14. Release

"I am sorry," he said, looking at my hands, rather than my face. He began to play with my fingers, tracing patterns on my palm. River hadn't show such intimacy with me before – even when I'd practically asked for it – and it made me feel a little dizzy. River suddenly seemed to realise what he was doing and dropped my trembling hands.

"Don't," I said, annoyed with myself at the way I resigned in his touch. He looked at my face and sighed that sigh. That you-are-an-immature-mentally-unstable-hormonal-teenager-who-doesn't-need-encouragement sigh. That's why I was surprised when he did take my hands again, squeezing them gently.

"Your brother is very sick, Giselle. He is in hospital. They do not know what is wrong with him. They think it is some sort of virus, but are unsure. He is not doing very well." I heard the words River hadn't said. They think your brother might die. I wasn't entirely sure what happened next except that one second I was standing, and the next I was in River's arms, the whole world spinning in a mess of green leaves and blue eyes. I could imagine my brother in hospital. I could imagine my little mother sitting beside the bed holding his hand while my father stood on the other side of the room, pacing or reading, seeming calm even though he was dying inside. And I could see Adam's face, pale, gaunt and groggy.

Angus had told me. Angus had said someone would die. It was going to be Adam. Adam would die. It wasn't River, because he survived the attack. It wasn't me. It was Adam. Adam was going to die. And it was my fault.

It killed me. But what killed me more was the place I knew I should be. I knew I should be in that hospital. I should be making those coffee runs. I should be making sure Mum remembered to sleep and Dad remembered to eat. I should have been talking to Adam during those times he woke up in the dead of night in pain. I saw the hospital room in my mind and knew I belonged there. And as soon as I realised this, the barrier I had so perfectly put up, fell. And it fell with bravado.

Memories came flooding back with such force it knocked the breath out of me, making me shake as I tried to breathe. The burning in my lungs returned with the stinging in my eyes making tears leak out. I tried to get out of River's arms, pushing him away, but I wasn't even sure which way was up. River let me flail until I had lost my balance and toppled again, which was when River caught me, sweeping me up in his arms and walking towards the house. I couldn't see anything through the tears and I hated River. I hated him for abducting me. I hated him from taking my family away. I hated him for telling me my brother was dying. I hated that I still wanted him.

I curled up into a ball in his arms, my hands wrapped tightly around his neck as I sobbed into his chest. I wasn't sure where the time went, but before I knew it I was being placed gently on my bed, the blue marble of my room making me feel safe. River tried to untangle me from him, but I was adamant. In the end River relented and placed me on the bed, lying beside me. I huddled up against his chest, holding his shirt tightly. He began to slowly stroke my hair with one hand, letting my tears soak his clothes. When my sobs had slowed and my breathing had returned to a partially normal rate, River's fingers began to unconsciously trail over my cheek and jaw. I closed my eyes, just enjoying the feel of his skin against mine. Neither of us spoke for a long time. I was glad. I didn't want to ruin this moment. And when someone spoke I would be brought back to reality. The reality where I was in the arms of a monster – and enjoying it – while my brother died in hospital.

I opened my eyes at the thought. No, I couldn't think about them anymore. I would put my barrier back up and never think of them again. I wasn't going back to them. They didn't even know who I was.

"You need to rest, Giselle," River said softly, turning his head so his lips hovered just over mine.

"No," I told him. I couldn't. I would dream of them. I knew it. And I didn't want it.

"Please," River pleaded gently.

"I'll have nightmares." I titled my head towards him, letting our lips touch just barely, as I looked into his marble stone blue eyes. I felt River's gulp as his arms tightened on me.

"Not now, Giselle," River said, closing his eyes. But he didn't turn his head away. His lips were still hovering millimetres over mine. "You are scared and upset, this would not do well for you."

"If you hadn't wanted to do this to me, you shouldn't have told me," I said, almost irritated.

River opened his eyes, looking hurt. "You deserved to know, Giselle."

"I don't want to know."

"I could not hide this from you. Not something like this. It is not right."

"Unless you are going to let me go, I don't want you to tell me these things. They just…" I couldn't finish because of the burning in my lungs.

"Giselle," River said with such emotion it scared me. He looked and sounded like he was hurting. Did that mean he did care about me after all?

His lips came down on mine with a sudden urgency that I wasn't ready for. I melted away into my own world as his kiss deepened, sending my mind to a strangely happy place. River wound his hands around my neck, into my hair, holding me tightly. He rolled slowly, pressing his body over mine and running his hands over the shape of my breasts, stomach, hips and thighs. He grabbed the top of my thigh and pulled it up so he was holding my knee to his side. My arms slid their way down his sides and pressing against the small of his back. I found the end of his shirt and began playing my fingers on his bare skin underneath the fabric while River continued to kiss me.

I thought of my first dreams of River – the nightmares – and this seemed so different. River wasn't cold and callous; he was soft and caring. I wasn't sure how long we stayed kissing. River's mouth on the edge of my jaw, on my chin, on the space just below my ear, on my neck, on the vein I could feel pulsing with each breath, on my collarbone, on the freckle near my cleavage, in the cleft of my breasts, on the bottom of my ribs, on the delicate skin above and below my belly button, on my hip bone, on the inside of my thighs, on the back of my knee, on the bone of my ankle. He was exploring my body. A body that I assumed had been fairly foreign to him for a long time.

I wasn't sure when we both removed our clothes, but suddenly they were gone. We weren't under the covers of my bed, simply on top of them, River touching each part my body slowly and carefully, as if to memorise it. I traced over the blue veins in his white skin with my fingers, lips and tongue. I felt the calluses on his hands and neck and ran my hands over his smooth, muscled chest.

There wasn't sex, but there didn't need to be. I pressed my ear to his chest, listening for a heartbeat. I heard our breathing falling in time with each other as if time itself had stopped. And for the first time I felt the throb of his heart.

I smiled and whispered, "You're alive." For some reason this woke River up. He pushed himself off me, looking carefully at me. His face went through shock, pain and realisation all within a second. He pushed away from me so roughly I was unsure of what had happened. River began collecting his clothes, putting them on too quickly.

"This…" he began. His hands were trembling and he was moving around the room like he was trying to find something to do. He threw on his pants and began looking for something else to distract him.

"What's wrong?" I murmured.

"I can not do this, Giselle. This… it is not right."

"Why?" I asked, sitting up slowly and bringing my feet to the floor.

"I am using you, Giselle. Can you not see that? It is wrong. I am taking advantage of you. You are upset and angry. You need rest, not what I was trying to force on you."

"You weren't forcing anything on me," I told him as I stood and made my way to where he was desperately trying to avoid my gaze by looking for his shirt.

"You are not healthy, Giselle. I just told you your brother is dying and you react by almost letting me steal your virginity. That is not right of me and not a normal response from you." I grabbed River's hands to make him stop moving.

"Who said I was a virgin?" I asked. River finally made eye contact.

"That would not matter…" He trailed off and looked at me carefully. "You are not a virgin?" he asked, almost looking hurt. Actually, I was. Sure, I had messed around with guys before, but I had never actually slept with them. Most of them were too sleazy or too possessive for me too ever want to sleep with them. I'd never really felt like I wanted to sleep with any of them. I guess I'd been waiting. I'd never have thought River would be the one who I'd desperately want so much from.

"And if I weren't?" I tested. River shook off whatever he was feeling and said,

"It still wouldn't matter. I cannot take advantage of you like this. It is not fair on you." I watched him carefully as he waited for my argument. I didn't say anything. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the V of his collarbone.

"I am, you know," I said as River took me in his arms.

"What?"

"A virgin. You looked so scared when you thought I wasn't," I smiled.

"Well… I grew up in a time when women stayed a virgin till marriage. It was impure not to. If you did you were gossiped about; people assumed you were a whore."

"Would you have thought I was whore if I'd had sex before marriage?"

"My thoughts of you would not have changed," River sighed.

"You said women. Didn't this rule apply to men?" I asked. I felt River flinch, and I pulled away to look at him.

"Men were able to have… relations with paid women until they got married."

"Prostitutes?"

"Essentially."

"Did you?"

"It wasn't out of the normal," River sighed. "And I was probably the most-" He cut himself off, making me wonder what he was going to say. He was the most horny (although River would never say that), desperate, sex driven?

"Yes?" I prompted.

"I was probably the most adored. I was a prince. I had lots of wealth. And… I was very handsome. And with status, wealth and looks came women. It is how the world works." River laughed bitterly. I was frozen to the spot. A prince. A handsome prince. A rich handsome prince. My prince. The dream. That dream.

"You were once beautiful, but no more. You will no longer use your looks to destroy the hearts of women and heads of men. You will wait, for all eternity, for your temper to subside, your impatience to leave you and your selfishness to disappear. You will remain cursed until you are able to find a woman to fall in love with you – your inner self – even though you are hideously ugly. When that happens, and she declares her love for you, you must kill her, freeing yourself from your curse."

"Tell me," I said softly.

River looked at me carefully, eyes inquisitive. Then he pushed me away and put his head in his hands. "I have not spoken of that time. To anyone. Ever."

"You were human. Weren't you?"

"Yes. I was. Once. Thousands of years ago."

"Prince of Reon."

"Yes," River said, his head snapping up.

"And you were betrothed. To a very beautiful woman. Jocelyn."

"Yes… how… how do you know this?" River looked hurt and… scared. I'd never seen him scared before.

"Remember when I told you about the dream of a prince when I was humming that melody in the kitchen?"

"Yes."

"Well… this dream… it was you. Well, not really. I mean, it was you, but it was a different you. A human. You called me Jocelyn and we danced to that melody."

"That was a melody I composed for her… Jocelyn," River said slowly.

"Is she…?" I trailed off, letting my unsaid question hang in the air.

"Yes," River said stiffly. "She died a long time ago. She was human."

"Angus killed her. That's what he was talking about."

"Yes. He is a death faery. He came to me and told me someone would die. A few weeks later, she died. I had been watching her ever since I had become… this."

"What happened?" I asked. River turned away and took a deep breath. I took the chance to slip a t-shirt over my head and pull on some jeans. River turned to face me again, rubbing a hand over his face.

"I was only young, but was to take the throne from my father, because he was sick and could not really govern anymore. But in order to take the throne I needed to have a wife. A queen. Suitors came from all over Reon to have a chance at becoming my queen. Like I said, I was rich, powerful and handsome. And this is what made me conceited, impatient and ill tempered. I broke many women and their families. And I destroyed men with jealousy. I was a vindictive foolish child. I enjoyed the attention I got. I enjoyed the maliciousness. I felt enjoyment from other's pain."

River stopped, taking a breath. He sat at the large mahogany chair at my desk and sunk back. I sat on my bed, crossing my legs and leaning against the bed head.

"No woman was good enough for me. Too short. Too tall. Too thin. Too fat. Too talkative. Too shy. Too defiant. Too obedient. Too… well, I always managed to find a flaw. My parents got so frustrated they threatened to refuse the crown to me and give it to my younger brother. This was an empty threat because he was only twelve. So I continued to be the cruel, selfish child I was. And then I met Jocelyn. She was so beautiful it hurt. She… you remind me of her."

River looked at me to gauge my expression. I kept my face blank and waited for him to continue.

"She had silky black hair and chocolate skin with the most luscious lips I have ever seen. One smile and she had me on my knees. And not many girls had me falling at their feet. She was kind and caring with two little brothers she adored. She was so much cleverer than all the other girls I had met and she had a charm that made me want to… protect her. I had never felt that for someone before. And I did want to marry her. So I pursued her. Whether she liked me or not, did not really matter. Her parents approved, so soon our engagement was announced. Everything worked out well. My parents liked Jocelyn and her mother and father. She came from a wealthy family and their status was well known. We were a perfect match."

River stood, paced a few times, wringing his hands.

"Come here," I said softly. He looked up, then at my open hand inviting. He looked as if he was going to protest, until he sighed in resignation and took my hand, sitting next to me, entwining his fingers in mine.

"It all went well until a few nights before the wedding and my coronation. A fair came to our city. A circus, if you will. As was custom, the top performers performed for the royal court while we had a feast. I had hardly even thought of other women while I was with Jocelyn and I was convinced I would be happy in the marriage. Now that I look back on it… I think I might have loved her. I just could not admit it. I did not like the thought that I would be confined to only one woman for the rest of my life. I was still a frivolous child. Jocelyn deserved more."

River sighed again. I rested my head on his shoulder, breathing slowly. He ran a hand through my hair.

"Anyway, there was one performer – an dancer – who danced with such grace and beauty I forgot about Jocelyn for the few minutes she was dancing. I was awed. She had skin like porcelain and golden brown hair that was braided all the way down her back. I had only seen a few foreigners with pale skin and thought all of them were pasty, but this woman looked like she glowed. She had curves to drive any man mad and a glint in her eyes – they were black – that made you think about things you thought were not capable. She wore scarce clothing. Nothing more than pieces of floaty blue silk.

My eyes did not leave her all night. She danced as if she were in water, one movement flowing into the next with such intensity it made every man in the room believe she was dancing just for him. In a way, she was. She was a faery. The first I ever met. I watched her every move and after dinner I followed her. I followed her from the ballroom to an empty alcove. She knew I was coming and waited for me. When I found her I could not help myself. My lips were on hers before she could even say her name. I hardly remember what happened after that. All I know is that my night was full of magic. Everything was vague. And when I woke I in my room as if nothing had happened. Determined to find out if what had happened had been a dream I found where the gypsies were staying. She was there, about to perform for some of the city. When she saw me she took me to her tent and introduced herself. Lilith she told me her name was. She was like a demon."

River laughed bitterly.

"Beauty beyond human reach and rarity that made her so unattainable. Yet everyone knew she was dangerous. And she was. For the next month or so I met with Lilith almost everyday, falling into bed with her and falling for her magic. Jocelyn knew something was wrong. So did my family. But no one said anything. I was king now and my father was on the verge of death. Everyone assumed I was grieving. I was not. I was disloyal. The real world disappeared for too long and I got lost. Always stuck in this haze of Lilith. Over the weeks she learnt of my temper and selfishness. She saw the way I treated people, like they were beneath me, scum. She saw how impatient I was. She saw how I always needed to have my way. She saw my conceited nature. And she hated it. She saw how I treated Jocelyn, my wife, and wanted revenge. Not on Jocelyn. No. She wanted revenge on me. I was everything she hated and more. She saw how easily I hurt people and wanted me to pay. Wanted me to feel guilt. So, one night, after I had-"

River broke off, grimacing. I touched his arm gently and he took a breath.

"I had hurt Jocelyn. Hit her. I will never, never forgive myself for that. And I only did it because she had kissed me. Because she had touched my chest. She wanted a husband, someone to love, and someone to love her back. She wanted intimacy and children. I gave her nothing but fear and depression. Lilith decided tonight I was to get my punishment. I had spent the night with Lilith, under her magic spell, unaware and ignorant. After… well, Lilith left for an hour or so. Where, I do not know. And that made me nervous and angry. Like I said, I was impatient and aggressive. When she came back I shouted at her for leaving me. For not telling me where she went. For keeping me waiting. And that was when she changed me into this. She gave me magic and made me a faery. Well, not quite a faery, but not a human. That is why I was never really accepted into a court – I am half human.

Lilith told me I would spend eternity trying to find love. When my temper, impatient nature and selfishness had disappeared. When I was not so arrogant and conceited. She said I would not be rid of the curse until a woman fell in love with me. Me as who I am. A monster. She told me once that woman declared her love for me – as Jocelyn had done so many times when I took it for granted – I would learn to appreciate it. I would not disregard it. Then…" River paused. "Once I had done that, I would be free of my curse." River took a breath and all movement stopped. He got off the bed slowly and looked at me.

"You aren't any of those things anymore," I told him. "That's what Angus must've meant about your curse. You've already completed half of your curse."

"That is not what he meant," River said, turning his head away, not explaining. His voice was empty of any of the emotion I had just heard.

"But you aren't any of those things anymore."

"Yes. I am." He closed his eyes, and then opened them again. "I am still able to hurt people so freely just so I can use them. How many times have I done it to you?" I stood up next to him, but he took a step away. "It is late. You need rest. Tomorrow I will tell you what hospital your brother is being kept at. I will let you see him." Then River turned, and with a swooping sound was gone.

I stood by my bed, stunned. What had just happened? I found out my brother was possibly dying from an unknown virus. I'd almost had sex with River. He'd just told me why he was a monster. And I was going to see my brother tomorrow. That meant I got to see my parents. That was about when the anxiety hit. My breathing became short, and black spots appeared in front of my eyes. I gripped the bedpost for support while my vision cleared up. It was surprisingly dark outside. It frightened me. I stumbled to the curtains and drew them shut before staggering back to my bed and flopping on the covers. I crawled in and closed my eyes.

I couldn't see my family tomorrow. I just couldn't. I couldn't see them and know that they didn't recognise me. I couldn't do it.

I wasn't strong enough. I doubted I ever would be.