Chapter 12: Discovery Comes After Confusion; Confusion, Discovery
In the still dimness, two other figures lay in sleep around her. There was no fire, but the body protectively curled up beside her kept her warm. Nestled in her hands, already stitched through, was the doll she had picked up the previous night. Rising slowly to her elbows, she carefully turned it over.
It had a funny little face – buttons sewed on for eyes, a slightly off-centre smile, a fat, plushy tummy, floppy arms and legs, and a mop of shocking yellow yarn hair. It even had a little dress. Her heart warmed as she looked at Tasuki, who was still dead to the world. Could he really have made and finished it overnight?
Then Lolita had to stifle a giggle as a thought occurred to her. Carefully rolling away from under their shared blanket, she tiptoed to the horses. The saddles were on the ground beside them, heavy with belongings. She searched through her backpack and triumphantly pulled out the long-forgotten sketchpad. Making her way back to Tasuki, she arranged the doll beside his face, and waited for the sun to rise.
It wasn't much for laughs, but it was the closest thing she could get to a photograph. Not to mention he looked ridiculously adorable sleeping with a doll.
In the inadequate light, she took to flipping through the pages of her sketchpad, and then stopped at the bloodstained page that was supposed to contain Chichiri 's picture. All it had become was a ruined draft and rusty iron blots.
It felt so long ago since then. She traced her fingers on his pencilled outline but her heart no longer skipped a beat like it used to. There was no race of giddy excitement, no threatening tears of melodramatic longing. There was just a calm...like...she had moved on.
He always said she would, though she never believed him. Or never wanted to. In the growing light, she searched for his slumbering figure and only felt the warmth of friendship.
She had moved on.
A hand flew to her mouth to contain the choked sob. She couldn't have moved on; not when a bit of her did not yet feel ready to leave the old comfort of living for him. The sketchbook slid off her lap, stirring her companion awake. She was too preoccupied to notice until he rose and laid a gentle hand on her shaking shoulder.
"Hey."
"Morning," she fought to control the tremor in her voice as she swiped a hand swiped across her eyes. "You're up early."
"Why were ya cryin'?"
"Wasn't," she lied, settling the discarded sketchpad back on her lap. He didn't look like he believed her. Laughing nervously, she gestured at the doll lying face down on the bedroll. "You should have slept on and let me have my fun."
A perfect eyebrow arched as he looked between the fresh page, her pencil, and the doll. "It ain't funny." But he smiled, and instinctively reached to wipe the tear-tracks on her cheeks. Lolita flinched at the touch. Immediately, his hand dropped, and he turned to get up.
She caught his wrist. He paused to look at her. Then the events of last night came crashing upon her, no longer dreams, but terrible realities.
"I'm sorry I got caught last night."
Shaking his head, he sank down before her. "But ya fought, didn't ya?"
She rolled her eyes. "I fell asleep. In the middle of battle. If it weren't for you, I would have gotten myself killed."
He blanched at the thought. "Look, it doesn't matter, a'right? I got there in time, yer fine, the merchant's fine, and those damned rebels won't be doin' any more rebellin' fer a long time."
She thought for a minute. "How did you know to go back?"
"Saw 'em. Heard 'em. Thought ya'd need a little help."
"Seems as if all I'm able to do is need help." Smoothing the blankets, "Speaking of which, you still haven't told me how I could pay you back for all those times, last night, included. Darn, my list of debts is getting longer and longer."
"Ya found the doll and kept it. `At's 'nough."
She perked up. "So you really did make the doll."
Realizing his words, heat rushed to his face. Too late to take them back now. "Uh, yeah." Tasuki fiddled with a loose thread at the hem of the blanket and in a little voice admitted, "It's s'pposed ta be fer you." When some time passed without her replying, he glanced up, uneasy. Lolita had taken the toy up to her face and was rubbing the fuzzy surface on her cheek.
"Wow," she breathed. "Thanks."
"It's nothin'," he replied, fierce blush abating. "Squeeze the belly." Confused, she did so, and found a stiff, slim slab of something. "It's an amulet," he explained. "The landlady had tons of 'em so I asked 'er ta put one in fer ya, ta keep ya safe."
A pleasant shiver trickled down her back at his words, and hotness welled in her chest in time to the quickened hammering. "You already keep me safe, Tasuki. I don't need any amulet."
"Jez fer insurance."
The sky was already bright with the risen sun. Sooner or later, Chichiri, the earliest of the usual early risers, would be up. Quickly, Lolita grabbed Tasuki's hand and leaned forward to peck his cheek. "I still owe you," she whispered before running off, tightly clutching the doll.
They were, all three of them, gathered round the fire when Lolita walked back into camp, towelling her wet hair. Tasuki was piling sticks into the lusty fire, but when she plopped down beside him, he abruptly stood, muttering something about gathering more firewood.
Suspiciously, she watched him go, red-faced. "Is that a personal quirk I've never seen before?" Shaking her head, she turned her attention instead to Chichiri, but made a face when she saw him cleaning fish.
"I'm gonna go take a bath," announced Ami, who had been rummaging around one of the bags.
"I'm...um...gonna accompany you..." Lolita weakly mumbled an excuse as Chichiri curiously studied her cringing expression. "You know...watch out for...um...intruders..." Flashing him a quick smile, she hurried back down a trail into the woods behind Ami.
As soon as the sound of streaming water had taken over the forest sounds and they were out of earshot, Lolita skipped up beside the other girl. "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."
"What? The fish?" Ami laughed, basking in the puddles of sunlight that floated down through the overhanging branches. The descriptions she had heard about Konan heat always sounded so overrated, but travelling during the last few days of summer, she realized that they were, after all, true. Excited feet carried her down the tiny dirt road, eager for a dip into the cool river. Trailing behind her, Lolita continued to mutter.
"...did you see what was inside of those things? I mean, the frogs in Bio were bad enough, but now I know for sure fish are so much more disgusting..."
"Their insides all look the same, Lo!"
"Don't talk about it so flippantly. It's a serious subject."
Ami laughed. The river was visible already, wide and sparkling clear. She took off and in no time was splashing happily, Lolita perched nearby as a sentinel.
"So." Immersed in the water, Ami crossed both arms atop a flat rock and mischievously gazed up at her companion. "How did you like it?"
"How did I like what?"
"The doll," she exhaled exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. "The one Tasuki made for you."
Lolita looked taken aback. "How did you know about the doll?"
"Please. Just because I was an invalid for two weeks doesn't mean I'm also blind!" She grinned. "Did he say anything?"
Lolita's cheeks warmed as she remembered what had happened that morning. But now that she thought about it – really tried to replay it in detail – she saw that, except telling her about the amulet, Tasuki hadn't actually said anything. Nothing that would warrant the impulsive kiss she gave him, anyway.
The blood that rushed to her head stayed there.
"...Anything?" Ami ducked as Lolita's towel came flying into her face, but the moment the waters closed in over her head, a sudden tremor ran throughout her body. Her limbs went numb, rendering her helpless. It might have only been a second or two, because the moment she wanted to cry out for help, her senses came back to life and she burst through the surface, gasping for breath.
"Ami...?" At Lolita's concerned voice, she looked up mid-breath and realized that she was clinging desperately onto the rock like somebody swept downstream would onto a flotsam.
"I'm fine," she quickly replied, disappearing once again under the water to finish her bath. Lolita waited uncertainly until her friend poked her head out of the water, wrapped a towel around herself, and sloshed out.
"What happened?"
"I don't know," she admitted, slipping into her own clothes. "Most probably nothing. I bet everything on its being just stress." Twisting the water out of her hair, Ami nodded at the footpath leading slightly uphill back to camp. "Shall we go?"
Nodding, Lolita followed her lead. But not ten minutes passed before she spoke up, "You're different from what I used to think," which made the other girl stop dead in her tracks and slowly turn around. There was a hint of pain in her eyes as her gaze levelled her friend's.
"What do you mean?"
Lolita looked a little embarrassed to have brought the subject up so suddenly. "I meant...in school." Ami waited tersely for her to continue, and at last Lolita smiled a little. "I used to think...well, I didn't think anything very good back then. You're probably wondering how I can say that when I didn't even recognize you when you dropped into Konan. It might sound pretty strange..."
"You remember me from school?" Ami interrupted.
"Just now, yeah," Lolita admitted, looking abashed. "I'm sorry I didn't before. I was too much of a stuck-up brat to care about other people. But sure, I've passed you at hallways sometimes..."
Ami wasn't sure whether this was supposed to be good or bad. She hated asking; she didn't even want to think about asking, but the internal curiosity was just begging to be indulged.
"And, um, what do you remember?"
"Enough to be able to tell you're not the same person anymore." Talking about it was like having teeth pulled. Lolita couldn't understand why Ami carried on the discussion, as clearly as it was making her uncomfortable to no end. For her part, she was sorry to have ever spoken about it in the first place. Stepping up to her silent friend, she spun her around back to camp. "I shouldn't have mentioned it, and I'm sorry. If you like, we'll just forget about the whole thing."
Ami sighed, but gratefully gave her a thin smile. "I'd like that very much, but forgetting does not make the past go away."
"Listen to you! You're beginning to sound like Chichiri!" Lolita whined, petulantly crossing her arms and earning herself a sopping towel in the face.
The girls giggled their way back to camp, the incident, though fresh, easily pushed into the recesses of recent memories. There was no need to bring that up ever again, as far as they were concerned. However, out of sight in the foliage beside the path, Chichiri waited for them to disappear over the crest, wishing he had not run at the sound of voices and had just interrupted the conversation.
Whatever he had heard, though only half-understood, he wished he never heard at all.
Though it was uncharacteristic of him, Tasuki nevertheless brooded before the fire. They had ridden some miles away from the village and had come upon the first carts of what was sure to be a whole band of merchants. The tiny trail, widening somewhat, finally began to lead northward. In a few days' time, they would reach the ocean – unfortunately – and then take another turn into the wilderness towards Taikyouku.
Where he had put her to bed, exhausted from travel, close to the fire and near him, Lolita stirred. After having it pointed out several times, he had finally thought about it and realized that her sleeping habits were growing stranger and stranger. What he had once before dismissed simply as "weird girl things" were making him worry some. Never before, not even during their trip to Eiyou from Mt. Reikaku, had he seen her so worn out.
As he watched, her eyelids fluttered open to blink right into the inky sky. "Did I sleep...again?"
"Yep."
Sitting up, she ran a hand through her hair. "Where are Chichiri and Ami?"
He smirked. The monk was standing by one of the carriages in a group, looking very much like a mother hen. "Ami wanted ta get a readin' from one 'a 'em fortune-tellin' gypsies, so' Chiri went ta make sure she ain't bein' told anythin' too bad."
It was meant to be mildly funny, but Lolita only rubbed at her sleepy eyes. "Did you want to go, too?" she asked, making him laugh awkwardly.
"`A don't need anythin' told me!"
"Well, you were being awfully quiet," she remarked, throwing a sidelong glance at him. "I have been awake for a while, you know, waiting to see if you'd say anything, or stand up and complain about being bored. But I never heard a peep."
"Ya were watchin' me?" he repeated, feeling rather strange about it.
"Not in the physiological sense, no, because I had to pretend to be asleep and everything..." catching his expression, she started over. "Sort of."
"Why were ya' doin' that?"
It seemed like the right thing to do? She shrugged the thought off, even as the old rush of pleasure surged in her veins. Why, indeed, was she watching him? Because he looked so romantic in the firelight? Because it suddenly hit her that he was an interesting person to observe?
No, no. Those were all the wrong answers.
Risking a peek, she saw that he was still waiting, gaze so intense she felt she should say something deep and poetic.
"Um...I don't know."
That was far from poetic. In her defence, it was the first thing that came to mind. And no one could contest that lame though it was, it was a pretty neutral excuse.
They were beginning to fall into a wondering silence when he snickered. "`A was quiet 'cause `a was thinkin'."
But he never was one for philosophising... "What were you thinking of?"
Her heart leapt as his amber orbs flicked towards her and settled on her face. She felt as if she knew the answer, written all over his uncertain face. He looked like he would spit it out one minute, but in the next, he took a deep breath, composed himself, and said,
"Nothin' much."
Neutral too. It just occurred to her that two could play that game. Darn.
"So...uh..."
Did he change his mind and finally decide to say it...whatever "it" was?
"...why are you up all of a sudden?"
"I...had a dream..." Her voice was quiet when she said it because she wasn't sure whether or not she wanted him to know. But in the end, the desire for a confidante outweighed any other objection and she continued, "...about my home."
He stiffened. Obviously, he had already considered Konan her home. And Lolita thought she could think of it that way, too, until the mysterious bouts of sleep grew longer and longer and with them brought dreams of the life she had wished to leave behind.
"I dreamt about the first time I learned to play bits of this song my mom loved." Her hands clenched together. "She was so so happy about it – more than I ever thought she would be – and all I wanted then was to make her proud. I swore to do anything to see her that happy again."
His gut feeling told him to rail against her storytelling. It made her homesick, and at their present situation – him forever tottering on the edge of confession while she remained completely clueless – he knew it was the last thing they needed. And yet he did not have the heart to be selfish.
"So yer still goin' home?"
It was her turn then to look unsure. They locked eyes, and it seemed to him that she was searching for the right answer in them. The right answer was always important to her. Never mind if it was not applicable; if it was right, it was enough. He waited with baited breath.
"Do you want me to go?"
Throwing the question back at him was cruel; that much she gathered. But the roiling of her insides made it hard to consider her next words. Whatever she said would bring about a change in his countenance, though she wasn't sure which answer would bring about the change she wanted to see. Heck, she wasn't even sure she knew exactly what she wanted to see.
Then, in a voice so husky she wanted to melt in it, he replied, "No; I would never want ya ta go."
Shoulders slumping, she dropped her head, hiding in the shadows as a stifled cry of relief fought its way out of her throat. His answer, said so sincerely, echoed in her ears like a welcome whisper that banished all previous uncertainty.
"Then I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you."
Her body moved of its own accord and she threw herself across the scattered blankets into his arms. When he crushed her to himself, they fit perfectly, as if they had been made for that exact moment. Never mind that she had to turn her back on childhood memories just when they were beginning to go back to their pure, pleasant state. There were more important things at hand.
Such as, for instance, understanding why she was finally able to let go of that old infatuation.
A/N: Huaaaa! I didn't expect things to get here so soon, but apparently, that's what you get when you work with the seishi of speed. I hope it didn't feel rushed, as I repeat, I am new at this romance thing and therefore need you guidance, patient readers. Writing the last scene was a struggle, but at last, it came through (after numerous deletions) and we can finally get to the next chapter. I'm excited about writing it, but I still have to clean up the scenes in my head, so yeah. Expect the next chapter to be kind of cute (if I do say so myself).
Oh, and I still have a few dirty secrets up my sleeves, so stay tuned for that. Don't forget to review!
...One more thing: thank you to those who subscribed to this story and/or added it to their favourites list. It's great to know people care about it. And a shout-out to InkedButterfly for being such a faithful reviewer. Honestly, your reviews keep me going when sometimes I wonder whether this piece still makes sense. Lol. Thank you all, once again!