Bella wasn't sure what time it was when she awoke, but she instantly knew that she wasn't alone. Turning her head, she saw Edward sitting on the edge of her bed, gazing at her. Bella hid her surprise, since he hadn't done this- at least not at night- since before she'd gone to Canada and everything had changed between them. And now with him missing school, she had feared the worst, that it would be a very long time before she saw him again. She quickly sat up.

"Hey," she said gently. "I've missed you at school."

For a brief moment, a small smile flashed across his face. "You can go back to sleep," he said softly. "I was about to leave. I just wanted to make sure you were safe."

"Of course I am," she said gently.

"I worry about you, when you're in La Push," he said, averting his eyes and staring at the floor. "You know I can't keep my eye on you there."

They'd had this discussion, so she said nothing about it. She was tempted to bring up the night he'd followed her and Jacob to Port Angeles, but she didn't want to scare him off. So instead she said, "You can stay if you want. I can get up." Even as she said it, she yawned, and her eyes felt heavy.

"No," he said, reaching out a hand and brushing a stray tendril of hair from her face. He glanced away, as though wanting to say something but uncertain of how to bring it up. Then he seemed to think better of it, and he stood. His smile was strained when he turned it on her, almost painful. "I wonder," he said softly. "When you wake up, will you remember this, or will you think it was all a dream?"

"I'll remember," she said gently. "And if I don't, you can remind me." Again that pained smile. He said nothing, but she could read him better than he liked to admit. "Edward? Is something wrong?"

Again the hesitation, but he finally said, without looking at her, "Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."

Bella sat up straighter, pushing the comforter off her, and crawled to the edge of the bed before standing up next to him. "What is it?" she asked. "Is something wrong? Is someone in danger?" He had the same expression he often had when he worried about her, but her confusion only grew as he slowly shook his head. "Edward, tell me," she said urgently. She dropped her voice a little and added, "Please."

He took so long to obey that she was sure he would again insist that everything was fine and leave it at that. But after what seemed like an hour he said in a pained voice, "Remember when I told you that I'd thought it would be easier to adjust to this if I took some time? Went on that hunting trip?"

"Yes?"

"Well, it wasn't."

"I know," she said gently. "You said that before. I'm sorry, Edward, I don't-"

Quickly he cut her off. "You don't have to apologize, Bella," he insisted. "It's not your fault. I want to respect your decision and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less. I won't make you. But for me… this is something that's just too painful for me. It's too hard."

She sat there for a long time, absorbing his words. Finally she asked, slowly, "What exactly are you saying?"

"Bella," he whispered. "I have to go away. I have to leave this place… there's nothing but memories for me here."

The panic immediately seized her chest and threatened never to let go. She couldn't believe this was happening; not again. "Edward," she choked out. "Wait, no- you- you can't do this. Not again. You don't have to. I can make things easier. I can make more time for you… spend less time on the Rez. It'll be okay, I promise."

It looked like her words had physically hurt him as he cringed, then stared at her floor for a long moment before turning back to her quickly and putting his hands on her shoulders. His golden eyes bored into her brown ones as he said, "Bella, this is not your fault. It's mine. I should be stronger than this… I should be able to be happy for you because you're happy. But I can't stand this. It's so hard to watch you be with someone else, to watch you make what I think is a mistake, and to know that I wasn't chosen. It's selfish, and I'm sorry, but I just need some time to come to terms with this. Real time, not just a quick hunting trip. That's obviously not enough."

"So what are you talking about then?" she asked, the possibilities seeming to stretch in front of her like a bed of coals on which she was being forced to walk. "Six weeks? A couple of months?"

He didn't answer for a long moment as he released her shoulders and went back to studying her floor. Eventually he said, softly, "Maybe a few years. Ten at the most." At her horrified expression he reminded her, "That's not as long for me as it is for you, Bella."

"But… but…" Her eyes welled up with tears and she felt physically ill as she imagined him being gone for ten whole years. She would be nearly thirty when he came back… she and Jacob could be married, they could even have kids, she could have finished college… they might live somewhere completely different… but no, Jacob couldn't leave La Push, the draw of the land was too strong… but so much would have changed. But to not have Edward? Being without him had almost killed her once… could she really go through that again?

"You can't do this," she said, her voice urgent and flat all at once. "You can't do this to me."

"It's what I have to do," he answered. "I want you to be happy."

"So you're abandoning me?" she whispered. "That doesn't make sense. Besides, what if Jake and I break up? What if you get back here and I'm old and I've been waiting around for you for like eight years?"

"I'd check in on you," he said softly. "I don't trust completely that the werewolves can take care of you."

"You're talking about spying, right?" she asked bitterly. "Not actually seeing me but just sneaking in here or gazing at me from some mountaintop or something, right?"

Edward looked very much like he was going to cry. "I just need some space, Bella."

"What about what I need?" she asked, her voice high with panic.

"I don't think that's fair," he answered softly. "We're not together anymore, Bella… you can't just expect me to hang around, waiting for you."

Bella's heart sank; he was right, but there was something else that bothered her, too: it was exactly what she would have done, if the situation had been reversed. She would have tortured herself waiting for him, for that one chance that he might reconsider. But how pathetic was that? How could she blame him for wanting to avoid that same fate?

Still, she couldn't help her tears falling, couldn't help choking out, "Don't leave me. Please. I don't know how I would survive that."

"Bella," he whispered, raising a hand and reaching for her face to brush away her tears. But before he did, his fingertips paused in mid-air, almost at her cheek, and he started to slowly lower his hand again as if regretting his actions. Bella quickly moved closer to him, laying her cheek against his palm and closing her eyes. His hand was cold, but his touch was so familiar and comforting, so safe. She couldn't imagine going through life without him there. She wanted this chance with Jacob, but she'd never dreamed that she would have to completely remove Edward from her life to do that. She knew it was terribly selfish, but she didn't want to have to choose; she didn't want to give either of them up. They were both too important.

"Edward," she said softly, and then fell silent because saying his name and knowing he would hear it was enough to comfort her. He pulled her into his arms, cradling her against his chest like a child as she sobbed.

"I wish it didn't have to be like this, Bella," he whispered against her hair, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Then don't," she pleaded. "Don't make it like this. Don't leave." She felt his body tense and he started to pull away from her, but she clung to him, not wanting to let him go in case this was the last time, in case he fled from her room and they never saw one another again. What was life without Edward? How could she even recognize herself without him standing next to her?

He was much stronger than her, so when he insisted on pulling away she couldn't really stop him. Her body felt freezing and abandoned as he gently removed her from his arms. She could see in his eyes that he felt he'd drawn this out long enough, that he had reached the end of what he could endure and he had to leave her now. She had missed that look the last time, but this time she recognized it immediately and, as though somehow separate from her, like a visceral reaction triggered by the most deeply primal part of her brain, her body acted to prevent him from abandoning her.

At first Edward resisted her lips, as he always did, but she held his face captive with her hands and deepened the kiss, pressing past his lips to slip her tongue into his mouth. She tucked her body as close to his as she could, knowing that her scent would overpower him, forcing him to use all his effort to control his impulse to kill her. She didn't care what happened, only that he didn't go; she felt desperate to change his mind, to make him reconsider and stay here with her forever.

She waited for that moment that would snap his control, knowing that one of two things would happen: either he would use every ounce of strength he had to throw her away from him, barely clinging to his own sanity, or else he would give in. As she wrapped her arms around his waist and drank him in, she felt that moment present itself. She tensed, expecting the worst, her fingernails digging into his shoulders in the hopes that she might cling to him like a cat, but to her surprise the precaution wasn't necessary. He didn't throw her off, or speed out of her grasp, or leap from the window. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her and hoisted her into his arms, and before she knew they were moving, her back was being pressed into the mattress by the weight of his body and he was kissing her with a fervor to match her own.

Bella was afraid to speak, in case it snapped him out of this moment and he regained his senses, which could only end with him fleeing from her and possibly Forks, forever. A pit of guilt was rapidly rising in her stomach, but she tried her best to ignore it.

Let me have this, she prayed to someone- God maybe, or the universe in general, or maybe to the Great Mother that Abi's people up north believed in. If this is the only time we ever have, let me have it and let nothing else matter.

Thoughts of Jacob fled from her mind, and Edward too seemed to banish his usual inhibitions and hang-ups about whether he might hurt her and the idea that they should be married. Instead, with a flick of his wrist he tore her pajamas from her body, and encouraged her with a low rumble from the back of his throat as her fingers went to work stripping off his own clothes.

She barely registered everything that was happening. His scent and his presence overpowered her senses and made her feel almost like she was in a dream, like this couldn't possibly be real, but it was. Tiny fears fluttered up for a moment here and there, which was bound to happen considering how often he'd warned her about the dangers of having sex with a vampire. But she didn't care; he was with her, and if she died then she would die for him, and she had already concluded long ago that a death like that was worthy.

His skin was like ice as it pressed against hers, finally nothing between them but air, and soon not even that. Edward kissed her neck, the curve of her jaw, as her arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling at him urgently, not wanting to think or even breathe, wanting nothing more than this solid physical act which would anchor them together through anything. She knew he had to be as needy and insane as she was right now, since he had always insisted so vehemently that doing this before she was changed was out of the question: a death sentence.

Bella gasped as she suddenly felt him inside her. It was so much different than Jacob; where Jacob was warm and still soft even at his hardest, Edward was like freezing stone, and yet as different as it was she welcomed it. She felt him grunt softly as he moved within her, knowing that his sounds were caused as much by pleasure as they were by the incredible restraint he must have been using to keep from crushing or biting her. She held on to him, moaning encouragement into his ear, as his movements became more and more insistent.

Suddenly, the flash of Jacob's smile appeared in her mind, unbidden, accompanied by a deep stab of guilt. For a moment she lost track of where she was, and she almost could have sworn that it was Jacob on top of her instead of Edward. Then reality came crashing in again and she looked up at Edward. She could tell he was close to finishing, and she felt her first real pang of fear. Hadn't she already decided to accept the consequences of her decision- all of them? She knew this act was her selfish spirit manifested in all its ugliness, yet she didn't care. For her, this was an act of self-preservation, of survival; she took these risks in order to avoid what she'd felt all those long months that he'd been gone, knowing that his leaving, too, was a death sentence.

But Jacob. He loved her, with no strings. He wouldn't have threatened to leave her, wouldn't have decided to abandon her in order to make himself feel better. What was she doing? How could she betray him like this, after everything they'd been through? What if this act kept Edward with her, but drove Jacob away? How could she live with that alternative?

Bella's eyes snapped open as the sudden realization of the mistake she was making crashed down on her. In a reflex, her arms came up against Edward's shoulders and pushed, but it was like pushing against a brick wall. "Wait," she gasped.

Edward pressed his lips onto hers, cradling her close to his chest as he gasped, moving faster inside her. "Bella," he moaned, his golden eyes clouded with passion as he looked down at her, deepening the kiss.

"Edward, wait," she said again, reaching down and pushing against his hips, trying to separate their bodies. She saw the haze of his passion lift momentarily from his eyes, but he didn't stop. She felt a swell of fear rising in her heart. "No," she insisted. "Stop!"

"I can't," he gasped, pulling her closer, moving even faster despite her efforts to push him away. But he had lost control; he couldn't stop once they were this far down the road, and she couldn't blame him. How often had he warned her about this, after all? She fell silent, wrapping her arms around him, and within seconds she felt Edward starting to shudder on top of her, letting out small gasps as he pressed kisses to her neck, his movements slowly settling down as he clutched her tightly.

Suddenly, something felt very wrong; the ball of guilt and fear in her stomach seemed to explode in a blinding flash of pain, and belatedly she realized that she could no longer hear. Then the edges of her vision started to blur and blacken. She was aware of Edward smiling down at her, saying something to which she couldn't respond, and then his face changed as he became confused, then terrified. She could read her own name on his lips, but it seemed her brain was filling with blood, and all sound was drowned out.

Bella felt herself passing into unconsciousness as a sensation of falling backward into water, and not only could she no longer breathe, but the idea of ever trying was too exhausting even to imagine. She didn't have the energy to do anything but give up, to surrender to the pull of death, understanding that she had chosen this willingly, and nothing would ever be the same again.

Author's Note: Dear readers, please don't hate me, I really am going somewhere with this. PS- reviews bring faster updates! ;-)