My shirt was soaked with her tears and she held me tightly scared to let go for even a moment. I was the only thing keeping her together physically and figuratively.
When her sobbing soon became a hushed sniffle I took the opportunity to wipe the stray tears from her face; she was so fragile. No one had ever seen her this way, no one probably ever would.
She was always trying to have others perceive her as someone who didn't care, someone who was immune to the frustrations of teenage life but she wasn't bullet proof and tonight all the blows that she had taken over the last year became visible and she let me share her pain. No matter what she would tell me I was convinced that this wasn't her burden to bear alone.
She loved me, I know she did despite the fact she had never said those words I knew she meant them otherwise why would she come here? She needed me just as much as I needed her, she craved my touch just like I craved hers. The difference was that Santana caged herself from anything that would give her any enjoyment, real enjoyment anyways. She was scared to feel something real because in a moment it could be gone and she didn't want to feel hurt again she didn't want to be broken.
"I love you San." I said unable to control my own mouth as the words came out without any thought. I figured I would tell her now since i'd never have another opportunity to spill my feelings for her when she didn't have her tough exterior.
"I've always loved you and I…" I didn't even get a chance to say much more when Santana grasped my hands so tightly I felt a slight pain but it was eased within a moment and to my surprise she began to speak even if they were quiet words, "I can't Brittany… I don't know how to love you." Her head sunk down to the floor, she couldn't even look me in the eye and say it. I was crushed but I was still hopeful. She finally looked up at me the tears in her eyes had dried but there was still a sense of brokenness within her.
I felt the tears well up in my eyes as she stood there completely unaware of how much her words meant to me. She couldn't possibly know what it felt like to love someone who kept denying the truth. "You told me to wait so I waited, when Puck went to juvie you told me to kiss you so I kissed you. You cant expect me to feel nothing Santana, you cant expect me to just keep going as if you mean nothing to me because you mean everything to me." My words cracked each time I tried to say something more until I just gave up and let the tears stream from my face expecting them to disappear into my already soaked shirt.
Santana let out a deep sigh as if the whole ordeal was draining her. She didn't want to deal with this and she didn't want to be this vulnerable but by now she had no choice. "You don't want me Britt, I'm no good for you, i've cheated on every boyfriend i've ever had, i'm a complete bitch to everyone, and i'll probably never be honest about the things I feel… you deserve better and I deserve a lot less." I stood there listening to every word as she listed her excuses. She couldn't be more wrong. She cheated on every one of her boyfriends with me, she was never a bitch when I was around, and right now she was being honest about her feelings. Didn't she see that, didn't she see that she was already trying that she was already showing me that she did love me.
I opened my mouth to speak but I was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. My parents arrived home early. They seemed surprised at Santana and I standing in the middle of the living room both of us practically covered in our own tears, "You girls okay?" My dad said walking towards us.
Santana quickly let go of my hand and headed towards the door, "Yeah we're fine Mr. Pierce, we just watched a really sad movie about… you know penguins and stuff." She lied and I felt my heart sink down beneath my feet. She was running away again like she had always done but something was different. Before she left she gave me a look of loss as if she was saying goodbye for the last time.
My Dad came over to me putting an arm around my shoulders, "Well I knew we shouldn't have gotten you March of the Penguins, it's a real tear jerker." He said mostly to comfort me but I knew there wasn't anything he could possible say to heal the wound Santana had just left on my heart. I sighed as I gave a small smile to my parents and headed towards the stairs.
"Wait honey I think you dropped this, it was on the floor." He said handing me a crumbled piece of paper. I took it from his hand and unfolded the creases, it was the valentines day card. I felt my heart break even more.
We had both cried that night. We loved each other but she wasn't ready and I was too eager, at least thats what i've concluded. I decided that loving Santana was the most difficult thing i've ever done and I would continue to love her and fight for her as long as my heart kept beating because love was the only thing that ever mattered to me and it seemed to be the only thing that ever mattered to Santana otherwise she wouldn't have let me seen her that way, broken.