Letter 486
Dear Julia,
I'm so sorry, Jules. I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling right now. I feel like shit, I feel like dirt, worse than that. As you would say, I feel like an asses' ass. I...I don't know how or why it happened but I love Clare. And I can't. I don't deserve to love anyone, I'm not allowed. She could do so much better, but I want her. No. I need her. Because every time I'm with her, it hurts a little less. Missing you goes away, the pain of knowing you're gone disappears for a brief moment. And I need that, Jules. But...I can't use her. Even though that's not the only reason I love her. Dammit. I'm disgusting, Jules. Pathetic. I need to be put in some mental institute.
It's just...She reminds me so much of you, even though you're two completely different people. You were always dark and brooding, while Clare's always upbeat and peppy. Not entirely anyways. She's called a saint, you know. Because she truly is, but deep down, she's got as many issues as you and I. Maybe not as serious, but there are imperfections. She thinks she's fat, and ugly. Which, every normal girl does, when in fact, they're the perfect size and beautiful. She's not at all sweet when you piss her off or annoy her. She's got the Wrath of God when you get on her bad side. And she's so mart; she matches my snarky comments with as much fervor as you used to.
Maybe that's why I love her so much; because she's you in some way. Or I'm just going insane - which is pretty logical if I do say so myself. You wanna know how I found out I love Clare? It was building overtime, even though I denied it. I don't deserve to love another; and I certainly don't deserve to be loved back. But... remember that project we got assigned? The reenactment? Well...we kissed. And, even though the moment only last a few seconds, I felt literal sparks zap through my body. And this warm feeling pooled in my chest. Right where my heart is suppose to be - though since you died, it's just been a big hole. An empty, but overbearingly heavy spot in my chest. And it felt so right to kiss her, and I wanted to kiss her again after that.
Dear God, Jules! I'm so sorry. I don't deserve her, at all. I can't be happy. I won't be happy. I can't be. For your sake, for mine, for Clare's. That's why I'm going to distance myself, no matter how much it hurts me. Or Clare. Because in the long run...it's for the best. Right?
Forever Yours,
Elijah Goldsworthy
P.S. I love you.