After Valentines day I began evaluating the deeper meaning in Santana's behavior. I started at the beginning.
Most people don't know why Santana seems to lack compassion towards others especially those who are below her on the social status but I think I know why.
Santana's mother died when she was eleven, she had cancer and death seemed inevitable. Maybe that was why she enjoyed the carnival so much, because at least for a moment she could escape playing nurse for her mother and actually be a kid.
I didn't know what cancer was at that age and naturally assumed that Santana's Mom's birthday landed in June or something. Santana never said it, she never admitted it to me, that her mother died but I could tell. Her eyes would be puffy and she wouldn't say much. I think she drained out all her compassion when her mother passed away almost as if she was unable to feel anything else other than grief and sorrow.
When her mom died I think a part of her died with her, a part of her I will probably never get back, but i'm not hopeless. Sometimes I see her laugh with an amount of ease I can't begin to describe and she seems like a kid again, or sometimes in Glee when she sings her voice conveys a sense of joy that i've missed so much and I think she's back but I realize those are just small moments and nothing is permanent.
Her father was a doctor and therefore hardly ever home. She liked staying at my house, at least three days out of the week she would sleep over and sometimes she would beg me not to leave her alone. No one would think that Santana could ever be so desperate for affection or maybe she was only desperate for my affection, at least i'd like to think.
She has always enjoyed being a bitch, sometimes I think it's because at least for a moment someone would notice her but later I realized she just wanted someone to care enough to tell her something. She used to say that the only reason she slept with guys was because it was expected of her being a cheerio and all but really she just needed someone to hold her and pretend they cared even if it was only for a moment.
I told her that I loved her when we were twelve and she brushed my words off as if they had meant nothing when they meant everything. I think she knew I meant it but she was scared and I was okay with waiting. I figured one day she would realize that I was always there waiting for her to be ready but that day hadn't come.
She loved me, I knew she did but her feelings were caged within her stone heart trying hard not to feel anything because feeling meant getting hurt, there were no exceptions.
I learned very quickly that Santana didn't like investing in people because they would always betray her in the end. I wondered if she thought I was capable of hurting her like that, she had to know I would never do anything to harm her but apparently she didn't seeing as she shielded her heart from mine.
Although her sweet lady kisses and constant pinky holding misled me many times i knew she was struggling. She was struggling to trust herself with me.
She should have known that I was the exception.