The Politically Correct Tale of Tinuviel

by The Battling Bard

Anyone else think Tolkien is sexist and racist? Well this is the cure for you. Tolkien's legendary tale of love, bravery and sacrifice rewritten for our politically correct times.

3. Tinwelint: Father In Law From Angband

Upon a time, our intrepid heroes came upon the abode of Luthien's father, Tinwelint, who also happened to be the elected leader of the inhabitants of the bio-forested region of Doriath.

When, however, Beren found himself before before the king he was abashed. And of the stateliness of Gwendeling, Tinwelint's elected co-leader, who was, as her daughter, of above average attractiveness, he was in great awe, and behold when the king said: "Who art thou that stumbleth into my halls unbidden?" He had nought to say.

Now, as you may imagine, a lifetime believing in the inherent superiority of the Sindar and the absolute legitimacy of the monarchy had turned the king into a vain, wisdom challenged tyrant.

Upon hearing of Beren and Luthiens love for each other he laughed heartily.

"Why! Wed my Tinuviel cleverest of the maidens of the world, and become an elected leader of the inhabitants of this bio-forested region- 'tis but a little boon for a stranger to ask," quoth Tinwelint. "Haply I may with right ask somewhat in return. Nothing great shall it be, a token only of thy esteem. Bring me a Silmaril from the crown of Melko, and that day Tinuviel weds thee, an she will."

"Indeed, for love of your daughter, I would commit myself to such a quest, for she is the cleverest and wittiest of all persons I have seen or dreamed of. And the Silmarils surely belong in your possession, and are so rare in beauty, they can only be looked upon by certain people. The kind of people you have in your realm. People who are politically correct, morally righteous, intellectually astute, culturally tolerant, and who don't drink, dance or laugh at racist jokes.

After some thought, the king looked upon Beren with a modecambe of admiration. For he was flattered by the fascist and testosterone heavy idea that his realm and it's inhabitants existed only to make him look good. It would be like having a trophy wife and multiplying the feeling by 100,000.

And so it happened that Beren embarked upon this perilous quest,and who knows what he shall chance upon the way, for this tale has just begun.