Over the last few days I tried to fix her but the more I tried the farther she pushed me away.
She sat in Glee club alone and refused to sit next to Artie and I, her possessive nature had dissipated into a loneliness that I can't bear to witness again. She used to need me by her side as if I was hers to own but now she discarded me as if I were nothing.
When Rachel sings an upbeat song encouraging everyone to get out of their seats and dance my arms always reach out desperate for hers and she never used to reject them until now.
Santana is heartless, that is what everyone tells me and I know that they just don't see her the way that I do. Where everyone sees a black hole beneath her chest sucking up all that is good and never returning the favor I see something else, I see a heart beating rapidly striving to be free from the strains. Underneath her tough exterior is a hidden beauty that very few see and I think that maybe it's good only I can see it because then everyone would adore Santana the way that I do.
The bell rings and I sigh in relief because school is finally over and maybe this time Santana will talk to me or at least acknowledge my presence. I find her in the hallway by her locker, a sad expression embedded on her delicate features and she seems lost not knowing where to go or what to do.
We used to have cheerios practice right about now and after we usually spent the rest of the day with the other girls gossiping and training more since coach Sylvester expected us to work all day everyday but now we didn't have cheerios practice to fill our time and I thought she would be relieved but she seemed more depressed about it.
I think she needed cheerios more than anyone. She didn't know what to do with her time, it's not like she had friends who actually cared about her or wanted to hang out with her besides me.
I know she was lonely, and I know that she went home to an empty house wallowing in her self pity. I didn't understand why she was ignoring me, didn't she know that I was still there? That even without cheerios I wanted to be there with her. I think she did know and that's why she pushed me farther away.
I stood in front of her hoping she would mirror my smile but she didn't, instead she just glanced at me as if I were a ghost, not really there. Her eyes conveyed a sense of loss as if she had given up trying. She slammed her locker door much harder than I had expected and it startled me a bit that I had to take a step back.
She now faced me her eyes meeting mine, "I'm sorry… didn't think that would be so loud." She said it with a sadness in her tone and I think she was apologizing for more than the slammed locker. I think she was saying sorry for everything, for ignoring me, for refusing my help, and more than anything I think she was sorry for the way she was.
She walked the other way, I could tell she didn't want me to follow so I didn't.
She was scared of this, of us, of what we had. She would never talk to me about, she would never confront me because confrontation meant admitting it was there, admitting she felt it too.
When I loved someone I told them, when Santana loved someone she repressed the feelings so deep beneath her soul until she convinced herself they didn't exist. She's never told me but I know that she feels it.
Just because the words are unable to leave her lips doesn't mean they aren't true. She shows me that she loves me sometimes and I feel the butterflies in my stomach gnawing at my heart. When she used to kiss me I knew that she didn't kiss anyone else the way she kissed me because it's different when you love someone, everything you do is different.