15. Home

River takes both of my hands in his, gently pulling me towards him. I am wearing my midnight blue gown and we are both in the ballroom. But River is River. Monster River. He is wearing my prince's clothing, but he is still my River.

"You know what I have not said. What I cannot say," he says, looking at me urgently.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, confused.

"What I want to say."

"Then say it," I say, suddenly irritated.

"I can not. You will get hurt."

"I don't understand."

"You know what I want to say, but cannot. Something that is so important. You listened to my story. You know why I cannot say it. But you know it is true. You understand."

"No. I don't. What are you talking about?"

"Something I so desperately try to hide. The reason why I am letting you see your brother. The reason why I am giving back your memories – your family's memories. Why I am letting you go home."

"Home?" The word sounds foreign. I am home.

"To your family."

"I… I don't have a family."

"Yes," River says, pulling me closer. "You do. I took you away from them, but I am giving them back. I am giving them back so you forget about me. So I do not have to tell you."

"Tell me what?" I shout. River looks hurt.

"You know. You do. You just do not believe that I could ever do such a thing."

"Do what?" I yell. River flinches again. He releases a hand and places it on my chest, just above my heart. I hear the melody on the piano begin and it calms me.

"This," River says, playing his fingers over my skin.

"I don't understand."

"You do," River answers. He leans in and gives me short kiss on the lips before pulling away.

He quickly traces a shape of a heart on my skin with his fingers, then, with a swooping sound, he disappears.

When I woke up I was surprised. Surprised I had fallen asleep. Surprised I hadn't had nightmares. Surprised I was awake. I got up quickly, having a shower and getting dressed. I wasn't sure what time it was, except that the sun was out beyond my window. I almost ran from my room and down the corridor to the main hallway. I needed to find River. I needed to tell him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't see my brother. If he was– I stopped suddenly, choking on the word I hadn't even said aloud. If he was dying, it didn't matter. If didn't affect my life anymore. I wasn't part of his life, and he wasn't part of mine. I tried to convince myself of this, but it didn't work. I ended up holding the wall for support as I tried to breathe. I was shaking, but it had nothing to do with the cold.

Faster than I'd gotten to the hallway I was back in my room. I was scrambling through my things, my hands shaking, looking for the small vile. Once I'd found it I grabbed the small hand mirror I'd taken from the south wing. I opened the vile and tipped some of the white powder out, organising it into lines with an old bus ticket. I'd told River no more. But I needed it. Now, I needed it. Tipping my head over the mirror and reaching for the plastic tube of my broken pen, my reflection stared back at me. Then I saw my brother reflected. Sick. Dying. In the hospital, surrounded by the white oppressive walls. My mother weeping. My father shaking. Picking up the mirror I threw it at the wall. It smashed on impact, the pieces and powder raining to the ground.

Then, suddenly I remembered the dream I'd had last night. The memory was cloudy and strange at first, not really making any sense. As a defence mechanism for my messed up mind it turned all thoughts to the dream and soon the dream cleared. It still didn't make any sense. What did River want me to know, but couldn't tell me? What was he trying to say, while desperately wanting to hide? What did he think I believe he couldn't ever do? Why would it hurt me? What did I already know, but couldn't figure out?

Then it hit me. What River hadn't said to keep me safe? What I thought he would never do. Love. The thought hit me with such force my whole body rocked. I felt my knees give out, and I clutched the wall, putting my back against the cold marble and sliding down carefully. Did River really love me, or was this just my subconscious telling me that? I needed to find River. I stood slowly, my legs shaky, and resumed my search. All the way to River's room I rehearsed what I would say to him in my head.

I didn't want to see my brother. What happened to my brother didn't affect me. If I went to the hospital it would just complicate things.

I reached River's door and knocked softly, suddenly conscious of how I looked. Did River really love me? Could he? Was it possible? The door opened slowly, and as soon as I saw River's face I caved.

"Please let me see my brother. Please let me see Adam," I sobbed, tears flowing from my eyes. River's face softened and became a look of sadness. He moved forward and took me in his arms. He kissed my forehead once and then put my face into his neck, letting me cry, stroking my hair soothingly.

"Oh Giselle," he sighed. "Of course I was going to let you see your brother. I said that yesterday." I didn't answer, just cried while River soothed me. "Giselle, Giselle, it will be all right," he kept murmuring into my hair. I cried for a little longer, before pulling away from River. He looked at me and closed his eyes, taking a breath, as if he had something terrible to say.

"What is it?" I asked immediately.

"I am letting you go. You may go back to your family."

"What?" I asked, not sure of what I was hearing.

"Your brother is sick and you deserve to see him. I…" River stopped. He looked like he was having a hard time saying whatever he wanted to say. I was patient. "I will give your family and friends their memories back. You may go home." I wasn't sure what to say. Why now? Why so sudden? But there was one question that was burning a hole through my heart. Was he doing this because he loved me? He wanted me to leave because of last night. The kiss. My dream was right. River loved me.

"The reason why I am letting you see your brother. The reason why I am giving back your memories – your family's memories. Why I am letting you go home."

But if he did love me, how was I supposed to go? If he loved me, how was I supposed to leave him here, alone, in this huge house with only my memory? And there was another question that made me feel sick to my stomach. Did I love him back? Could I leave him? The decision was made quicker than I had time to ponder. Yes. I could leave him. I wanted a life and family. River didn't age or die. I did. I could never be with River and I wanted my family back.

"Why?" I heard myself ask. I may have known the reason, but I wanted River to say it to me.

"Because… your brother needs you. So does the rest of your family. Mix too. You need to go home."

"No," I said.

"What?" River looked stunned.

"You are letting me go because of last night. You're scared you really feel something for me. That's why you're letting me go, isn't it?"

"I…" River looked at me pleadingly. "My reasons do not matter. You get to go home. It is what you want. What you and your family need."

"What about you?"

"I will go on as always."

"You can't just say that!" I was angry.

River seemed surprised. "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell me the truth."

"Fey cannot lie," he stated simply.

"But you can skip around a question. Just tell me. Do you want me? Do you feel something – anything – for me?"

"I…" He looked as if he were trying to get words out, but couldn't.

I felt tears in my eyes. "Just once, River. Just once I'd like you to be straight with me. To tell me you want me. To tell me you love me. And to tell me I'm not crazy for wanting you bac–" My sentence was bitten off as River grabbed my neck and pulled my lips to his. With his other hand he lifted me up, taking me to his bed and laying me the wrong way over the unmade bed.

"Fine," he said, voice tense and irritated, "fine, you want to hear that a monster loves you, then fine. Now, you know. It does not change anything. I am still a sadistic monster."

"Stop being stupid," I rolled my eyes. I was furious for some reason. "You're not a sadis–" And again he cut me off with an incensed kiss, laying over me, his hands holding me. "You can't just kiss me every time you don't like something I'm saying." I was still frustrated

He didn't answer. He just kissed me again, one hand under my back, his body pressed down on mine, the other hand at the back of my neck in my hair. His kiss was hard, like he was angry.

I wasn't even surprised that I felt the same way.

When I woke up, I found that River had covered me with a blanket. I sat, using the sheet to wrap around me. The room was dark, even though I knew it was light outside. River had shut the curtain, leaving only a slit open, which let light fall over the floor in a wonky line. I saw River sitting against the far wall, his head in his hands, wearing only shorts, the light just missing him.

"River?" I asked.

He looked up at me, face haunted. "Giselle." His voice sounded like that of a man who'd committed a terrible crime; full of guilt. He stood, and I could see that his hands were shaking. "I… what have I done?" He was pleading. Honestly pleading. "What have I done to you?"

"River, relax. It's okay–"

"No!" he shouted. "It is not okay. You deserve so much more than me–"

"Oh, just shut up!" I shouted back.

River's jaw snapped shut. He was angry again. I stood up, holding the sheet around me and walking to where he was standing. He still looked haunted.

"You don't deserve anything. Neither do I. Because I don't believe in that shit. I believe, that this happened because we both wanted it. And that's all."

"You are so much more than you know," River said, putting a hand to my cheek, his anger slipping away. Maybe he was scared that something would happen again. I put my hands around his neck, the sheet falling away from me. River put his hands on my waist, his touch so cold I gasped. He began to move away, but I gripped him. He looked over my body, then to my eyes, holding my gaze. There was silence for a long time after that. Then, "Mix is waiting for you outside the gate."

"What?" I was startled by the mention of the name.

"They have their memories returned. You went on an exchange to France for the months you were here. Today was the day you came to the mansion for the first time with Mix."

"You…" I didn't know what to do. "You're getting rid of me." Tears stung at my eyes.

River wiped them away. "You have no future here. Only death. I do not get that luxury, and never will. Please. Do this. For me."

"How can I leave you?"

"I will survive on the comfort that you have lived. You have lived where I couldn't. Where many others couldn't. Just give me that."

It took me too long to answer. So I nodded. Then, I changed into my clothes.

"Your things have been returned."

"Thank you." My words were empty.

River nodded. Nothing else was said, even if the air was filled with it. It was hard to say anything else with those words filling everything around us. So, nothing else was said.

Then, I left.

As I walked down the long pathway, Mix's slightly chubby form became more recognisable. She wasn't quite as plump as she'd been before Johnny, but she was getting better. There was something in that. I struggled to find it. I reached the gate, walking through, Mix looking terrified.

"I can't believe you would do that to me," Mix said. "And on the second day you get back. You scared me half to death. It wasn't funny, Giselle." It sounded so strange to hear her say my name. It had only been River for so long. "And when your brother is so sick. Are you trying to kill your parents?"

"Can you take me to see him? Adam?" I asked.

"Of course." Mix seemed suddenly scared by my tone. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I just need to see him."

Over the next month, I saw Adam nearly every day. Mum and Dad were too preoccupied to ask me about my 'trip to France' which I was eternally grateful for. Adam got worse and better everyday. He had to have surgery and therapy, no one really knowing what was going on or why he was sick. He was always having tests and was often too sick to even speak a few words.

In a way, I almost felt as if I were still at River's. Everyone was still a zombie to me, saying no more than a few tense awkward words. And I felt as if I didn't know them anymore. At all. It was so hard to relate.

My mother prayed everyday. So did I. I figured someone out there owed me something. Why couldn't it be this? I deserved this. I deserved this more than anyone. Then I felt selfish. But surely. Surely I deserved some sort of repayment. Then I remembered what I'd said to River. I didn't deserve anything. Things just happened.

"You are thinner," my dad observed one day at the coffee shop across the road from the hospital. "Didn't they feed you over there?"

"I did heaps of walking, and we were always on the move. I often forgot to eat. Just lost a little weight."

My excuses were always lame. But I wasn't sure what else to do. It was either lying, or the truth. And the truth was so… ludicrous. I memorised a few stories I could retell about my 'France Exchange'. What my host family was like and the things I saw. What the people were like and how beautiful the night was. What snow was like when it first fell. Memories I never had. Memories I imagined.

I had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on, but I didn't mind so much. It felt good to keep my mind busy.

I saw Tom a few times. He gave me strange looks. I wasn't sure what state his memory was in, so I mostly kept away from him.

Johnny, meant nothing to me. And I swore I'd never go near him again.

I still saw fey, and the fey world, but that didn't bother me so much anymore. I always had my necklace with the Celtic pendant so I felt reassured. I didn't mind belonging to River anymore. I kept to myself and ignored them. They didn't notice me. I didn't feel safe, and everyday I saw new and frightening things, but I knew I would be okay.

I guess you could say my life was almost improving. Even if Adam was still sick.

It didn't change anything though. I still wanted River.

Adam had been getting better for a week or so, and I'd been spending heaps of time with him. He was the one person I was grateful for. For remembering me. He often didn't speak, but one day had been different.

"What happened, Giselle?" He sounded strained, like he was in pain.

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Something happened. You've changed. You worry me."

"You should be worrying about yourself," I smiled.

"Why? Everyone else is doing that for me. I'm the only one who seems to have seen you. And you're sick Giselle. I'm scared for you. Mix knows. I asked her about it. There's something wrong. Did something happen in France?"

I tried to swallow, suddenly finding it hard. I shook my head. "Nothing happened it France." It wasn't a lie.

"Giselle?" Adam paused. His eyes dropped. Then opened again. "You didn't go to France. I remember. Something… something else happened. I just… I don't remember." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to recall.

I shook my head. "Stop. I don't…" Adam looked at me. "No. I didn't go to France on exchange. You're right."

"Then why do I remember that? I don't understand. It's like all of these bizarre memories conflict."

"I can't explain. It's complicated."

"Why does everyone think you went to France?"

"I told you, it's complicated. Just… just leave it alone."

He heard my tone. "Fine. But when you get better, I will find out. You're my sister. And I need you. You need it."

Then, I was crying. Adam held my head to his chest. "I love you," he said to me.

"Me too. I love you. You'll always be here. I need you." The words were risky.

I was walking home from school a month or so later, ready to go to the hospital. I usually found a different route to get home. A route that didn't go past the mansion. But today I just wanted to get home. It was windy and cold, and I felt tired.

But the instant I passed the house, there was a whisper in the wind. And I froze, gritting my teeth. The wind whispered again, and I couldn't ignore it.

He's dying, it spoke softly. He's dying.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted at the air. "He can't die."

Time has changed him. It is not health that is killing him.

"I don't understand," I said desperately.

You said so yourself. Perfectly healthy, dying inside. He's dying.

"Dying," I echoed. And now I felt it. Panic.

And it wasn't Adam that was going to die, like Angus had said. It was River. All along. I'd just missed it.

I ran to the house, using the same tree to get over the wall, not caring who saw. I tried the front doors, unable to get in. I fell to my knees, tears falling onto my school uniform.

"Please," I whispered to the day. "Just let me in. Please."

Nothing.

"Onyx. Orion." I turned to the dragons. They didn't move. "Please," I begged. Still, they didn't move. But I heard two stone-on-stone voices whisper in sync, "For our master's Giselle."

And the door swung open. I didn't care what magic had controlled it, except that magic had. I dashed to River's room, hardly stopping at his door. Without knocking I threw the door open. River was lying in bed, blankets up to his neck. He was shaking with cold even though he was sweating. I ran to the bedside, kneeling, watching his bottomless blue eyes.

"River. River. It is me. Giselle."

"I know it is you. I could never forget you."

"What happened?"

"I feel cold."

"Yes, you have a fever." I put the back of my hand to his forehead. River reached out to hold it.

He smiled a delirious smile. "You are more than you could know. So beautiful. Painfully so. You could kill with your beauty, Giselle Belle."

"You can't die, River. You can't. I need you. Please. You can't die." I crawled into bed, under the covers, gripping River's hot body. He'd always been ice to me, now he felt like he was on fire. It scared me. I was terrified.

"I am cold."

"No," I shook my head. "You feel hot."

"I am dying."

"No. No. I will fix this. Just tell me how to fix it."

"I cannot. I do not want to. No." His eyes were unfocused and fluttery.

Then I remembered something. Tears fell from me.

Lilith told me I would spend eternity trying to find love. When my temper, impatient nature and selfishness had disappeared. When I was not so arrogant and conceited. She said I would not be rid of the curse until a woman fell in love with me. Me as who I am. A monster. She told me once that woman declared her love for me – as Jocelyn had done so many times when I took it for granted – I would learn to appreciate it. I would not disregard it. Then…" River had paused. "Once I had done that, I would be free of my curse."

"I lo-"

"Do not say it," River whispered softly, putting a finger to my lips.

"Why not?" I asked, tears staining my cheeks.

"Because I can not kill you. I just can not," River told me. I heard the sobs in my chest as River tried to sooth me.

"That doesn't make any sense," I almost shouted.

"I have to kill you to cure the curse. That's what Angus meant. He meant that you had… fallen for me. And now all I had to do was kill you. Then I would be free. I had fulfilled my half of the bargain. Killing you was the second half. Then I would be free. That is what he meant."

"That doesn't make any sense," I almost shouted again. River grimaced and I sighed. "If she wanted you to learn not be selfish, why make you do such a selfish act to save yourself? Wouldn't she make you do something selfless? You've waited. You don't have a temper any more. You aren't conceited. What more does she want?"

"Revenge," River whispered. "And she knows I can not live without you. She knows I would not kill you. So now, you must live without me instead."

"I don't want to," I murmured. "I want you."

"I am sorry, my love," River whispered, closing his eyes slowly.

"I love you," I said without hesitation. River seemed to take this in for a moment, eyes still closed. Then, his body stiffened against me. His eyes flickered open in an instant. I almost fell back. His eyes were no longer cold and empty. They were human. They were the eyes of my prince.

"Why did you do that?" River hissed.

There was no swooping sound or smoke. In fact, there was nothing to show the arrival of the faery, except that she was there. And she was all that River had described. And she was all I'd dreamt. Porcelain skin and golden hair. She was wearing a dress of red spider silk, which was long and flowing. It seemed to float in the air around her; like she was in water.

"River," Lilith said in a voice like mercury, "you managed to find the girl you've been looking for. I'm sure you remember our agreement." The mocking and cool smugness in her voice made me angry.

"I will not do it," River said, his strength returning. He sat and I fell out of the bed as I saw the colour returning to River's skin. Colour that I'd never seen before. The calluses and rough skin disappeared. The cat's teeth became human, his tongue a normal pink. The scaled ridges smoothed out into normal eyebrows and the veins became unnoticeable. His skin became the dark russet colour of my prince. He became everything I'd dreamt of and more. He was beautiful. He was perfect.

River got up and walked to me, standing in a protective stance in front of me.

"I will not hurt her," he growled.

"No?" Lilith questioned, her eyebrows raised in scepticism. From behind her back she withdraw one of my silver daggers. "A dagger labelled for each love. For each love you killed."

"I will not kill Giselle. I would rather destroy myself."

"Is that so?" Lilith began moving forward, dagger in hand. River's stance tensed. Lilith held the dagger by the blade, holding the hilt to River. "It isn't even the slightest bit tempting?"

"Not at all," River said without fault or hesitation.

"You wouldn't even do it for your Queen?"

"You may be the Queen of the Natsu Court, but you are not my Queen. You never will be." Lilith was the Queen of the Natsu Court. That certainly explained things. Angus, her death faery and the reason as to why he was sent. How much power she had, and why River still had to serve, even is he wasn't part of the court.

"Hmm," Lilith muttered. She dropped the dagger. It fell, struck the floor, but bounced, lying flat. "I've always thought humans were strange. Your commitment is… endearing. Or foolish. Although, I can see the beauty in this one." Lilith moved away. "Now, it's your choice. As you can see, your curse has been removed, but you're too old to survive without my magic. So. You either kill her. Or you die. It's my final offer."

Again, no hesitation. "I die."

Lilith smiled. "Goodbye, Giselle Belle."

The whole room was suddenly caught up in a windstorm. I was thrown around as the wind tried to take me. I felt hands on me. River's hands. They guided me to the bed, where I lay still, safe from the fury.

Then, the wind stopped and there was nothing there. Nothing to suggest anything had even happened.

My brain went into a daze as soon as I realised what I had done. He was gone. I lay in his bed, clutching at the quilting and sheets. It still smelt like him. My body froze up at the thought of losing that memory. Of losing all the memories. I pulled my knees into my chest, holding myself together, gripping at what was now left of me.

When I made it home – after spending way too much time in the mansion – I couldn't get away fast enough. As much as I wanted to keep those memories, I knew they would tear me apart. They made me feel as if my whole body would crack and break like the fragile human I was. When I got to my room, silently so as not to wake anyone, I fell into my bed darkness engulfing me. But I couldn't sleep. Dreaming scared me. Even if it were of my prince, it would be nightmare to me now. A memory of what had destroyed me so consistently and thoroughly. I was Giselle, the ballerina, once more. My love taken by another woman.

I had tried to save his life, but my life was already over. I was nothing more than a ghost. A faint memory. Now, I had to pick up the pieces.