Chapter 4: Is There Anybody Out There?
"Tell me
Is there anybody out there,
Am I swimming through this empty sea alone,
Am I looking for an answer
Or am I trying to find a way to get back home.
Is there anybody out there,
Would you hear me if I screamed or if I cried,
I'm looking for an answer
And just trying to find a way to survive."
Secondhand Serenade (Is There Anyone Out There?)
Have you ever felt guilt so heavy that it weighed upon your soul? It festers, it lingers and it breeds till you feel it every day, every hour and every second. There was the possibility that the guilt may never leave you, but if such an opportunity should appear, wouldn't you grab onto it and hold on, never to let go? Those were the thoughts that plagued Draco Malfoy for the past month, and were now brought forward by that one person, who could offer such a salvation.
"Malfoy?"
"Hi Granger."
"What… what the hell are you doing here?" she spat.
"I needed to talk to you," he mumbled. This wasn't going well.
"Talk! You came here to talk?" Her voice rose through several decibels. She placed a hand on her chest in an attempt to soothe herself. When Draco remained silent, she choked out: "What makes you think I would want to listen to anything that you say?"
Draco fixed his eyes on his shoes. He knew she hated him, possibly to his very core, but he wanted, no, needed to get her to listen to him. He signed and ran a hand through his hair. He finally tore his eyes away from his shoes and looked at her straight in the eyes.
"Because it will save both of us."
She froze slightly and her eyes widened in shock. It was clear she had not expected that response. He could see hesitation and curiosity battling it out in the depths of her eyes. She shook her head slightly, then as if settling some internal debate. She looked back at him and narrowed her eyes slightly before she nodded whilst opening the door wider to allow him to enter.
Draco slid into the house, brushing past her. He noticed how she froze at that contact like a frightened animal, before the calm controlled visage took over again. He hesitated in the hallway, unsure of his actions next. Hermione locked the door behind him before she led him to the living room. He noticed books scattered around the room, the blanket that was thrown haphazardly over the couch, and several dirty dishes that lay piled on the coffee table. He didn't expect such disarray with Hermione Granger. It didn't feel right. Glancing down, he realized that a mug was currently lying on its side on the floor with its contents spilled all over a rug, not to mention a huge book was laying beside it, it's pages splayed wide open. Hermione quickly waved her wand, cleaning up the mess and replacing the mug back on a shelf. She picked up the book and quickly smoothed down the corners and placed it gingerly back on the table. It was such a normal behavior for her that Draco almost smirked, but managed to hold back at the last second.
As she turned back towards him, he took that opportunity to really observe her. She looked terrible. Not like he was ever going to tell her that. Her hair now hung limp on her shoulders. Her eyes seemed tired and worn out, the flicker in them long gone. Her figure was thin, scarily so, as if she'd been starved for the past month. In short, she looked like she was dead; all the life had been sucked out of her. She sighed as she appraised him as well before she gestured over to the couch. He quickly sat down. She pulled up a chair and sat opposite him, the coffee table between them.
"Talk," she said.
Draco clenched and unclenched his hands. Now that he was here. He wasn't sure how to start. He ran his hands through his hair before he covered his face.
"I just would like to say I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"I didn't catch that."
He cleared his throat, sat up straight and looked her right in the eyes and said again: "I'm sorry."
Her brow furrowed. "For what exactly?"
Was she actually that daft? He wondered before he figured she was trying to make me spell out what he had actually done to her, that perhaps she wanted himto really understand the pain that he'd put her through. Now it was his turn to sigh.
"I'm sorry for telling Bellatrix who you were at the Malfoy Manor. I'm sorry for not being able to do anything while she used the unforgivable on you many times. I'm sorry for being such a coward and not saving you and protecting you when she tortured…I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you from the pain…You had no idea how much I wanted to-"
"Please… stop," she choked out.
He paused the rather long and rapid flow of words from his mouth to pay attention to her. Her eyes were brimming with tears that threatened to overflow. Her face was contorted into a grimace, one of pain. In the whole time that he was talking she had curled herself up into a ball and was currently rocking herself back and forth.
Watching her, his heart clenched in pain, this wasn't Hermione Granger, the strong tough woman that he'd known from Hogwarts. This was a broken shell.
He didn't realize what he was about to do until the second before he did it. He reached out his arm to wrap her in a hug but just as his hand touched her shoulder she flinched and jerked away. Fear flashed momentarily in her eyes. He gulped and dropped back down into his seat.
Hermione glared at him as hot boiling rage started to flood her veins. Who gave him the right to barge in here and to remind her of all this… pain? The wounds were still fresh and painful. She never tried to heal or move on, because she knew it would be futile as long as there were people like Draco Malfoy around to remind her of it. The unforgivables were fresh in her mind again. She fisted the hair at the sides of her head, as if she could physically rip the memory out of her mind. A low moan filled the room and it was only a few moments later that she realized it was her that made the pitiful sound. She looked at Draco again. Guilt, pain and sadness lingered in his silver eyes. She hissed under her breath. Those silver eyes never bode well.
"Get. Out. Of. My. House." She punctuated each word with a poke to his chest. "And don't ever think about coming back."
Malfoy continued to stare at her.
"Didn't you hear me? I said get out! GET OUT!" She started picking up random items from the house and throwing it at him. Fortunately for him but unfortunately for her, her aim was pretty off because of her state.
He watched nonchalantly as a vase shattered to the side of him. Inside, he was rapidly trying to think of ways to convince her to let him stay and perhaps comfort her. He needed to get some form of forgiveness from her. That was why he was here in the first place. Seeing her this broken and destroyed, and knowing that he was partly a cause for it did wonders for his mentality. Really, it did. More guilt was being shoved upon him by the sackful, but a new ingredient was added to the mix - hate for his being and all he did. And he accepted it all, every single last bit of it because he knew he deserved it.
By now, she had given up throwing things at him and instead she had moved on to ranting.
"Why did you come back Malfoy? Why? So you could continue to torture me even after Lord Voldermort has kicked the bucket? Have you come back to savor your victory huh? I'm not who I am anymore, I'm broken, I'm destroyed and I bet that makes you happy! And how exactly do you plan on 'saving' us as you said?" At this point she made air quotes. "I bet you didn't even meant your apology."
Draco could feel the tide of anger rising within him. She didn't understand his intentions and had jumped to conclusions. He gritted his teeth and said: "I meant every last part of it. And you don't even know why I'm actually doing this."
Hermione paused, silent tears streaming down her face.
"I don't believe you."
She turned and strode off into her bedroom. The slam of the door echoed down the hallway. Draco placed his head into his hands and let out a frustrated growl. This was not going well.
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Hermione collapsed onto her bedroom bed as the pain lacerated through her chest again. She curled herself up into a ball, wrapping her arms around herself in her bid to keep her heart from shattering into pieces. She tried to choke back the tears and took several deep breaths. Seeing him in her living room just brought back a flood of unpleasant and bitter memories. And all those lies that he said… She grabbed a pillow off her bed and threw it at the door. It hit the door with a soft thump before it slid to the floor. She cried herself out for what seemed like forever until she finally fell into an uneasy sleep.
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Draco heard something hit her bedroom door. He raised one eyebrow. Was she still trying to hit him from within her room? Fantastic, he thought bitterly. He eyed the damage around him, broken vases and objects littered the floor. He picked up his wand and with a wave, repaired the damage. He sank down into the cushions of her sofa. It wasn't as if he had anywhere else to go anyway.
The silence around him seemed so loud now. It was as if Granger's absence had sucked the life out of the room as well. He came to realize, with shuddering clarity, that he was alone - unequivocally, undeniably alone. There was no one he could turn to and no family to return to. There was no one who would be delighted to see him. Riding the coattails of that loneliness was a regret. What if he'd never joined the Dark Lord? What if he'd fought with Potter instead of against him? Images of his mother ran through his mind. He'd helped the Dark Lord to protect his mother, but now she was dead as well, and all his efforts seemed to be for naught.
He arranged one of the many cushions on her sofa underneath his head and as he felt the loneliness swamp his being, he let go and fell into a sleep fraught with nightmares.
A/N: There wasn't any reviews for the last chapter, which was a bit disappointing, but hopefully it's due to the fact that it was a holiday period and not due to the story.
I hope that this chapter would be one that you guys love and perhaps (fingers crossed!) you might leave a review on the way out?
Thank you for reading!
AmandaCJY