Spring, when the birds sing, trees blossom and a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love, although that sort of thing happens in quite a different (and considerably more attractively decorated) sort of bar.
It is also a time for hedgehogs, dormice and politicians to wake up after a winter spent hibernating; especially it is a time for ants. Most places get the odd crop of ants every year or so, here the ants are odder than normal, but this IS a pub outside continuity so really what did you expect? It's humour (honest!), but viewed from the wrong end of the telescope!
The bar was silent; everyone was staring down at the black letters on the countertop,
"Take us to your leader".
Finally Professor Popkiss spoke,
"I wonder which leader they mean," he said, his brow wrinkling. The letters shifted as the mass of ants moved,
"Any leader" they now spelt out.
"Cor Blimy" exclaimed Parker, "They 'erd us"
The mass changed again, "Of course we did big nose". At the back of the crowd someone chuckled, Parker glared round, but failed to spot who it was.
"I hate ants," said someone else, the ants replied to this with an impressive range of words, of the sort not commonly found in a dictionary...
Well not a polite dictionary anyway.
"I don't think they're too keen on you either!" remarked Troy, then, turning he asked "have we tried ant spray?" everyone looked down as a rustling sound came from the bar top, Brains who was peering at the ants through a magnifying glass straitened up and said,
"They're – er- laughing," he flicked away an ant which had strayed onto his glasses, and continued, "W-w-what we have here is a-a-an infestation of -er- super intelligent, highly organised (here the ant which he had flicked away now ran up his trouser leg and bit him on the shin) YEOW, er, er- vicious ants" He rubbed his leg painfully.
"I concur" said Popkiss, "and in answer to your question Troy, yes we tried ant spray, and no it did not work! They appear to be virtually indestructible" When he had said this every head in the room turned to nail Captain Black with a hard look.
"What?"
Arms were folded, eyebrows were raised, and feet were tapped. The mysteron agent's face took on a sulky look,
"It wasn't us! At least I don't think so, let me check" he fished in a pocket and pulled out a gun, a grenade, which he passed to Scarlet, and a notebook which he started flicking through.
Scarlet pulled the pin on the grenade, fortunately Colonel White saw him,
"If you HAVE to blow yourself up do it outside" He ordered.
As Scarlet wandered out of the helpfully opened door the eyes of every other Spectrum captain turned to watch him, ten seconds later there was an explosion and another crater was blasted in the car park. Watches were consulted,
"I make it twenty minutes." said Captain Magenta.
"I don't get it!" exclaimed Jeff, "I thought he was your best agent", sniggers came from every corner of the room and even the ants spelt out the words "tee hee hee"
Colonel White grinned, "No, I send him out on missions because he's so humorously inept! Sitting behind a desk all day is such a dull job, plus there's the office sweepstake."
"Sweepstake?"
"Yeah, we each pick a time that we think he will blow himself up at and the closest to the actual time wins."
"That would be me this time" piped up Lt Green, "I got half an hour"
"AAAH" said Jeff "I see"
Captain Black put away the notebook, "No ants" he said "aardvarks and a few antelopes, but no ants, no insects at all in fact!"
"Aardvarks?" queried Colonel White sceptically,
"Yep"
"Oh"
Attention was turned back to the ants, Jeff cleared his throat,
"So what do you guys want?"
"Mwahahahaha" wrote the ants, then "we want a shrubbery"
"Monty Python ants!" exclaimed Captain Black "We're in HUGE trouble now"
"Okay" said Jeff calmly "What do we have to do to get you to go away?"
"We want Monty Python" said the words, "As much as we can carry"
"Oh dear" said Popkiss "since an ant can carry several times its own bodyweight we could be in trouble now!"
"We are the ants who say 'nee'"
"Oh dear!"