Author's Note: Takes place during season six's "A Change is Gonna Come." The motivation is that I felt CJ felt really terrible about taking the China summit away from Josh. The fact that she showed up to his office to make sure he was okay was telling.

"You'd Never Come to Me"

Josh sat in his office and threw back another glass of scotch. It wasn't a good sign, but what did he care for signs at the moment. Ever since his PTSD culminated in his putting a hand through a window he tried to limit the amount of alcohol he consumed alone. He knew that the drinking didn't cause his PTSD, but he was a little superstitious…usually. Tonight he sat in his dark office, illuminated only by the lamp on his desk and television screen, and he drank. Excessively.

He should have been at the ceremony down the hall. James Taylor was playing; Sam Cooke was being honored, but instead Josh sat at his desk drinking scotch alone and reading John Hoynes' new book. He hadn't planned on that. He had planned to ignore it, but there was always something about Hoynes. He had given Josh his start. Sure, he'd ended up ignoring his counsel, which caused him to quit, but there was something about him.

Josh always thought of it like he thought of his first girlfriend. Her name was Caroline Jensen. She was tall and bossy and funny. In fact as he thought about it now she reminded him a little of CJ. He shook his head at that realization. The point was that Caroline was the first girl he loved. They were both fifteen and smitten, but, as with most first loves, it ended. They fought. She started dating his best friend before she eventually moved to another city. He was heartbroken and until he was about thirty he'd sometimes find his mind wandering to Caroline and what could have been.

He felt that way about John Hoynes. He'd given him his first chance. He'd helped mold him into what he was. He'd always felt guilty that he'd left him right before the campaign, but he knew it was for the best. And now Hoynes was back. He'd summoned him to car for a clandestine meeting. He wanted Josh to run his campaign.

Josh took another sip of his drink. Sure he was crazy, but he wasn't that crazy. Was he? He wished he had someone to talk to about it, but he didn't. Toby would laugh at him and think it was a joke. Donna wouldn't understand how he could even entertain the idea. She was fiercely loyal like that. Will might be a possibility. He always seemed to be a pretty solid sounding board for out there ideas, but he was grooming Russell for the nation's top job. That left CJ.

Much as he wanted to talk to CJ about it, he'd never go to her for something like that. He could never allow himself to be that vulnerable. He'd done it once before, years and years ago when there was the possibility of more between them. It made him feel better for a moment, but he couldn't impose on her like that again for reasons unspoken.

As if she sensed he was thinking about her, she appeared in his doorway. She knocked timidly on his door to break him from his reverie.

"Josh?"

"Yeah," he said dropping his copy of Hoynes' book in his lap.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

She stood in the doorway at a respectable distance. She wasn't going to enter without his permission. She still felt guilty about taking the China trip from him. He could see it in her eyes.

"Nothing," he lied, pulling his feet down from his desk and planting them on the floor. He gestured to her to come in and tried to pretend for a moment that he was completely sober.

He surveyed her dress. She was flashing a little more décolletage than usual. "You look nice," he said, trying to remind himself that CJ was off-limits to him in that way now.

She entered and sat down across from him. "Thanks. Did you come to the concert?" she asked.

"No," he said.

"You missed James Taylor," she said.

"Yeah, I was…" he let his sentence end with a shrug. He wasn't sober enough to come up with a plausible lie.

"Doing some light reading?" she asked. She gestured towards the book in his lap.

He fiddled with the tome and tossed it carelessly on his desk. "A little," he replied.

"Did Toby give you Will's copy?"

"No. Hoynes sent this to me."

CJ took that in for a moment. "Is it cataloged correctly?" she asked.

"Hmm?" Josh said. He wasn't sober enough to follow her train of thought.

"They say it's an autobiography, but I kind of wondered if what he was saying was more fiction than non-fiction," she explained.

"I haven't gotten that far," Josh said. "It seems fairly accurate, if not a little self-important."

"You got any more scotch?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah," Josh said. He pulled the bottle out from his bottom desk drawer. CJ reached behind her and grabbed a clean glass from the counter. She handed it to him to fill.

"How many ahead are you?" she asked him as he handed her the glass back.

"One," Josh lied.

"So two then?"

"CJ-"

"I'm not judging," she said. She took a long sip. "You've earned it."

Josh said nothing for minute. "I'm in the book a lot more than I thought I'd be," he told her.

"Did you think he'd ignore you?" she asked.

"No, but it's more than I thought."

"How many mentions do you rate?" she asked.

"Donna said 39," he replied.

CJ took another long sip. He could tell it was hard to go down. CJ was more a fruity drink and beer kind of girl. "The glory days?" CJ asked.

"Something like that," he replied. He finished off his glass and decided that he'd had enough. He wasn't quite drunk, but definitely not sober. He felt numb, which was exactly what he'd set out to feel after he returned from his meeting with Hoynes.

"Toby'll have some interesting things to say about it I'm sure," Josh said.

"Is he in it a lot?"

"His name can be found between a few choice expletives when he gets into the campaign stuff," Josh said.

CJ smirked. "I have no doubt. Do you remember when Toby burst onto the press bus and did a five-minute routine about Hoynes' position on Social Security?"

Josh chuckled. "That was happiest I think I've ever seen him," Josh said.

CJ chuckled too before the moment passed. "I'd have thought he'd have mentioned you a little more," Josh said. "Considering you were the one going after him in the press most of the time."

CJ didn't say anything. "Do you want to know how many times you're mentioned?" he asked.

"I already know," CJ said.

"Toby counted for you?"

"No. Hoynes called me."

"Really," Josh said as a definite statement rather than question.

"Yes."

"He called you to tell you that you weren't in the book?" Josh asked.

"He did."

"Is there a reason you rate a call from the man himself?" Josh asked.

It was a question that gnawed at him that he never put to words. In truth it was because he thought he already knew the answer to his question. He'd never told CJ but he thought he'd seen her before she started working for the Bartlet campaign. He thought he'd seen her get into an elevator with his then-boss, John Hoynes. And if Josh was honest with himself he was almost certain he saw Hoynes slip his hand down the small of her back. But asking now…that night seemed like a hundred years ago. They were both so young then.

"Not particularly."

She gave him a pointed look that told him without words not to ask. It all but confirmed to Josh that what he suspected was correct. He wasn't sure what to feel about it. He felt like he should have questions, but he found himself coming up short. Maybe it was the scotch.

"How was James Taylor?" he asked to change the topic of conversation. He felt uncomfortable. It made him sad because he'd never felt uncomfortable with CJ before.

"Good," she said. "Really good. He sang A Change is Gonna Come."

"That's a good one."

"I couldn't help but feel like it was more of an omen than a song," CJ said. She gazed into her glass.

"A lot has changed," Josh said.

"Yes it has," CJ replied.

"Do you think it'll ever be like it was?" he asked. His tone was so hopeful that it broke CJ's heart.

"No," she said truthfully. She finished off her glass. It went down hard, but quickly. "I don't think it would ever be the same with Hoynes either."

"What?" Josh asked.

"You heard me," she said.

"I wasn't thinking about…why would you say that?" he asked. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he was suddenly very paranoid. There was no way CJ could know about the phone call or the meeting with Hoynes. She was fishing; a little too close to his school of secrets.

"Josh he sent you a copy of his book," CJ explained. "He's been doing the rounds on the talk shows you go on if you're getting ready to announce and he called me tonight to make sure things were copacetic. Do you honestly expect me to believe that your name wasn't the next one on his call sheet tonight?"

"You think he's running for sure?" Josh asked, not really answering her question at all.

"I think we both know he's running and he'd be a damn fool not to get you back into the fold," she replied. She leaned in as she spoke and lowered her voice. There were hardly any people left in the building, but she still felt the need to keep things quiet.

Josh didn't respond. He just played with the empty glass on his desk. "It won't be the same if you go back," CJ told him.

"I never entertained the idea that it would be," Josh said with a tone of hostility in his voice.

He didn't want to do this with CJ. He thought he wanted to talk to her, but then he realized why he never went to her. She had a brand of realism that sometimes snapped him out of alternate realities that he created for himself. It didn't happen often. Josh was a realist after all, but sometimes, just for a little while, he liked to entertain thoughts of the unattainable. Hoynes had been back in Josh's life for a sum total of one day and he was already lying to everybody; Donna, CJ, Hoynes, but most importantly to himself. The irony was not lost on him.

"I don't want you to make a mistake," CJ said. She looked nervous, like she was about to broach a subject she didn't want to.

"A mistake like working for John Hoynes again?" Josh asked. "I never even said he called me."

"Maybe he hasn't but we both know he will."

"And you want me to say no because I'm so busy around here? I've got the big China trip to worry about with protocol and tradition and—wait, no, I forgot, I don't have to worry about those things because I'm being reallocated to something else, like picking a tree for the Arbor Day jamboree."

He didn't realize it but he shot out of his chair and he paced behind his desk. CJ stood up as well, but she wasn't angry like he expected her to be.

"I'm sorry Josh," she said. Her eyes pleaded with him for forgiveness, but it wasn't her that he was truly angry with. "I'm sorry about China. If I could change it I would. You know it wasn't an easy decision."

"I know! I understand. Someone had to be the scapegoat and that someone is me," he exploded back her. He shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't stand here and make you feel better about this when I'm not okay with it do you understand?"

"I don't need you to make me feel better," she replied quietly.

"Then why are you here looking at me with the sad, pleading eyes?" he asked. He lowered his voice and changed his tone so he didn't sound so angry. "You want absolution? Fine. Whatever. I just think it's laughable that you're in here telling me that going back Hoynes would be a mistake because things would be different. Look around CJ, things are different here and it's never going back to what we knew."

"I know that."

Josh sat back down in his chair as CJ moved closer to the door. She'd let him have his temper tantrum and now she was moving forward. "What's next indeed," Josh thought to himself.

"You're not the only one who sees how different it is," CJ said as she walked to the door. "I stopped by tonight because I knew you'd never come to me…maybe it's because I'm your boss now, maybe it's because you were never really comfortable talking to me about work things like this, but I didn't come by to upset you."

She turned her back to leave when Josh called, "Claudia Jean?"

She turned and looked at him. Use of her full name transported her to a time when they'd both be mad and yelling, but it would end with kisses and tenderness. She wished it was like that now.

"There were plenty of times when I wanted to come to you," he said. "But I think we both know things are different now."

CJ nodded. "Josh, whatever happens, you did a hell of job on the China trip. And, I need you to know that I still need you."

She bit her bottom lip to stifle a frown. She was infinitely sad about the entire situation, but as Chief of Staff she didn't have time to internalize anything. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said.

"Goodnight," Josh said.

He reached for the remote and turned off the television that was already on mute. He sat in the dimly-lit room and sighed audibly. He had much to think about, not the least of which was what to do about John Hoynes.

TBC