After Sam came home, the Rez exploded with gossip. In my optimism I had hoped that his homecoming would put an end to all the rumours of drug use and alcoholism, infidelity and cults. But I had to admit: it was hard to find him innocent when he didn't even try to explain himself. Sam acted as though he wanted nothing more than to forget those two weeks, to behave as if he had never been gone. I could let him do this, because I loved him. I could put aside my own worries and anxieties to be there for him, because I trusted him. But everyone else took his silence to be the same as guilt, and whispers followed us wherever we went.
I lost some friends during this time, but the ones that mattered stayed close, and I stayed close to Sam. I decided that if I couldn't help him by being the person he confided in, then I could certainly be there for him in other ways- mainly, as a buffer, or a distraction, from all the people who wanted to paint him as the enemy and me as the misguided girl who didn't know what was good for her.
Did I know what was good for me? I certainly thought so, at the time. At that point in my life, I trusted Sam more than I trusted myself sometimes. He had never hurt me; not physically, not even emotionally. He was good to me, sweet and caring, attentive and loving. I still counted myself as lucky.
But within a short time of his arrival back on the Rez, things started to get more difficult between us. Though he was careful about letting me down, he seemed unable to stop the occasional last-minute cancellation of a date, and more than once I caught him in a lie about where he'd been at a particular time, usually at night. He even forgot my birthday.
My frustration grew and multiplied under the influence of my fears. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, but he would give me nothing in return. We started fighting more, and even when I swore to myself that I wouldn't start an argument, more often than not it happened.
Despite all of this, I still had faith in us. I didn't see our relationship as going downhill; I saw this as a momentary lapse, a rough patch to get through before we would be back on track once again, together. Yes, Sam was different, he'd changed- I could see that. But wasn't love supposed to survive change and hardship? Wouldn't I want him to stand by me if I had gone through something awful, too? So I stayed.
One day about a month after Sam had come home, I was surprised from my math homework by the sudden sound of his voice. Attuned to his distressed tone even though I couldn't hear his words, I got up from the kitchen table and hurried toward the front door. I was surprised to see Emily standing there, looking at Sam with an expression I couldn't read, somewhere between disbelief and repulsion. And on Sam's face- anguish, confusion, even terror. Their body language, too, was strange; Emily seemed to be in the process of backing away from him, while Sam's hand was raised, extended towards her.
"Emily," he whispered, and I was shocked at the naked heartache in his voice. It was how he often said my name after a particularly bad fight, when I'd hurt his feelings and he wanted nothing more than to make up. "Please…"
"Sam?" I spoke up doubtfully. They both jumped, and their heads snapped in my direction. The guilt in Emily's eyes was so apparent that it spilled over into her face, which flamed bright red. Quickly, without even a look in Sam's direction, she stalked from the room, anger in her step. I turned to my boyfriend but his eyes were elsewhere, gazing after Emily with a longing that made my stomach churn. "Sam," I said again, sharply. The anger was rising in me faster than I could contain it, even if I wanted badly believe that I had misread what I'd just seen.
"Leah," he answered softly. It was like he had to drag his eyes away from where Emily had just stood in order to look at me.
"What was that all about?" I asked, just barely stopping myself from snapping the words at him.
He gave me this strange look, a look that frightened me, a distraught expression that made dread creep through my heart. I knew then that nothing would ever be the same for us again.
"What's going on?" I asked again, softer this time, my voice gentle.
"Leah…" He trailed off. "I… I don't know what to tell you."
"Just tell me the truth," I whispered. "Please?"
"I can't," he answered, gritting his teeth for a moment. "I wish I could."
My eyes filled with tears but I tried to blink them back. "What was going on with you and Emily just then?" I asked, trying to make my words non-judgmental.
"Nothing," he said flatly, and I could see so plainly that he was lying.
But I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't hold back my tears then, and they squeezed out of my eyes and fell hot down my cheeks. Sam didn't move for along moment, but then finally he stepped towards me and pulled me into his arms. But his heart didn't seem into it.
I pulled back angrily and swiped at my tears. "Don't hold me unless you want to," I said harshly.
He let out a long breath. "It's not that," he answered softly. "Lee-Lee… I care about you. I do. But…" He fell silent.
"But?" I whispered, closing my eyes hard against the word.
"We can't be together anymore," he said bluntly.
My eyes flew open. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak, couldn't believe this was happening.
"Sam," I breathed, his name ripping painfully from my throat. "Please, I don't understand."
"I know," he said gently, and I heard the tears in his own voice. "And you never will." He reached for my hand but I jerked it away, even though I wanted nothing more than his touch. "If I could change this, I would," he whispered. "In a second. I would love you with all I have, for all my life, if I could. Forever, Leah. I thought we would make it..." He trailed off, shaking his head like he couldn't even believe his own words.
Those words broke my heart; right there, I felt it cracking. How easy it would have been if he had said he despised me. How simple his hate would have been for me. "But- but why can't you?" I choked out. My whole body was shivering as I struggled to stay calm in the face of my anguish. I thought if I let one tear slip out, or if I let myself really feel his words in my chest, I would fall to the floor and never be able to rise again.
"Lee-Lee," he whispered. I let him hold me then, and I clung to him, sobbing into chest. His arms wrapped around me as I cried, choking on my own fear, my disbelief that this was happening. "You will never know..." His voice was thick with his own tears. "… how much I loved you." His use of the past tense froze my heart. He added, "If I could split myself in two, I would."
After a long moment, I could speak again. "But why?" I whispered. "Where would the other half go?"
He didn't answer me, and the truth was, I didn't want him to. I'm not proud of what happened next. He let go of me, but I held tight to him, not willing to let him go. The way he tenderly tried to remove my arms from his back was almost painful. Maybe some crazy part of me believed that if I kept holding him, he would change his mind about breaking up with me, come to his senses and realize that he still loved me.
Or maybe in some deep, raw part of my soul, I knew that this was it. I knew that if I let him go now, we would never again hold each other in the way I craved, we would never again love each other with our bodies, or weather the storms of life in each other's arms. We would never go to college together, or come home to the Rez to improve our people's lives, or get married on First Beach under the stars, and I would never see my body swell to roundness, carrying his child. I felt as if I was swimming in an ocean of loss, drowning in all these things I would never have. And the reason I was drowning? The only thing I could come up with was that Sam had thrown me to the sharks. Without pretense or explanation, he had abandoned me to a life I had never imagined: a future without him.
I thought of the last month and instantly regretted everything I had said or done. Yes, we'd been fighting, and the few times he'd tried to get intimate I had put him off, too angry and afraid to let him touch me, but had I known this was coming… I would have taken him to my bed for that entire time. And now I faced the prospect of never being with him again, never feeling his touch on my body, never sleeping with my head curled into his chest, his soft breath against my cheeks. I would never again wake beside him, to a gentle kiss pressed into my temple or against the side of my neck. Had I driven him to this? Was this my fault? What other conclusion could I draw?
Finally, he successfully unlocked my arms from around his waist and stepped away from me. I stood there, swaying just a little, my legs shaking, so cold I thought I would never be warm again. Never before had I had such a physical reaction to emotional pain; I felt sick with fear, with helplessness, with the knowledge that my world was crashing down and I could do nothing, not even run for cover. I felt his gaze burning into me. He seemed to be searching my eyes, desperately, for something.
His hand came up and gingerly touched my cheek. I stood there, holding my breath. I wanted him to kiss me, and I didn't. But I let him, only because I realized it would probably be the last kiss we ever shared. I wish I hadn't. The kiss was strange, and his lips felt foreign on mine. The passion and intensity of every kiss we'd ever shared before was lost, and I felt as though I was kissing my brother. He seemed to feel it too, and grew frustrated, pulling back quickly and glancing away from me. I stood there, feeling ravaged, and it hurt so much to know that that would be my last impression of his lips. I knew about falling in love, and I remembered that instantaneous light switch going on when I had fallen for Sam Uley… but I never realized falling out of it was possible too, and just as quick. Yet somehow, he had. And the way he had kissed me, it was as though we were strangers. I couldn't look at him.
Finally, he spoke. "If I was in charge of my own life, you would be the most important thing in it," he whispered, and I could hear in his voice that he was really crying now, but I still couldn't bring myself to raise my eyes. "God, Leah, please… be happy." And then he left me there.
But how could I be happy? He was everything to me, and without him, I had nothing at all.
Emily was in my bedroom, sitting on the side my bed facing the window, waiting for me. From her posture I knew that she had heard everything. I looked at her like she was foreign to me, not my sister-cousin, not my best friend, but a thing unknown to me- a potential enemy, a traitor in the skin of someone I loved. But could I believe that?
She turned when she heard me walk through the doorway, my sobs coming in little gasps, and when she stood and came to me, she threw her arms around me and hugged me tight. I had no energy to resist this comfort. I needed her, needed someone to be with me in this moment. If I was alone, I thought I might do something drastic, not because I wanted to die but because I wanted, just for a little while, to place my mind away from my body, so I could be free of my heartach. I didn't want to feel anything anymore, or to think.
"Leah," she whispered as she held me close, holding my weight up as I collapsed into her embrace. She sat us down on the bed without letting me go and said, "I'm so sorry."
"I don't understand this," I cried, my voice high with disbelief. "How could this happen? What did I do?" I saw her grimace, just for a moment, but she tried to hide it. I couldn't let it go, though. I pushed her. "What? What is it? Tell me!"
She took a deep breath and let it out again, slowly. "This isn't your fault, Leah," she said finally.
"Yeah, and how do you know that?"
Again the hesitation, but my eyes like daggers forced her to speak. "Last month at the bonfire, when you introduced me to Sam…" She trailed off.
"What about it?" I prompted. I remembered what she was talking about- the bonfire on First Beach, the first time I'd seen Sam in a few days, because I'd been spending all my time with Emily. I also remembered splitting off from them shortly after I introduced them, to say hello to a friend, and when I came back Emily had been edgy and uncomfortable. Later she had told me that Sam had given her the creeps and I'd been hurt, but tried to hide it. I'd apologized for him, saying he hadn't been himself lately, but now I wondered what had really happened.
With a sigh of resignation, Emily said, "He came on to me, Leah."
"What?" I couldn't believe it. I had never known Sam to even look at another girl while he was with me, let alone this. "You must be wrong."
"No, he was pretty forward about it," she said sadly. "That's why I was so angry when you came back… I was so pissed at him because I knew how much you loved him. I never expected him to be that kind of guy."
"He's not," I protested, my voice small. "He's never cheated on me."
"Are you sure?" she asked, but no matter how gentle she could make those words they stung like a knife in my heart. I didn't answer her, so she added softly, "It wasn't just a one-time thing either, Leah. He's been to the house a bunch of times since then… he always shows up as soon as you go out. Just now you walked in on another attempt of his to get me to leave here with him. To talk, he says, but I don't trust him. The way he looks at me…" She shuddered.
I tried to hold it together, but I felt like I was breaking apart. The tears spilled over with my disbelief and I sobbed into Emily's arms. She kept apologizing, over and over again, but I didn't blame her. For a moment, yes, I had wanted to, but the truth was, I needed her too much. I couldn't afford to drive a wedge between us.
"Leah?" a small voice spoke up from the doorway, full of uncertainty. I raised my head to see my brother standing there, his eyes wide in concern. "Are you okay?"
"No," I answered heavily. He took a step toward me but I waved him off with my hand. "Just go away, Seth," I said. When he didn't move, I snapped, "Go on! I just want to be alone." I regretted yelling at him almost instantly, but there was nothing he could do, and I didn't want him to see me like this.
He glared at me for a moment, then looked to Emily, his eyes full of questions. "Sam and Leah broke up," she said gently.
Hearing her say the words made them real, and I let out a strangled cry, burying my head in her shoulder once again.
"Oh," I heard Seth's reply. In his voice I could hear his distress for me, and also his disappointment. I knew how much he liked Sam, so I felt guilty for his loss, too. After a moment more of him hanging around in the doorway trying to figure out what he could do for me, he left, closing the door behind us. He knew Emily was the one I needed, and where I was he couldn't follow me. I felt better once he was gone. I couldn't let myself grieve fully if I was worried about scaring him.
What kind of person must Sam be, if he could flirt with my own cousin while I stood just outside hearing range? I knew my Sam would never do that. So where had he been, and what had changed him so profoundly? Was it true that he'd gotten mixed up in drugs? Did my love blind me to that, to his struggle with addiction?
But no. Even though I wanted to slap a label on this mystery and call it solved, I couldn't. Even after everything Emily had told me, I believed that Sam's demons were something much more sinister than the simplicity of drug use, only I couldn't imagine what they were. And my explanation for him trying to cheat on me… I thought it must be a frustrated response to our increasing fights, our growing apart. I made these excuses for him, forgiving his every action with elaborate alternatives, because I still loved him. But in doing so, and because he had left me with no other target, the only choice I had was to blame everything on myself.
Author's Note: I just want to say that I know Leah isn't a terribly popular character, but I'm really happy that there are some readers for this story. Those of you who are reviewing every chapter so thoughtfully really make my day, and I'm so happy to have you on this journey through Leah's life with me... I really like her as a character, and I'm enjoying exploring her just for myself, but to know there are readers like you along for the ride is a great feeling. Thanks! Hope you stick with it and keep on motivating me with great reviews. :-)