Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updating... been enjoying the Christmas/New Year's celebrations! :-)
Living temporarily at Emily's gave Bella the advantage of being a fly on the wall for lots of interesting goings on. First she'd witnessed the strangely touching moment between Jared and Emily in the kitchen, which she could only assume was fuelled by the fact that Jared was directly linked to Sam's thoughts. It seemed only natural that Sam's love for Emily would influence others, and Jacob had told her as much before- that Emily had to constantly be on her toes to watch out for moments like the one Bella had witnessed, when Sam's influence crept forward into action. But despite the boundary issues, Emily and Jared's slip-up in the kitchen had been somehow sweet, and Bella could see plainly how much all the werewolves, including Emily by extension, loved and cared for one another.
It wasn't all friendship and good times, though. The day after Abi and the others arrived, Bella was laying on Emily's couch reading one of her home decorating magazines and being tortured by the smell of simmering homemade chili con carne, when angry footsteps burst through the door. She started to rise up and see who it was, but it was a production even to prop herself up on an elbow, so the voice gave it away before she was able to.
"I am seriously going insane over there," Leah snapped, and Bella listened as she opened the fridge, rifling around for something to eat.
"Really?" Emily's surprised voice answered. "Don't you think they're fascinating?"
"No, they're not fascinating," Leah said scathingly. "If I hear one more thing about how everything happens for a reason or how funny it is that we have running water and flush toilets I think I might puke."
Emily giggled. "Well, they won't be here for long. You and Seth will just have to suffer through."
"Oh no, Seth just loves them," Leah answered with a sigh. "So does my mom. They both think they're awesome."
"But isn't it even a little exciting to you that Abi and Mitsis shift?" Emily asked honestly. Bella had been wondering the same thing.
There was a brief silence. Then Leah said, "I don't want to talk about that."
"But-"
"No. Seriously, Em. This whole situation just makes me want to scream. I can barely stand it."
"Okay, but you should know that Bella-"
"And I definitely don't want to talk about Bella," Leah interrupted.
"That's fine, I'm just saying that Bella is right-"
"Bella isn't right about shit, Emily!" Leah snapped. "How can you say that? She is the most heartless, most insensitive person I've ever met."
"Leah, come on, let's not do this here. Bella is-"
"Emily!" Leah cut her off, exasperated. "Can we please not talk about Bella fucking Swan? Jacob is miserable over this, which means all of us are miserable over this. And now I have to deal with these weirdos in my house telling me how everything I've ever believed about myself- what my father believed about me enough to die of shock- is a lie." Leah's voice caught and Bella could hear the ragged emotion under her words. "And now she gets to have a baby? Seriously, Em?" Bella could hear her forcing back tears. "You know I'll never have that. But oh no, Bella Swan gets to cheat on Jake, treat him like dirt, and we're all supposed to be happy for her because she got herself knocked up. Some mother she's going to make."
"Leah-"
"Em, I don't want to hear it," Leah said heavily. Bella could hear the defeat in her voice. "I just… can I just eat? And get some peace? That's why I came here, okay? I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay, that's fine," Emily said gently. "I'm just trying to tell you that Bella is right-"
There was a slam as Leah's hand came down hard on Emily's table. "I know you're trying to be all mother hen on her, Em, but stop it right now. I am never going to forgive her, even if Jacob does. I can't even look at her, with that- that thing… she doesn't deserve a baby. She doesn't deserve any of it. So don't you dare try and tell me that she-"
"Leah!" Emily interrupted, exasperated. "What I'm trying to tell you is that Bella is right over there!"
For a moment, silence. Very heavy silence. Tentatively, Bella poked her head up above the back of the couch, trying her best to wear a neutral expression despite the hurt Leah's words had caused. Across the room, Emily had put her hand over Leah's mouth so she could finally get the sentence out, and Leah's face was wet with tears.
"Well that's fucking perfect," Leah said, turning her head away from Bella and wiping at her tears while trying to look like she wasn't. She whirled back and took a few angry steps toward the couch, then stopped short. "I'm not saying I'm sorry to you."
"Um… that's okay," Bella answered awkwardly. "It's fine. I'd be mad at me too."
"Yeah… that selfless bullshit talk really doesn't ring true anymore, Bella," Leah snapped.
"Come on," Emily said sharply. "No fighting. Now that you know she's here you need to stop being rude."
"She should have said something," Leah argued.
"When, exactly?" Emily countered.
Leah's near-black eyes were set on Bella with such hate it made her want to sink into the cushions of Emily's couch and disappear. Instead she said, trying to be helpful, "Maybe Abi can teach you how to control it like they do, and then… I mean, obviously they can have babies, so…" She knew from Jacob that that was something Leah wanted more than anything. Too late, she caught Emily's gestures of panic behind Leah's head, trying to prevent Bella from finishing her sentence.
The sneer that came over Leah's face made her look ugly, which wasn't an easy thing to do. "And who would I have that baby with, exactly?" she bit out scornfully.
Bella had touched a nerve; it was easy to do with Leah. Of course she would have wanted to have a baby with Sam, before all this. Bella knew she was still bitter about their breakup. Her and Emily's strained relationship, following years of friendship akin to sisterhood, was proof of that. Bella instantly regretted her words, but too late.
Quietly she mumbled, "Um… I don't know."
"That's right," Leah answered. "You shouldn't talk about what you don't know about." Her eyes flickered to her cousin momentarily and she turned on her heel, stalking for the door and throwing over her shoulder, "I'm going for a run. Maybe I can get some peace out in the forest."
Emily looked very sorry to say it, but she called out meekly, "Sam's out on patrol…"
Leah halted just inside the door, her body going rigid, but she didn't turn back. Instead she took several deep, steadying breaths, as Bella had seen Jacob do when he was so angry or upset that he risked losing control and shifting into wolf form in inappropriate places. Then she continued out Emily's door and down the steps into the dirt, which she kicked at angrily as she trudged up the driveway toward the road, evidently abandoning the idea of running around as a wolf while Sam Uley was out there.
Emily sat down heavily next to Bella. "I'd apologize for her," she said gently. "But why bother?"
"She's right," Bella said softly. "I should have said I was here or made a noise or something."
"She didn't give you much chance," Emily pointed out. "It's just… she's going through a lot. She just lost her dad… and changing into a werewolf is no picnic. But mostly I think it's just really hard for her to see you pregnant, and see these women who are so comfortable with what they are when she can't be." Emily reached over and squeezed Bella's shoulder. "But I'm still sorry she was so mean to you."
Bella tried to shrug it off. It hurt, but she understood. She had to. What she'd done was terrible, and she knew Jacob's pain extended outward through the pack, as much as she wished it could stay private. She was just grateful that Emily didn't share that mind, or she might not have had such an easy time being nice to her. Still, Leah's attitude towards her was difficult to take, and she knew encounters like that would only continue as long as she stayed at Emily's, which might be a while.
Abruptly, Bella pulled herself to her feet with some difficulty and headed for the door.
Emily immediately saw what she was doing but didn't intercept her. She just warned, "Be careful," in a doubtful voice, like she didn't think this was such a great idea.
Bella could see Leah up ahead, still stomping angrily up Emily's driveway. Even the gentle slope was hard work with all the extra weight Bella was carrying, so she called out, "Hey, Leah! Wait up!"
Up ahead, Leah stopped, then turned slowly around. "Are you kidding me?" she called back. "Leave me alone!"
"Come on," Bella said, picking up her pace a little. "I just want to talk to you for a minute."
Leah strode towards her, her long legs and lithe body easily closing the distance between them. Her near-black eyes were narrowed in anger, her face a sneer. "I don't want to talk to you," she spat. "Or did I not make myself clear earlier?"
"Come on, I just-"
"You just what?" Leah cut her off. "You just wanted to have a heart-to-heart with me about how much this sucks for you, so I'll see the light and be on your side from now on instead of Jake's? Well, that's not going to happen. You might twist everyone else's arm into coming to your pity party, but I'm staying out of it." She whirled and started walking towards the tree line, evidently deciding that Sam Uley was better company that Bella Swan.
"I know I hurt Jacob!" Bella called after her. Again, Leah stopped in her tracks, but she didn't turn around. Bella barreled on, "I hurt him more than I ever thought I could have. And I did it for stupid reasons… I don't even know why. Because I was afraid to be alone, because Edward said he was leaving me and I panicked."
Leah turned around, and the fire practically leapt from her eyes. "That's it?" she asked. "That's why you did it? You're more of an idiot than I thought."
"I know," Bella said. "It makes no sense. I wouldn't have been alone. I would have had Jake… all of you. Friends. I-"
"And now you have nothing," Leah cut her off, obviously wanting to end this conversation here and now. "Good luck with that."
"I don't have nothing," Bella said softly. "I'm here, aren't I? Why would I be here if Jacob doesn't still care? At least a little?" Her eyes filled with tears and she suddenly realized her true motives for confronting Leah. It wasn't just that she wanted the girl to like her, to be less hostile- she was also a direct link to Jacob's thoughts, his feelings, and she would know how he truly felt underneath the mask he wore now every time she saw him. "Please, Leah," she said. "Does he care? Even a little?"
"Are you kidding me?" Leah scoffed at her. "You think I'm going to betray Jake for you?"
Bella hung her head. She knew it was wrong what she was asking, but she was desperate. Jacob wouldn't even look at her, wouldn't talk… she didn't know what else to do. "Please," she whispered, knowing Leah's excellent hearing would pick up the sound.
"Haven't you ever heard the expression 'you made your bed and now you have to lay in it?'" Leah asked her, her voice still compassionless. "Well, Bella, you made your bed, fucked another guy in it, and now…" She spread her fingers as if to say, 'here we all are.'
Those words cut deep, hurting more than anything else Leah had said to her before. "What about the bed Emily made?" she snapped. "You all seem to have forgiven her for that."
"What did you just say to me?" Leah asked, her mouth hanging open a bit. The anger on her face seemed to be giving way to something else, another emotion trembling just under the surface.
"Emily told me Sam cheated on you with her," Bella answered. "Yet you all still hang out at her house like it's no big deal. I just thought…" She trailed off, reading only the growing anger now in Leah's expression and realizing she needed to end this topic.
"You thought what?" Leah snapped.
"Nothing."
"No, really, I want to know."
"Nevermind," Bella mumbled. She started to turn back toward the road, but Leah grabbed her arm, throwing her off-balance. Bella grasped the trunk of a nearby tree, steadying herself at the last minute, not sure Leah would have caught her if she fell. One hand instinctively moved to her belly.
When she looked up again Leah was staring at that hand with a strange mixture of emotion on her face- it was like wonder and disgust and pain, all at once. The moment seemed to last forever, but finally Leah tore her eyes away. There was more sadness in them when she turned them on Bella, but the anger was still there.
Finally, she said quietly, "Sam didn't have a choice. You did. And if you think you're going to find some kind of kinship with me because I've been cheated on and you cheated, you are way off. Jacob is the one who deserves my sympathy. He's the one who matters. You… you're nothing."
It hurt, but Bella knew it was true, at least to Leah. What she didn't know, was if it was true to Jacob too. What would she do if it was? How could she live knowing she had hurt him bad enough to turn off his love for her?
"You should go back to Emily's," Leah said.
But Bella didn't want the conversation to end there. She needed to know something about Jacob. "I know Sam feels like he made a big mistake, cheating on you," she said, trying to sympathize with Leah and cut through some of that hostility. "Emily told me."
"Emily has a big mouth."
"But it was his choice," Bella insisted. "It might not have been his choice to fall in love with her, to imprint, but he chose to cheat on you. To not break up with you right away. He made a mistake and so did I."
Leah's eyes electrified with rage again. "Don't you dare compare your petty life to mine," she snapped. "You have no idea what you're talking about. And I don't want to discuss this. Not with you and not with anyone. Ever."
"Okay, but just tell me one thing," Bella pleaded. "If you had known about the wolf thing then… if you'd been able to ask someone who could see into Sam's mind…"
"Shut up," Leah growled, and Bella couldn't help but notice that her body was vibrating dangerously, little tremors jumping up and down her spine, radiating outward into her limbs and her clenched fists.
But she barreled on. "If you could have asked someone how he felt, someone who knew for certain, wouldn't you want to know the answer to that question?"
Leah didn't answer, didn't look at her. She was breathing steadily, deeply, and Bella knew she was struggling for control. But maybe, just maybe, she'd gotten through to the older girl. Maybe she understood, just a little, what Bella was feeling.
"Leah, please," Bella whispered, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. "I need to know. Does Jacob-"
"Stop it!" Leah growled, her fists clenched so tightly her brown knuckles had turned white. Her eyes were squeezed shut, but when she opened them again a single tear made its way down the curve of her cheek. She stabbed at it angrily with the back of her hand.
"I'm sorry for bringing up a painful subject," Bella said softly. "But I need to know."
"Then you're not sorry at all," Leah answered bitterly.
Bella met her eyes. She couldn't hide the truth from her. "No… I guess I'm not." She didn't feel good about using Leah like this, but she needed to know, and waiting around for Jacob to tell her wasn't working.
Then, Leah's expression changed abruptly. She seemed to get over the trembling of her body and though she didn't seem particularly friendly, some of the hostility faded from her eyes. "Fine," she said.
"Really?" Bella brightened. "Thank you!"
"But not here," Leah went on, not meeting Bella's eyes, seeming almost defeated. "I don't want to take the chance that Em might overhear."
"I'm sure she won't," Bella promised.
The anger glinted momentarily in Leah's eyes again and then faded. "Not here," she said again. "I'm not comfortable."
"Okay," Bella said quickly, not wanting to fight her and lose this chance.
"Come on," Leah said, turning back for the woods. Bella followed quickly, picking her way through the underbrush. It would have been hard to keep up with Leah at the best of times, but her added weight and the pain of her expanded body made it almost unbearable. Still, she forced herself to keep Leah in sight, determined to know how Jacob felt, what he was thinking.
After what seemed like forever, she said timidly, "I don't think Emily's going to hear us this far out."
"It's not Emily," Leah threw over her shoulder. "The rest of the pack are running patrols in this area. I don't want anyone to know I talked to you. At least, not until they have to."
She meant the link. Bella knew she wouldn't be able to hide it from them, but they wouldn't know until she shifted. As long as she got to Jacob before Leah changed and he read her thoughts, maybe she could have a real conversation with him. She would call him as soon as she got back to Emily's.
They walked for a long time, what seemed like hours, but Bella wasn't sure how much of that perception had to do with the fact that she was tired, heavy, and weak to start with. Watching Leah's strong legs and easy, agile movements made Bella jealous, and quieted any complaints.
Ideas started to creep into her head about Leah and Jacob together, for some reason. Maybe it was because despite her bad attitude, Leah was someone who understood Jacob more than any other woman on the planet ever could. And they had grown up together- not as friends or anything, but they knew each other. It was a small reservation; the school was tiny. They had a history. They came from the same place, had the same values and culture. And now this- the link that bonded them like family. If Leah wasn't such an angry person who got on everyone's nerves, she could have easily been a desirable girlfriend for Jacob, right? Bella tried not to feel jealous- she had no right, and hardly any reason- but she couldn't help it.
Finally, Leah stopped, and Bella was surprised to see that her eyes were squeezed tightly shut. But they were open again as soon as she turned around, and Bella decided she must have been imagining it.
"Is this a good place?" she asked.
Leah's lips curled into a smile that was for some reason unsettling. Maybe it was because Bella had rarely seen her smile? "Yeah, it's perfect," she said.
Bella waited, but Leah remained silent. "So…" Bella said finally. "Are you going to tell me about Jake?"
Leah walked over to her, coming to stand right in front of Bella, the taller girl looking down at her with obvious disdain. "I'm not betraying him," she said. "I would never do that, and you shouldn't have asked me. You shouldn't be so callous with other people's feelings. Bringing up Sam like we could bond over our exes… that was beyond low."
"I'm… sorry," Bella managed, feeling ashamed but also irritated that Leah had made her walk all this way for nothing.
"Let me be perfectly clear," Leah said. "I don't like you. I don't like the way you treat people. I don't like this thing you're carrying, and it's not worth putting everyone I love in danger just so you can play mommy."
"But we don't know-"
"I know we don't know," Leah snapped. "Which is the only reason it's still alive. But believe me- the second we find out it's one of them, I'll be the first to end it."
Bella wrapped her arms around her stomach, the idea of someone hurting her baby making her physically ill. "But… how could you?" she whispered. "You want a baby. How could you kill one?"
Leah's face twisted in anger at the same time that her eyes filled with tears. Her body was shaking again. "You don't know what you're talking about," she bit out. "You are so stupid, so pathetic. I can't stand you. Nobody can stand you. Jacob should hate you but he doesn't, and that's the only reason you're here. God, I don't know which is worse! That you're incubating some disgusting bloodsucking spawn, or that you're actually carrying Jacob's baby and he's going to be shackled to you for the rest of his life."
"Leah-"
"Don't talk to me," she growled. "Jacob still cares about you, that idiot, so I'm not going to hurt you. But maybe on the walk back to Emily's you can figure out all the wrong you've done."
Bella felt panic rising in her throat. She hadn't paid attention at all on the way here. And Leah… Leah's eyes had been closed. Was that so the others wouldn't be able to find Bella by searching her memory?
"Don't leave me here," she cried, reaching for Leah's hand. "Please!"
Leah jerked away. "It won't be dark for hours," she said. "And it doesn't even get cold at night anyway. You'll be fine. You're on our land. No one's going to touch you out here. Just take some time with your conscience- who knows, maybe you'll come back a decent human being."
"Leah-"
But out of Leah's quivering skin burst the grey fur of a wolf as she transformed, the shreds of her clothing fluttering to the ground like confetti. She squeezed her black eyes shut and ran headlong into the woods, disappearing from view a moment later.
She was now completely alone, aside from the vulnerable life she carried just under her heart. As if responding to her feelings of fear and panic, the baby let out a sharp kick, taking Bella's breath away as a jab of pain shot through her. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, trying to calm down, if not for herself then for her child.
Bella stood in the tiny clearing, every tree looking the same as the next, no idea where she was or how she might get back to Emily's- or anywhere- from here. She was lost. Completely and utterly lost.