The Strong One

Chapter Two

" 'You know it wasn't four months but more like forty years…'"

Sam Winchester still cussed himself for not stopping the conversation the moment his older brother began it with those damn words.

Glowering at his unhelpful laptop, Sam felt like shoving it and the barely touched lunch off the table in the diner he'd been sitting in most of the day to do his research but curbed his impatience and blamed it on a lack of sleep, stress and never knowing which side of his brother he'd wake up to. The sullen moody who didn't want to talk at all side or the sullen, angry blame everything on what happened while he was in Hell side.

Things had been stressed ever since Dean finally decided to reveal some of the details about the four months he'd been…gone and Sam could cheerfully slam his head into the roof of the damn Impala for even pushing Dean for answers to something he clearly had not been ready to talk about.

Sam had quickly figured out when his normally strong willed, strong minded, independent older brother kept waking up screaming that something was wrong but he allowed himself to believe Dean's line about it just being exhaustion or Bobby's weak excuse that his brother was suffering some sort of latent PTSD.

The truth was, Sam didn't want to accept that his role model growing up, the man who had always been so strong for him, for their family, wasn't the same as he was before going to Hell…for Sam. He hated the thought that the big brother that he had wanted to be so much alike, the big brother that he still idolized had come back so broken and he knew he was still so far from understanding how broke Dean truly was. He hadn't known or suspected until after they had saved that family and Dean finally spoke and Sam knew he'd regret that moment for the rest of his life.

Finding out that while he'd thought the separation between them had been a mere four months for him but a brutal agony forty years for Dean had been hard to hear and Sam wished to God he had stopped Dean right there but he hadn't. He had let his already depressed, sullen traumatized brother relive in words about the thirty years he'd suffered endless torment before finally losing the will the fight and Sam knew right there was another of Dean's problems.

Dean had always been the strong one. He had always protected Sam as best he could, be it from bullies in school, to their own Dad at times but he had always been the strong one. The one people looked to when they needed something only this time it was Dean who had needed someone to be strong for him and he'd been alone. Alone in Hell to be tortured, to suffer through all of Alastair's torments until finally he couldn't fight it and he'd given up the strength that had made Dean Winchester the man he'd always been and in a way he was still lost.

Sam rubbed his eyes as all his research that Dean had sent him to do blurred together and he wished he could chuck it all but he didn't want to disappoint his brother more than he already seemed to have. Dean had withdrawn more from him since telling him what had happened in Hell and Sam wasn't certain if it was because he was ashamed at what he had done to survive while in the Pit or if he was still furious with the changes in Sam.

Ruby said it was the latter but then it had been Ruby who had pushed for Sam to get Dean to tell him about his time in Hell. 'It will help him start to heal' she'd told Sam who now rolled his eyes that thought. Telling him about Hell had made Dean worse because that night Sam was glad he'd refused to meet with Ruby or else he wasn't sure what would have happened.

Nodding to the waitress who refilled his ice tea once more, Sam remembered a familiar sense of childhood fear when he found his brother curled in the bathroom of their motel with the taps running to cover the sounds he was making. As a child he had known a lot of Dean's bravery and strength had been for his benefit since he remembered finding his idol like this then too. Only sitting beside him until Dean had become aware of Sam's presence usually pulled him back from the edge of what Sam would later come to understand was his brother's near attempts to take his own life.

Now though, Dean had closed himself off from Sam, which scared the younger man more than he wanted to admit. Sam had gotten used to being the strong one, of taking care of himself so it was hard after Dean first returned to slip back into the roles that Dean was more at ease with and that caused more stress since it left them more open to that damn Siren.

Reaching up to touch the faint mark that was still there from the knife his brother had held at his throat while under the Siren's control, Sam knew they were both still dealing with that mess since under its control both he and Dean had said things that probably would've been best left unsaid.

He didn't mean it when he had told his already emotionally reeling brother that he thought he was weak and that out of the two of them Sam was the better hunter. He hadn't meant any of the crap that he'd said, just like he knew that Dean hadn't meant what he had said but it also didn't mean that none of the words hadn't hurt. Sam was still glad that Bobby had shown up when he had but patching them up physically hadn't patched up all the emotional wounds.

They were still dealing with those on top of Pamela's death when the damn Angels decided to throw Dean's past back in his face by making him torture Alastair and Sam had known that whole plan was a bad idea.

Despite what he wanted to believe, what he needed to make himself think, the hunter in him knew that his brother just was not the man he once was. Dean was not strong like before and if he was forced to torture the very demon who had cut and sliced on him, who had probably done so much more since Sam wasn't foolish enough to think that Dean had told him everything about those thirty years, then another chunk of his brother would be destroyed and it had.

Wincing, Sam still didn't want to think about the hours he'd spent in that hard hospital chair while waiting for Dean to wake up nor did he want to remember how lifeless and bloody his brother had been in that damn room after Alastair broke free and nearly killed him. Of course, he'd never tell Dean about that. He'd just take his brother's bitter silence after Castiel informed Dean of how Sam dealt with the demon who had dealt such pain to his brother in Hell and wish that he could have caused him half of what Dean must have felt but despite what Ruby often encouraged, Sam wasn't that cold.

Automatically reaching for his wrist where he once wore a black rubbery like bracelet, Sam dropped his hand to go back to typing in the search box but found he couldn't focus for some reason today. He didn't like the way his thoughts kept going back to Dean, especially when he'd been trying for the past few weeks to avoid thinking too much of how things had changed between them.

For Sam, his earliest memories hadn't been of Mommy or Daddy taking care of him but his big brother. Four years old and Dean had known what to do for him even more or better than John Winchester had and Sam supposed he had felt some resentment toward John for that. Not for his sake but for Dean's since taking care of him had also robbed Dean of something…his childhood.

'Not that Dean ever would see it like that,' he muttered sourly, once again wishing things could be as simple as they had been…after Stanford. Even reeling from Jessica's death, Sam recalled that his brother had always been there for him even when he had just wanted to be alone with his grief.

Sam dug into his jacket pocket for something he'd pulled from the bottom of his duffel bag a few days earlier. Smoothing years of wrinkles out, he stared at the shaky writing of his eight-year-old self when asked to write a paper on the strongest person he knew, his big brother.

He remembered reading it aloud in class and then being confused when John pulled them out of school the next day and moved on to another town, another school after a scathing lecture on never calling attention to them like that ever again.

His Father's anger had been something Sam expected since he hadn't wrote about him, the harsh lecture was also something he'd gotten used to but having his paper balled up and thrown away hurt. He thought it had been lost forever until after Dean's deal had come due and he'd reluctantly gone through his brother's belongings only to find the wrinkled paper carefully folded in one of the duffel's side pockets along with several of Sam's other drawings and school pieces…including every report card and his acceptance letter to Stanford.

Already an emotional mess after burying his brother finally, Sam knew he had lost full control that night upon finding things that he believed his Dad had thrown out only to learn that Dean had cared enough to save them.

Tracing a crease on the paper, Sam considered bringing up the stuff he'd found but then decided against it. Since his return, Dean's emotions were more closed off than even when they'd been kids and Sam guessed he now knew why or at least a part of the reason why that was.

Dean still wanted the little brother he had left behind and Sam was finding it hard to be that man again, especially given the things he'd been doing lately so that was why the Siren had been able to snare Dean so easily. Now Sam was dealing with the daily consequences since he knew his apology wasn't good enough and Dean's moods were getting unpredictable.

Like this morning. It had only been a few days since he'd been released from the hospital after Alastair had nearly killed him but as soon as he was out Dean had them coming to this tiny river front town in Louisiana on a case that so far Sam was having no luck in researching.

On most mornings since learning about the Seals, the Angels and all that other stuff, Dean woke up grumpy, sullen and growling if Sam spoke a single word. This morning, on the other hand, his brother had been almost his old self which worried Sam for some reason he couldn't put his finger on. He knew he should be happy that Dean had gotten up first, went out for actual crappy diner breakfast and coffee and spoke normally. He still hadn't called him 'Sammy' which was something that really bugged Sam despite his hate for that nickname but something about the morning still put Sam's warning sensors out.

Deciding to give up on the research, Sam shut his computer down. Trying to choke the rest of his lunch down when his cell phone rang, he picked it up and was surprised at his disappointment that it wasn't Dean calling to see what he'd found out.

"Hey, Bobby," he greeted the Winchesters' mentor with as much energy as he could pull up suddenly while motioning for the waitress after a quick decision to take his brother back a piece of pie as some form of peace offering. "What's up?"

"Where the hell you idjits at?" the gruff no nonsense tone of Bobby Singer snapped over the crackling speaker. "I thought I told you once you got Dean released to head my way."

Guessing he should've been expecting this call, Sam winced like a kid caught with a cookie before dinner. "You know how Dean is, Bobby. He found this case down in the bayous that he wanted to look into but between you and me, I think it's a bust or…"

The sound of what sounded like Bobby hurling curses over a muffled mouthpiece could be heard before the older hunter came back on the line. "Sam, have you called Dean today?"

"Not yet, I was getting ready to before I head back," Sam admitted, pointing to the type of pie he'd like while packing his computer up and trying not to drop his phone. "I…I always call him before I go back just in case…I mean…"

"In case what, Sam?" Bobby knew he shouldn't have let those boys out of his sight after that Siren deal but nooo, he listened to them say they were fine. "In case he didn't want you to come back?"

Eyes looking back at the report again before slipping it back in his jacket, Sam sighed. "Just in case, Bobby," he really didn't know why he'd started calling Dean. It had started when he first got back from Hell. Then the calls had been just to let his brother know he wasn't alone and to check on Dean. Now, he called because he did want to be sure Dean was still there and that it was alright for Sam to come back since there hadn't been a morning that he honestly didn't expect Dean to walk out…especially after the Siren case or finding out that Sam used his powers to kill Alastair. "Did you want something, have a case that might be more exciting than what I'm…"

"Sam, there ain't no case where you're at," Bobby had been hoping he was wrong but after hearing the message he got when calling the older Winchester to learning that Sam had been sent to research a job that wasn't legit he knew he wasn't wrong. He knew that he had to get Sam back to Dean in a damn hurry.

"Say what?" Sam blinked, laying money down to cover the bill and a good tip before grabbing his computer bag and the sack carrying two pieces of pie. "No, Dean said there was a ghost or…"

This time there was no mistaking the sound of Bobby slamming his head into the desk along with a good long curse about Winchesters. "I swear, every damn time I thank God that you boys didn't get your brains from your Daddy one of you remind me that at times you are John's sons!" he snapped, looking for his keys while trying to trace the GPS in Sam's phone. "Call that idjit you call a brother, get your ass back to the motel and Sam? For once in your life, think before you open that mouth."

Staring at the phone in his hand, Sam muttered under his breath but tossed everything into the Impala's backseat before sitting behind the wheel and hit speed dial on his phone to call his brother with the intention of asking what he wanted brought back for dinner. Listening to the ringing continue after three rings made his concern go up a notch since normally Dean picked up on the first ring even lately but this time he heard the phone go over to voicemail and scowled.

Hating to leave a message on his brother's phone, Sam was about to hang up rather than listen to the normal message when instinct had him hanging on but instead of the standard Dean Winchester message that had been on this phone ever since Dean got it Sam heard a totally different message…

" 'Hey, it's Dean. If you're getting this…well don't bother leaving a message cause I won't get it. Sam, since I know this is you listen to the tape in the glove box and there's something in the trunk for you too. I'm sorry it came to this, kiddo. Take it easy.'" the message clicked off to leave Sam speechless and confused until finally he leaned over to open the Impala's glove box and found what appeared to be a brand new home made cassette tape with his name scrawled in his brother's handwriting and this morning's date on it.

"Son of a bitch," he growled, waiting to put the take in to go dig in the trunk but was surprised when he popped it to find that the usually messy trunk looked more organized and a medium sized box that was actually wrapped sat as if waiting for him. "What the hell, Dean?" Sam muttered, taking the box without opening it yet back inside the car to put the tape into the car's player and swallowed the lump that formed the moment he heard his older brother's voice come from the speakers.

" 'Morning, Sunshine. Damn, you remember when just dealing with crap like the Mystery Spot was the worst we had'" Dean Winchester's easy voice still sounded strained to the little brother who had grown up able to pinpoint every change in emotion. When he blew out a breath, turning serious and Sam's caution turned to full red alert by the time his brother began speaking again. " 'By the time you hear this you'll probably have figured out that there ain't a case around here. Just swamp water and 'gators which suits the ultimate purpose of coming down here but first…

"Sam, there's a couple things I need you to know and the first of those is that this ain't your fault. I'm making the decision to do what I never could when we were kids because if I had it would've left you alone with Dad and I wasn't willing to do that. I did what I could to give you the life that I could and while it wasn't what you wanted it was the best I could give. I hope that it was enough at one point because I know it's not now so I'm not going to force you to stick around but damn, kid…sometime in the time I was gone Dad's latent personality came out in you and it's all duty and obligation. I'm not your duty, Sam. I'm not something that you have to watch over just because I screwed up. I'm your brother…I'm just sorry that I'm still not the brother you could look up to.'" Dean's voice shook now despite the effort he was clearly making to record this calmly and Sam could hear the sound of his brother tapping his fingers nervously on the steering wheel.

Wiping a hand over his eyes to clear them, Sam wasn't surprised to feel the tears but he was afraid worse was to come when he heard Dean's voice break finally. " 'The second thing I need you to know is…you were right. I am weaker now and you sure as hell are a better hunter than I am which scares me to death since I really didn't want this life for you. Hell, I tried everything I could think of to keep you out of this life but in the end it was my fault because I was the one who wasn't strong enough to leave you out of it. That night in Stanford when you told me that I could find Dad on my own and I told you that yeah, but I didn't want to…I meant that. I was so damn tired of being alone, Sam because from the time you were six months old to the night I took you to the bus stop it had been just you and me and…I might've been the strong one but it was harder being strong when it was just me. So, here it is in full chick flick moment, little brother…

" 'I never resented you. I never hated or resented that I lost my childhood to pretty much raise you since Dad sucked in the father area. I did what I had to so we both survived and while I wish I had done a couple things differently I can't change those now. I wish I would've stood up to Dad more for you but Sam I deflected what I could and for reasons that you don't need to know. You think no one was proud of you for doing well enough to get a full ride at college? Hell, I would've shouted it to anyone we knew…if we had actually known anyone but Caleb got tired of hearing it after about six months and threatened to shoot me if I mentioned your name again.

" 'The night you won that fancy award for something your first semester at Stanford, I was so damn proud of you, little brother. Yeah, I stood in the back of that auditorium as you got the award but I knew it was best for you to stay out of the life so I dropped something off at your dorm and left but I was never really ever that far away from California, Sam.'"

Sam blinked the tears away now as he listened to the breaking voice of the brother that he had only recently seen cry and while the tape itself was alarming, the knowledge that Dean had been at school when he received that award was even more shocking. He could recall the loneliness he felt at that time in his life and how much he had wanted to call his brother but fear of getting John on the phone had always stopped him or that Dean wouldn't want to talk to him when something else Dean said dawned on him. He dropped something…

"Damn," Sam whispered, closing his eyes at how stupid he'd been. He'd returned to his dorm room after the ceremony to find a plain wrapped box outside his room. After doing the usual hunter inspection since he was still too cautious not to, he found the latest edition of a series of books he'd always read inside along with several hundred dollars.

Sam had believed that one of his few friends had left the gift since they knew he was always running short on cash and hadn't gotten around to finding a used copy of the book yet but no one seemed to know where it had come from. Now he did and that brought his attention back to the package in his shaking hands and the still running tape.

He noticed that Dean had began to ramble on about things from their childhood that would mean something to both of them as Sam opened the box and felt his breath stop. He still enjoyed reading which was a guilty habit his big brother used to love teasing him about but it was hard hauling around books in the Impala so he normally had to settle for online reading while in between jobs.

Now as he touched the latest paperback of his favorite series, he noticed a slimmer package in the bottom of the box and Sam stared at the slim ebook reader and accessories along with an envelope that carried what Sam knew without opening it would be every cent in both Dean's wallet and their emergency fund. Still staring at the box, Sam finally noticed the tape had switched sides and Dean's husky voice was back, only now it was sounding quieter, more tired.

" 'I hope you know how to use that thing, Sam because the lady at the store swore it had all the books in that series you always read and more. I just thought it was easier to lug around in your duffel than all those books though you'll have more room now. It's for your birthday since by now we both know I won't be around to see it. I wish I could give you more but you'll be alright. Hell, you survived better without me than you have with me since I got dragged back by the Angel patrol and since Cas will probably show up yelling, I want you to call Bobby. I want you to let Bobby do the salt and burn thing, Sam. It's over. You and Alastair were right. Hell broke me and I can't pretend to be strong anymore. Not like the man I was, the guy who raised his little brother. Dad never broke, I did because I wouldn't give that sonuvabitch the chance to…anyway, this was my way to say goodbye…to say that I've always been proud of you…even though your taste in women these days suck…okay, bad imagery and…take care of yourself. I love you, Sammy'"

Barely able to jerk the door to the Impala open before he lost what lunch he'd eaten, Sam kept hearing his brother's broken voice over and over in his head as everything came crashing down on him. He realized why his brother had been so cheerful this morning, why he wanted Sam out doing research, why he'd…why before Sam walked out the door Dean had called him back long enough to slap him in the back of the head like he used to. It had been Dean's way of saying…

"Oh, hell no. You are not doing this to me," Sam growled, viciously slashing at his eyes while starting the car with one hand and speed dialing with the other even though he knew it was useless to keep calling his brother's phone.

Desperate enough to call even Ruby if he thought she could get to Dean in time, Sam swore violently when even that call went to voice and his shout to Castiel went unanswered, the young hunter calculated the distance between the diner and the motel but knew if Dean had acted shortly after Sam left this morning then… "No, Dean is not a damn coward. He wouldn't kill himself, he wouldn't leave…"

Terror filled Sam's heart as he realized that his own actions probably helped to push his brother to this choice. He had all but come out and told Dean he doubted him, that he wasn't the same, the he wasn't the same man who had sold his soul for Sam. Sam had also just given Dean more reason to doubt him by sneaking off with Ruby or spending time with her when it used to be just them.

"Damn it!" slamming a hand against the wheel, Sam veered the car dangerously close in a turn and knew if Dean was himself and found out about that move he'd pay for it painfully. Even knowing that Dean was still recovering, Sam was used to thinking of his brother as the strong one even when he wasn't. Now Sam would have to be strong for both of them or risk losing everything.

Hearing tired squeal on blacktop as he swerved into the parking lot of their motel, Sam hurriedly parked the car in front of their room and was barely aware of shutting the engine off or locking the car before he slammed through the door. "Dean!"

The shout seemed to echo back at him which nearly made Sam panic more when he noticed the closed bathroom door, the already packed duffel bags by their beds as if his brother had been making it all easier for Sam and finally he noticed the manila envelope on his pillow.

"Dean, where the hell are you?" Sam shouted while grabbing the envelope to dump its contents on the bed and dropped to his knees with a sob. The small gold amulet on its leather cord was the Christmas gift that Sam had given Dean when he was twelve. The silver ring that his brother always wore and two sets of rubbery bracelets were among the final items and Sam knew that one set was his brother's and the other was his…the one he buried with Dean. "Dean!"

Shoving to his feet, panic blurring his thoughts as tears blurred his vision Sam had taken a running step toward the bathroom door when he heard the shot.

BANG!

TBC

A/N: One more chapter.