Chapter 7

"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface, consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending, controlling/I can't seem

To find myself again, my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before, so insecure"

Crawling by Linkin Park

Alistair and Sabrina walked into her study. She poured each of them a glass of wine and gestured toward the chairs.

Alistair took the wine from her, but shook his head. "If it's okay with you I would prefer to stand."

"That's fine," Sabrina said as she leaned against her desk and sipped her wine.

Alistair looked at her, took a gulp of wine and set the glass down on a table. He started to pace the room. "Here's the thing, Bree, I have been angry at you for so long that it's starting eat away at me, it's turning me into someone I hardly recognize. I don't want to be like that anymore. I can't live like that anymore."

He stopped pacing and turned to look at her. Sabrina could see the tears that he was fighting to control. "When I think about the last time we were together it actually makes me physically ill. When I think about what I did to you…"

"Alistair what do you think you did to me?"

"I forced myself on you. I practically raped you. Oh Maker," Alistair cried as he bowed his head, running his fingers through his hair.

Sabrina stepped forward and placed a reassuring hand on his arm. "Alistair, please look at me." Alistair raised his head to meet her eyes. "You are not a rapist and you didn't rape me. I was a very willing participant that day. Please don't beat yourself up about this."

"How can I not? I-I tore your clothes off of you. I left bite marks and scratches all over your body. I left you tattered and bruised."

Sabrina smiled slightly at him, "I'm pretty sure I gave as good as I got. I do remember drawing blood a couple of times."

Sabrina saw him squirm at the thought and he lowered his head again. "Bree, the broken shattered look that was in your eyes when I left has haunted me ever since."

"Alistair, that look was there before that encounter, you just didn't notice it," Sabrina said trying not to let the bitterness or anger seep into her words.

"I know and I am the one that is responsible for it. I'm the one that broke you after I had vowed to protect you, vowed to love you, and be with you for the rest of my life," he cried out as he fell on his knees before her, wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his head in her stomach. "Oh, Sabrina, I am so sorry that I deserted you. I can't live with this pain anymore, please forgive me, Bree. Your forgiveness is the only thing that might save me from this dark abyss I have fallen into."

Sabrina felt her heart break at the despair and misery that she heard in his voice. Instinctively, her arms wrapped around him as he held onto her tightly and wept. Briefly the thought flickered through her mind that in less than twenty-four hours both Theirin brothers had clung to her while they were emotionally at their breaking points.

She had never seen someone so utterly eaten up with guilt and despair. How could she deny this man, the man she had loved with everything she had in her, the absolution that he so desperately needed. "Alistair, of course I forgive you."

Alistair looked shocked as he looked up at her, "You do? You can actually forgive me for what I've done to you?"

"Yes, I can. I know that you reacted out of pain and the thought that I betrayed you."

Sabrina watched as sheer relief washed over Alistair's face. Alistair got up and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Oh Bree, thank you; thank you so much. Knowing that you can forgive me has given me hope."

As he embraced her, his hand gently and affectionately rubbed her back and Sabrina felt a tremor pass through her. She pulled out of his grasp and stepped back. "Alistair, I hope that you can forgive me too and maybe if you would let me explain myself, it will help."

Alistair nodded. Sabrina gestured again toward the chairs and this time Alistair nodded and they took a seat. "That day in the Landsmeet when Riordan approached us about putting Loghain through the joining, at first I was as angry and confused by the request as you. Riordan had been tortured by Loghain and he knew what Loghain had done at Ostagar, so why would he make such a request?" She paused as she watched Alistair clench and unclench his hands.

"Are you alright?" Sabrina asked as she nodded to his hands.

"Oh sorry, bad habit," Alistair said sheepishly and he rested his hands in his lap.

Sabrina continued. "Alistair, at the time I had no clue why he would ask such a thing, but I also knew there were a lot of Warden secrets that Duncan never had a chance to tell us and I had to trust that a senior Warden wouldn't casually ask us to conscript the murderer of his fellow Wardens without a damn good reason. And as it turned out my instincts were right."

"They usually were," Alistair said quietly.

"When we got to Redcliffe, Riordan pulled us aside and told us that when a Grey Warden kills the Archdemon, its soul seeks out our tainted blood and enters the Wardens body. Since two souls cannot inhabit the same body, the Archdemon's is destroyed completely. The downside is, so is the Warden's, killing them in the process. If anyone else kills the Archdemon, its soul will seek out closest darkspawn, making it practically invincible and the blight continues."

Sabrina saw the stunned expression on Alistair's face. He got up and started pacing the room once more. Then he paused and looked down at her, "So Riordan was trying to increase our odds of making it out alive."

"Yes, he was," Sabrina replied.

"And you had Loghain make the killing blow as a punishment?"

Sabrina looked down at her hands. Alistair had been so angry at her that he had never asked what happened on top of Fort Drakon. "No, I was prepared to make the killing blow myself…"

"But why? You had the sacrificial lamb," Alistair asked.

Sabrina was fighting back tears and losing the battle. Several tears splashed down onto her hands. Alistair knelt down in front of her and cupped her face in his hand, wiping the tears away with his thumb "Look at me, Bree and tell me why?"

She looked into his eyes and saw his own tears. He knew what she was about to say and for some reason he needed her to tell him. "Because I had nothing left to live for, my parents were gone, at the time I believed my brother to be dead and I had just lost you. Death would have brought the peace I so desperately wanted."

"Y-you were willing to sacrifice yourself to end the pain that I had caused you," Alistair said as his voice hitched.

Sabrina shook her head. "It wasn't just you. I had lost so much in such a short period of time, the heartache was just too much. On top of that tower I felt empty and broken, I thought, what a better way to end it than to do my duty to the Wardens, to my country, and to my K-king."

As her breath hitched on the last word Alistair closed his eyes as he tried to regain control of his emotions. "So what happened?"

Sabrina closed her eyes and shook her head briefly as the memory washed over her. "Alistair it was a battle like no other we had ever experienced before. It took almost everything we had, but we finally had the Archdemon wounded severely enough to have a chance at killing it, then the top of the tower was overrun with darkspawn coming to protect their master. They were everywhere and our armies were being swarmed. I was fighting four and five darkspawn at a time, but they just kept coming. Near the end, I was fighting two hurlocks and an emissary when the Archdemon started rallying behind me, its tail slicing open my side. Wynne immediately came to my aid and started healing me and as the wound began to close, I struggled to my feet with my sword in my hand ready to charge the damn beast. That's when Loghain came up behind me and took my sword. He said that I was in no condition to walk let alone lift a sword to deliver the killing blow, then he charged it, sliced it open and stabbed it in the heart. The last thing I remember was the blinding light, then the explosion. I woke up in the Palace weeks later."

Alistair pulled her head towards him and rested his forehead against hers. "I didn't know until this moment how close I came to losing you forever. I am such a foolish and stupid man, but if you will let me, I will spend the rest of my life making this grave mistake up to you."

Before she could answer, Alistair's mouth hungrily captured hers, desperately as he tried to atone for his sins. Alistair traced the trembling line between her lips with his tongue urging them apart and when they parted he slid fully into her mouth as his lips and tongue begged for forgiveness. She needed to stop him but the feel of his mouth made her head spin and the rush of all the emotions that she had suppressed came rushing back. This was her Alistair, her sweet caring Alistair, but then the thought came crashing in that he was no longer hers, he was a married man and she pulled back from him.

She tried to control her breathing so she could speak, "Alistair, please don't. Please stop."

Alistair leaned in and whispered in her ear, "Do you really want me to stop?" His tongue slid down her neck, lightly traced her collar bone from one side to the other. Oh Maker, his tongue on her was like fire lapping at her. Then his lips found her throat and kissed right above her racing pulse.

"Mmmmm, Bree, you taste as delicious as I remember." A slight moan escaped from her lips. Damn, he was making this so hard not to say yes. The feel of his lips on her body was clouding her judgment, but she put her hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him away.

"Alistair, I can't," she sighed. Three months ago she would have given anything to have Alistair beg for her forgiveness and take her in his arms, but now it was different. Everything was different, she was different, he was different and their circumstances were very different.

Alistair pulled away and looked in her eyes, "Are you saying you don't love me anymore," he whispered.

"No," she said breathlessly.

"Are you saying you don't want me?" He asked.

"No…" and his lips were on hers again this time almost roughly, his tongue parting her lips and driving into her mouth in a fiercely erotic kiss that sent flames shooting throughout her entire body. His legs wedged between hers parting her thighs while his tongue withdrew and then plunged in deep again.

She placed her hand on his chest and pushed him back. "Alistair no, I am not saying that I don't still love you or want you. What I am saying is that things are different now."

Alistair leaned back on his heels and looked at her. "I still love you, Bree and if you still love me then what is so different."

"Alistair, both of us have deeply hurt each other. Just saying you're sorry and asking for forgiveness isn't going to magically make that pain and mistrust disappear."

"I know that, but I believe we are worth the effort. We were amazing together once. We can be that way again if we are both willing to try."

Sabrina shook her head, "Alistair, you are marr…"

There was a loud urgent sounding knock at the door and Sabrina sighed as she called out, "Come in."

Varel stepped in to the room. He saw Alistair and bowed, "Your Majesty."

"Hello, Varel," Alistair replied.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Commander, but your presence is required immediately in basement of the Keep."

"I will be right there. Thank you, Varel."

Varel nodded and closed the door as he left. "Alistair, I need to go, but would you join me for lunch back here around one o'clock."

"Yes, I would enjoy that," Alistair said as he stood up and followed her out the door.

Alistair made his way back to Sabrina's study as he replayed the scene from this morning in his head. He still couldn't believe she had forgiven him and had forgiven him so easily. He had struggled with trying to come to terms with what she had done for months and she in a matter of seconds had wiped the slate clean. How could she do that? She had said that just saying sorry wasn't enough to make the pain go away and he agreed with her, but he was willing to work hard to make it work. He still loved her with all of his heart and she admitted that she still loved him. He knew she was about to bring up that he was married and he would never ask her to be his mistress, but he had only been married to Anora for four months and they had yet to consummate the marriage, and not from a lack of him trying either. Anora was just a cold hearted bitch. She said she needed time to mourn the loss of Cailan and her father, but denying your husband his marital rights was cause to request an annulment. He knew it would cause a scandal, but if he had a chance to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loved, then for that he would happily face the humiliation.

The fact that Sabrina had invited him to lunch was a promising sign that she wanted the same things he did. He knocked on her door.

The door opened and Sabrina stood there wearing very form fitting trousers and a loose blouse with her damp hair pulled back into a ponytail. He raised an eyebrow and grinned at her, "Aaah, I thought you said one o'clock."

"I did," she said as she invited him in. "I'm sorry, I am running a little bit behind. As it turns out the incident in the basement really was an emergency. There is a passageway underneath the Keep that leads directly to the Deep Roads. That is how the darkspawn breached the Keep from the inside," Sabrina said.

"You're kidding," Alistair exclaimed.

"Wish I were. Lucky for me I have a dwarf staying here from Orzammar and he said he can fix the problem. He is starting to work on it. Although it's going to cost me a pretty copper to do it," Sabrina replied.

Alistair stepped toward her, "I would be happy to offer financial assistance."

Sabrina smiled at him. "Thanks Alistair, but the rest of the country is clamoring for financial assistance from the crown in their efforts to rebuild. After our travels during the Blight we all made a small fortune. So I will use some of my own personal funds to cover the cost."

"Bree, you shouldn't have to use your own funds to rebuild a Warden Keep," Alistair protested.

"Alistair, this is now my home and the Wardens are my family. I am investing in them," Sabrina replied.

He could see her logic and didn't want to argue with her. "Okay, but if you change your mind let me know."

"I will, and I do appreciate the offer," Sabrina answered.

Alistair walked over to the table that had been set for lunch and noticed three place settings. He felt the disappointment wash over him. He was looking forward to having lunch alone with her and hopefully they could resume the conversation that they had started earlier. However, he was sure that Varel wanted to use this opportunity to discuss business with the King.

"I see there are three place settings for lunch. Is Varel joining us?"

"Aaah, no it isn't for Varel. One of the Orlesian Wardens survived the attack on the Keep because he had been sent to Denerim to escort me back. I thought it would be important for you to meet him," Sabrina replied.

"Well, I'm glad one of the Wardens from Orlais survived and I would very much like to meet him," Alistair responded.

"Yes, well he is a little upset. The Orlesian Wardens were his family, his brothers and sisters and he is still grieving their loss. I am sure you can relate to that. However, he really wanted to meet you Alistair," Sabrina said.

Alistair nodded sympathetically, "Yes, I believe we both can relate to what this man is going through."

There was a knock at the door and Sabrina smiled at him uneasily. Alistair noticed her hands shaking as she reached for the knob and he wondered why she was so nervous. She opened the door, but from where he stood he couldn't see who was there.

"Is now a good time?" He heard a male voice say with a slight Orlesian accent.

Sabrina nodded and then she turned to him. Her face almost white, she smiled and said, "Alistair, I would like you to meet Tristen."

As the tall, broad shouldered man came in to view, Alistair felt the air rush out of his chest and his head started spinning. He reached for the table to steady himself. The man walked toward him and it was like watching yourself approach a mirror. His hair was longer than his own and he had a full goatee, but the man was identical to him in every other aspect. "W-who? H-how?" He heard himself stammer.

Sabrina rushed over to him and wrapped her arm around his waist. He leaned into her for support. "Alistair, would you like to sit down?" She asked.

Alistair nodded, "Yes, I think that would be a very good idea."

The Warden approached them to offer aid, but Sabrina waved him off. Alistair sat down on the couch and looked up at the man.

"B-brothers? I take it we are brothers," Alistair muttered.

The man smiled warmly and took a seat in a chair across from him. "Yes we are brothers – identical twins, separated at birth."

Sabrina handed him a glass of water. "Thank you," Alistair said as he took the glass from her and took a sip as he tried desperately to collect his scattered thoughts.

Sabrina sat down on the sofa beside him and took his hand in hers as a show of support. He gently squeezed trying to convey his gratitude. "Why? Why separated?"

"You were the first born so Maric wanted you to remain on Ferelden soil. I went with our mother back to Orlais. I grew up spending time at the Orlais Warden Compound and at Weisshaupt," his brother explained.

"Why did you grow up amongst the Wardens?" Alistair asked.

"Our mother was a Warden," his doppelganger replied.

"Our mother was a Warden? Our mother is.. she died…"

"No she is alive," Tristen interjected. "She is at the Warden Compound in Orlais, awaiting word from me to come to Ferelden and meet you."

"You said she was a Warden," Alistair questioned.

Tristen smiled, "Yes, well that is one of the mysteries of our birth. When Maric accompanied Duncan, and our mother, Fiona, into the Deep Roads, they had been given cursed brooches that were supposed to hide their presence from darkspawn. It did do that technically, but the curse also sped up the taint in a Grey Warden to the point that they were receiving their Calling and showing visible signs of corruption within weeks maybe months instead of years. Our mother was one of the victims of this cursed brooch and was already hearing her Calling when she and Maric slept together. After they'd dealt with the plot against them and she'd removed the brooch, all of Fiona's corruption disappeared, she no longer carries the Taint.

There are many theories that Weisshaupt has come up with, but the leading one is that because the brooch was already manipulating her taint, speeding up the process and when we were conceived, we absorbed some of her taint. So when the brooch was gone, she retreated back from her Calling and it left her essentially taint free. When we were born, the taint could be detected in our blood, but it wasn't active. It didn't become active until we went through the magic ritual of the Joining."

"Wow," Sabrina said. "That's incredible. So your mother might be the only Warden to never receive her Calling."

"Yes, it would appear that way," Tristen replied.

Alistair just sat there in stunned silence. In a matter of minutes he had been given the family that he had always wanted, but right at that moment he felt completely numb. It was just too much to absorb all at once.

Alistair released Sabrina's hand and stood up, "I'm sorry, but this is a lot to take in. I need some time." And he headed out the door.

He was about half way down the corridor when he heard Sabrina call out for him. He ignored her and kept walking. He really needed to be alone to sort through all of this. She called out after him again, but he kept walking. She had left Denerim three months ago with the man. She had known for three months that he had a twin brother and she never bothered to let him know. How could she keep that from him?

She called out again, this time closer and he whirled on her, anger seething from his pores. "YOU KNEW! You knew I had a twin brother and you are just now getting around to letting me know about it?"

"Alistair, once I had things under control here I was going to travel to Denerim with Tristen to see you so that you could meet him," Sabrina said defensively.

"What about letting me know before you left Denerim with him? That might have been a great time to make the introduction," Alistair said sarcastically.

Sabrina was breathing hard from running to catch up with him and now from anger as he watched her eyes flare with ire. "I was two days outside of Denerim before I realized he wasn't you. He believed through some connection he has with you that I was in danger and he wanted to get me as far away from you as possible before he revealed who he was. I was too far away to turn back and I needed to get to Highever to see Fergus," she retorted.

"You spent two day with that man before you realized it wasn't me. Holy shit, Bree, how could you spend eighteen months with me and it take you two days to realize that the man you were traveling with wasn't me. You never really knew me at all did you?" Alistair seethed.

"Oh he's great at impersonating you Alistair. He just acted like a complete arse…very similar to how you are acting now!" She hissed then spun on her heels and marched off. Alistair watched her go and then headed back to his room.