Chapter 12
"I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more, so much more
I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming am I too lost to be saved, am I too lost?
my God my tourniquet, return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet, return to me salvation"
Tourniquet by Evanescence
The morning Sabrina left the keep, Tristen felt her go. It killed him to let her leave without first trying to explain everything to her, but he knew that it wouldn't do any good. She was going to need some time to sort through all of this, and he just prayed that she would realize that he never intentional betrayed her. He loved her so much it ached and all he wanted to do was to protect and shield her from any more pain. As it turned out he was now the one inflicting the pain and it crushed him.
She had been right, he should have told her about the connection and trusted that she would understand. He could have softened the blow and not made it seem like he had violated her somehow. Alistair had made sure that she now saw him in that disgraceful light and if he was honest with himself he couldn't really blame his brother. The man had just found out that he had a twin who he not only shared dreams with, but who was in love with the same woman, and was having sex with her. Yep, the man had every right to be pissed at him, but that didn't give him the right to take it out on Sabrina. Alistair had done that too much already and caused her enough pain to last a lifetime. If his brother wanted to beat the shit of him, that was fine; he would take it partly because he believed he deserved it and partly because he knew Alistair needed to release the rage that was now running rampant through him.
Alistair was his brother, blood should be thicker than water and he had meant what he'd said to him the previous night. He would have loved her from afar and would have been happy for the two of them, even if it meant his own heartache, but Alistair had made the choice to leave her, marry another and in the process nearly destroy her. Tristen was just trying to put back together the woman he loved.
Tristen needed to exert himself and work out his own pent up frustrations so he put on his practice armor, grabbed his sword and shield and headed for the training ring. As he approached the arena he let out a groan of frustration. His brother was already there warming up on a practice dummy. Tristen was about to turn around and head back into the Keep when Alistair called out, "Just the man I have been waiting for."
Tristen cursed to himself. This was not going to be good. He walked over to fence as Alistair advanced towards him. "You needed me for something Alistair?" Tristen asked coolly.
A slow, malicious grin spread across the King's face. "Yes, I thought you and I could spar together."
"Well, I was only planning getting in a quick workout before I had to tend to several Warden duties," Tristen replied calmly.
"Oh there will be plenty of time later for your Warden duties. How often to do you get to spar with your brother," Alistair retorted sourly.
"Okay, Alistair, if this is what you want," Tristen said as he climbed over the railing. As he moved into the center of the ring he noticed that Alistair wasn't wearing practice armor, but battle armor. Aah shit, Alistair definitely had been waiting for him.
The last time they had sparred together, they'd realized they could anticipate each other's moves, so now Tristen forced himself to clear his mind completely so Alistair couldn't read him. He was going to have to completely rely on instinct and try not to anticipate his brother's actions. The two large men began circling each other. Tristen thought of the first time he had seen Brin's face as she emerged from the city walls. She had taken his breath away. He knew from Alistair's dreams that she was beautiful, but those dreams were cheap imitations of the real thing. Block, swing, block, attack, parry, the sound of clashing metal rang out on the air, and Tristen ignored it as his intuition guided his hands. He really wished that he had brought his axe. That would have been more natural, but he had been training recently with the shield and sword and this took more thought which allowed Alistair to foresee some of his moves.
Alistair charged at him again and Tristen jumped to his brother's sword side, spun around and slammed his shield into Alistair's arm. Alistair stumbled slightly, but held his ground. He raised his shield and slashed at Tristen's arm and for the most part Tristen dodged the blade, but Alistair had managed to get through the practice armor and slice the upper part of his forearm. Tristen could feel warm blood begin to seep down his arm. He quickly repositioned himself, crouched into a defensive posture and they began circling each other again.
His blood ran down his arm and as droplets hit the dirt, Alistair looked at the blood, then at Tristen and grinned. "Oops, sorry about that."
Tristen just glared at him and cleared his mind once more. He thought about Sabrina riding in an open field at Highever. Her long locks flowing behind her, her sweet bottom posted high in the saddle. Block, swing, block, attack and the battle raged on.
Both men were beginning to fatigue and unfortunately for Alistair the weight of his heavier armor was now becoming a disadvantage, so he went on the offensive, looking to end the fight quickly. He caught Tristen with a blow that skimmed off of his shield and into the side of his head. Thinking he was stunned, his brother moved in with an overhead strike. Maker, Tristen thought, he was going for a killing blow. Just as Alistair brought the blade down, Tristen leapt away from the descending blade. The sword bounced off the ground and Tristen leveled a kick at the back of Alistair's knee. The leg buckled and he went down with it.
Tristen spun to face Alistair with his blade raised. "Do you really want to kill your own brother?"
"I don't have a brother," Alistair growled as he got to his feet, pointing his blade at Tristen and the two men began to circle each other again.
"Yes you do Alistair. You have wanted a family all of your life. You have wanted to feel that you belong to something, well now you are. You are a part of a family. You have a mother that loves you and believe it or not you have a brother that loves you too," Tristen reminded him.
Alistair attacked again and Tristen countered - block, swing, block, attack, parry.
"I find that very difficult to believe considering you stole the woman I love," Alistair sneered.
"Alistair, you were already married when I met Sabrina. Have you forgotten that? You're a married man and you are dueling against your brother over a woman you threw away," he retorted.
Alistair glared at him for a long time, than he threw down his weapons and removed his gauntlets. "You're right, I really don't want to kill you, but I really do want to hurt you," Alistair grunted as he raised fists.
"You have got to be kidding me," Tristen said disbelievingly.
"Nope."
"Fine, have it your way but we remove our armor first," Tristen answered. Alistair nodded and both men stripped themselves of their plate.
Warily the brothers circled each other looking for an opening. Alistair was the first to strike with a vicious left hook to Tristen's jaw. Tristen shook his head and quickly recovered, attempting to seize his brother around the waist. Alistair quickly avoided his grasps and countered with several body shots knocking the air out of Tristen's lungs. Alistair grinned as he sensed weakness. He lunged forward as Tristen retreated trying to catch his breath, but this time as Alistair advanced, Tristen staggered his brother with an uppercut to Alistair's jaw.
Alistair aimed a straight left hand at Tristen's face who ducked, grabbed Alistair's wrist and as he moved behind him, got his brother in a restraining bear hug. Tristen kicked Alistair again in the same knee he had before and Alistair cried out in pain as he dropped down to his knees. Tristen slid his arm around Alistair's neck and began to squeeze. Alistair clawed at his brother's arm.
"I could continue to choke you Alistair until you pass out, but that will give you one hell of a headache. If I release you do you yield?" Tristen felt it as Alistair nodded. He released him but then stepped out of reach, ready to counter just in case.
But Alistair didn't lunge for him. He sat down on the ground as he gasped for breath. Tristen grabbed two canteens of water, walked over and sat beside Alistair. Tristen handed him the canteen.
They sat there for a very long time in silence. Eventually, Alistair tapped Tristen's arm, "You're bleeding." he said hoarsely
Tristen looked at his arm and grunted, "I'm sure I'll live."
Alistair took his sword and cut a long strip off of his shirt. "Here let me see that," he growled as he took his brother's arm and began to clean up the wound and wrap the gash with the cloth.
"That should help with the bleeding until you can have it properly looked at," Alistair said coolly.
Tristen looked at the shirt remnant wrapped around his arm and then at his brother and began to laugh. Alistair looked at him like he had gone crazy.
"Did I hit your head harder than I thought?" Alistair questioned.
Tristen shook his head and held up his arm, "Perfect metaphor for our relationship."
Alistair quirked a grin at him then joined in the laughter. "Yep, that about sums it up."
They were quiet again for a while before Tristen spoke. "Alistair, I need you to know and understand that I did not steal Brin from you. You left her and you married someone else…"
"I am going to have my marriage annulled," Alistair declared.
Tristen looked at his brother sadly. "Brother you are grasping at straws, trying desperately to hold on to the past and to a love that no longer exists. Alistair, what you and Sabrina once had was very special…actually it was incredible. I would know, I lived some of it with you. But both of you have inflicted a tremendous amount of pain on each other. That kind of pain can be forgiven, but it can't be forgotten and it has forever changed the dynamics of your relationship with each other. The anguish that both of you are still feeling is very raw and even though both of you are trying not to hurt each other, you just can't stop because of the pain that is eating at you on the inside. It's not healthy for either one of you. Both of you need to heal and that is only going to happen with time and distance."
"And you think you can help her heal."
"I know I can," Tristen replied.
"I still love her," Alistair mumbled.
"You still love her and yet you hate her, you want to take comfort in her and you want to hurt her. Can't you see how unhealthy that is for both of you?"
Alistair bowed his head. Tristen could see his shoulders shake as he tried to stifle the sobs. "She is all I ever wanted. I never knew what love really was until I met her. She has been my everything for so long, I don't know how to go on without her. Since I've met her, all I thought about was making her my wife. I don't know how to let that go."
Tristen felt that he completely understood the pain his brother was experiencing, but he had to make him see that Sabrina was no longer a part of his future – not the one Alistair wanted her to be. Tristen needed Alistair to come to terms with it, not just because he wanted her for himself, of course he did, but also because it was in the best interest of Ferelden and the Theirin Throne.
"Alistair… brother, you have got to find a way to work through this and let her go. You are now the King of Ferelden. Even if you managed to convince the Chantry to annul your marriage and even if you managed to soothe over the ruffled feathers of the nobles without starting a civil war; what makes you think that Sabrina would agree to marry you and become Queen? Has she ever once told you that she has aspirations for the throne?"
Alistair remained quiet with his head hung down so Tristen continued gently. "I don't believe she did. She hates everything to do with court and politics. She told you she wanted to rebuild the Grey Wardens and she told you she wanted to rebuild them with you. Her path was set even before Howe killed her family. Duncan went there specifically to recruit her. She was born to command and lead, but not in a throne room playing court politics. You know this Alistair. You say you love her, if you do, then you need to put her needs and desires above your own."
"And if I walk away it works out perfectly for you. Where is your self sacrificing love?" Alistair asked bitterly.
"Alistair, I meant it when I told you that I would have loved her from afar and would have been happy for the two of you, even if it meant my own heartache. If she came running through the main gates right now and said that she chose you, even though it would cripple me with pain, I would stand aside because in the end I just want her to be happy."
"How very noble of you," Alistair said dryly.
"Don't you get it, Alistair? As Grey Wardens, we aren't in this world for long and Sabrina has already lost so much, sacrificed so much, and she has had enough heartache to last a lifetime. What time she has left I want her to be happy." Tristen got to his feet and looked down at his brother. "And if you truly love her, you would want the same thing for her too."
Tristen grabbed his gear and headed back into the Keep leaving Alistair alone to think about what he had said.
The rest of the day the brothers managed to avoid each other. However, as Tristen went over paperwork in Sabrina's study, Alistair knocked and then entered the room. Tristen looked a little surprised to see him.
"Sorry to disturb you," Alistair said.
"You're not disturbing me. What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to let you know that my scouts came back today and said that Dragon Pass is safe to travel. We will be heading back to Denerim in the morning."
Tristen nodded, "Thank you for letting me know." Tristen paused for a minute, then he stood up and walked over to his brother. "I'm glad we finally had a chance to meet, Alistair. I really do hope that at some point we can move past this. I really would like to have a relationship with my brother."
Alistair nodded and was quiet for a moment. "I have some things I need to work through, come to terms with, but I would like to see us reach that point too." Alistair ran his fingers through his hair. Tristen could tell that Alistair had something on his mind that he needed to express. He gestured toward the chairs and both men took a seat.
Alistair leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. He let out a sigh, "Look, it might make it easier if there was some way to control these dreams. I don't think I can handle continually making guest appearance in yours with Sabrina. It's going to slowly drive me crazy."
"I have never been able to control them Alistair. Trust me I have tried. It's not like I wanted to hang out and watch you make love to the same woman I was in love with," Tristen replied.
"Well, now that we are both aware of the connection, maybe we can somehow change it. I mean if it's a dream, if we are aware it's a dream then why can't we put up a wall or walk out of the room," Alistair said.
"Because you are just the observer in the dream, you can't control my subconscious mind," Tristen replied.
"Well, was there ever a time that it was your dream and you were aware that I was there," Alistair asked.
Tristen thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Not all the time, but yes there were times that I realized you were there."
"And have you ever tried to interact with me?"
"No, I thought that might upset you since you didn't know about me," Tristen replied.
"Well, the next time you're in my dream or vice-a-versa let's see if we can interact. If we can somehow learn to control this, it might make it easier."
"I completely agree," Tristen said as both men stood up. Tristen hesitated for a moment and then embraced Alistair. Alistair wavered briefly before he returned the hug.
"I know it hasn't been the easiest introduction and we definitely got off to a rocky start, but I have grown used to you being here. I am going to miss you, brother," Tristen said.
Alistair smiled as he released his brother. "I'm really glad I didn't kill you today. I would have missed you too."
Tristen laughed. "Travel safely. Our mother is coming to Ferelden in the spring and I will bring her down to Denerim."
"Good, thank you. I look forward to meeting her," Alistair replied as he turned to leave.
The following day the bell in the tower sounded, announcing that Wardens had been seen approaching the Keep. Tristen made his way down to the main hall and out into the courtyard just as Nate and Anders rode in. Sabrina was not with them. He moved swiftly to them and took their reins. "Where is the Commander?" He asked.
"Highever," Nate said.
"You let her go to Highever by herself?" Tristen demanded.
"Well, first off she's the Commander so I pretty much have to let her do what she wants, and second she isn't alone," Nate retorted.
Tristen was becoming exasperated with Nate's vague answers so he turned to Anders for an explanation.
"Well, it turns out that the Dark Wolf is actually an Antivan Crow who also happens to be one of her Blight Companions. He accompanied her to Highever," Anders stated.
Tristen recalled an elven assassin from several of Alistair's dreams. Alistair had not trusted the Crow. Not because he feared the assassin would attempt to kill her again, but because the elf was always trying to get Sabrina into bed. This didn't concern Tristen, if she was going to sleep with him, she would have done so already and according to Alistair's dreams the rogue had never been able to succeed in his attempts. What did concern him was that he had been receiving reports about attacks near Highever and he didn't like the idea of her traveling there with just one other companion, even if it was in the company of an accomplished assassin.
For the next three days, Tristen trained the Wardens, handled the paperwork and worried about Sabrina. He tried to remain calm and to be rational. He knew she had to be fine, but he hadn't seen her in five days and they hadn't parted on good terms. He just wanted to hold her, tell her how sorry he was and let her know that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her.
On the morning of the fourth day as he made his way out to the sparring ring, one of the guards rushed up to him. "Warden, from the tower we saw one of the royal guardsmen stumbling down the hill. We sent a guard out to meet him. They should be arriving any minute."
"Go inform Varel and please send for Anders," Tristen said.
Nate joined him as he headed for the courtyard, "What is happening?"
Tristen briefly explained as the horse galloped into the quad. Both men rushed over and helped ease the royal guard down to the ground. The man looked like he had been through a rough battle. He had cuts and bruises all over, but what really concerned Tristen was the open wound in the man's leg. The man had tied a tourniquet around the upper part of his own leg to try and stop the flow of blood, but it hadn't done much good.
Tristen looked up at one of the guards, "Please get some water."
He turned back to the wounded man, "It's going to be okay. I have sent for a mage…"
The guard grabbed Tristan's shirt collar and pulled him close to his face, "They have him…" the man whispered in a raspy breath.
Tristen felt his heart beginning to pound, "They have who?"
"The K-king," he stammered.
A guard handed Tristen a cup of water and Tristen lifted the man's head for him to take a sip. As he held the man, he felt a warm sensation pass from the guard to him. He looked around for the source and saw Anders casting healing spell after healing spell. Anders caught his eyes and shook his head as he mouthed, "Make it quick."
Tristen knew this man was not going to make it. He turned his attention back to him, "Who has the King?"
"T-the…d-dark…spawn."
Tristen's heart was beating a mile a minute as he tried to get control of his racing thoughts.
The guard was starting to lose consciousness. Nate leaned over Tristen's shoulder and gently shook the guard. "Where? Where did this attack happen?"
The guard's eyes fluttered open just briefly, "Near…W-wending Wood." And then he lapsed into unconsciousness.
Tristen looked at Anders and the mage just shook his head sadly. "I can make him comfortable, but he won't make it through the day."
Tristen gently placed the man's head back on the ground and stood up. "Let's get him moved to a more comfortable location. Wardens, we leave for Wending Wood in two hours so pack quickly. Varel, I need you to send word to the Queen informing her of what has happened, and let her know that the Wardens are on their way. Also please let the Quartermaster to get four horses ready. I will be taking Nate and Anders with me and will send a message to the Commander to meet us there. Oghren will handle any Warden business while I am gone," Tristen commanded.
"Why four horses?" Anders asked.
"One for Alistair to return on," Tristen said over his shoulder, as he headed into the Keep.
He overheard Nate whisper, "Overly optimistic of him, don't you think?"
Tristen spun around and took a long step towards Nate so that his face was only inches from his. "Optimistic! He's my brother! We may not have the most solid relationship, but he is still my brother and I must believe he is alive. YOU had a brother Nate. I understand that he died in the final battle, but if there was even a sliver of hope that he was alive would you not grasp at it?"
Nate looked abashed as he slowly nodded his head. "Yes, I would. I'm sorry, Tristen. Your right, we will get the King back."
Once they were on the road, they rode hard all day. About an hour away from Wending Wood, Tristen decided to set-up camp for the night. He didn't think it was wise to enter the Woods at night after the reports that they had received about bandits that were robbing travelers in that vicinity. Once they had the camp ready and eaten dinner, Nate offered to take first watch. Tristen quickly fell into a restless sleep.
Tristen stood in the corner of an unknown room. The room looked ancient with prisoner cages suspended from the ceiling. In the center of the room on a long slab of concrete, Alistair was strapped down and a tall deformed figure leaned over him drawing blood from Alistair's arm. This creature could only be the Architect. He was talking to Alistair, saying that this was the only way to stop the next Blight. Tristen heard the Architect say something about Alistair's blood being strong and in excellent condition, but it was not as strong as hers.
Alistair screamed at the beast, "YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!"
"Oh but I will! She comes to me even as we speak," The Architect replied calmly."
"No!" Alistair yelled at him as the darkspawnemissary turned to leave the chamber.
"Arrrrgh, fuck!" Alistair cried out in frustration as he threw his head back on the table.
Tristen rushed over to him. "Alistair," Tristen said as he touched his brother's arm.
Alistair didn't react to Tristen's touch. He looked up and began to struggle with the restraints that held his arms and legs in place.
Tristen grasped Alistair's shoulders and shook as he yelled, "Alistair!"
Alistair stopped struggling with the straps looked up at him in shock and then comprehension flickered in his eyes. "Tristen? You're here in my dream?"
Tristen nodded, "Yes, where are you?"
"In some type of mine in the Wending Woods. Where is Sabrina?"
"She is on her way. Can you tell me how to find you?" Tristen said.
"Don't worry about me. Keep Sabrina away from here. He wants her. He wants her tainted blood," Alistair cried out.
"What? Why?" Tristen questioned.
"I don't have time to explain. I feel consciousness coming. Keep her away, Tristen. Promise me," Alistair pleaded as the dream began to fade.
Tristen woke with a start, his heart pounding, and sweat running down his brow. Oh brother, I wish I could keep that promise, but if I know her, she is already half-way here.
Author Notes – I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments.
I also want to thank Goddess Beta One – RandomWittering and Goddess Beta Two –Jinx1983 for their fantabulous beta-ing skills, for your support and for being such a great sounding board. You ladies are the best!