to get this over 200! Please do let me know what you think, even if its just a couple of words.
I really hope you like this...
"You and I were friends from outer space,
Afraid to let go.
The only two who understood this place,
And as far as we know,
We were way before our time,
As bold as we were blind.
Just another perfect mistake,
Another bridge to take,
On the way to letting go.
This ain't goodbye,
This is just where love goes,
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold, oh no,
This ain't goodbye,
It's not where our story ends.
But I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been ,
As long as we've got time.
Then this ain't goodbye,
Oh no, this ain't goodbye."
~ This ain't goodbye, Train.
+ Eleanors lullaby (instrumental), Sounds from the lighthouse.
"A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works." ~T.E. Kalem
To Wish Impossible Things.
Chapter Twelve.
Edward Cullen.
September 2006.
"I'm dying, Edward, my cancer is terminal… I've got less then a year to live."
With those words, my life was shattered.
My world, my future - dear god every hope I had for the future - was destroyed.
The implication of what she said didn't take any time to sink in - I had known what she was going to say as she told me there was something else I needed to know.
I just knew.
The expression on her face… the feeling in the air… everything lead up to this moment, but before now I'd never even considered this possibility. To think, I'd actually been worrying that she was going to leave me! I would gladly take that instead of this, because this…
Well, there were no words to describe what I was feeling now.
Imagine accidentally falling from a cliff… you're terrified, helpless and afraid, but know you can't do anything to stop it as the menacing rocks below come closer and closer…
That was how I felt right now.
"No," I gasped, "it… it can't be true."
Bella looked down at the ground, twisting on blades of grass with her fingers. She was so delicate… so perfect. How could this be true?
I could feel myself shaking, and my eyes sting… like tears were fighting their way to the surface, but of course unable to fall.
I looked back at Bella - my beautiful girl - and found myself close to breaking down again. I needed something from her… something that could maybe tell me that this wasn't true, that I was just imagining this.
Please god, please don't let this be real.
"Please tell me it isn't true," I whispered shakily, cupping her face gently in my hands, "I'm begging you, Bella. Please, sweetheart just look into my eyes and tell me you were lying before, and that you're not dying."
She lifted her tear filled gaze up to meet mine, "I can't," she breathed.
Her tears were falling steadily down her cheeks and onto my palms which still rested on her skin. At that moment I so badly wished I could cry too… I needed someway to let this pain out.
I leant forward and rested my forehead against hers, letting her breath wash over my face, "how long did you say?" I asked her softly.
I knew my question didn't really make sense - my mind wasn't in the right place. But somehow, she understood what I meant - "erm, my doctor said maybe around June… he… he thinks I'll be lucky to make it to graduation."
June.
Just nine months away.
I let my forehead drop to her shoulder unable to support my head anymore, and let out a sound which was somewhere between a sob and a scream. I continued repeating it, finding that as I carried on the noise got louder, so loud that it echoed off the trees and probably for miles.
But it didn't frighten Bella though - instead she began running her hands through my hair, in a soothing motion.
That was how selfless she was… she was the one who was dying here, who had to cope with this horrible disease and the knowledge that she was never going to experience life, yet she was comforting me.
How could I lose her?
She was my whole world… she was the one I'd been waiting for, for so long.
I can't live without her… I just can't.
"I can't lose you," I sobbed against her shoulder, "I've just found you."
"I know, I'm sorry," she murmured soothingly.
"Don't apologise, its not your fault," I whispered.
She nodded but didn't say anything else.
I eventually managed to lift my head from my shoulder, and returned to my earlier position of cupping her face in my hands. Suddenly, determination took over me, and I found myself talking without really thinking.
"It will be okay, I'll take you back to my house and have Carlisle take a look at you, he specialises in this type of disease…"
But she was already shaking her head, mumbling 'no, Edward' over and over, but I still continued talking, unable to stop.
"Okay, I'll take you to the best doctor in the world then. I'll pay anything, I'll give all my money up to fly you across the world to him if that's what's needed. I swear, Bella, I will help you."
She was still shaking her head, her tears showing no signs of slowing,
"It's no use Edward, it's too late," she whispered.
"No! Don't say that, it can't be too late, I refuse to believe that. I know, we'll go tonight to this doctor, we'll leave right now! Please, Bella, let me help you. Let me do something to help you," I begged her, stroking her skin with my fingertips.
"You want to help me? Just be there for me, treat me the way you did before," she murmured sadly.
And act like nothings wrong? That's impossible…
"I don't know if I can," I admitted.
"Oh… I see," she whispered.
As I tried to figure out what to say next I took a couple of deep breaths, feeling dismayed when I smelt nothing… it was like I had gone numb. Like this wasn't real, and I wasn't really here.
Once again I so desperately wished that this was somehow a dream, so I could wake up now and we could be the way we were.
But then I thought back… and I couldn't help but wonder how I hadn't figured this out before…
That first day back in Biology, she'd felt faint… it was because she was sick.
The day in the car lot, when she argued with Jessica and then collapsed… it was because she was sick.
All those times she'd felt tired or nauseous… it was because she was sick.
Surely she must have known for a while then? A month or so? Maybe she'd found out just before I met her…
"When did you find out about this?" I asked her.
"July," she replied.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked, turning to look back at her.
"Because I wanted to be normal for a change… I wanted you to get to know the real me, without all of this," she told me softly.
"I understand," I replied, nodding.
"I'm sorry though, I never meant for you to fall in love with me," she whispered.
"Me falling in love with you was inevitable, I don't think you could have stopped me if you tried," I replied, as I gently brushed a tear from her cheek, "don't you see Bella? You and me… its destiny. I can't let this take you away from me."
"You can't stop, Edward. This cancer, me dying young… this is my destiny," she insisted.
"I refuse to believe that," I disagreed, "because if you die… if you leave me, I'll have nothing. I'll be nothing without you."
I knew my thoughts were selfish - it was Bella who deserved all of the sympathy here - but I couldn't help but think of the implications this would have of my life. The life I had lived alone for so long, and would soon live alone again… but this time, for the rest of eternity.
While I grieved for my long lost love… my Bella.
"You'll move on, you'll find someone else to love," she whispered.
"No, I won't," I shook my head.
She sighed, smiling slightly at me as she reached up to brush her hand through my hair, "You say that now, but a couple of years down the line when you're at college and I'm just a distant memory… you will want to love someone, you won't want to be alone anymore," she told me gently.
"I'll only ever love you," I insisted, knowing it was the complete truth. "I'll love you until the day I die."
"Me too," she smiled sadly, grabbing hold of my hands.
I leant down to kiss the back of her hand, and let out a small sob as I considered that soon enough I wouldn't be able to do this - she would be gone.
I let out another sob, "I just… I just can't believe it. How can you be dying? You're so perfect…"
"Not for much longer, Dr. Snow just confirmed that my healthy days are pretty much over," she whispered.
"It will be okay, I'll look after you," I promised her.
But she just shook her head, "I don't want to be a burden."
"You won't be… I love you, Bella, you will never be a burden to me,"
"I know that, but I just can't help but feel like I will be. Edward, there's a whole world out there, I don't want you to think that you can't live because you have to take care of your dying girlfriend," she murmured.
"Don't say things like that," I growled, "you are my world."
"But, Edward…"
"Just shut up!" I snapped, pulling my hands out of hers and standing out, "I don't want to hear things like this… Bella, you've just told me you're dying, which I haven't yet absorbed and now you're talking about me finding someone else and enjoying my life?"
By this point I was pacing, pulling at my hair harshly, "Do you not understand what you mean to me? Have I not shown it to you or not said it enough yet? Bella, if you realised all of this, there would be no possibility of you suggesting me loving another! It's just not possible."
I turned back to face her, and softened my voice, "You are the love of my life… and I'm devastated that I'm going to lose you soon. I honestly don't know how I'm going to live without you."
By this point I was sobbing, tearless gut wrenching sobs. I collapsed so I was on my knees, as they continued, growing louder and louder. Bella moved over to me then and wrapped her arms around me tightly as she cried with me. I waited several moments before wrapping my arms around her too, needing someone to hold onto.
She kept whispering she was sorry, and all I wanted to do was tell her to stop saying that but I couldn't find the words. Instead, I just continued to cry and hold her tightly, afraid of letting go of her.
We stayed in that position for a long time, until the sun was setting and the sky was darkening. We hadn't spoken for a long time, but were instead in a calm state, just clinging on to each other.
I knew we were running out of time though…
"I've got to go, Charlie will be home soon, I don't want to worry him," Bella whispered softly, the first one to break the silence in a while.
"Oh, okay," I sighed.
She pulled out of my arms and stood to her feet, "Do you want to come with me?" she asked.
I thought about it, but then decided not too, both of us needed a little time by ourselves. "No… I just need a little time alone, I'll come and see you later though," I replied quietly.
She seemed surprised by my answer, but tried to hide it, "Oh right… okay. Goodbye then," she murmured, turning to walk away.
Why did I get the feeling that the goodbye wasn't just for a couple of hours?
The way she said it made it sound so final… like she was saying goodbye forever.
"Wait!" I called, getting up to my feet. I quickly walked over to her and pulled her into my arms once more, kissing her forehead and then her cheek, before trailing my lips to the hollow of her ear and kissing her there, because I knew it was one of her favourite places to be kissed. I wanted to kiss her on the lips, but didn't know if now was an appropriate time, so didn't make a move too.
So I just settled with burying my face into her hair, squeezing her tighter to me. "This isn't goodbye Bella, I'll be there for you I promise," I whispered into her ear.
She finally raised her arms and fisted my shirt in her hands as she cried quietly, I gently shushed her and hummed a melody to her that sounded like a lullaby. I hoped that it was helping soothe her, because now that I wasn't sobbing myself, I realised how much I truly hated seeing her cry.
I was shocked, devastated and terrified at the implications of what she'd told me today… but I vowed to myself to always be strong for her. I would take care of her, and I would always be there for her until the end.
… No matter what.
EBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEB
It was hours later when I finally made it back to the house, and to my surprise no one was downstairs. I could hear Alice and Jasper upstairs talking about some sort of trip they were planning, but tuned their voices out.
Instead, I just walked through the house, alone. I stumbled along the way, pulled at my hair, and came close to screaming several times. Now that Bella had gone home, my sadness was turning into anger.
Anger… at the thought of the life we should have had together, the life she should have had… the life was that so unfairly being taken from her.
From us.
I turned towards the mantelpiece, where three framed pictures stood. Each of them contained a picture of the weddings in our family… Alice and Jaspers, Emmett's and Rosalie's, and Carlisle's and Esme's. They all looked so happy… but why wouldn't they be?
They had everything they would ever need… each other.
The moment I met Bella I thought back to these pictures, imagining a photo from our wedding up there sitting proudly alongside the others. Only now that wasn't going to happen was it? We would never get to be together for years… we probably wouldn't even make it to a year together.
My family had all they ever needed, but the only thing that I would ever need… the one person I loved more then the entire world… was going to be taken away from me, possibly in less then nine months.
Suddenly my arm swept out and knocked all of the pictures off the shelf, sending them crashing into the wall. The glass from the frames shattered, leaving it all imbedded in the carpet.
I sighed, immediately feeling horror for what I had done… but at the same time, I remembered how good it felt in that moment, to just let my anger at everything come out.
Alice and Jasper made their way downstairs, having heard the noise and gasped as they saw me hunched over, anger burning in my eyes.
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do… I wanted to let all of my anger and hurt out the only way I knew how.
At this point, I was walking towards the kitchen, but I turned back towards the main room, hell bent on destroying everything in my path.
And then… my piano caught my eye.
"No, Edward!" Alice screamed, seeing what I was about to do.
But I charged towards it undeterred… my piano meant a lot to me, but it didn't mean as much as Bella did. I would gladly smash it to pieces and burn it to ashes… if only it could mean that Bella never felt any pain.
Which was exactly what I was about to do.
But in this case I wasn't doing it for Bella… I was doing it for me. If using anger was the only way to numb this pain, then I had to.
I would do anything to get rid of this gut wrenching agony.
And with that thought, I raised my fist and smashed it into the piano over and over again. I smiled as I watched the wood splinter and then crack, falling to pieces. I then lifted the piano and flung it so it landed up side down, making a loud crashing sound as it broke into pieces.
Alice and Jasper stood there watching me, horror on both their faces, but neither of them attempted to stop me, knowing that there was a reason for this.
I had never acted like this before… and right now, I never wanted to stop.
I picked up the piano stool, raised it over my head and threw it at the window with such force, that the glass completely shattered. I continued to go around the room, throwing and destroying anything that got in my way.
I had just thrown our TV at the wall, when I heard several horrified gasps. I turned around to see my entire family standing in the doorway, all watching me with shocked expressions.
Esme was the first to step forward, her expression more concerned then anyone else - "oh, Edward, what happened?" she whispered.
I just stood there, still breathing heavily as I desperately tried to calm myself down.
"Is it Bella?" she asked me, as she took another step forward in my direction.
I nodded, unable to do anything else, and an instant Esme crossed the room and was holding me in her arms as I crumbled to the floor.
As Esme was calmly asking me what had happened I overheard the others whispering not so subtly, I ignored their comments finding that most of them were just concern for me.
But then one persons comment stood out for me, "should have known this was going to happen. That little bitch has left him," they snarled.
Rosalie.
In a second I was up, out of Esme's arms and was across the room, slamming Rosalie into the wall as I let out a ferocious growl that even had Emmett scared.
"Don't you dare call her that," I yelled at her, as I tightened my grip on her neck, "she hasn't left me, you've got it all wrong!"
"Well what has happened then?" she asked calmly, raising an eyebrow.
Emmett came over and pulled me off of her then, and I went willingly, knowing I would only end up hurting her if she dared say anything else.
I looked up at everyone to see them all watching me, and then turned back to Rosalie wanting to see how she reacted to this.
"She's… she's got cancer," I told her, "she came to tell me today."
Gasps echoed around the room at my words, but I held up my hand to stop them. I was shaking by this point, knowing that I desperately didn't want to say these words out loud - because it would make it all real - but also knowing that I had too.
"She's got leukaemia… she's got less then a year to live," I whispered.
"She's dying?" Rosalie gasped.
I nodded, "yes, she is."
Her expression turned extremely sympathetic then, "oh, Edward, if I would have known…"
"Save it, Rose," I cut her off, "save your apology for Bella herself."
I turned my back on her then, and stood and faced the rest of my family, who all looked devastated too, especially Alice and Esme.
I talked for a while with Emmett and Jasper, and then Carlisle who asked how much I knew about it - which wasn't really that much at all - and whether he wanted me to take a look at her records when he transferred to Fork's hospital next week.
I told him yes, but to not tell Bella about it.
Eventually it was just me, Alice and Esme in the room. We sat down on the destroyed sofa, and as they held me I spent quite a long time talking to them. Alice apologised for not seeing anything before that would have warned me about this. But I told her it wasn't her fault. She then let me know that more visions were beginning to appear now, but I let her know that I wasn't interested in seeing them - they would probably involve a sick Bella, which I wasn't ready to see yet.
I then apologised to Esme for the mess I'd made in the room, but she told me it was fine… she understood why I did it. I then opened up to both of them, telling them what had happened with me and Bella earlier, and just how devastated I was by this. I told them that I wasn't planning on living anymore when Bella died - and that I would go to the Volturi - which resulted in them being angry with me for a while.
But eventually we all calmed down… I calmed down.
And I wanted my Bella.
The sadness I was feeling was crushing, and the anger at all of this was overwhelming, and I knew for certain that it would take a long time for all of this to sink in - hell, it would probably never sink in.
But I also knew that I could spend hours, days or even weeks wallowing in my misery, or I could spend the time in the only place I truly wanted to be.
With Bella… while I still could.
I looked at the time, noticing it was just approaching ten, and made up my mind… I was going to her now. I just hoped she was still awake and that she wanted to see me.
I told Alice and Esme where I was going and set off on foot, walking across the lawn and towards the dark forest where my world had shattered earlier today. I closed my eyes and began running, trying to block it all out.
Soon, I would be with Bella, and it would all be okay.
However, as I ran I could still hear the thoughts of my family, which were a lot more subdued then normal, as they too were upset by this news.
But then to my surprise, I heard Alice's thoughts loud and clear, as they were directed at me…
'This doesn't have to the end for you and Bella, you know that right? There's one way you can save her… change her.'
Next chapter preview (subject to change):
(Bella)
"Bella, what's this?" Edward asked softly.
I sat up in my bed to see what he was looking at, and my eyes widened when I noticed he was looking at my list which was pinned up on the wall. It was my list I'd written back in July, with everything I wanted to achieve before I died on it.
I felt a blush forming over my face, embarrassed at him seeing it. What would he think? Would he think it was a stupid idea?
"You're blushing," he murmured, almost in awe, "okay, now I really have to know what this is about!"
Poor Edward huh? This chapter was so hard to write, at least its done now though, so we can carry on with the rest of it now that he finally knows :)
So what do you all think? Was it good? Bad? I would love some feedback, so please review!
Thanks for reading!