Author's Note: This is set during season three's finale. It's a little darker than the other chapters, but there were some things that needed to be dealt with. I hope you enjoy it and reviews are appreciated.

"Crash and Burn"

Josh drove in a daze. The more he drove, the more he thought he should probably have called a cab. It had been about twenty minutes since the phone rang at Amy's and here he was, driving down the road in a fog. He tried to think about the events that led to him driving like a maniac down the road at midnight.

"Honey, Simon Donovan's been shot," Amy had said.

Josh couldn't even recall his first thought when the words came spilling out of Amy's mouth. He took the phone, his heart racing thinking the worst. If Simon was dead, then what about CJ? Was she hurt? Had she been taken? Was she dead? Josh grabbed the phone from Amy.

"Hello?"

"Josh?" Toby asked, a frantic tone in his voice.

"Toby what happened?" he asked.

"Simon Donovan was killed," Toby said. He quickly added, "CJ is fine."

At those words Josh felt himself take a breath. He hadn't realized he wasn't breathing until he heard those words.

"She wasn't…They caught the guy. They caught him earlier tonight, but Simon left to get a candy bar, walked in on an armed robbery and…"

"How's CJ?" Josh asked.

"She asked me to call you," Toby said. "Did you know Simon well?"

Josh suspected Toby was curious as to why CJ asked him to call. She had mentioned to Josh that she had a little crush on Simon. He had teased her about it. He figured she'd kept that information from Toby. After the Danny thing it was pretty obvious that Toby would think a crush on her agent would be a bad idea.

"A little," Josh replied. "How's CJ?"

"She's…I can tell she was crying. I guess Ron told her and she disappeared for a while. She's not talking about it. It's not good."

"When do you come back?"

"Wheels down should be about 1:30 a.m."

"Someone's getting her home?" Josh asked as he checked his watch.

"Yeah, Secret Service is taking her to debrief her on the way. Sam is with her now but she's not saying much."

"She's probably in shock," Josh said.

"I guess."

"But they caught the guy before all this happened?" Josh asked.

"Yeah," Toby paused a moment before continuing, "He had some pretty unpleasant things in his trunk when they got him. He was on his way here looking for her."

Josh swallowed hard. He could have done without that nasty bit of information. "Can CJ talk right now?" he asked.

There was a pause on Toby's end of the line. "No," he replied. "Maybe tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"We won the vote?" Toby asked abruptly changing the subject as was his way when the topic of conversation became too tedious or uncomfortable for him. Josh suspected it was the latter. He knew how Toby felt about CJ. He was probably feeling as awful as Josh right about now.

"Yeah."

"Is Amy pissed?"

"Yeah."

"Is she still standing right there?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Toby replied. "I gotta go. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Tell CJ…I'm sorry," Josh said.

"Yeah," Toby said as he hung up the phone.

Josh held the receiver in his hand for a moment before placing it back in the charger on the table.

"Is everything okay?" Amy asked.

"No," Josh said.

"I'm sorry about Simon," Amy said reaching out and placing her hand on his shoulder. "How's CJ?"

"Not well," Josh said. He suddenly didn't have any desire to be there anymore. Talking to Amy was the last place he wanted to be. He should have been in New York. He should have been there, but instead he had to stay behind and win a vote that shouldn't have been a problem in the first place. He pulled away from Amy.

"Josh, talk to me," Amy said following him.

Josh scoffed. "Now you want to talk to me."

"What?"

"Nothing," he dismissed the question. Amy looked at him and he explained himself. "A few months ago I wanted to talk to you and you stood in the White House and repeatedly told me not to talk to you and now…now you want me to talk to you."

"One thing has nothing to do with the other," Amy said.

"It doesn't--that's not the point."

"Then what's the point?"

"The point is that I should be there with them right now. I should be in New York with the president and my friends. I should be there to help Toby and Sam keep CJ together."

"CJ's a big girl Josh," Amy said. "The last thing she needs is an entourage of men hovering around her right now."

"You don't know that," Josh replied irritated.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said. "I don't want to do this right now."

"Do what? Have a conversation? I'm sorry about Simon, but don't get pissed at me because you're not there."

"You're the reason I'm not there!" Josh exploded.

"Excuse me?" Amy replied indignantly.

"I should be there and I'm not because I had to stay here and clean up the mess you made for me."

"How dare you Josh," Amy shouted back. "In case you hadn't noticed, you got me fired today."

"You quit," Josh retorted.

"Because I had to! I opted to quit before I could get fired and it was because of you. I gave you guys every opportunity to get the votes you needed and you refused because you'd rather win the way you want to win so don't you dare get pissed at me because you didn't get to go on the big presidential field trip."

Josh put both hands on either side of his nose and rubbed his eyes hard. He took a deep breath and instead of unleashing like he wanted to he got quiet. "I can't do this anymore," he finally said quietly.

"Excuse me?" Amy asked.

"I said I'm not doing this anymore," he repeated himself, turning towards to her. He walked over to the couch and picked up his backpack.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that right now a decorated Secret Service agent was murdered, one of my closest friends in the world was almost kidnapped by a crazy person and I'm not going to stand here and fight with you about a vote and a trip and…I can't do it anymore." He tossed his bag on the floor at his feet for emphasis.

"What do you mean by that?" Amy asked, calmer now than she was before.

"I mean, this," he said gesturing to the space between them, "is toxic. I'm not happy. Are you? I just got you fired and you got me a presidential ass-reaming. Is this fun for us anymore?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious."

"Josh," Amy said.

"You like to win and I like to win and we're both stubborn and it worked fine when we were on the same side, but lately Amy, it's like you're playing for the other team and it's not working."

"Are you saying you're done with this now?"

Josh paused for a minute and tried to quickly think about the last time he was happy with Amy. He couldn't readily come up with a moment when they were just being themselves and not political operatives.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he said. He picked up his bag and started to walk out of Amy's apartment. He heard her yelling something behind him. He knew she was angry, but he didn't have the energy to fight with her at that moment.

That was how Josh came to be in his car, driving to CJ's place, an hour before she was due back from New York. He hadn't intended to knock on her neighbor's door and ask for the extra key, but that's what he did. Somehow he knew he needed to be there for her because he was the only one who knew that her pain wasn't just about her agent being killed, but about a man she had feelings for dying that night.

Josh kept himself busy with paperwork while he waited until he heard the lock disengage and the door open. He stood up and walked to the hallway. He saw CJ standing there with her shawl dragging on the ground.

"Hey," he said.

She looked up, surprisingly unfazed by the fact that someone was standing in her apartment. Josh thought she looked incredibly tired and small if that was possible.

"Josh?"

"Yeah," he said, stepping forward. "CJ, I'm so sorry."

Josh walked toward her with his arms out to give her a hug, but CJ put her hand out in front of her to wave him off.

"I appreciate it Josh, I really do, but I feel like if I hug you right now things are going to get a little too real and I'm…it's late and I can't really deal with it right now."

"Okay," Josh nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. "How about if you get into bed and get some sleep and I'll be out here on the couch if you need me for anything?"

He thought the look on her face was almost one of relief. "Okay," she replied as she tossed her shawl on the hook by the door. "How did you get in?"

"Mrs. Jennings let me in," Josh said.

"She thinks you're a nice man," CJ nodded as she walked by Josh. CJ leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "She's right about that."

"I'm out here if you need anything," Josh reminded her.

He watched CJ walk down the hallway and into her bedroom. She looked tired and beaten and generally miserable. He wished that she'd have let him hug her. If nothing else, than for his own selfish benefit, just to know that she was indeed in tact and okay.

Josh walked back into the living room and sat on the couch. He read a few briefs that he had neglected in the fervor over the vote and he thought about e-mailing Amy. He knew his exit wasn't dignified or right. In fact he felt like a bit of a heel for ending things and walking out the way he did. He thought he should probably do something to take the sting out of the end, but he'd wait until tomorrow to fix it. He was just getting ready to sprawl out on the couch when he heard footsteps down the hallway. It wasn't long before CJ was standing at the foot of the couch, still decked out in her evening gown.

"Josh?"

"I thought you were going to bed?" he asked.

"I can't sleep," she said. "Every time I close my eyes, I have these horrible thoughts in my head."

"Stanley would tell you they're just thoughts."

"I know," she replied. There was a slightly awkward silence that followed her comment.

"I was wondering if you would sleep next to me tonight?" CJ finally asked.

"Of course. Whatever you need."

"I just…I'm afraid to go to sleep."

"I'll be right next to you," Josh assured her as they made their way down the hall. "Maybe changing into something more comfortable might help?"

CJ glanced down at her dress. "I bought this dress when I was shopping with Hogan for a junior prom dress," CJ explained. "Simon…he told me he liked it. I'm never going to wear it again so I guess I just thought I'd keep it on a little longer."

"Okay," Josh said pulling down the covers on one end of the bed. He climbed into the bed and was suddenly unsure of how this should work. CJ had made it pretty clear that a hug would send her emotions over the edge and so he felt like he should keep his distance. He waited for CJ to get under the covers before he got situated.

CJ climbed into the bed and turned her back to Josh. He noticed how she curled up, pulling her legs closer to her body. He fought the urge to reach over and put his hand on her back for comfort. They lay there for a moment before Josh felt CJ's hand pull back and grasp his, intertwining their fingers.

Josh squeezed her hand to let her know that she wasn't alone. It was then that he noticed how her shoulders seemed to constrict and her head moved slowly. She pulled her hand away from Josh and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Josh knew she was crying silently next to him. He decided to ignore her previous warning of a hug and turned on his side to envelope CJ in a hug from behind. He was relieved to feel her grab his arm and wrap it around herself more tightly.

"I don't know what's going on Josh," she sobbed. "I feel empty."

"It's gonna be okay," he assured her.

"It's not okay now," she replied between tears.

"I know. I know it's not okay now and I know that Simon was someone that you were hoping you could have feelings for…"

"I did have feelings for him," CJ said turning towards him.

"Okay," Josh replied.

"And he had feelings for me," CJ continued quietly. "When they caught the guy…we were supposed to meet after the play. We were going to go out and it was going to be something real."

"I'm sorry."

"I told him not to come to New York," CJ said. "I had this bad feeling all day."

"You did?"

"I told him I'd be with Ron and the president's detail."

"He wanted to be there for you," Josh reminded her.

"He should have listened to me. If he had…"

"If he had he could have been in a robbery in D.C. or he could have been hit by a car," Josh reasoned. "His being in New York is not your fault CJ."

"You really believe that?"

"I really do."

"You think God gives everyone a number and when it's up, that's it?"

"I don't know. Maybe," Josh said thoughtfully. "I can't really explain how I got out of the fire that killed my sister or why that bullet didn't kill me at Rosslyn otherwise."

CJ ran her hands over her tear-stained face. She had stopped crying, but her eyes looked like hey could spill over again if pushed. She sat up and pulled her knees into her chest. Josh sat up with her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Did Toby tell you about the guy? The guy who was coming to get me?"

"Yeah, he did," Josh said swallowing hard.

CJ bit her lip. "He had a bunch of really horrible things in his trunk," she said. "I can't help but think about that. I'm trying not to, but its right there."

"Yeah, but you're safe now. You're here and he's in jail. He's going to jail for a long time."

"And Simon is dead," CJ said ironically. "He should be here right now. He should be the one here talking me through the awful mental pictures I have in head of what that psycho was going to do to me."

They sat in silence for a moment before she added, "I'm sorry. I don't mean that I don't want you here. I'm glad you're here because being here alone right now would be…"

"I understand," Josh said, cutting her off before she started crying again. He heard her voice crack on the last few words and didn't want her to get upset.

"You really do, don't you?" CJ asked leaning closer to him.

Josh put his arm around her and held her close for a moment, grateful that she allowed him that much. "I do."

Josh felt a few tears on his neck and he knew that CJ was trying to keep it together. It must have been hard for her on the plane ride back to stay professional in front of hundred people.

"I'm sorry," she said as she sniffled a bit, collecting herself.

Josh pulled back from her until she looked him in the eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry about," Josh told her. "You've had a hell of a night tonight and I wish I had more to offer you than saying I'm sorry."

"You knew I'd need someone here with me tonight. That's enough."

"You're going to be okay, you know that right?"

CJ didn't say anything. She just stared at a fixed point across the room.

"CJ?"

"Yeah," she said unconvincingly.

"Give it time," Josh said.

"Yeah," she replied. After a moment of silence she added, "I don't know if I'm going to be able to bounce back from this Josh. Not this time. I try to see the best in things, but…I feel like a part of me might have died with Simon tonight. Does that make any sense?"

Josh leaned back a little. It made him sad to hear CJ said that. After Sam she was usually the most idealistic person he knew. Sure, she was sarcastic, but that usually came from a place of wit, not cynicism.

"I think it might feel that way now, but I hope it's not true," he replied.

CJ turned her head over her shoulder and looked at him. "What if it is?" she asked.

"I don't think it is."

CJ leaned back against the headboard and sat next to Josh. There was something about him being that there that was a comfort. CJ had been in a daze since New York. Nothing seemed real. The night still didn't seem quite real, yet here she was, mourning Simon and coming to terms with what could have possible happened to her that night. It was an odd feeling of relief, guilty and sadness that she was having a hard time processing. She was relived that they'd caught the man that was after her, which in turn made her feel guilty because Simon was gone and yet part of her was relieved for herself. The sadness she felt needed no explanation.

CJ leaned her head on Josh's shoulder. "Shouldn't things be getting easier for us?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said placing his hand over hers. "They should."

"Thanks for being here tonight mi amour," she said using her pet name for him.

"Anytime," he said wrapping his arm around her shoulder. They sat there for a while in silence until Josh realized that CJ's breathing had leveled off and she had fallen asleep. It had been a while since they'd slept next to each other, but somehow Josh knew it was exactly what they both needed. He hoped they would both wake in the morning feeling better about things. Josh knew that it would be a while before CJ was back to her old self. He just hoped that she'd get there eventually and he'd be there to help her.

TBC