Chapter 10:

The Meaning of Pancakes

Beep! Beep! Beep

"Ugh!" said May. The alarm clock ignored her and continued to beep. May groped around on the floor until her hand came into contact with something hard.

"Go to Hell!" she shouted as she chucked it in the direction of the alarm. There was a clunk and the alarm stopped. May sighed.

"Busken! Kencombusbuscomkenbusken!"

May groaned. "What is it Beck?"

And then thirty pounds of black-furred energy landed on her back.

"OOOFF!"

"Raff raff!"

"Midnight!" shouted May. Midnight hopped off her back and May sat up. "What time is it," she groaned. Beck picked up the alarm clock and showed May the face: six seventeen AM. May groaned again. "Midnight! Why did you wake me up!"

"Raff! Raff raff rrrr!"

"If you just said something about the alarm, I'm going to stuff it down your throat."

Midnight lowered his head and whined. May glared at him for a few minutes, then sighed. "All right, I'm up. Let me shower, and then we'll get some breakfast." The pokémon cheered.

May got out of bed and dug through her pack for some clean underwear, then grabbed her toiletries and went into the bathroom. Midnight waited until she closed the door, then turned to Beck.

"Ruff ruff urf?" he aked.

Beck shook his head and smiled. "Com, comkenbusken."

WHUMP! May's red vest hit Beck square on the beak.

"I am too a morning person!" she called from the bathroom.

OOOOOOOO

May and her pokémon sat quietly, concentrating on their food . Sunkis't was outside, sucking nectar from the flower box on the window. Beck sat at the table munching half a stack of pancakes. Midnight munched on some chili from a bowl on the floor. And May sat eating the other half-stack of pancakes. But May wasn't really focusing on her food. She was worrying. It had been a while since she had done anything except exist. She couldn't really remember what normal people did with their lives. She was feeling a bit lost, sitting at the pokémon center in Petalburg, picking at her pancakes.

May chased a bite of pancake around with her fork. She wistfully thought of TJ, and how much she missed him already. She hoped he was okay…passing through Oldale she had heard about a fight in the pokémon center, of all the iniquities, and she hoped he hadn't been caught up in it.

May wasn't really paying attention, so it's understandable that she missed her mouth entirely when she tried to eat a bite of pancake. But understandable though it was, the action was still comical. Several other early-rising trainers saw it, and a subdued chuckle went around the cafeteria. Face burning in embarrassment, May grabbed some to go boxes, packed up everyone's leftovers, and hurried out of the room. Midnight glanced questioningly at Beck, who shrugged his shoulders. The two followed May.

Passing through the entry doors, May turned left and sat down in front of the building. A nice big cherry tree hid her from the main street, and no one could see her from the path. She hugged her knees and bit her lip as a tear slid down her cheek. I'm not ready, she thought. TJ thought I was, but I'm not! I can't do this! I can't even eat properly without screwing up somehow! How can I travel around, manage three other lives in addition to my own, and compete in contests like this? May hung her head in despair.

Sunkis't fluttered over to the cherry tree, expressing disappointment when she saw there weren't any blossoms. Turning around she noticed May huddled against the wall, and touched down on her head. "Eeehhh! Eeehheeeeehh hheeeh?"

May reached up and stroked Sunkis't's body. "At least you guys believe in me, huh Sunkis't," she said sadly.

Beck and Midnight came around the corner and ambled over. Midnight pushed his snout firmly against May's thigh and whined, then hopped in her lap and gave her face a tonguebath. Beck patted her arm. May laughed.

"Watch out Beck," she cautioned, "any more taking care of me and you'll turn into my mother!"

Beck pantomimed horror at the thought. May laughed again.

"Ruff ruff hnn…" commented Midnight.

May sniffed and wiped her nose. "Sorry guys. I'm just having a little trouble believing I can do this. I know you can, but I'm not so sure I'm ready."

Sunkis't hugged her head while chittering softly, Midnight wagged his tail and yipped, and Beck patted her on the back. May smiled again.

"My biggest fans, right guys?"

The three pokémon signalled their assent.

May lay her head back and stared at the clouds. It was a nice day, around seventy degrees and partly cloudy. May watched the clouds roll by and thought of TJ. Abruptly she turned to her pokémon.

"Do you guys believe in God?"

They all nodded yes.

"Really?" she said. "that's funny, I didn't know pokémon had an opinion on God."

Her pokémon looked at each other, then shook their heads. Beck stood up and pantomimed thinking. When he was sure that May had gotten it, he shook his finger. Then he attempted to pantomime something that May couldn't understand.

"You believe in the god of ice cream?" she asked. "No? You think God likes shopping? You're saying God has lots of money? You're saying God gave you something?" Beck paused, then nodded. "Really? What?

Beck attempted to pantomime again, but with limited results. May sighed in frustration. "I'm sorry, you know what you're thinking but I just don't get it."

Beck nodded vigorously.

May stared at him, perplexed. "So, what you're trying to tell me is that you know something, but I'm not getting it?"

Beck nodded again.

"But I thought you said God gave you a-oh!" May stared at her poke̕mon in shock. "You're telling me that you three know, without a doubt, that there is a God? That's the gift God gave you?"

Beck smiled and nodded.

May stared at Beck, then suddenly shivered. "That's kind of creepy".

All three pokémon voiced their version of an indignant squawk. May shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, it is! I mean, come on! We're talking about the existence of a being who knows every single thing you've done wrong! Don't you guys find that thought creepy?" At their blank stares, May huffed in frustration. "Every mistake! Every bad thing you've done! Every bad thing you've thought! Everything that you've done wrong! Everything!" May was shouting now, but she didn't care. Tears were falling from her eyes. "He knows everything about me!"

The three pokémon stood silently, unsure of how to respond. May closed her eyes and leaned her head against her knees, and hiccupped gently with sobs.

"I can't do this…" she sobbed quietly. Midnight nuzzled her gently, whining. May glanced up through her tears, then started sobbing harder. No matter what you show to everyone else, she thought, no matter how hard you try, you're just a second rate hack who needs someone else to do everything for you. You suck You SUCK! YOUSUCKYOUSUCKYOUSUCKYOUSUCKYOUSUCK…!

Midnight howled quietly. May looked up with tears in her eyes. "It's no use pretending, guys. I can't do this. Someone will always see through the act to what I really am. I'm going down, and if you stick around you'll go with me. Jump ship, guys."

All three pokémon wrapped themselves around her leg.

"Don't you guys get it?" said May. "I'm a mess! I can't do this! The only real hope for me is to go down as quietly and as un-messily as possible! I don't want to ruin your lives as well as mine!"

May's pokémon wrapped themselves around her leg even tighter. May sniffled.

"You know," she said in a low, rough voice, "you know what scares me the most?"

Her pokémon all shook their heads.

"I'm scared of the prospect of an afterlife."

Beck looked up and shot her a 'what-the-h$&!' look.

"Well, I haven't really done very well in this life, have I?"

Her pokémon all shook their heads.

"So how am I going to do much better in the next life?"

Beck detached himself from her leg. He held his beak, as if in deep thought. Then he rummaged around in May's pack for a moment and pulled out the Bible her mother had given her.

"Great," said May, "I ask for help and my Combusken gets preachy on me. Fantastic. Really." She sighed. "So if I just read that book and follow the instructions, I'll be fine? I have news for you…I'M NOT GOOD AT THAT! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE UP TO SOME STUPID ANCIENT IDIOT'S IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO…wait," she caught herself. Then May started crying. "You see? I'm sorry Beck, I'm not mad at you. I'm just screwed up. I can't do this. Why do you bother with me?"

Beck hung his head in despair. Sunkis't chittered angrily and gestured at May. She proceeded to go through a series of complicated aerial maneuvers, chittering all the while.

"Sunkis't," said May, "I have no idea what you just said."

Sunkis't began to chitter again, but Beck interrupted her. "Busken, combusken buscomcosken. Com busken bus ken bus ken ken."

Sunkis't flittered around angrily, then settled atop May's head in a huff. Midnight crawled into her lap and curled up in a little ball, and Beck sat next to her and encircled her waist again. May smiled sadly.

"Look guys," she started, "I underst-" Beck silenced her with a claw. May gaped, worked her mouth a few times. She tried to speak, but only squeaks came out. So she sat in silence. She listened to the wind whisper around her. She listened to the Taillow in the trees chirp away happily. She listened to the muted murmur of trainers inside the Pokémon Center. May listened, and was still. The world seemed to stop moving, stop being, until she felt like there was nothing but the grass, and the cherry tree, and her and her pokémon. For a long time they sat, then May bowed her head. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she shuddered as if fighting a battle within her chest. Beck glanced at Sunkis't and Midnight meaningfully, and they all clung tightly to May. The storm couldn't be far off.

And it wasn't. With a mournful howl, May broke down and began to cry. Sobs racked her body and made it difficult for her pokémon to cling to her. May clutched her knees to her body and gulped for air. She wished she was dead. She felt with all of her being that she was a curse on the ones she loved and a torture to be around in general. Surface pain, deep pain, hidden pain, buried pain, ancient, secret pain, more types and kinds of pain flowed out of, flowed through May than words can ever describe.

After a time, May's wracking sobs lessened just the tiniest bit. After more time, they lessened a bit more. Bit by bit May slowed down until she stopped altogether. It seemed as if the hospital wall and the cherry tree separated her from the rest of the world. May looked up and stared off into space. What now? She thought. She felt numb inside, empty. Her body was restless, as if she were poised at the edge of a great precipice, about to dive off into the unknown at the bottom. Curious, she looked around her. A zephyr whipped past her.

"…VE Y-"

May glanced around. I could have sworn I heard something, she thought.

"MAY…"

May trembled with fear. "Show yourself, stranger!"

"MAY…" whispered the wind, "MAY, I LOVE YOU…"

May waited for the voice to whisper more. When she was certain it was finished speaking, she sighed and placed her head on her knees again. Whoever the voice was—God, whispered her mind, it had said what she didn't want to hear. She felt like crying again, but the part of her soul that produced tears was empty. She wasn't really sure what to do next. She was wondering idly if she could just sit there forever and not move when something metal and cold poked her cheek.

"What the heck?" May looked at Beck; he was holding a fork in one hand, and her leftover pancakes in the other. He motioned toward her mouth with the fork, then held out the pancake box. May laughed brightly.

"You really are turning into my mother, Beck!" she said. But there was no sting in her words. She took the fork and leftovers from Beck and started eating. Beck smiled, then dug out the rest of the leftovers from her pack and the Maple family finished eating. Then May laughed again.

"Sorry guys. I lost my way for a bit. I guess it took you three to help me find it again. Thanks." She glanced at the empty Styrofoam box at her feet. "All this over some pancakes. I feel so silly." She was silent for a moment. "You know what guys? I've been an idiot. Every time something doesn't go right for me, I've just fallen down and quit. I'm getting pretty tired of it, how 'bout you?" Her pokémon nodded in assent. May smiled. "Well, I'm done. No more giving up when the going gets tough. I'm just gonna bite that bullet, buckle down, and eat those pancakes with pride."

The three pokémon laughed, and May laughed with them. "From now on it's the four of us-" Beck cleared his throat and surreptitiously patted her bible. "Sorry, the five of us against the world. Okay?"

The pokémon cheered. May smiled, and she was unerringly certain that somewhere, God was smiling too.

OOOOOOOO

May and her pokémon walked into the Petalburg Gym chatting and laughing. Her brother turned and smiled.

"Hi May!" he shouted. "Dad's in the middle of a battle, wanna watch?"

"Sure!"

May followed Max into the back of the Gym. Her father was commanding Slakoth against a tough-looking Treeko and his trainer. So far, neither was giving any ground in what appeared to be a fierce battle.

"GO DAD!" cheered Max.

Norman Maple looked up at his son, then his face brightened. "May! I'm so glad to see you're all right!"

As he called his daughter's name, his opponent glanced back, and May's eyes shone like stars. "TJ!" she cried. Looking back to her father she said, "dad, this is the boy mom told you about, the one who—dad?"

May looked from one face to another. TJ looked upset, but it was nothing compared to her father, who looked positively murderous. And he was staring straight at TJ.

"Dad?" asked may questioningly.

And then Slakoth dove at Ranger with a savage snarl.