I know, right? Two chapters in one day! Le gasp! You've never done that before, Zetsubel!

But the first chapter got FIVE REVIEWS! In less than twenty-four hours! That's like a new crack record for me! So here you go! This one, Kakuzu is more likely to be OOC, because I wanted to inject a little more humor, and... Well. Kakuzu's not a humorous person. Period. Hidan makes an appearance! XD This'll probably be the last chapter. Make this a two-shot. Might do a lemon, but DO NOT EXPECT ONE. It's been YEARS since I wrote a lemon.

Who should I do a Hinata oneshot with next? It's gotta be crack-erific, though, remember that. I like SasuHina, but I'm getting sick on it. I need RARE crack to feed my addiction.

Craddle Robber

Kakuzu's arm didn't relent in the least the rest of the walk to her neighborhood. He hadn't been this obvious about the two of them since she rescued him six months ago from Hidan and Deidara in a bar.

He was an incredible heavyweight, but somehow his two co-workers had managed to wrangle him into 70% proof shit he wasn't even sure was legal.

Probably not. Lucky that Hinata and her gang of friends had walked by the bar the moment he was being dragged out. Lucky that Hinata paused and met his hazy eyes. Lucky that she knew the pressure point in his neck to knock him out. The next day he was outside her school waiting for her, looking positively terrifying. She asked how she could help him, and actually admonished him for nearly being thrown in jail for no real reason. His thunderous expression never changed, but he did see her logic. The law would seize his nice sum in the bank if he ended up in prison for murder. Illegal murder, anyway.

She told HIM to behave from now on, and went home.

Things just kind of… Took off, from there. Her association with the Uchiha brothers and new friendship with the flaming gay Deidara meant they saw a lot more of each other. When the younger members of Akatsuki and their girlfriends ran off for festivals and Kakuzu was volunteered (bribed) to chaperone, Hinata offered to come along. Sasuke was going, with Itachi there to look after him, which meant that Sakura was going, which meant Ino was going, and that automatically invited the rest of their gang along for the ride.

It wasn't like he would stop any of the kids from getting drunk, anyway. They all looked legal enough, and it wasn't his problem what they drank so long as they didn't break anything or anyone that he or Akatsuki would have to pay for. He'd be a poor bookkeeper if that wasn't his priority.

While everyone else dispersed as soon as they hit the screaming crowds, as he was used to, she lagged behind and kept him in her peripheral. Eventually it was just the two of them. She jumped at groping hands taking advantage of a pretty young thing all by her lonesome. Kakuzu made no offers to help and made a beeline for one of the bar-and-grills that looked less crowded. She should have stayed with her friends if she didn't like it. Or better yet, stayed home. He didn't offer help, but he didn't shake her off when she latched onto the sleeve of his sweater, either. The crowd gave the gruesome looking man a wide birth, and Hinata seemed to gravitate toward him for the protection. Even after that little vacation, she sat closer to him than any other male during group gatherings. It wasn't something he took much notice of, but accepted in stride. They fell into a comfortable acquaintanceship that everyone BUT the two of them seemed to question.

Then, one day, Kakuzu did question it. Hinata had looked up at him with a small clear smile and said, "I don't think I'm suppose to understand why. It just happened."

He just grimaced and took that in stride, too.

A jerk on his arm brought his attention back to the snowy street and the petite high schooler pressed to his side. He looked down, then followed her gaze backwards. They passed her front gate. So what?

She just sighed and followed him blindly in that infuriatingly trusting way she always did. But, he relented, at least it was only him that Hinata trusted so faithfully. She'd be a worthless idiot to trust just anyone like that.

"Kakuzu."

He kept her tight against his side, and grunted. "How long before you're missed?"

"Are you k-kidnapping me?"

"That'd be one helluva ransom, wouldn't it."

She buried her face against the cold material of his coat with a smile. "A-an hour or two.. I d-did skip club today.."

"Flower-pressing is not a club. It's a waste of time."

She answered with a finger tap to the back of his coat, right over the spot of a little-known pressure point that would cause him to go numb from the waist down. He hissed in warning. She hummed pleasantly.

He didn't bother warning her about the state of his apartment building. If she didn't like it, she could walk away. But she just asked if he had anything hot to drink as they trudged up the steps, kicking snow off their boots as they went.

Kakuzu waited for her to remove her boots at the door the way he did. He'd die before ruining perfectly good carpets. Thankfully his neighbors were minding their own damn business today and he ushered Hinata inside without having to answer any questions.

He carefully hung his outerwear on the coat rack and headed for the small kitchen while she removed her coat and black school blazer. Kakuzu flipped light switches as he went, Hinata following closely to preserve warmth.

The front door entered into the living room. Against the wall opposite the front door was a small dining table and four chairs. The kitchen was open, with just a half-wall separating it from the dining area. To the right, next to the big screen TV was a hall that lead to the bedroom, bathroom, a laundry room. The walls were white as the day they were painted, roughly patterned to give it character, and the carpets were soft, but a cheap grey color. The loveseat, couch, and lay-z-boy were all dark maroon, but obviously clean when she ran her hand over the back of the couch. The TV was surprisingly new, considering this was Kakuzu's place. She half expected an old black and white model with rabbit ears. Something you could find at a garage sale for five bucks.

But no, Kakuzu had a run-down apartment full of inexpensive yet comfortable things. He made up for it, apparently, by forgoing heating of any kind. At least he listened to her outside. He was already filling a small pot full of water from the kitchen sink and setting it on the stove. Hinata tapped the power button on the TV for some background sound. It wasn't the first time she had been in Kakuzu's apartment. She managed to leave club early enough once a week to spend an hour or two with him without interruption. A few times when the weather wouldn't permit a walk or something, they would spend time at his place. Never alone before, though. Hidan used the place to crash sometimes. Just to piss Kakuzu off. He always managed to be there whenever Hinata visited.

Kakuzu gave her a disapproving leer from the corner of his eye. Hinata raised both brows. "I didn't turn any lights on so the TV could b-be on. I kn-know you're trying to cut the electricity bill in half."

True. The light from outside was still enough to keep the apartment bright enough to walk around. He exhaled sharply and headed back to the living room as she brought down two of the three mugs in his cup cabinet. She smiled softly in satisfaction and filled one mug with cocoa powder, the other with his instant cappuccino mix. He just couldn't stand to have the TV on with no one watching it. His obsessive habits were disturbingly endearing.

He gruffly brought up the subject of school. Hinata chewed her lip and curled her fingers into her sleeves. Her cheeks flushed brightly, and she was glad to be facing away from him as she watched bubbles gather along the metal in the water. Regular P.E. classes were being put on hold, replaced for a month with anatomy and.. And..

"W-we started a new class.."

"At this time of year?" He sounded bored as he flipped through channels mindlessly. It killed him to waste time doing nothing, but for her, he could stomach an hour or two of laziness.

She nodded slowly. "Th-the gym is too cold in the winter, so…"

"Isn't that why you physically strain yourself in physical education?"

Hinata smiled widely, twisted the stove off and poured the steaming water into each of their mugs while Kakuzu muttered to himself about 'spoiled kids anymore'. The leftover water was left to cool down. Kakuzu would use it later to water his African violet, a gift from Konan that Hinata convinced him to keep with that reasoning in mind. People all over the world were dying from dehydration. Why waste the water?

She stirred the drinks, then joined him on the couch, offering the blue mug while she warmed her hands with her red one. He made no move to be any closer. Hinata shifted closer instead, her back against his side, used to this. Kakuzu would never instigate contact unless provoked, but she was the only person he allowed prolonged physical contact with. Welcomed it, if his arm coming around her waist was anything to go by.

They were quiet for a few minutes, watching something called Sister Wives. Hinata furrowed her eyebrows and did a girly Deidara grunt. Kakuzu glanced down at the top of her head as she sipped her hot chocolate, free hand absently tracing the stitch scars on his forearm. This wasn't the kind of domestic life he wanted or was really comfortable with, but it was entertaining to have the time to just sit and observe her.

He looked thoughtfully back at the screen. "I can see the pros in marrying sisters," he said, facing the TV, but watching for her reaction.

"I only see the cons," she mumbled crossly, stutter absent.

Kakuzu let the pause afterwards stretch, then asked quite innocently, "Your sister's name is Hanabi, right?"

Hinata's head whipped around, eyes wide and jaw hanging. "D-d-don't even-"

He kissed her soundly. She grumbled against his hard lips and clenched both hands around the mug, craning her neck forward imploringly. He licked her chapped bottom lip and pulled away. Kakuzu plucked her now empty mug from her hands and hauled himself up to take the mugs to the kitchen. Hinata sat breathing heavily through her nose, staring without seeing at the flashing TV screen, face so dark Kakuzu thought at first she might pass out.

"What are you learning now instead of throwing giant plastic balls at each other?" he asked on his way back. He sounded just the smallest bit pleased with himself, although his expression never relaxed from it's dark scowl.

It looked painful, but her face grew even darker. Hinata looked down at her lap and mumbled incoherently. Kakuzu's brow twitched in irritation. "What?"

"S-sex Education," she yelped, clenching her fists until her knuckles popped.

"…. Oh?"

She lifted her head slowly, peering at him through her fringe. "Uh…"

He sounded slightly interested. For Kakuzu, that was too interested.

"Look at me," Kakuzu commanded icily.

Hinata looked up with wide eyes as he bent at the waist, hands resting on her shoulders as his forehead brushed hers. Was it her imagination or was her vision growing black around the edges?

"What have you learned so far?" he asked, breath feathering her lips, not whispering, not lowering his voice any. Just talking. It still made the baby-fine hairs on the back of her neck stand up. He observed with all the curiosity of a science professor who was seeing a new variation of the exact same volcano experiment he was forced to grade every semester.

Hinata trembled visibly and tried to keep her face hidden under her fringe, ears turning red. That was new, he noted absently. His thumb brushed her rapidly beating jugular. His rough lips almost brushed her nose as he nudged his forehead to hers. The sound of the front door slamming open startled her into spouting the class's first lesson.

"Every year, roughly nine million new sexually transmitted infections occur among teens and young adults in the Land of Fire. Compared with rates among teens in Suna and Kumo, rates of Gonorrhea and Chlamydia among Konoha teens are extremely high," she burst out loudly.

Hidan froze on the threshold. A strained silence fell between the three. Kakuzu cut a dangerous, promising glare Hidan's way. The silver-haired zealot stared wide-eyed at the mortified Hyuuga, who's face was now buried in her hands.

"Hidan…"

"Yeah, yeah. You're gonna fucking kill me. I know. But if that's the shit that gets your jailbait girlfriend off, Kakuzu, you've got a lot more important problems to deal with than me, seriously."

I wanted to wait until Sunday to post this, because I didn't feel it would get much attention, and because Sister Wives doesn't premiere on TLC till then. But I still know it's gonna piss me off.