Air of Mystery; Hair of Slime

Of course we all know about the time when 'Voldy gone Mouldy'—as Peeves once put it—killed Severus Snape, but what we DON'T know is the other story that begun because of what you may ask? Dumbledore's utter genius of course. What else could it be? When our beloved Headmaster Albus Dumbledore made Severus Snape kill him he knew he was splitting Professor Snape's soul into two halves, one of which the greasy haired once-upon-a-time Headmaster stored in a bottle of what else? Graz's Great Grease Gloop!

Back to the present, a curly haired Ms. Granger has been hired recently by Headmistress McGonagall as the new Potions teacher owing to a lack of the same once Professor Slughorn decided that he's had quite enough of Hogwarts after a Slytherin set his robes on fire, the coward that he was, and quit Hogwarts for good. Now Ms. Granger sought after by many, many people due to her wondrous abilities with, well everything, and her innate intelligence not to mention knowledge of Muggles being a Muggle-born. The list goes on but Ms. Granger never at ease with her work environment or her perverted bosses as she had now bloomed into a beauty whose sexual needs could not possibly be addressed very well by her old and gray haired bosses to whose posts she got promoted leaving her with no one to satisfy her. Oh and also that little tryst with Miss Chang and the failure lesbianism had brought.

So then came Headmistress McGonagall with a new and brilliant proposition where she would have a chance to work with Professor Lockhart her old DADA professor who was still extremely handsome and finally employed never having had to tell the truth about his stories, he was also filthy rich. That was incentive enough for Hermione to pack up her bags and move to Hogwarts, again. But hey, what the heck? The pay was good, the men even better. She didn't exactly scoff at the idea of being cougar what with studly seventh years strutting about with such yummy goods at display.

'Focus Hermione! Teaching. Yes, teach them about the babbling beverage.'

Hermione's wandering mind returned to her classroom of fifth years staring anxiously at her face, at their new Potions teacher, the beautiful and highly renowned best friend to Harry Potter and Witch Weekly's second time Charming Smile winner, knocking even Lockhart out of the equation which of course made Lockhart chase after her. Which in turn led to strange events where Hermione woke up with Lockhart standing above her with a breakfast tray in hand or she turned a corner only to find Lockhart putting up 'I love Hermione Granger' poster. That amused the Slytherins to no end.

'Sweet Merlin! What is he doing in my class? That is crossing the limit!' So were Hermione's thoughts right before she blasted Lockhart with bat bogey hex, one which Ginny Potter had taught her over the summer after Voldemort's defeat. That made all the snickering cease immediately. Then Hermione went back to teaching just like that. Only to discover she was fresh out of bat eyes and hurried to Snape's old office which hadn't opened till now and began her search for bat eyes.

There she found not just Playwitch copies but also the bat eyes she came looking for and a peculiar bottle of grease. All these items she grabbed and stuffed into her little beaded bag and tucked the bag into her blouse. She returned to class just as the bell rang and gave up for the day, called in sick with McGonagall and got some Pepper-Up potion from Madam Pomfrey, the matronly nurse who still worked in the school even after an astonishing forty five years. She then retired to bed trying to find her reading glasses which she realized were in her bag, she put her into it and out came a bottle of grease which had just said, 'Hello' to her.

'Sweet Merlin! This thing speaks? ANOTHER HORCRUX! Where's the basilisk fang dammit!'

Then the thing spoke again, 'Ms. Granger is your name I presume? I'm Sev. Nice to meet you. You quite remind me of my friend Lilly you know. It would be kind of you to spare this half of my soul.'

'Oh,' was Hermione's intelligent response.

'Yes, well see I've been trapped here for a few years with only the better half of my memories. I'm not quite sure which year it is and where my body is.'

'Uhm well that's harsh. I think, that uhm, I can aid you in your search but I will first test you on where your loyalties lie.'

'That is to be expected and I shall withhold information on my identity till you trust me.' Droned the voice, it ebbed away leaving Hermione with little more than two nick names and a lot of confusion.

Then Hermione conducted a series of tests over the mysterious bottle of grease, even taking the liberty of applying some over herself just to see what would happen, nothing much took place other than making her extremely horny. Over the days the bottle challenged her intelligence in ways she'd never been challenged and slowly but surely the bottle and Hermione fell in love with each other. She spent hours speaking to it, way into the wee hours of the morning and it got stronger and then Hermione unable to control her lust for intelligent men decided to find his body and she was directed to the graveyard in Godric's Hollow, the place where Severus Snape had wished to be buried. She followed the directions which led her straight to Snape's grave and got his body up.

His body was protected by spells, never to rot and she admired his long face and high cheekbones and with one finger she traced the outlines of his face and did what she had been instructed to. She removed his clothes and started applying the grease all over him. Massaging his body, which wasn't required really. Then came moans from the supposed to be dead body of Severus Snape, and then he said, 'yes, yes! Lily keep doing that. You know that's how I like it baby!'

Hermione who was shocked yet incredibly turned on by his moans kept kneading his back and rubbing the grease on his body till the bottle was empty and Snape now sported a friction burn. Then his deep onyx eyes snapped open and his stare bore into her with such intensity she could feel herself orgasm right there and then.

'Sweet Merlin. I'm a goner now.' Hermione frantically thought as Snape continued to stare at her until finally; he kissed her, crushing his pale, wan lips to her plump ones.

That would be the happy ending one would think. But no, one day as Hermione and Snape taught a class together, yes you read that right, they taught the same subject together, their most promising student wanted to show them his Draught of Living Death. Snape went ahead leaving behind a disappointed Hermione who hadn't had sex for two whole days now due to their fight who then crept up behind him and whispered, 'I want you. NOW,' which scared poor Snape shitless. He fell into the perfectly brewed Draught which killed him. Now THAT was the end of Snape. You can't get him to come back for a second time you know?

At funeral Hermione simply said to the dead Snape, 'Sorry. I don't do dead men'.