Chapter 11
"You don't have to feel like a waste of space, you're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed,
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow, and when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh, as you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a firework, come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh, you're gonna leave 'em falling down"
Firework by Katy Perry
The following day Sabrina sent Nate and Anders back to the Keep to inform Tristen and Varel that they were going to head to Highever to investigate a darkspawn attack. Nate was not happy to hear that Zevran was an assassin and voiced his concerns about her traveling with him. Zev retaliated by making some smart arse comment about letting her travel in the company of a Howe and Anders had to freeze both of them to keep things from coming to blows.
The two groups went their separate ways, Sabrina and Zev rode hard all day and entered through the gates of Highever Castle just as the sun was about to set. She had just handed the stable boy her reins when Fergus came rushing out through the main entrance. "The guards alerted me to your arrival. What is going on?"
Just the sight of her brother brought all the memories of the wonderful time she and Tristen had spent here flooding back, then all the pain she had been suppressing the past couple of days overwhelmed her. Before she could even stop them, the tears began to fall.
Fergus pulled her to him and hugged her tightly as she cried in her big brother's arms. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, "Whatever has happened it's going to be alright, Beanie. You're home and we will work through this together. Okay?"
Sabrina nodded mutely. Fergus looked over her shoulder at Zevran. He released one arm and extended it toward Zevran, "Thank you for bringing her home safely. I'm Fergus Cousland."
Zev shook Fergus' hand as Sabrina wiped the tears from her cheeks and said, "Oh, I'm sorry for not introducing you. Fergus this is Zevran, one of my companions from my travels."
"Aaah, from the descriptions that Bean has given me, you must be the assassin," Fergus said jovially.
Zev smiled, "Yes, that about sums it up."
"It is a pleasure to meet you. I have heard all about her companions so it's nice to put a face with a name," Fergus said as he led them inside the main hall.
He motioned for a servant to take their bags and to send for Lena. He had just sat her down and handed her a glass of water when Lena came rushing into the room.
"What's this I hear, my Lady is here and in a fragile state?" Lena took one look at Sabrina, swiftly hurried to her side and put her arm around her. "Oh child, that's a look of anguish only a man can inflict. You come with Old Lena, we'll draw you a nice hot bath to soak in and a big glass of brandy."
"Bean, after your bath I would be honored if you and Zevran would join me in my study for dinner," Fergus said.
Sabrina nodded as her hand maiden led her off to her rooms. Lena happily spent the next two hours pampering and tending to her needs. As Sabrina soaked in the tub she allowed herself to think about the whole incident for the first time since it happened. She replayed the scene from the hall in her mind. Alistair looked so…so hurt and stunned and very spiteful as he spat the words out at her.
"Every intimate moment, every sexual encounter I have ever dreamed about with you, he has been there to witness and observe it. He isn't connected to you on some deep level. He knows you because I know you. He used my intimate knowledge to get close to you, to make you feel like he knew you so completely, to make you cry out his name in pleasure."
As the words ran through her mind her hands began to tremble again as Tristen's pleading face came into focus.
"Brin, I didn't fall in love with you because Alistair did. I fell in love with you for the same reasons Alistair did. I love you for who you are, not who my brother thinks you are. Please Mon Soleil, please believe me."
As much as she wanted to believe him, Alistair had done a fine job of planting the seeds doubt in her head. How was she supposed to trust him? If he'd shared all of Alistair's intimate dreams, how could he not use that information to his advantage? If he wanted her all to himself why wouldn't he use that information? She would have. So was that necessarily a bad thing?
And poor Alistair. Even if he hadn't learned from Tristen's dreams that they were sleeping together, he most certainly knew now after seeing her in Tristen's shirt outside his bedroom. That wasn't very discrete or kind of her, especially when Alistair was trying so hard to make things right. She wasn't even thinking when she stepped out of Tristen's room. She just wanted to shut them up before they woke the entire Keep. They had been in the midst of a very heated argument when she had opened the door. She'd caught the last thing that Tristen had said to Alistair, 'Until I breathe my last breath, she is all that matters to me.'
That phrase made her smile, her stomach flip and made her heart flutter. Her mind drifted to the incredible time that she'd had with Tristen before it had all gone so completely wrong. The way his hands, lips and tongue felt on her skin drove her crazy and the way her body responded to his touch was like nothing she had ever experienced with anyone. He had stirred her down to her very soul.
She had come back from Kal'Hirol with a clear head. Alistair was married, he'd made his choice and he was now a part of her past. She was ready to commit to Tristen. He made her feel good about herself, he made her laugh and he always challenged her, but now she just wasn't sure. He'd purposely deceived her. He'd had months to tell her about the connection. He could have softened the blow by telling her about it in his own words. Why hide it? It just made him look guilty of something.
She got out of the tub, quickly got dressed and headed for Fergus' study. She was half way down the hall when she heard her brother's boisterous laugh. Oh no, if Zevran is in there with him that can't be good.
As she entered the room she caught the tail end of Zev's story, "So by now, Oghren has passed out and Bree is three sheets to the wind when this rogue ogre comes charging into camp. As it stormed up to the fire it knocked over Bree's bottle of brandy and spilled all of its contents. Bree got so angry she strolled right up to ogre and said, 'if you wanted a drink all you had to do was ask,' and then she throws her tankard at the damn thing's head."
"Oh Maker, I wish I could have seen that," Fergus managed to say in between bursts of laughter.
Zev chuckled as he continued the story, "The ogre was so stunned at first, he didn't move which luckily was enough time for me to get Bree out of the way, just before it brought its fist crashing down in the exact spot she had been standing. Thank the Maker Alistair was on guard duty that night because he hadn't been drinking. He came crashing through the tree line and took the ogre head on. He defeated the ogre handily and then whirled around to yell at Bree for being so drunk she'd nearly gotten herself killed, only to see Bree completely passed out on his bedroll." Both of them burst out laughing.
Sabrina strolled into the room, headed to the bar, poured herself a brandy and replied coolly, "Fergus, Zev is an unscrupulous assassin. Don't believe his web of lies. You see, there was a bad Bree, an evil Bree and I killed her."
Fergus laughed even harder, "Oh Bean, I do hope you didn't kill off the bad evil Bree because I do love her so."
"Oh she tried to put her down, but I see glimmers of her wicked side just clamoring to get out," Zev chortled.
"I came home for a little love, some sympathy and understanding, but all I'm getting is abuse. I can go back to the Keep for this kind of treatment."
"Aaaah, is my little filly feeling mistreated?" Fergus asked as he gestured for her to take a seat at the table that had been set for them.
"Little filly?" Zevran asked.
"Fergus, if you want to live through the night you won't say another word," Sabrina threatened as she sat down at the table.
"Oh, should I sleep with a dagger underneath my pillow?" Fergus teased.
"If you tell this story I would highly recommend it," Sabrina retorted.
"Oh Fergus, you can't let her meager threats dissuade you from telling this tale. If you need me to sleep in your room and keep you safe, I am more than willing to offer my services," Zevran snickered.
"I'd be careful brother before excepting his offer. You might want him to clarify exactly which one of his many services he is offering," Sabrina said mockingly.
Fergus raised an eye brow and Zevran shrugged his shoulders "I offer a wide variety of services, but for my very generous host I offer only my protection from your vindictive sister for telling what seems to be a very interesting tale."
Before Fergus could answer, the servants entered carrying the first course of their dinner. Fergus patiently waited until they had left the room before he grinned at Sabrina then turned to Zev, "Well if you are willing to face the wrath of my sister in the middle of night, I am willing to tell the tale."
Zev nodded vigorously, "Oh I have a feeling this is too good to pass up."
Sabrina just hung her head and muttered some sort of death threat. Fergus ignored her and launched into his tale. "Well, first I need to give you a little background information. There were few children around to play with when we were growing up, so both of us grew up playing with the children of the Knights of Highever, the castle guards and the regional lords and banns. These children were our friends; we played with them, trained with them and grew up with them. Most nobles would consider this beneath their stations and would never allow their children to fraternize in such a way. My father, however, encouraged these relationships for two reasons. First, there were few children around to interact with and he didn't want us to be lonely. His second reason was more calculating and cunning, but effective. He believed if we had relationships with the people paid to protect us they would be more willing to sacrifice their lives for us."
Zevran nodded soberly, "That was very wise. Some of my most difficult assignments have been when I had to confront a loyal and devoted knight. That was a very shrewd decision."
"Yes, sometimes as the leader you have to make calculated choices that may sacrifice the lives of the few, to ensure the survival of many," Fergus said.
Zevran looked at Sabrina, clasped her hand and squeezed, "Yes, I believe your sister learned that lesson well."
Fergus nodded, understanding that there are things that brothers in arms experienced during battle that remained between those that lived through them. They were all silent for a moment before Fergus continued. "So back to my story…"
"Oh you don't want to ruin this very touching moment with this very boring story," Sabrina said.
Fergus and Zevran looked at each other and nodded together. "Yes, I believe I do. So Sabrina grew up with the son of a minor lord who was sent to Highever as a squire, Roland Gilmore. They were the exact same age and in the beginning, they were just two young kids running around Highever together playing childhood games. Sabrina and Rory were inseparable and did everything together. They trained in the sparring ring together, they learned their Chantry lessons together and they took equestrian lessons together as well. But as they got older they began to notice the differences between boys and girls."
Fergus paused for dramatic effect and Zev smirked as he began to realize where this was going.
"Well, being the inspiring rider that Bean was developing into, she began to question where baby horses came from. She asked everyone who would listen, but no one would ever give her a straight answer. So one day she overheard the quartermaster saying that it was breeding season and he had the perfect filly and stallion that he was going put together. At the ripe old age of twelve I'm sure Bean didn't know what breeding meant exactly, but it definitely had her curious piqued."
Zev began to chuckle, "Oh now I am beginning to understand why you used to cry out, 'that's it baby, buck like a stallion' to Alistair in the middle of the night."
Fergus burst out laughing, but Sabrina looked absolutely horrified. "That is a big fat lie! I never said that!" She declared as she took a gulp of wine.
Fergus continued to laugh. "Oh Bean I believe you, just because I know how much this story horrifies you."
"Well, if you know how traumatizing it is, why are you telling it," Sabrina countered.
"Well, I do believe you just established why I'm retelling the story. That's what big brother's do. So anyway, Zev, you'll understand more clearly in a moment," Fergus said as he tried to get his laughter under control. "So Bean overheard the breeding schedule and had convinced Rory to sneak into an empty stall in the barn close to the paddock so that they could investigate what the quartermaster was doing with the horses."
Fergus began to laugh so hard he had to pause in his tale to catch his breath, his laughter so infectious that Zev started to laugh right along with him. Both took another sip of wine before Fergus continued. "Now up to this point, everything I just told you was information that I have managed to weasel out of Bean over the years. But what I am about to tell you, I experienced firsthand. I had come into the barn to assist the quartermaster at the request of my father and as I neared the stalls at the end, I heard Sabrina exclaim, 'Is that it? That's all you've got! Did you see the size on that stallion? I can barely even see yours'. And poor Rory retorted, 'Well, I'm not a damn horse Bean, and I don't think you would want something that big jammed up there anyway.' I look over the stall doors and there is both Sabrina and Rory with their drawers down, each staring at the others' privates completely dumbfounded."
Zev started to laugh so hard he nearly fell off his chair, "Oh Maker, that has to be the funniest story I've heard in years." He wiped the tears from his eyes. Sabrina merely rolled her eyes. Zev was the second man in a matter of months that had laughed at her brother's stories about her, at her expense.
"Well, as she got older and would go horseback riding with potential suitors, I used to joke with her beforehand that it was time to play the filly and the stallion," Fergus said as he grinned at Sabrina, who just glared back at him.
"Just you wait, Fergus Cousland, someday you will bring home a pretty filly of your own and I'm going to tell her stories that will make your toes curl and straighten your hair!" Sabrina exclaimed.
A sad smile settled on Fergus face, "I do believe you lost out on that chance, Bean."
Sabrina immediately regretted her choice of words. She was instantly kneeling in front of Fergus, she grasped his hands in hers. "I'm sorry Fergus. That was careless of me to say."
Fergus smiled at her, "It's alright, Bean. I know you didn't mean any harm in it."
She reached up and gently stroked her brother's cheek, "Someday Fergus, you will be ready to move on. You will meet the perfect girl, you will bring her home to meet your baby sister and I will destroy the perfect image she has of you by telling her all about your sordid love life."
She grinned up at her brother; he grinned back then pulled her into a big bear hug. "I hope so, Bean. I really, really do." He finally released her and she sat back in her seat.
"For being brother and sister, I must say the two of you are very open with each other about your sex lives," Zevran remarked.
"Well, as I said there were few children around for us to interact with so Bean and I spent a lot of time together. I'm sure you are well aware she doesn't act like a typical noble woman. She sparred in the ring, she studied military history and combat strategy, she hunted and fished, so I didn't grow up thinking of her as a girl or even as my sister; she was my sibling with no gender to define what was acceptable conversation and what wasn't."
"So basically you treated her as one of the boys," Zev interjected.
"Exactly, and I think it's made her so much more interesting. Don't you think?" Fergus asked with a grin.
"Oh, I completely agree. It was her dirty, deviant mind that attracted me to her in the first place. So I have you to thank for that," Zev chortled.
Fergus nodded, "Your welcome."
"Excuse me, still in the room," Sabrina muttered.
The servants brought in the second course as Fergus poured each of them another generous glass of wine. He took a sip as he studied Sabrina for a moment. "So Bean, I can't remember ever seeing you as distraught as you were when you arrived here. Tell me what happened."
So Sabrina told him all about Alistair's visit to the keep and the confusion that his presence had brought. She explained that she'd gone on an eight day mission just to get away from the two of them, so that she could clear her head and think. By the time she had returned to the Keep, she'd decided that Alistair was her past and Tristen her future. Then she explained about the connection and that Tristen had been in Alistair's dreams as an observer every time Alistair dreamed about the two of them.
"Fergus, Alistair was so spiteful when he pointed out that Tristen knows me so well only because Alistair knew me intimately. I know he was hurt and confused, but it was as if he took pleasure in delivering the news. And despite the way that it was conveyed, if it weren't true, why didn't Tristen tell me the details of the connection between them?"
Fergus thought about everything that Sabrina had just told him before he spoke. "First of all, Alistair is a complete arse…"
"Hear, hear, I'll drink to that," Zev interjected as he lifted his wine glass. Both Fergus and Sabrina chuckled as they raised their glasses to the toast.
"Alistair was only thinking of himself when he told you about the connection in such a boorish manner and yes, you deserved to know about the connection, but not like that. I don't believe that Tristen maliciously kept the secret from you, Bean. From what I've seen, I know he would never intentionally try to hurt you. Did Tristen say if he could control these dreams?"
"I didn't ask, but I got the impression that they weren't able to," Sabrina replied.
"Bean, I can only go on what I have personally witnessed and in the two months that Tristen was here, I observed a man that was in love with you. Not a man that was in love with the idea of you, but with you, Bean. You need to talk with Tristen about this and hear what he has to say about it, not what Alistair wanted you to know."
"Yes, well I guess that would have been the mature way to handle it," Sabrina muttered.
"You think?" Fergus questioned sarcastically and Sabrina hit his arm.
Fergus rubbed his arm, "Ouch, damn Bean, you need to remember your own strength. You know, if you think about it, it would be a very hard thing to admit to the woman that you love, that both you and your twin share intimate dreams about her that you can't control. I know your subconscious mind is the last place I would want to be Beanie," Fergus chortled.
"It's cleaner than yours," Sabrina countered.
"Bella mia, somehow I doubt that. I know your twisted mind and it's about as clean as a templar's wet dream," Zev contradicted.
Sabrina feigned shock, "Why my dear assassin, I know not what you speak of, I am as innocent as a lay sister."
"Oh and we know how innocent they are," Zevran chuckled and Sabrina joined in. Fergus not understanding the joke just looked at them blankly, so Zev and Sabrina spent the rest of the evening entertaining him with tales of their favorite chantry sister.
They had been in Highever for four days and Sabrina was starting to feel as if the fog in her head was beginning to lift. Her brother was right, that she needed to sit down with Tristen and hear his side of the story. Then she could decide where to go from there. However, until she had made a decision, she thought that it would be best to keep things between her and Tristen strictly on a professional level. She knew that would be easier said than done because Tristen had a way of making her go weak in the knees, clouding her head with his sweet words and breaking all of her resolve, but she needed to come to terms with this whole connection thing.
She would also have to talk with Alistair eventually. If the brothers shared dreams then it was only a matter of time before Tristen dreamed of her, and Alistair shared that moment, if he hadn't already. She had been hurt beyond belief by Alistair, but she didn't want to intentionally inflict pain on him. Both of them needed to find closure to their past if they were ever going to be able to move on with their futures.
On their fifth day in Highever, Zev, Fergus and Sabrina rode out to the sight of the latest darkspawn attack. Again, they found a battlefield littered with corpses. The three of them carefully collected the bodies and burned them. While watching the corpses burn, Sabrina felt the tug of the taint. She followed the pull that led her to the entrance of a cave. She drew her weapons and inched into the mouth of the cavern, the tug becoming stronger the deeper she went. Zev came up behind her and whispered, "Do you feel something?"
Sabrina nodded as the taint called her deeper and deeper and Zev drew his weapons too.
"My pet, I do not believe it's wise to venture in much further."
"I just need to get a sense how close to the surface it is. Where is Fergus?" Sabrina whispered back.
"He is watching the fire to make sure that it doesn't get out of control," Zev replied.
They were about sixty feet in from the cave entrance when the floor dropped off suddenly. Sabrina was not expecting the appearance of a ledge and she almost lost her footing. Zev grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back just as the loose rim crumbled beneath her.
"Thank you, Zev," she panted as her heart raced. "That was a close one."
"Too close for my taste," Zev said as he peered over the edge. "Well, at least the darkspawn will need to improve their climbing skills before they are making it up that cliff."
"Well, that should hold them off for a while, but I won't feel good about it until I can get back here with Dworkin Glavonak from the Keep and have him close off that opening. In the meantime, Fergus needs to send out a warning to all the locals to avoid this area for a while," Sabrina replied as they exited the cave.
By the time that they got back to the castle, Sabrina was in desperate need of a bath. She soaked in the tub for a long time, sipping her wine and lost in her thoughts. These past five days had been so relaxing. There was no tension, no walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing or give off the wrong impression. Here she could just be herself and it was great having Zev back by her side. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed him until he had stepped out of the shadows at the Randy Stag.
After she finished a second glass of wine, she stepped out of the tub, dried off, got dressed and headed to Fergus' study. She found her brother relaxing by the fire reading a book. She sat in the chair opposite him. He set the book down and studied her for a long moment.
"Bean, I know the past couple of months haven't been easy," Fergus began.
"Well, more like the past couple of years," Sabrina muttered.
Fergus smiled at his sister. "I know, but these past several months you have been given a lot to deal with and you have handled it admirably. I want you to keep in mind something that Father always said. He would tell us that sometimes when all the doors close, it's the Maker's way of leading you to the perfect road that is meant just for you. Alistair made a choice that changed your life forever and in doing so he closed all of the possibilities that might have led you along with him. Bean, you have to consider that maybe Alistair wasn't your perfect path, but that he led you to the one that is right for you."
Sabrina looked at her brother for a moment before she replied, "And you think Tristen is my perfect path?"
"I can't tell you that Bean, and I wouldn't; only you can decide that for yourself. But there is a reason that Tristen came into your life when he did. You need to figure out what that reason is," Fergus replied.
Sabrina nodded and thought about what Fergus had said. Tristen had come into her life right at the perfect moment, when she thought she couldn't go on, when she thought she was about to break. Did he know that from Alistair's dreams and had come to rescue her emotionally, mentally and physically?
Fergus poured each of them a glass of wine and then sat down beside her again. "So the history between you and Zev is what exactly?"
"What do you mean?" Sabrina asked incredulously.
"You know damn well what I mean? Have you slept with him?"
"Fergus, do you really think that's any of your business?"
"Well, it may not be my business, but what kind of big brother would I be if I didn't ask?"
"A polite one for starters! How would you like it if I ran through a list of all the women I thought you'd slept with?"
"Go ahead. I'll tell you, if you tell me?" Fergus winked teasingly.
"Fine! Did you sleep with Anora?"
Fergus laughed wholeheartedly. "Ever since you caught me coming out of the larder with her, you assumed I was sleeping with her."
"Well, were you," Sabrina said with a grin.
"Not when you saw us. I was only beginning to work my charms on her at that time," Fergus replied.
"Wow, you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet by showing her the larder. I'm shocked she didn't fall on the ground and beg you to take her right there," Sabrina said sarcastically.
"Well, by the time I finally did have our lovely Queen, she was definitely begging me for it," Fergus proudly stated.
"And that happened when and where?"
"The summer after you caught us, on the Bluffs where you took Tristen, seems like that is a favorite spot for both of us," Fergus replied.
"I didn't sleep with Tristen there," Sabrina said dryly.
Fergus shrugged his shoulders. "Shame on you if you didn't, but I do know for a fact that you slept with both Nate and Rory there. Not at the same time a far as I know," Fergus chortled.
"Fergus Cousland, how the hell do you know that?" Sabrina demanded.
"I wasn't spying if that is what you are implying. When you ended things with Rory for Nate, the boy was absolutely devastated. I found him one summer afternoon in the stables very distraught. Nate had come to visit and I take it that the two of you had gone to the Bluffs for a picnic. Rory overheard where you were going and followed you there. He considered that place your spot and he was incredibly hurt that you would take another man there," Fergus said.
Sabrina's face fell. "Oh poor Rory, I never meant to hurt him. It's just that…oh Fergus, now I feel awful."
"And you should," Fergus said dryly. "He was inconsolable for two days until I introduced him to Sally Mayfield."
"You introduced him to Easy Spreadin' Sally!"
"Yep, and she made him forget all about you," Fergus gloated.
"I highly doubt that. He's lucky he didn't catch some strange disease from her."
"Now that I answered your question it's time to answer mine about Zev," Fergus stated.
Before Sabrina could answer a knock came at the door and one of the house servants came in.
"Pardon the intrusion, your Grace, but a bird messenger just delivered an urgent message for Lady Cousland."
Sabrina stood up and took the message from the servant and thanked them. She saw that the message had originated from Vigil's Keep. She quickly opened it and scanned the contents. She steadied herself by holding onto a chair as she quickly began to calculate her next move. Fergus could tell something was seriously wrong; he walked over and took the letter from her hand.
Dear Brin,
Two days ago the King and his royal guards headed back to Denerim. Early this morning, one of the royal guards stumbled through the main gate of the Keep. He was barely alive, but before he died he managed to say that they had been attacked just outside of the Wending Wood by darkspawn. They killed everyone in the entourage except for Alistair, whom they dragged off. They assumed the guard was dead which is how he managed to escape and make his way back to the Keep. Brin, it's just like when the Keep was attacked – they only took the Wardens. This has to be the work of the Architect. I am taking the Wardens and heading to the Wending Wood to find my brother.
I truly hope that I will once again see your beautiful face, but if I don't I need you to know that I love you with every fiber of my being, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was to cause you pain. You have had enough pain to last a life time and I just wanted to bring joy back into your life. Until I breathe my last breath, you are all that matters to me, Mon Soleil.
All of my love,
Tristen
Author Notes – I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I appreciate your support. I always try to respond to review posts, but if I missed someone, I apologize and please know that I am grateful for you taking the time to read and review.
I also want to thank Goddess Beta One – RandomWittering and Goddess Beta Two –Jinx1983 for their fantabulous beta-ing skills, for your support and for being such great sounding board. You girls rock!
Last, but not least over on over on the cheeky monkey forum, ht tp : / /www .darkstorm .co .uk/cmda , Warrose and I are having a very fun, and if I do say so myself, smokin' hot duel. ht tp : / /www .darkstorm .co .uk/cmda ?f=34&t=324 . Hope you can drop by.