Chapter 18: Acceptance Dulls Anger
She drew back with a startled gasp. Tasuki blinked at her, hurt and confused. Hurriedly, Lolita threw her arms around his waist. Her words were muffled, face buried in his back, but he could clearly make out every single word.
"No; I can't."
~010101~
While Aidou's parents stayed with her new in-laws and her sisters went their separate ways back to their own homes, Chichiri and Ami found themselves making polite excuses to go back to the Kou residence.
"I'm sure Tasuki and Lolita will be fine by themselves," the bride smirked, remembering her brother's earlier stubborn decision to stay and watch over his girl.
"That's what we're afraid of," Ami mumbled.
Mrs. Kou laughed. "I never took you for the prudish type, dear; nothing said about Chichiri-san, though." The said Chichiri-san blushed a faint red. "But all right. You two go on back. Shun'u should still be up to let you in."
Bowing and saying their good-byes, the pair offered a last congratulatory wish to Aidou and her new husband before setting off down the empty, moonlit road.
It was well past midnight, and once they were fairly out of sight, Ami and Chichiri automatically drifted further apart. Chichiri was trying to look alert, whereas Ami didn't even bother trying and just stared at the ground. They walked in awkward silence, each wishing to be alone, until they got to the bridge that marked the last block to the Kous' place.
Chichiri spoke up. "If you don't mind, Ami-san, maybe you could go on by yourself from here?" Beside him, Ami halted. They were at the crest of the small bridge. She scrutinized him for a moment, but it was impossible to make out his expression in the dark. Reluctantly, she began the trek down.
"Be careful on your way back, then."
I should be the one saying that, Chichiri thought tightly, but offered only a curt nod. He was beginning to turn towards the water when he noticed that she hadn't gone beyond a step or two away from him. In fact, she was watching him intently, looking like she was weighing the pros and cons of a really heavy decision.
"Um...before I go..."
He spared her a lazy glance, something that, used on Lolita, would have made the girl tear up and chicken out. But not Ami. She stood her ground, meeting his uninterested glance with a cool stare of her own. Her hands clenched into fists at her side, Chichiri knew she was just about as uncomfortable as he was. Yet when she spoke, her voice grew bolder with every word.
"There's been something I've been meaning to tell you, Chichiri."
He feigned indifference. "Is it anything important?"
A shrug. "Pretty much, yeah." Looking him straight in the eyes, Ami took a deep breath. Her next words were nothing he expected. "I don't care what you think. Your refusal to accept me isn't worth beating myself up over." Swallowing the tremor in her voice, she offered him a short bow and flounced away.
Chichiri stood rigid, watching her go. His pride stung at her words, though deep down he knew he deserved every last bit of it. When he whirled back towards the river, his knuckles were white from his tight grip on the railings. But had no right to be angry; not after the injustice he had dealt her. He had been, in Tasuki's words, a complete and utter ass.
~010101~
"We both know I'm not going to hold out much longer." The orange glow still danced upon them. His body was tense; hers pressed to his. He did not speak; her voice was barely above a whisper. "When I go, you need to be able to move forward. Marrying you...will not help anything towards that."
He held his breath.
"Please know that I love you. That I will love only you. And even when I'm no longer by your side, I want you to still be able to smile. I want you to keep being happy."
"That ain't fair," he growled, planting his hands over the ones clasped atop his torso. "How can ya ask me ta be happy when yer dead?" the last word came out with a great deal of distaste. "Easy fer ya ta do, maybe, coz then you'll be up where nothin' ever goes wrong. But I'll be stuck here in this hellhole! How can ya ask me ta keep bein' happy!" Almost violently, he tore her arms away and whirled around to crush her to himself. No more could he contain the hot tears that spilled down his cheeks. "Ya never think, Lo."
His embrace hurt, but she stayed in it. Tasuki's body trembled under her hands. Seeing him so scared made her scared, too, but she couldn't let him know. He had too much to bear. "Pray for me when I'm gone, okay? Ask Suzaku to stick us together in the next life. And maybe bury me with the doll. Mm...that'd be nice."
"Don't talk about things like that. It's bad luck."
She tried to laugh, but the sound couldn't get past the lump in her throat. Her eyes burned with tears. Lolita blinked fast. She couldn't cry. Not now; not in front of him. "Think of it as my last will. You won't be able to read what I'd write down, and I imagine it'd be pretty embarrassing to have Ami read some of the stuff I'd put in the document."
"Shut up."
"No. I want you to remember the things I'm going to tell you. You're going to be my executor."
"Hell no."
The laugh finally came, choking out with a few stray tears. "It's not what you're thinking. The executor's the person who does the stuff written in the will. So remember my words to the letter." She paused to hear his assent, but none came. "Anyway. It starts like this: I, the undersigned, on this – what's the date?"
"Twenty-first day 'a th' tenth month 'a th' fourth year 'a th' regency of 'Er Majesty th' Dowager Empress Houki."
"Right. That. – Hereby swear that the foregoing are, in full and absolutely true, the contents of my last will and testament, formulated without threat, force, violence, torture, intimidation, or other means that vitiate my free will. Be it so executed by Tasuki."
Sinking into her ridiculous rendition of a last will's introduction, her bandit lover began to relax a little, pulling her onto his lap as she spoke. More and more, it began to sound to him like a rehearsal for a silly little play they were going to be putting on, or a lengthy monologue taken straight out of a daydream. He cradled her, rocking slowly, relishing the feeling of her long locks brushing against his arm.
"To Tasuki, alias Genrou, alias Shun'u alias Shun-chan alias –"
"We get it."
"To Tasuki," she repeated, "I bequeath all my earthly belongings. I want him to have the charcoal pencil I love so much, as well as the purple cutter with stars so he can sharpen it. He'll also own my iPod video, as long as he doesn't go around moping while listening to my confession song over and over when he figures out how to use it." Drawing a shaky breath, she swallowed back a sob and continued, "He can have my backpack, too, and the sketchbook. I don't care what happens to all the other drawings, but there's one I made of you. Please take very good care of it. I put a lot of love into that piece, corny as it may sound.
"To Chichiri and Ami, I apologize for having nothing more to give, but I don't really have anything that's of too much value. Please make up, the both of you. I'd like to see you two on good terms again, even if it has to be on my deathbed."
"That's a vulgar word," Tasuki muttered.
"You swear a lot," she countered in the same low tones. "That's more vulgar. Anyway. Do what you will with my clothes. Just don't go around smelling them all the time. It's weird. Bury me where it's convenient. It's not very polite to make you all drag a dead body around."
He tightened his hold on her.
"And like I said, bury me with the doll. It's the only thing I refuse to give you."
"I'll always think of ya," he promised, his voice husky. "Always."
"But not too much. Just enough for me to be able to have something to brag to the other ghosts about." Shifting slightly, she nuzzled the side of his neck and took a deep breath, willing herself to never forget this scent.
"I hope ya won't die," came the murmur at her ear. "Lo, if ya live..."
"If I live I'll grow very embarrassed over tonight. You'll probably laugh at me, but yeah, I wouldn't mind."
"Is this the end 'a yer will?"
"Oh. I've got to sign it: Love, Lolita."
"I'm not sure yer s'posed ta sign important papers like that."
"Never mind." She sighed. "Tasuki?"
"Hm?"
"What made you ask to marry me now of all times?"
"Aidou-nee. She made me realize what a heel I'd be if I let ya go without makin' things b'tween us clear."
"I'm glad we came to see your family."
"So am I."
The oil burned out. The lamplight flickered, dimmed, and finally extinguished, leaving the lovers in momentary darkness. From out the window, Tasuki could see the first rays of white sunlight creeping out from the distant mountains. He stilled. Lolita had fallen asleep. Shifting her onto the bed, he slipped under the blankets beside her and gathered her to himself. A drowsy arm snaked around his waist in response.
Just a couple of hours. And then he'd be more willing to get up and help around the house.
~010101~
It was noon before Chichiri got back. He hadn't seen Ami since she left him at the bridge that morning, and quite frankly, he wasn't ready to meet her again. Walking through the open gates of the Kou place, he knocked at the front door. There was no answer, but Tasuki came out from around the corner of the house, wiping sweat off his brow.
"Okaeri. "
"Tadaima," Chichiri replied. He noticed the ax in his hand. "Finally earning your keep, are you, no da?"
Making a face, Tasuki swung the blade over his shoulder. "Go on in. Yer th' last one back. Ami's made lunch, but she ran off sayin' she had chores ta do."
"Lolita-chan, no da?"
"Still asleep when I left 'er." He waved a hand, disappearing back to where he came from.
Chichiri entered the silent house. Without its usual riot of inhabitants, it felt too large and too empty. Everything was spic-and-span, though covered by that layer of inexistent dust that coated all preparations after the anticipated event was done. All the red cloth suddenly seemed faded and droopy. The groom's gifts, not yet stored away, felt stale. But there was a breath of relief in the place – the relief of life finally being able to return to normal.
He decided to check on Lolita first. The guest room was empty, so he headed for the other logical place – Tasuki's room. That was empty, too.
Chichiri began to worry a little. Maybe she'd left without telling anybody?
"Lolita-chan?" he called, loudly enough to be heard only within the house. No sense throwing Tasuki into impulsive panic mode.
His voice bounced off the walls, unanswered.
He walked faster, peeking into every room, checking every last corner. Very quickly, he ran out of rooms to look into. The last place he hadn't gone to yet was the kitchen. Weaving through the cluttered dining hall, he peered into the adjoining kitchen, and breathed a sigh of relief. There she was, head on her arms, asleep on the kitchen counter.
"Lolita-chan," he crossed the room to gently shake her. "Wake up. Lunch time, no da."
A soft moan and she stirred. Slowly, Lolita lifted her head, unfocused eyes trying to make out the face of this man who interrupted her sleep. "Tasuki...?"
"It's me, no da. Chichiri."
"Oh. You're...home." She slid back her chair, but her legs gave as soon as she tried to stand. When Chichiri caught her his expression turned into one of alarm.
"You're burning up, no da!" He sat her down again and began yanking cabinets open and closed in search of a washcloth.
"Must have caught a bug or something," she groaned, listlessly watching his progress. "It'll be gone in a day or two."
But he wasn't so sure. "Do you have a headache, no da?"
"No...I'm just tired. Maybe I need to catch up on all that lost sleep."
"That's a good idea." At last finding what he wanted, Chichiri dipped it in cool water, wrung it out, and laid it over her forehead.
"Thanks. That feels good."
He helped her stand and together, they made their way to the guestrooms. Chichiri tucked her in and had just sat down beside her with a basin of water when she said, "So how'd it go?"
"How did what go, no da?" He rinsed out the warm washcloth.
"Well, Ami looked better than she had in days when she came in this morning. I'm presuming you guys kissed and made up?"
"Can we talk about something else, no da?"
"Oh, Chichiri. I'm sick. Indulge me." She grinned.
He couldn't help grinning back. Yet he shook his head. "I'm afraid my answer won't please you very much. Ami-san and I...didn't talk. Not really, no da."
"Quit calling her Ami-san , please? She used to be Ami-chan to you."
Chichiri stared at his hands for a very long time, turning them over and over. "She...she told me my opinion of her didn't matter."
"In those exact words?"
His smirk was a wry one. "More or less."
Unexpectedly, Lolita laughed. The sound was weak, but given her state, Chichiri was gratified to hear it nonetheless. "She pulled one on you, didn't she?"
"Is this the part where I get to say I'm the biggest loser, no da?"
"Nah," shifting so she could look at him better, Lolita poked a hand from under the blankets and grasped the fingers clenched on his knee. "It won't make you feel any better. Why not work at turning things around one-eighty degrees instead?"
Turning his palm up, he squeezed back. "Why are you so intent on Ami...chan and I fixing things between us?" He had meant for it to be nothing more than a thought, but it slipped out of his mouth before he could catch his words.
"Bucket list," she replied simply, rolling over onto her back again.
"What's that, no da?"
"Nothing important." Lolita smiled at the ceiling. "Just some stuff I want to get done." Then she closed her eyes, letting her hand grow slack in Chichiri's grasp. "So help me, okay? And...thanks in advance."
~010101~
That night, Tasuki created a ruckus around the house. Lolita wasn't sure why, but it had to be something major for Chichiri to be walking around like an old man, Ami to be hoarse, and Tasuki's own father to actually raise his voice. All of it, though carefully kept away from the sickroom, filtered in anyway. Lolita kept herself up and amused waiting to hear what would happen next. So far, nobody had dropped into her room since she woke up that afternoon, and she was curious as to what the riot was all about.
By nightfall, the mêlée had toned down somewhat. The door to the guest room finally creaked open.
"Tasuki?" She righted herself, smoothing down tousled locks. He hadn't been to see her all day.
"No, dear," came the uncharacteristically soft reply of his mother. Mrs. Kou backed into the room, setting down a tray of steaming porridge onto the bedside table.
"Thank you."
The older woman smiled. "You should eat. Shun-chan made this for you."
Her eyes widened. "H-he did? But I thought Tasuki said he couldn't...cook."
"No, he can't," the bandit seishi's mother laughed, taking the empty chair at her bedside. "But he insisted on making you something. Nearly blew up the kitchen doing so," she shook her head, not attempting to hide the smile. "Such a sweet boy."
"He is," Lolita agreed with a sigh. Now if only that sweet boy would overcome his shyness and come in to see her. "Did he burn himself?"
Mrs. Kou shrugged. "But you're beginning to think like a wife."
She looked so hopeful Lolita couldn't bear to continue this silent lying. "Tasuki and I aren't really – "
"Engaged, I know." She looked down at her hands for a moment before lifting her eyes to meet Lolita's. "But...tell me one thing: has he asked you to marry him?"
She swallowed. Should she keep pretending, or tell his mother the painful truth? Lolita opened her mouth to answer, found herself shutting it again, and nodded. "I turned him down."
"How did he take it?" Mrs. Kou didn't look at her now, her gaze wandering to the neighbour's wall visible outside the guest room window.
"I don't know," she admitted. "It ended...differently. And then we just didn't talk about it afterwards."
The older woman didn't say anything for a long time, but when she looked at Lolita again, there was a silent plea in her expression. "My...my son...loves you. He swore never to love a woman, but he...fell in love...with you. I'm not so naive to believe that loves like yours are meant to go smoothly. You both...belong in two different worlds, Lolita-chan. Two very different worlds. And Shun'u..."
"Will have to learn to move on," she finished quietly. "As much as I love him I know that I cannot stay. That's why I couldn't let him...marry me. I can't tie him down." Forcing on a brave smile she continued, "Whatever we had between us has ended. We're over...Tasuki and I." Lolita tried not to cry, but saying those words brought reality down on her, and heavily. She sobbed, face buried in her hands. From today onwards, Tasuki was no longer hers, per se, nor was she, his.
Surprisingly, her older companion reached over to rub soothing circles on her back. "No dear," she murmured softly as Lolita cried harder, "it isn't over. It doesn't look like it's over to me, so it most certainly shouldn't be to the two of you."
"Mrs. Kou..."
She shook her head. "Don't give me that. Now, what do you call your mother?"
"M...mom..."
"Not too bad sounding." She smiled as Lolita lifted her tear-stained face. "From now on, you'll call me that, too. And you'll call Shun-chan's father...what do you call your father?"
"Dad."
"Dad it is, then. Mom and Dad."
"But isn't it presumptuous to call you both Mom and Dad when Tasuki and I aren't even married?"
Mrs. Kou laughed. "I don't need a wedding to tell me when I've gotten myself another daughter."
Tentatively, Lolita smiled back. But it was hard to not be sincere about the gesture. In time, she found herself grinning through quickly drying tears, and meaning it. "Thanks...Mom."
~010101~
She didn't get better, and it looked like she was never going to. Tasuki had moved Lolita into his room, holding her as she slept through nights of fever-ravaged rest. In the morning, he went about his chores listlessly, hurrying through them so he could get back to his place beside her. She was usually awake and better in the mornings. They would talk then. But as days crawled by, she slept more and more. Tasuki barely left her side. He brought in a doctor to see her, but even the old man couldn't tell what was wrong with her.
Only Chichiri knew.
He stayed with her during those rare periods when Tasuki was away. He'd sit in his fellow seishi's chair, take her hand, and lose a little bit of hope every time. Every time he touched her, he'd feel the way her chi wound down to a sleepy weakness. Bits of her died everyday – bits no amount of his specialized chi could replace. Many times he'd been on the verge of telling Tasuki, but at each attempt, he'd remember that one time she squeezed his hand back ever-so-softly, thanking him for letting her stay just a little bit longer, for giving her another day in Konan, another day with Tasuki. And then he wouldn't be able to make himself say the words he should have.
But even the strongest resolve crumbles, and Chichiri's did on the day Tasuki stalked into town to vent out frustrations. He had been watching over her and trying to soothe the heat of her fever when, suddenly, her chest stopped its erratic rise-and-fall. Chichiri grasped her wrist, but the pulse that should have been there was still. Shooting out of his chair, he bent over the bed, ready to transfuse some of his ki to bring her back around. Then just as he was reaching for her, Lolita gave a little gasp. Her pulse stammered, thumping back to life as suddenly as it had winked out of it.
The seishi leaned back, waiting for her to open her eyes. The most Lolita managed was a moan. Then her fingers twitched as if seeing whether her body still worked after its brief tête-à-tête with death. Head lolling to the side, she fell back into deep sleep, one that even Chichiri wasn't sure she would still wake up from.
That very night, he sat out his vigil. Tasuki came back late. When crept into his room, he found Chichiri on the bedside chair, eyes closed and Lolita's hand held loosely in his. The bandit seishi shut the door, the click of it against the frame bringing Chichiri around.
The monk turned to him. Gently placing Lolita's limp hand back on the bed, he stood, his maskless face drawn, his stance hard. Tasuki began to fear that he had come too late, but that was not what Chichiri wanted to say.
"Tasuki," the older of the two began, "we leave for Taikyouku tonight. Lolita-chan needs to return to her world."
The other jerked involuntarily. "We can't send 'er back in that state!"
"She'll be well once she gets home."
"She's sick 'ere so 'a course she'll be sick there! What th' hell're ya tryin' ta get at? That bein' 'ere's makin' 'er sick?"
"Yes," replied Chichiri quietly. Tasuki staggered. Holding the bandit's eyes steadily the former continued, "Why do you think she needs so much sleep? Because she needs to replenish all the chi she's lost – the chi that our world has been taking from her. She's sick now because she's lost far too much energy than her body can take, and she's just going to get worse."
"Then why...you could have said..."
His fingers tightened around his mask, almost crushing it. Chichiri dropped his eyes "She didn't want to go. Didn't want to leave you alone. Still...I should have said something. What I did was dumb..."
"Nothin' we can do about it, now," Tasuki answered with surprising calm, though his hand clenched when he looked at Lolita's quietly sleeping figure. A sheen of cold sweat still dotted her forehead, but at least her rest was undisturbed. He knew Chichiri had been giving her periodic bursts of his own chi. Crossing the room, he stared down at her, and then brushed a tentative hand over her damp bangs.
"When do we leave?"
"Tomorrow morning. But we can leave tonight if you want to."
Tasuki sat at the bed, his back to Chichiri. "T'night." He took a shaky breath. "We go t'night."
With a short nod, the other left the room to collect Ami. She was easy to wake. Briefly explaining where they were going and why, they trudged back to Tasuki's room. That was when Chichiri remembered Lolita asking him to make the first move with Ami. Casting a sideways glance at the girl beside him,he opened his mouth. "Anou..."
She met his look with a tight smile. "You said this was an emergency, right? So focus. Whatever you're going to say, if it's not about the situation at hand, will have to wait. Okay?"
He could only nod.
Tasuki was ready when the others came in. A short note to his parents lay on the table, and he had Lolita bundled in a blanket, in his arms. Spreading his kesa on the floor, Chichiri beckoned for them all to stand together on it. The sound of his murmured spell filled the air. The bit of cloth glowed red; his friends began sinking through it. At the very last moment he, too, stood at the portal, watching Tasuki's bedroom disappear around them as the red light began to fade and finally vanish with the four of them.
~010101~
A/N: A few more surprises have yet to be uncovered, but we're only a few chapters away from the finish! Thank you for a wonderful 2010, especially those who've added this story to their alerts/favourites list, to those who've taken the time to tell me what they've thought of this piece, and to all the other readers I have yet to have the pleasure of knowing. Happy new year! :)