Never done a disclaimer, never thought I needed to. But just incase you're delusional too, I'll play.

I do not own any part of the TMNT universe.

Ok. Maybe one sewer grate. But that's it.

I just love being their dirty little pizza delivery girl.

Here

"You're not really here y'know."

I don't know why I said that, to the shadow in the dark that always seemed to wander wearily in, and sit at the edge of my vision. Didn't need to see though, to picture him in my mind; head bent, shoulders slumped. Like he was Atlas, and had the whole weight of the world upon him. Which I suppose for most of his life he did.

But not anymore.

I couldn't help but continue, and almost wanted to rip out my tongue as my mind kept up this sick fantasy.

"You're a ghost, an image, a made up reality of something I wished was real."

Damn. That was it, wasn't it? I shut down a few more windows and pushed away from my keyboard. That's the last time I visit those psychology websites.

But did it matter? Really? All the text books suggest that this was part of the grieving process and who am I to contradict the experts? Besides it was nice having him here. All alone. To myself. Late night talks like we used to.

I took my headset off as I waited for his reply. I held my breath for a moment, too frightened to speak. I held my fears, using every fibre I had, not to turn around, and find him gone.

Like he has been all along.

The battered leather of his empty chair sighed heavily, and my heart did too, as we both settled into our familiar kata. Our late night discussions.

A dark chuckle escaped his lips, as well as a heavy sigh. I chuckled too. With everything that had happened, he was still holding onto to the weight of the world. To what used to be. Perhaps it was me? After all this was my sick fantasy.

Keep it light, casual. Never scare the patient, never let the fear of the situation escape into your voice. Your eyes. Never let them know how much they're bleeding. Dying. How very little time they have left, with family. Friends. Brothers.

"So what's it like?"

Damn me and my big mouth. Damn me for all eternity. Damn the mutagen or fate or whatever it was that gave me this never ending thirst for understanding, knowledge, facts.

The truth.

I heard him shift uneasily, shuffle in his spot, and the grate of the chair gave it away. I sighed, and tried hard to keep the bitter tears of defeat inside, at least until the door slammed shut.

"Err ... I have to go now. C'ya soon ok?"

And then he was gone.

And I was alone again. To cry.

A few days later and the same senario. The same familiar creak of the chair, the same image in the corner of my eye. Same weight on his shoulders, perhaps even a little more now. Mikey had told me he had also been visited by Leo's presence, but was gone as soon as questions were asked.

I understood his heartache, but there wasn't much I could do. My research had shown up nothing. Nothing but trying to make Leo see himself for what he truly was, so he could get to the other side.

I had another chance now.

"You're not here y'know." The same statement said before. I knew this one wouldn't make him shy away.

The same shift in the chair again, the same dark chuckle. Like he was getting used to having our ancestors playing this twisted little game. Getting used to watching our hearts dispair when he would just shutdown, disappear. Crashed.

Our blue screen of death.

This was not the Leo I knew.

I had to ask again. I HAD to know. How to stop the pain. The bleeding. The sickness, The illness. This devil in the dark, that seemed to have the noose around our necks, and loved to watch us jerk and twitch.

"So..." I paused, trying to find a way to slide the scapel in, to cut out the infection, but still keep the soul alive.

The air in the lab changed since we last met. Softened. Hushed. Waiting. Expecting.

"... what's it like? Being dead?"

The well worn chuckle was back, like he already knew the punchline to my sad little joke. I wished he would tell it to me.

"I never knew it would hurt this bad."

"So it hurts?" This was a new one. I wondered briefly if I should be taking notes, or turning my webcam on to record. Pointless busywork, so I didn't feel the horrible gnawing sensation of Leo's pain added to my own.

"Yeah it hurts. It hurts bad. I don't know why you keep ignoring me all the time, like I'm not here, or somewhere else."

He didn't know. Oh Ancestors above, he honestly didn't KNOW!

I was going to be sick. All those times. All those times we looked through him, looked past him, ignored him as we went about our new daily routine. Ingnored his instructions in favour of someone else.

The three plates on the kitchen table. One less pizza in our order. One less "G'night Leo,", as we each went to our respective beds. I felt the cold steel of reality slice down my plastron. He just didn't get it.

I felt his need for answers burn my shell. Answers. Always answers. Whether dead or alive they always seemed to come to me. Like I was some wise prophet or all knowing oracle. Instead of a scared, confused guy just trying to make sense of it all. I had to shake my head sadly and sigh.

How was I going to tell him? This exact question always had me up at night, slicked with sweat, eyes crusty and sore, begging for unknown answers to unknown questions.

The day it happened sucker punched me where I lived, it's bitter memories tore at my brain.

Those eyes. Those beautiful onyx eyes that stared at me in disbelief, horror, confusion as they clouded over and slipped away. Slipped away because of everything I had done. Everything and nothing. Nothing I could do now would make it better. But still I had to try.

"Leo." His name. Short, simple. Sweet in a way. Anything but the complex conundrum I was facing now. My heart lurched and my breathing fell out of it's usual rhythm as I struggled to find the words.

"You're not here. You know that." Why was that simple concept so hard to accept?

"But.."

Here it came, and I braced for impact. This was always the hardest part, the human part if you could call it that, considering we were only part human. Fixing the bleeding and the breaks was easy, a relief if you will, from the bigger concern that happened after the instant.

This is when you had to stare into your brother's eyes and tell them the truth. Of what had happened. What had been done. What life was going to be like now.

"I am here." That voice. Where once it was strong, it now sounded weak, somehow. Where once it was decisive, it now sounded so lost and confused. Where once it held for us future promise, it now held nothing but the pain of the past.

"I've got to be here Donnie. Where else would I be?"

I rubbed my weary eyes and sighed. If I knew that, I wouldn't have been trawling those damn websites all night long.

"I dunno Leo. Where do you think you are? Does this feel like home to you?"

"No. Yes. Probably not." That confusion was back again, and I'm sure I heard his voice hitch a little and a breath turn slightly towards a sob. I held my headset harder now, so badly did I want to turn around give this ghost of our leader a hug.

"No. Donnie. It doesn't feel like home. Hasn't felt like home since it happened. I don't know why, I'm here aren't I? I'm trying to get you guys to see me but it's so damn difficult! I'm working harder, training harder, studying more all so you can see ..." I felt a subtle movement and I assumed he put his head in his hands.

"... so you can see me."

"So that's what you call it then? When you're away and out of our view?"

"Yes Donnie. What else would I call it? It't the truth you know. I wouldn't lie."

"To us? Probably not. But you've been known to lie to yourself Leo. More times than you care to admit."

The questioning feel to the air turned bitter and cold. The same familiar creak in the chair told me that he was about to go. I panicked in this moment like I always did, when I held a life or death decision in my hands. To press on and hope to heal? Or pull back and let fate decide?

I pressed on. Leo was hurting badly and I needed it to stop. Now.

"Is that why you're away from us all the time? For training? To better yourself? Because we miss you Leo. We honestly do."

"I know. Believe me I know. I don't want to be away from you like I am, but I just can't help it. It seems like I just go, disappear, end up somewhere I don't want to be. I want to be with you guys, I honestly do." The bravdo was breaking now, leaving the shadow of the spirit behind. "It's just life I guess."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. The irony of it all.

"Life? That's a funny word coming from you."

"Yeah. I suppose it is." I could almost feel his face split wide in a wry grin, and his shell pressing heavily into the back of the chair, as he relaxed some more. "Never been known for having a life, have I?"

"No. And you've got even less of one now."

"Why? Why do you keep saying that? Why this charade? Why all this avoiding me? I know you don't put my plate out anymore, and you ignore my order for pizza. I don't even get a "G' night Leo." anymore. So just tell me. Why?"

"Because what's the point? I mean seriously. What. Is. The. Point? You're not here, you haven't been since you went away. You went away, came back..." I tried to bite back the shameful tears of my failures on that fateful day, the day that made him what he was now, "... and then it happened. And you ended up like this. A spectre, a figure, a ghost. Something that just slipped in one day and dances in the shadows. We rarely see you, and if we do? You're gone the instant anyone tries to catch a hold of you."

"I don't mean for it to be this way." There was almost a soft plea to his voice now, but I knew the real Leonardo would never have stood for it. "I really don't. I want to be there for you, I do. I just, can't." A confused sigh escaped his lips as he tried to find the reason for his absence. I knew he couldn't.

"Isn't there time for us anymore?" I chided him gently.

"I want there to be. But I don't see how?"

"Hmmm." This required more thought than I had first given it. Now the option of having him stick around was growing on me. It certainly seemed better right now, then dealing with the loss. So what to do?

"Is there any way you could bunch up the time you're away into blocks? So they're all together? I'm not sure how it works, but maybe you could spend a bunch of time with us and then a block of time training?"

"I suppose that would work. I could try. I want to do what's right, so I can't miss the extra training, and well ... there maybe times when I'm just gone ok? It doesn't mean I'm not missing my brothers. And what we used to have before all of this."

What we used to have. Even I had to sigh as I thought about the broken form I imagined in the chair behind me. Choking back a sob, I let my known fears bubble to the surface. Funny how we become so unlike ourselves when faced with the unknown. If only I had known before being made unoffical leader. If only I had known before the fateful day. The day Leo found out.

If only I had known.

If.

Crtl+Alt+Del

Shut down. Cache dump. Restart.

Infection cleared. Vitals normal. Ease up on the morphine and bring our brother back home.

"I'm sorry." There. Another sentence issued from my lips before I even had a chance to analyse it. I hated when my brain farted like that.

Hated when I was caught out too. But it didn't matter. Seems when my mind is blank that's when the most healing thoughts come. I do my best work then. Which is why I long for the brain numbing silence of 3am. To get to grips with all of life's problems. Life's big machine. Life's all about mechancial problems.

Some slicked with grease instead of blood.

"I'm sorry too."

Three simple words. That's all any of us asked for, held our breath for since this madness began.

I held my breath for the creak in the chair that signaled the instant end to our conversation. When it came my heart dropped to the floor. I was just starting to get to grips with him and myself. It always happened. Right at the very edge, the lip, the peak, the apex. Like he was afraid of the height and just couldn't jump off. Couldn't commit to the nothingness below. Shouldn't. Wouldn't.

I wish he would. Just once. For us.

For me.

Warm. Soft and warm. Soft, warm, heavy and HERE!

Urgh. Physical manifestations of visual hallucinations. I knew what that meant. Wasn't like I hadn't reasearched the posibility. Schizophrenia. I always knew it would happen. There's only so much one can take before the brain breaks.

Oh well. May as well prove the point and get it over and done with. I hope the next Médecins Sans Frontières shipment we hit has a truckload of anti psychotics in them. I was going to need something. Bad.

Bracing for impact, for the harsh reality, I placed my hand on top of his on my shoulder. It was real. Felt real. Felt the breath of life pulsing through it as surely as I did my own.

But how could that be? Ever since it happened. Ever since it happened he hasn 't been here. Hasn't been home.

And now he was.

My heart soared as my mind crashed with the possibilities.

Onyx eyes peered at me as I craned my neck back for a deperate look. Clear. Kind. Friendly. I hadn't seen them like that since before he went away. All I had seen was the clouded confusion as he came back home and saw our family. What I had made it. What I had done.

"I haven't been the easiest guy to live with lately, I suppose." The quiet, strength started to flow through him. Soft relief started to flowed through me. "I suppose you guys were right, I haven't had much of a life, to date."

Keep it light, casual. Never scare the patient, never let the flood of relief; now that the situation has passed, escape into your voice. Your eyes. Never let them know how close they were to bleeding out. Dying. How very little time they might of had left, with family. Friends. Brothers.

"So I suppose you want us to stop with the non persona grata then? Stop pretending you're dead? Because you're going to have to stop acting like it Leo. We all miss you. Need you."

"Yeah. I'll stop. Or at least try. I miss not having my plate put out, and my name called and wished good night. It hurts Donnie. Hurts more than I can stand."

He spun my chair around and knelt down to look me in the eye and I knew our confident Leo was finally home. The clear onyx eyes. The quiet air of decisiveness, the confident pose of a leader.

It was those same onyx eyes that filled me with fear as he whispered soft and low, warning me of dangerous, future promises.

"Donnie?"

"Yeah Leo?"

"Go to bed and quit looking at those damn psychology websites. They're doing your head in."

A/N: Finally! Praise creation, I finally pinned down Leo long enough to get him to spill. At least I know now why he'd been avoiding everyone. Here's hoping there's finally some peace in the lair again. They sorely need it.

So yeah. Set in the 2007 movie if that fits your brain best.

Médecins Sans Frontières is a fantastic organisation that sends not only doctors but container loads of good medical supplies to third world countries, as well as the reasources to help ordinary people save lives and work the equipment they send. It's how I always pictured Donnie getting their medical supplies and knowledge, besides Dr Google. Support them if you can, they're a very worthwhile organisation.

Love, like, loathe. Give it some of your time to jot down a note or two. I'd love to hear what you think. If it's crap I'd like to know what to do to make it better. If it made you smile, I'd like to know that too.

Just like Donnie I suppose I need to know if I'm here. If any of us really are.