I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know if she kissed me to feel something or because she felt it was owed to me. It doesn't matter anymore anyways, now she's with Sam and sometimes I see her smile and its enough to convince me to stop, to stop whatever it is that i'm doing.

I wanted to confront her to yell at her and tell her to stop playing these games but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Instead I just walked around school trying not to show the fragments of my own shattered heart. I just wanted her to be happy and if Sam could give her the popularity she once craved or the title of Queen bitch around the school that she used to flaunt then maybe that was enough for me to back down.

Loving Santana is difficult and i'm sure Sam will figure that out or maybe not.

They broke up after two weeks which surprised everyone but me. Santana had never kept a boyfriend for more than a week besides Puck but Puck and her were always different. I thought that from all the guys at school Sam would be the one to make her happy but I guess no one in Ohio could really be enough for her.

We hadn't spoken much after that night she kissed me and I never brought it up mostly out of the fear she would deny it but lately I feel like maybe I should so that at least she could keep it as a memory.

It was raining and my parents were out late, it was their anniversary and they were always the romantic couple so I stayed at home by myself watching old movies where the guy always gets the girl in the end. I wish that I would have gotten the girl but my life wasn't a movie, if it was i'd definitely want to be Brad Pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith though.

My mind was scattered as I lay in my bed debating whether I should answer the five texts Artie had left me. I sighed, Artie was sweet but he didn't understand me at all and I sometimes wished he did.

As I lay there contemplating whether I was brave enough to watch a scary movie alone the doorbell rang. I ran down stairs hesitant to open the door but when I found the courage I finally opened it and Santana stood there in a rain soaked jacket as her bangs stuck to her forehead. She walked past me as if she didn't need to be asked to come in and I felt my body tense.

"Santana, what are you doing here? You're all wet and cold, you can catch hippo thermos." I said unaware of the fact that I meant hypothermia but somehow Santana understood what I meant but stayed silent. "San, what's wrong?" I asked, I was terrified, she was in my house on a friday night covered in rain and she was silent. I began to run scenarios in my head that maybe she was in a car accident or maybe she had a fight with her dad but my thoughts came to a halt when Santana unfolded her arms and looked me deep within my eyes as if she was searching for something.

"I know you're broken too Brittany." She said using my full name indicating the seriousness of the matter. "I see the way you hold Artie's hand but your eyes are always on me. I see how you walk around school with this smile that isn't real and I know that every time I brush you off it hurts… but it doesn't hurt as much as that night I kissed you and I think it's better this way… being apart… because at least you'll only hurt for moments."

My eyes began to water. Here i had thought that I was the one who paid too much attention, that I was the one observing but she had been doing the same. This was the only way Santana knew how to protect me, by taking herself out of the equation because at least I wouldn't have false hope for something she would never really be ready for.

She headed towards the door as if that was a proper explanation for everything that had been happening over the past few months. My fists curled for the first time and I felt all the anger that had built up begin to rush through my veins until I just said it, "Why do you do this Santana, why do you keep pushing me away?" My words were low but audible and they caused her to stop in her tracks.

She turned back quickly to face me, I could see the tears begin to fall from her eyes but still there was a sternness in them. "Because i'm scared Brittany!" She shouted with an eagerness to her tone as if she had been dying to tell someone. I stayed silent. Santana had been scared for a long time, she thought I didn't notice the way she used to wrap herself around the blankets to shield herself from the darkness and had progressed to using her cheerios uniform as protection against the cruel ways of high school. I had always known she was scared but now that it was verbalized I realized that even though Santana was scared she was brave.

She should have known she didn't have to bear the weight of her feelings alone, that although she never said it she was just another victim of love. She refused to accept it and it had been causing her insides to decay. She was scared of being happy again because she knew that one day it would fade just like her mother did.

I reached for her hand that was desperate for mine and held her. Makeup now ran down her eyes as she sobbed into my shoulder and I knew she was broken but I was there and I would piece her back together somehow.