Title: Runaround Affair

Summary: Valentine's Day is coming. If only Vincent could convince Cid that he was not trying to get into Yuffie's pants...

Pairing: Chaos, Hellmasker, Galian, Death Gigas, Vincent X Cid.

Warnings: ...Hell. Cid bottoms, ChaosCid, VincentCid, swearing, graphicness, violence, grammar, spelling, yadda, yadda, yadda. Anything goes in one of mine! NOT FOR CHILDREN!

Disclaimer: I own very little; FFVII is not among the items on my list

Cid groaned as he shifted the next morning, bleary eyes cracking open and looking around, finding himself fully dressed and dry, fully cocooned in blankets. "Eh, that was a weird dream..." he muttered as he looked around, finding himself alone. Grunting slightly in pain, he squirmed and tried to free himself from the blankets. "Damn man's tryin' ta tie me down?"

After almost an hour of writhing, he managed to free a hand and pull himself free and tear the blankets off of himself. Hobbling out of bed, he slowly hopped to the bathroom before relieving himself and heading back to the bed. Grimacing, he sat down and looked around for a clock. "Fuck it, 'm getting some food." As soon as the words left his lips, the door swung open, revealing Vincent with a tray of food. "Man, ya should work in the delivery business!" he said with a grin.

Vincent frowned as he looked at the healing blonde; his hair was slightly mussed and clothes were rumpled, but he showed no signs of being molested by demons. "...What are you doing up?"

"Well, I sure as fuck wasn't gonna piss myself!" Cid snapped as the tray of food was placed on his lap. "Eh? Tifa was cooking?"

Vincent nodded as Chaos smirked at Hellmasker, "Enjoy your tryst with the minx? Because that is the last time you will touch him."

The masked demon revved his chainsaw as he rasped, "Cidney mine!"

The gunner nodded as he watched the pilot begin to eat ravenously, ignoring the bickering demons. "So," Cid mumbled around a mouth-full of bacon. "Got everythin' all set fer Valentine's Day?"

"...No."

"Eh? Why not? Ya got the Brat- Er, Yuffie, a ring, got 'er flowers. What else 'r ya possibly missin'?"

"I am not good at dating," he muttered.

"So? Ain't got ta be fuckin' good at datin'. She's obviously smitten with ya; hangs out 'round ya all the time, won't shut up 'bout ya, wants to drag ya places so ya can spend time with 'er..."

"...That sounds a lot like you, Chief," Vincent said with a slight smile spreading across his face. His smile grew behind the long cowl of his mantle as the blonde turned a shade of red and stammered.

"'Ey! I ain't a fuckin' chick an' don't get the wrong idea 'bout me! I ain't gay!" He spat, knowing that his ears were burning bright red.

"I am sure, Captain," he replied, continuing to watch as the blonde resumed eating. "What is your stance on chocolate?"

"Chocolate? Can't go wrong there, Val. Jus' watch 'er fer a while. Ya'll see what kind she likes 'ventually an' get 'er a big ol' heart filled with 'em. Women love sentiment, too. Put a little note in there an' she'll want to marry ya on the spot!"

"Hmm, what should the note say?"

"Fuck should I know? I know ya youngin's need someone ta look up to, but even I ain't that well versed in datin' little girls! ...Wait, that came out wrong!"

"...I am fifty-seven."

"Bullshit! An' I'm fuckin' Cupid!"

"I am serious."

"The day yer fifty-seven is the day I dress up in hot pants an' give out flowers ta anyone with a smile!"

"...I will take you up on that offer, Chief."

"Deal! An' when ya can't prove it; after all 'a this shit is over an' we all part ways yer gonna keep all 'a 'em from buggin' me an' let me die in peace!"

Upon hearing that, Vincent frowned, "You wish not to see anyone after we survive this?"

"'Ey, don't get me wrong, some of ya can be fun. But the women here are 'bout as fun as leprosy. I ain't got any false hopes of making it past my fifties, Val. 'M an old man who likes to smoke and drink. As did my parents an' they were lucky to make it to forty-five!Speakin' of which...where the fuck are my cigs?"

All of Vincent's demons howled in dispair at Cid's words, making Vincent cringe. "They were destroyed. I will pick you up some later. ...And you never know, you are in good shape and are still young. You could outlive some of us."

"Doubt it. Now, back ta yer dating woes; pick a place to date? Picnic? Stroll off the deck? Shower?"

Raising an eyebrow, Vincent shook his head. "No."

"Well, what are ya gonna do?"

"...I do not know."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but yer pathetic, Val."

"...Thank you?"

"Eh, don't give me that. Ya got ta have some kind of game plan! Some women like cheap dates: bottle of wine, mushy cheese, dark night sky above 'em; some don't: expensive dinners, roses, martinis, the whole shebang! Yer gonna want ta figure out just what she likes and how yer going ta make due. Now, what are ya going ta talk 'bout?"

"...Talk?"

"You know, small talk! How was your day, the weather, that rash... Whatever ya ask, get ready ta listen. Women like ta yap yer ear off then continue to yap to it while yer bleedin' an' it's lyin' helpless on the ground."

"So I need to keep her talking..."

"Yeah, an' don't be surprised if she wants ta quiz ya on it later. Could be a few minutes or decades later, but she wants ta know that yer payin' attention ta her! Don't take notes, though. Prissy women hate that."

"...Okay."

"Ask him what to do when you want to nail the one helping you get together with someone you can't stand sexually," Chaos asked with a smirk. "Especially when you wake up with your hand down your pants and sticky leathers thinking of the gorgeous, blonde man who has the mental capacity of a brick."

"Shut up," Vincent muttered to the cackling demon as his face flushed.

"Gettin' embarrassed, Val? I ain't even gone over condoms yet!"

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Thanks for reviewing if you want it:

Aeriths-Rain: Possibly.

yumie-darkness123: Same.

Haru-HaruGD: Err, nope?

Faoiltierna: SkyPilot Club? I like that. Well, we'll find out eventually, no?

Dreadful Virtue: It's anorexic.

ABNORMAL2110: Ha! Indeed!

FaiNeko: I wouldn't know. I'll take your word for it!

Doofenschmirtz Evil Inc: ost likely. Thanks.

paint-tin: He probably likes it.

PhoenixDivine: I might explain that, I don't know.

amaya-nights rain: Because he's blonde?

yaoi-thundeh: I will try! I suck at description.

Rumen: Yes?

sugabears: Thanks; I make it up as I go, so I tend to lack plot.