Chapter 5
"You spend your days alone still hoping for the truth oh, but all you hear are lies
But no one else is going to tell you what to do now, no one else is going to help you hold the line.
Sometimes it's hard to keep on living, but you're the one who's got to know just when it's right.
You say 'keep my head from going down', just for a little just for a little
Watch my feet float off the ground, just for a little just for a little
A little love if you can hear this sound, oh just give me something, something to believe in.
Something to Believe In by Parachute
Sabrina had been in Highever for almost two months helping Fergus go through the debris. The Highever Fall Festival would begin tonight with a huge bonfire in the village and then tomorrow she and Tristen would leave for Vigil's Keep. She sat in front of a pile of belongings sifting through what should be saved and what should be tossed out, when she saw the glint of a pommel. "Oooo, I forgot all about this."
Both Fergus and Tristen looked up from their piles just as she pulled the short sword out from the jumble of items. She swung it back and forth a few times testing its balance and a grin spread across her face as she turned to Fergus, "It's still in good shape. Do you remember why this sword is so important to me brother?"
Fergus grunted, "Of course I do. With your constant boasting how could I forget?"
Tristen looked back and forth between the two of them. "Why is it important?"
"Well, I was twelve when I decided that I wanted to switch from a sword and shield to dual weapons. For my thirteenth birthday, my dad gave me a sword and a matching dagger."
"Aaah, so it has sentimental value," Tristen stated.
"Oh it does, but not what you're thinking, and the sword he gave her for her birthday isn't the one she's holding," Fergus piped in.
"No, the sword he gave me for my birthday was plainer than this one. Anyway, growing up I always looked up to Fergus who was four years older than me, and who for as long as I could remember kicked my arse in the sparring ring every time. So for a year I relentlessly worked on my dual weapon and rogue techniques. About a week before the fall harvest festival was to begin I challenged Fergus to duel in the sparring ring, and just like a big brother, he naturally made fun of me and told me to come see him when I actually had hair on my chest."
"I didn't say that," Fergus retorted.
"Yes you did! Then you corrected yourself and said, 'oh, well in your case, when you have actually grown boobs'."
Tristen stifled a laugh and Fergus grinned at him, "Well, she really was flat chested for the longest time."
"Thank the Maker that changed," Tristen said as he winked at her.
"Anyway, I was so mad at him for not taking me seriously that I waited until the fall festival had begun and in front of all of his friends, at least half a dozen wannabe noble girlfriends and our parents, I threw down my gauntlet at his feet and challenged him to a duel."
"Get out," Tristen exclaimed.
"Much to the horror of our mother and the pride of our father," Fergus said.
"So our father arranged the duel for the following day and every lord, lady and landowner in Highever turned out. We used blunted weapons and the rules stated by my father were that a head or solid body shot was considered a killing blow and if the opponent was unable to stand, the winner would be declared. Our match seemed to go on for an eternity and near the end my muscles were screaming, but I refused to allow him to defeat me. My quick agile moves finally wore him down and I was able roll past, come up behind him and deliver a killing blow to the back of the head," Sabrina said with pride.
Fergus smiled warmly at her, "I learned two valuable lessons that day. Never underestimate your opponent, no matter their size and never misjudge their determination, because if their resolve is greater than your skill there is a good chance you're going to lose."
Sabrina winked at her brother. "My father was proud of my determination for not taking 'no' for an answer, for believing in myself and for my resilience in the ring. So he had this sword and a matching dagger commissioned for me." She lovingly ran her hand over its blade and then quickly wiped a tear from her cheek. "I rarely ever used it because it meant so much to me, so I didn't have it with me the night of the attack."
Fergus squeezed her shoulder. "I'm glad you found it, Bean. We can have it cleaned and sharpened so that it's brought back to its original beauty and I will keep an eye for the matching dagger."
Sabrina squeezed her brother's hand. "Thank you, Fergus."
He was about to reply when Sabrina's hand maid came running in. "My Lady, I have been looking everywhere for you. It's time to get ready for the festival tonight."
Sabrina's brow furrowed, "Get ready? The festival isn't for a few more hours yet!"
"Yes, but I am sure Lady Cousland would like to take a bath so she don't smell like week old rubbish," Lena retorted.
Sabrina's eyes widened and Fergus burst out laughing. "Lena, you're the only one that can talk to her like that and get away with it."
"Get away with it! I was wipin' this girl's bottom on the day she was born and I've been taking care of her as I could, ever since. Her mother may 'ave brought her into this world, but if she don't get 'er behind upstairs this instant, I will be the one to take 'er out," Lena replied dryly.
"You're getting mean in your old age. I think Nan rubbed off on you," Sabrina huffed as she started out the door.
"Who are you calling old?" Lena replied as she marched out behind her.
xxXxx
Tristen stood by the main castle gate waiting for Sabrina so he could walk her to the village. These past two months with her here at Highever had been wonderful. He noticed that she drew her strength from Highever and from Fergus. He had watched a rebirth in her. The defeated, agonized look that seemed to have haunted her eyes since he met her in Denerim was gone and once again they sparkled with life and joy. He didn't think he could have loved her more, but watching the revival that took place in her spirit, had him falling in love with her all over again.
After that day on the cliffs she had been considerate, even a little overly so, of his weak manly desires and much to his dismay she had barely touched him. His body was being to ache with want and need for her, and he could tell the lack of physical satisfaction was beginning to weigh on her as well.
Despite the lack of physical intimacy they had become very close mentally and emotionally. When they weren't working on the restoration of the castle, they spent long hours walking or horseback riding together. She told him about her memories growing here, about her family and when he pressed her, she told him about the man that had lost her virginity to.
When Tristen heard that her first lover had been the son of the man that had slaughtered her family, a fury coursed through him so violently it nearly frightened him. Even though Sabrina wholeheartedly believed that Nathaniel knew nothing of his father's plans, Tristen wouldn't believe it until he looked the man in the eyes and saw for himself. And Maker help him if saw even a trace of doubt.
On one occasion she had pressed him about Alistair and how Tristen knew to act like such a complete arse.
"Ouch, a complete arse, I wouldn't go that far," Tristen said.
"Oh really! 'Don't make me fuck you into silence' isn't going to get top grades in charm school," Sabrina retorted.
"Okay, I'll give you that, but the rest of the time I was…" He looked over at her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "Your right I was a complete ass."
"Why?" She questioned.
"Have you ever heard that twins sometimes have unusual connections?" Sabrina nodded so he continued. "Well, I have been aware of my brother's existence all of my life and I can sense Alistair's moods and emotions. Ever since you conscripted Loghain I could sense a big shift in Alistair's emotion. He is very angry at you and his anger is growing darker with each passing day."
"You can sense that?"
"Yes, I feared he would actually harm you. That is why I volunteered to be the one to escort you back to Vigil's Keep, and because I could sense Alistair's anger, I knew that I had to continue that façade long enough to get you away from Denerim and away from him," Tristen replied.
"I know that Alistair is angry at me, but he would never hurt me," Sabrina countered.
"I believe you are thinking of the Alistair that you traveled with during the Blight, and you're right, that Alistair would never hurt you. The Alistair that is now sitting on the throne is a very angry man that is having very dark thoughts," Tristen said.
"You're wrong, Tristen. I trust Alistair. He would never hurt me," Sabrina replied stubbornly.
What he wanted to say was, 'really, that's why he grudge fucked you against a wall and bit and scratched the hell out of you'. But he took a deep breath and instead said, "Don't be naïve, Brin. Follow your instinct and you know what I am saying is true."
He heard her voice before he saw her and he turned to see her approaching from the main hall. She wore a velvet gown, the color of dark gold, with a bodice that had a drop waist and hugged every inch of her tantalizing curves. The low neckline, trimmed in a gold and chocolate loop braid, immediately drew his attention to the tops of her creamy breasts. A brown and gold brocade belt sat on her hips, accentuating her tiny waist and the swell of her hips. Her hair was pulled up but tiny ringlets framed her face. She was absolutely stunning and it took his breath away. How the bloody hell was he supposed to hold her, dance with her and not get an erection. The last thing he needed was to become known as Warden Happy Pants.
Tristen looked down at the matching colors of the doublet he wore over chocolate brown trousers, he had borrowed from Fergus and had to smile. Just some old clothes from the attic my arse.
As she drew near, Tristen bowed, "My Lady, you look utterly amazing."
She smiled as she sized him up and gracefully curtsied, "My Lord, you clean up pretty nicely yourself.
"My Lady," Lena yelled as she came running into the courtyard. "You forgot your cape. I think you'd forget your head if it weren't attached to your body. You'll need this tonight to stay warm."
Sabrina leaned into Tristen and whispered, "I honestly think she forgets that I led a campaign against the Blight for a year and half."
Tristen chuckled as the hand maid approached.
Sabrina sighed patiently, kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you, Lena."
Tristen took the chocolate fur lined cape from Lena and slipped it over Sabrina's shoulders and whispered in her ear. "She didn't have to worry about you staying warm tonight. I would have no problem pressing up against you so that my body heat could warm you from your head to your toes."
He watched her blush slightly, "Yes, I think that's what she's worried about. She is trying to keep my virtue intact."
He laughed, "It's a little late for that."
She playfully smacked his arm. "She doesn't know that, and doesn't need to know either."
By the time they made it to the village the party was in full swing. Sabrina spotted her brother on the other side of the bonfire and started to make her way over to him. Every few steps she was stopped by someone wanting to congratulate her on her victory during the Blight, or to offer their condolences about her family. Tristen admired the way she graciously and kindly interacted with everyone. It was obvious that the people of Highever were extremely loyal to the Cousland Family.
They finally made it to Fergus and he smiled at them as they approached. "My my, don't the two of you make such a striking couple," he said as he handed them each a glass of wine.
"Nice brother, very subtle. I see we are going to need to have a talk," Sabrina said dryly as she took the glass from him.
"What did I do?"
Sabrina raised an eye brow. "First, you dressed us like we are a couple…"
"You're not?"
She glared at him, "Second, Tristen was supposed to keep a low profile and you have him dressed as a noble who looks remarkably like the King!"
"Nooo, now that Tristen has started to grow out his hair he doesn't look like Alistair so much. And everyone knows that the King is in Denerim celebrating Fall Harvest there. So even if he does look like him they know it's not. Besides, look how handsome he looks," Fergus said jovially.
Sabrina was just about so say something nasty when one of the sons of a local noble approached her. "My Lady, would you honor me with a dance?"
She smiled courteously, "I would be honored, my Lord."
Tristen watched as the man led Sabrina toward the fire, took her in his arms and began to twirl and spin her around the fire with the other couples. Tristen frowned and turned to the Teyrn, "Fergus, I have come to love you like a brother, but please stay the hell out of my love life."
Fergus laughed and poured him another glass of wine. "Brother, I do believe you're going to need this."
Tristen didn't know what Fergus meant at first, but an hour later as he watched every nobleman dance with her, some two or three times, it became clear. Fergus made his way back over to him and sat down on the bench beside him. "She does love to dance," he said as he watched his sister dancing around the fire.
"Yes, I am picking that up," Tristen replied dryly.
"Then what the hell are you doing sitting here watching her dance instead of being the one with his arms around her?" Fergus asked.
"She asked that I give her time and space. So I am," Tristen replied.
"Because of Alistair?"
Tristen nodded.
"Tristen, when I saw Bean in Denerim after the final battle, I saw something that absolutely horrified me – I saw that the light had completely gone out of my her eyes and it absolutely broke my heart, because it was her vivaciousness and zest for life that had made her such an incredible force. These past two months I have watched her come back to life. That sparkle is back in her eyes, and it's because of you."
"No, you're wrong. It's being back here in Highever that has brought that vitality back."
"Are you bloody blind, man? If it weren't for you I think being back in Highever would have completely destroyed her. Did she ever tell you what she went through the night the castle was attacked?" Fergus asked.
"She talked about it, but I could tell that she sugarcoated most of it and that I was told the edited version," Tristen replied.
"Well, I'm sure she will when she is ready, and I will let her tell you the details of that terrible night. I will say this, the things that she saw and endured that night would have shattered most people, but she has this extraordinary inner strength and perseverance. She fought through the nightmare she endured and she went on to save an entire country. But in Denerim that strength and determination were gone. I believe that as fragile as she was back then, that coming back here and reliving the nightmare of that night, would have broken her," Fergus said bitterly.
"Alistair did do quite a number on her," Tristen whispered.
Fergus nodded in agreement. "This is my point, you traveled with her for two weeks before you arrived here and even on the first day of being here I noticed a change in her from when I had last seen her. For two months, I have watched her slowly return to the spirited young woman I once knew and it's because of you. Her face lights up when you come into the room, her eyes sparkle when she looks at you and if I have to sit and listen to her ramble on about you one more time, I swear I'm going to run myself through with my sword."
Tristen laughed.
Fergus turned to him, "You love her, don't you?"
Tristen nodded.
"Then why are sitting here instead of taking her in your arms and telling her that?"
"I'm trying to give her…"
"Please don't tell me that you are trying to give her time. Tell her you love and let her decide what to do with that information," Fergus said
Tristen thought about this for a moment and realized Fergus was right. He had given her time and now he need to let her know he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to leave her because he loved her.
"You're right, Fergus. Thank you," Tristen said as he stood up and headed over toward the fire.
Sabrina was dancing with a tall lanky man who was holding her much too close for Tristen's liking. He tapped the man on the shoulder and he paused. "Excuse me, but could I cut in," he asked.
The man hesitated and then said, "Well, that would be up to Lady Cousland."
Sabrina smiled, "Thank you Earl for the lovely dance, but I have yet to dance with my fellow Warden this evening, so if you don't mind?"
The man bowed, "No my Lady, of course not."
Tristen stepped in and placed his hand on the small of her back and drew her into him. He could smell the Highever jasmine in her hair. It felt wonderful to have her back in his arms. He took her hand and began to twirl her around the fire.
"I was beginning to think you didn't know how to dance," Sabrina said.
"Oh I just wanted all those poor sods to believe that they actually had a shot with you," Tristen chortled.
Sabrina giggled. "Oh and you think you do?"
"I know I do," Tristen sighed into her ear and he felt a tremor pass through her. Damn he wanted her, every fiber of his being was aching for her.
"Did your body react like that when those other men held you in their arms?"
He heard her breath hitch. She looked up into his eyes. He saw longing and hunger there and pressed into her letting her know just how much he yearned for her and a moan of desire escaped her lips.
He spun her around, drew her back into him and dipped her as he pressed harder against her thigh. He brought her back up and his face was inches from hers. Her face was flushed with want and need. He took her hand and led her away from the crowd into the woods nearby. When he was sure they were far enough in that they wouldn't be discovered, he pressed her against a tree and leaned into her.
His lips were inches from hers as he breathlessly whispered, "You haven't answered me yet, Brin."
She looked at him questioningly. He moved his lips to her ear and whispered, "Did you tremble in the arms of those other men?"
He reached up, adjusted the material, exposing her breast and ran his thumb over the nipple. "Did your nipples become hard and erect at their touch?
He slid his hand down her side, gathering up the skirt of her dress. He pulled her small clothes aside and slipped his fingers into her exquisitely hot, wet center. A moan tore from her throat. "And were you dripping wet with the anticipation of their mouth on your body, the way you are right now?"
She shook her head no. Tristen heard her breath quicken and her body trembled against his fingers. Maker, he wanted to bury himself in her and get lost forever, but now was not the time. His fingers continued to slide in and out of her as his thumb stroked the swollen nub. She was getting close, but he wanted to time this just right. He slipped his other hand up her back, resting it on the nape of her neck. "Do know why that just holding you in my arms right now is sending fire burning through my veins?" He pressed himself into her thigh, trying to relieve some of the pressure just so he could think.
"And do you know why just the mere thought of you makes me so unbelievably hard?" Sabrina slid her hand down and grabbed him through his pants. A hungry growl ripped from his throat as she began to stroke him through his trousers.
"And do you know why for the past two months, every morning I've had to relieve the sexual frustration myself before I can even be around you, just so that I can think straight?"
Again he felt her shake her head no, but now she was shaking uncontrollably as she increased the pressure against his hand. Fingers continued to glide in and out of her and he leaned over and took her nipple in his mouth, sucking at it. She arched her back as the wave of pleasure crashed over her and her muscles contracted around his fingers. Her body shook with the aftershocks and he took pleasure in her pleasure.
She started to reach inside his trousers, but he grabbed her hand and stopped her. "It's not because of lust, although Maker knows I want you more than anything I've ever wanted my entire life." He paused and slid his hand around from her neck, cupped her hand and forced her to look at him. "It's because I love you, Brin. I am so head over heels in love with you I can't think straight, I can't sleep and I haven't eaten a decent meal since we arrived here, even though Nan is a fantastic cook. And I know deep down, even though you are afraid to admit it, you love me too."
She looked at him for a moment, then she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his and the world just slipped away. A hushed moan escaped from the back of his throat as he indulged himself in the sweet honey taste of her mouth and the soft velvety feel of her tongue as it caressed his. She pulled away from the kiss and reached up and touched the side of his face. He covered her hand with his. "I'm not him, Sabrina. I may look like him, but I am not him."
She looked into his eyes for a long moment and he saw the tears beginning to well. "Please be patient a little longer. I'm trying."
He pulled her to him, "Oh baby, I know you are. I told you I would wait for you forever, and I will, if that's how long it takes for you to realize I would never do to you what he did."
xxXxx
Alistair stood on the shore of a small lake. He recognized this as one of the areas they had stopped at in their travels during the Blight. He noticed further down the shore a naked woman standing up drying herself off and a man watching her. As he moved closer he realized that the woman was Bree and the man was him.
Bree looked over and caught him watching her. "Are you enjoying the show?"
"Well, actually if you could shake your ass a little and maybe touch yourself it would be a much better show. I might even tip you." Alistair was amused with his witty retort.
She raised an eye and then spun around so that her bare back was to him. Then slowly and very provocatively her hips began to sway back and forth as her hands caressed her hips and bottom. She turned toward him and with her hips still swaying, she ran her hands over her breasts, down her stomach and between her legs. His jaw dropped. He reached for her, but she jumped back.
She smiled at him and waved a finger in his face, "It's a show. You can look, but you cannot touch."
His eyes grow wide with desire, "The hell I can't." And jumped to his feet and lunged for her.
Alistair watched as he chased, as she laughed and screamed. This particular incident never happened, but there were plenty of times that were just as playful and carefree. He could feel the love that was radiating off of him for her, and he ached to be like that with her again. From a distance Alistair watched as he grabbed her from behind, spun her around and claimed her as his own. He watched as he fucked her, but there was none of the anger, none of the hate and none of the self loathing. It was as it once had been.
After he had climaxed, Alistair watched as he rested his head in the crook of her neck. Her fingers intertwined in his hair. He had loved it when she did that. It was such a small gesture, but she had always made it feel so intimate and loving.
He looked into her eyes and saw something that he hadn't seen there in a very long time –pure, unblemished love. She smiled that beautiful radiant smile of hers at him and Alistair felt his heart flutter like it had the first time he had met her in Ostagar. Seeing her eyes sparkle once again and that dazzling smile made him realize how badly he missed seeing that. He hadn't seen her happy and at peace in months.
The scene switches and he is on a cliff overlooking the sea. He doesn't recognize the location, but was very familiar with the couple on the blanket. Sabrina stood over him and rolled her eyes. She gently pushed at his hip with her boot, but he grabbed her ankle and as he rolled he pulled her down beside him. He watched as he immediately rolled on top of her and pressed himself into her groin.
Alistair heard himself groan and felt himself growing hard.
As he lay on her, he tangled his hands in her hair and forced her to look into his eyes. "I want you! Just the way you are. I wouldn't change a damn thing about you. You are perfect. I love you. I have been in love you with for so long." Then his lips passionately claimed hers.
Alistair had no idea why he would be saying these things to her. They were true of course, but these dreams made no sense whatsoever.
Alistair slowly woke up as the sun began to filter into his room. He stretched as he recalled the dream and the memory of it still made him smile. The sound of her laughter, the beauty of her smile, and her playfulness made him ache for her. They had been so good together, so right for each other. He had never known that love could feel like that. That is it could make you feel secure and vulnerable, make you crazy and sane, give you serenity and make you confused. The eighteen months that he had spent with her were the happiest of his entire life. He desperately wanted things to be that way again, but then the memories of her betrayal came flooding back and the anger began to rise up once again.
He threw the covers aside and climbed out of bed. Fury coursed through him again, but this time he tried to suppress it, to push it down. He wanted to be happy again. He wanted to be happy with her again. It had been two months since she had left. She should be settled in at Vigil's Keep by now. As King and as a Warden it would only be fitting that he welcomed the new Arlessa. Selling this idea to Eamon wouldn't be easy, but he was king and he would what he wanted.
Tristen was having one of his favorite dreams. He was on the cliff with Sabrina and he was telling her finally how much he loved her when he sensed Alistair there on the cliff with them. He glanced over his shoulder and saw him watching them. He could feel the love that Alistair had for this woman and the joy she had once brought him, and in that instant he completely understood his brother, because he felt the exact same way about her.
Tristen felt himself jerk awake. The memory of the dream washed over him again and the realization that for the first time in months, Alistair had positive feelings towards Sabrina. Tristen smiled, there was hope. Hope that Alistair would be able to pull himself out of this abyss.
Once again, I want to thank RandomWittering for being Beta-spectacular. I appreciate all of your help and insight.