We are now seventeen and that day at the carnival was the only memory I have of that smile.
I've been trying desperately to see it resurface; my quirky comments would cause a laugh or rupture a grin but never that smile. That smile that told me she was happy.
I've begun to believe that Santana hasn't been genuinely happy since that day and it leaves a morbid air around me that seems to follow me wherever I go. No one can see it because they never stare long enough to really see the affect Santana has on me but they stare enough to know I'm incapable of changing her.
After school Santana and I went to collect our things from the locker rooms as the other cheerios discuss Pucks new affection for Lauren and how super hot Finn is, Santana and I stand close together ruffling through our duffle bags. I sit down on the bench staring down at my feet, they felt like lead dragging me down.
Santana is talking about how stupid Puck is and how this is all just a phase that he needs to get over but I wasn't really paying attention and she must have known because once I snapped back into reality she stood there with her arms folded and her signature glare, a glare that was never usually reserved for me.
"Britt what the hell? Are you even listening to me?" She said with a coldness I can still feel today but I don't think she was expecting an answer because she slammed her locker door and rolled her eyes grabbing her duffle bag and walked towards the door as if she knew I would follow, and I did. "San, I'm sorry I was just thinking that's all." I said almost as a peace offering. She didn't say anything she just looped her arm through mine and we walked down the empty hallway.
She felt heavy, as if she was being weighed down by something internally and people would think that maybe she was just hurt over the fact Puck chose Lauren instead of her but I don't think that was it. She walked with a feigned confidence in each step but I knew it was an act, somewhat of a defense mechanism that no one could see through but me.
When we got outside into the parking lot I stared at her as she gave me a confused look, "Britt where's your car? Please tell me you didn't let your cat drive it again, god, I swear if you get into another accident your parents are just gonna take your license away… or kill your cat." The last part was said in haste and under her breath, she never liked my cat but that was beside the point.
I looked up at at her as if I hadn't heard a word she said, after a small pause I asked her, "Are you happy San?" It didn't catch her by surprise, she didn't fumble her words or become uncomfortable almost as if she knew I would ask her this. "I'm happy Britt, I mean Puck isn't that hot and i'll be back on the cheerios one way or another, it's not a big deal." I nodded as I watched her silently walk to her own car.
I grabbed my keys from my front pocket. My head hurt and my heart felt even worse, she had lied to me.