Dragon Age II: Defiance

By: Shadow Chaser

Author's Notes:

This will be a FemHawke/Anders story with a mage background. Carver was sent to the Grey Wardens and my Origins import had the Hero of Ferelden as a female Circle of Magi/Alistair pairing. Alistair also became the King of Ferelden by marrying Queen Anora. Fenris and Merrill were both rivals and I lost Isabela during the Qunari campaign. Sebastian vowed to find Anders and hunt him down after Hawke convinced him to be a part of the Chantry instead of retaking Starkhaven.

Story:

Chapter 3 – The Duality

Isabela's impish grin was still on her face as Marian allowed a genuine smile to appear on her own face. "Hello Hawke," she greeted them, "even those cloaks can't hide who you really are…"

"What gave me away?" Marian asked.

"Actually not you, but Bianca," she jabbed a thumb at Varric's crossbow, "I always knew that Varric would want to stick with you just to see what kinds of interesting things you get into."

"Aww, did you hear that Bianca, Isabela recognizes an old lover after so many years," Varric patted the crossbow and Marian resisted the urge to roll her eyes in exasperation. However, she did feel a little better at the sarcasm the two rogues exuded.

"At least she's a lover that doesn't age," the pirate grinned before turning back to her, "so, looking for passage?"

"Got a ship?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder to see if she could spot which one of the white sails would be Isabela's ship.

"Got one with that relic-" the older woman coughed awkwardly as she realized what she was about to say, "sorry about that Hawke, really, sorry."

Marian had not wanted to bring up any memories of what had happened so many years ago, especially of that horrific duel she had with the Arishok. So she instead shook her head, "Nothing a few bandages and a healing spell couldn't handle." The truth was farther from what she had experienced and noticing the others, Anders included, stiffening from her blasé response must have been a shocker.

"Ah, well," Isabela looked a little flustered before dropping her voice quietly, "over by the docks, there's a group of mercenaries that have the tattoos of kingfishers. They're my men. Tell them that I sent you with goods to be given at The Pearl and they'll take you to the ship."

"You're not coming with us?" Marian asked, curious.

"I've got a meeting with a few of my contacts. Shouldn't be long," the pirate winked at them before hurrying away.

"Looks like she hasn't changed after nine years," Carver commented, "at least there's a ship."

"A ship of lawless hoodlums more like it," Aveline groused.

"At least we have a way of getting to Amaranthine," Marian saw Aveline frown at her support of actually using Isabela's ship to get anywhere, but softened it slightly, telling her that she wasn't really angry at her. She took a deep breath and turned to the others and handed her little brother the bag of money she carried with her, "Carver, you, Aveline, and Donnic get some supplies we may need."

"Got it," Carver took the bag of coins.

Aveline nodded, "Donnic and I have some money if we find something that we need and yours don't cover it."

"Thank you," she was grateful for the support, "Fenris, Varric, can you look around, listen for any news?"

"No problem," the Elf inclined his head once and headed away, the dwarf heading the opposite direction.

"Merrill-"

"She can come with us," Aveline suddenly said and Marian saw her brother turn a bit pink in the face. Ah, so her little brother still had a crush on the Dalish elf. She nodded and watched with a slightly wiry smile on her face as Aveline gently steered the wide-eyed elf mage from them, leaving her and Anders alone as more pilgrims streamed passed them towards the makeshift harbor.

"Anders?"

"Are you sure about Isabela? The last time we saw her was her running after the person who supposedly had the relic and then just a note," he looked at her, his tone skeptical.

"If she did have the relic, you know me, I would have handed it over if it would have prevented so many deaths," Marian replied before starting down a small path, following behind a few pilgrims who were making their way towards the docks. She did not know what this small fishing village was called, but hoped that the inhabitants would be able to recover from the deluge of those fleeing from Kirkwall.

"Yes, I believe you would have," Anders replied, "but shouldn't you have told her about the Arishok?"

"What good would it have done?" she countered, arching an eyebrow, "telling her that 'oh by the way, I nearly died fighting the Qunari that wanted that relic you stole, which is your fault in the first place'." She shook her head, "She'll never understand it, she's very mercenary."

"And you forgive her, this easily?" he asked. She looked closely at him for a second before realizing what he meant by that question.

"No," Marian shook her head, drawing her cloak a bit closer to her, "but from her perspective, there is nothing to forgive."

"And mine?" Anders asked softly.

"You tell me," she did not want to have this conversation with him right now. However, just as she moved to hurry past an old woman, Anders' hand clamped on her wrist and pulled her from the crowd to a small alley between two houses. "Anders!"

"Please, tell me," he asked, his voice gentle and insistent.

She looked up at him and frowned, before staring out at the moving crowd, "I don't want to have this conversation right now-"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what to say to you!" she hissed, freeing her wrist from his grip.

"...Say to me?"

"Yes!" she glared at him, "I don't know whether or not I should hate you, or kiss you, or even kill you!" Marian felt tears pricking in the corners of her eyes and wiped at them irritably, "I don't cry easily, but just looking at you...each time..."

He stepped away from her and she looked at him, wondering what he was getting at. "Your heart's been broken..."

"...Yes...no, I don't know," Marian could feel the swirl of conflicting emotions within her, "I don't even know anything anymore."

"I'm sorry," he stared at her, his light brown eyes compassionate, "I know you probably won't believe me, probably thinking that it's a trick of Vengeance. I mean after all, we, I...manipulated you into finding those ingredients for me then even asked you to distract the Grand Cleric."

A bitter laugh nearly escaped her lips as she folded her arms across her chest.

"I shouldn't have asked you to come with me, follow me around like a fugitive," Anders clenched a hand into a fist, "it's not right. You had everything...and I didn't. I guess, maybe I'm jealous, I don't know. Maybe I thought that after all of this, after letting me live, you would want to come with me. Maybe it's the part of me that Vengeance hasn't consumed, the selfish, human part that wants...you...to come with me."

He looked up at her and shook his head, "Don't listen to me. I don't know if these are Vengeance's words trying to manipulate you again, maybe have you follow me around to do something worst..."

"How much worst can it get?" she asked, wiping an errant tear away.

The spirit healer laughed bitterly, "I could end up turning into a real Abomination and you could get hurt."

"And if I die in the process, would that solve anything?" she asked, "Would it expel Vengeance from your very being? Or would you see it as another sign that you must pursue the people that caused my death in the first place in some grand delusion that it was not your fault, but the fault of others?"

"No," Anders replied, "you know me very well..."

"Then you should know why I am following you," Marian shot back.

"Certainly not out of the goodness of your heart," he replied a little sarcastically, "yes, I see it now. Vengeance sees it now, but he..." He trailed off and she looked at him curiously.

"What?"

"It's as if he's been in a quiet slumber since I destroyed the Chantry. I still feel his anger, his influence on me, yet as if he's been sated somehow," the mage closed his eyes for a brief moment before opening them again, "you should kill me before he gets the chance to manipulate my thoughts again."

"And why should I be the one to kill you?" she countered, getting angry again.

"Because I can't do it," he looked at her, serious, "Vengeance won't let me. He drones on and on about how I should be freeing mages, how I should kill every single Templar and anyone who stands in my way, you included. I don't even have full control of my own body! I told you that it's like watching through another's eyes, watching someone control you at times, you can fight it sometimes, but it's been so long since we were joined that..." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I am such a weak man... I stopped fighting, sometimes, I...allowed concessions."

"Concessions?"

"I tried to keep you safe, by holding you at arms distance. But when you asked me those years ago, to stay with you," he looked away, "I thought, I hoped, I even prayed to the Maker that your door would be shut that night. I didn't want to get you involved."

"I knew what the risks were," Marian frowned, but she could still remember the day that she and Anders had slept together. Of all the times they had been with each other that one memory was still the starkest.

"I knew that Vengeance was growing stronger, since I met you nine years ago. So I made a deal, I guess, with myself, that Vengeance can use me any way he saw fit, but to make sure no harm came to you. That's why, you're the only one that can kill me," Anders turned to face her again.

"And if anyone else, say like Carver-"

"Or Fenris judging by the way he's been glaring at me."

"Or Fenris," she conceded, "tries to kill you..."

"I'll strike out at them," Anders said, his voice quiet, "and while I have no qualms about doing it, I know that it will hurt you."

"Yet Vengeance doesn't see it that way?"

"Apparently not," his voice became bitter again, "after what happened when I...he, asked you to help us find those ingredients."

Marian stared at her lover, the warring emotions within her growing stronger. She understood what he was saying, but could not help but feel a slight doubt at his words. Was this Vengeance or Anders trying to manipulate her again? The surest way was to kill him, but she knew that she could never bring herself to do it. And if it was true, was it what Anders really wanted her to do, knowing that she could not kill him? Or did he truly want to die? He had sounded so broken, so sorrowful in the aftermath the Chantry's destruction. She had been so ready to kill him then, lover or not. He had betrayed her trust by using her, something she could not forgive. Yet something stopped her hand from lifting the blade and she had wondered if it was her traitorous heart, a part of her still in love with Anders.

But since then, she had refused to kill him, even after his insistence, and she did not know why. And now he had told her why she could be the only one to slay him, because of some agreement made with the demon inside of him. Maker, she did not know what to do...

"Do you really want to die?" she finally asked.

"Yes and no," Anders smiled sadly, "because I know what I did was wrong, on so many levels, yet it felt so cathartic. There had to be change, and this was the only way I knew how to do it." He took a small step forward, but in the small alley that they had squeezed into there was no room to move and Marian suddenly wanted to shrink away from him. She saw the hurt in his eyes and tried to clamp down on the sorrow she felt, however, she froze as he extended his hand and brushed his fingers lightly against his cheek. "Please, do it now and you can be free of me. Find someone else, someone who will treat you right?"

"W-What happened to running away with me so our children will be free?" she asked, resisting the urge to lean against his touch like she had done so many times before.

"I have the taint of the Grey Wardens," he replied, "as far as I know, that's a pretty effective form of birth control. Or at least, I don't know any Grey Wardens that have had children after they underwent the Joining."

Marian realized what Anders was asking of her. Vengeance was sated, which meant that it was the most opportune time for her to strike before anything untoward could happen. He could not threaten her brother or her friends with the two of them alone in this alleyway. The comment about her running away with him after everything was over was the last ditch ploy from Anders to force Vengeance into accepting his plan. It was all so that she could kill him without threatening others, Orsino and the remnant Circle of Magi included.

But...

"I can't," she could feel her heart breaking again and it hurt, just as badly as it did two days ago...

"Marian..." the hand dropped from her cheek and Anders looked pained.

"Because I love you too much to do it," she finally confessed, "and because I hate you too much to do it."

"Why-"

"It's selfish, I know," she felt tears falling down her face, "call it selfish desires or something, but I can't kill you, even though I know what will eventually happen to you. I know that you're a monster, that what you did in a twisted way was what you thought was right. I know that Vengeance will always be a part of you because if he is banished back to the Fade, you'll only be a shell. And as much as I know you would want to live like that or even be dead, I still love you. And it hurts every time I see you."

"Then why..."

"Did I follow you?" she smiled through her tears, "because I believe that somewhere in the future, maybe you'll be able to calm the anger down and maybe, just maybe, turn Vengeance back into your old friend Justice."

"That's impossible-"

"It's only impossible if you think it is. I don't believe that," she straightened, wiping her tears away with the rough hem of her cloak, "I want to believe that there is still some good in you, the Anders that I fell in love with..."

"And if there is nothing to turn Vengeance back to Justice?" Anders asked softly, his gaze turned downwards, away from her.

This time, she stepped forward and tilted his chin up to look at her. "I will end it myself," she nodded once; "I will kill you myself."

"You would go through all of that just for me?"

"For our future," she replied.

"Maker's breath, why can't anything be easy," Anders gave her a hesitant smile, "all right, I'll accept those terms."

"That doesn't mean I forgive you," she looked at him with serious eyes, "but you at least now know why."

"I understand," he nodded, "and I am not looking for you to forgive me. But I hope that in time..."

"We shall see," she drew her cloak up around her face before peering out of the alleyway and gestured with her chin for him to follow her as they rejoined the traffic of refugees trying to find passage away from Kirkwall.

Anders fell in step beside her as they continued to make their way towards the far side of the fishing village. There were a lot of crews crowded around the docks, some negotiating prices with pilgrims and refugees, others staring warily out towards the vast amount of people. Some of them brandished their weapons to deter the crowd from rushing against them in an effort to reach the row boats and Marian saw one or two beating the bolder people back.

She ignored all of this as she tried to see anyone with a kingfisher tattoo and spotted a surly looking man standing by one of the houses, chewing on what looked like tobacco, occasionally spitting a wad of black spittle out. She approached him, making her intent obvious and saw him straighten as he caught her sharp gaze before he crossed his arms across his muscled and tanned chest and tilted his head to the side.

Marian noticed several others; all bearing tattoos of a kingfisher on their arms seemingly appear from the crowd to join the surly looking man. She all but ignored them as she stopped in front of the man and stared up at him.

"Pretty little thing to be wandering out like this," the man leered at her and Marian frowned.

"Your Captain," she stressed Isabela's rank, "told me to come with the goods for The Pearl."

"Did he?" the sailor asked, skeptical.

"She," Marian corrected, knowing that she was probably being tested.

"A female captain? Someone I'd probably would like to meet, if you get my drift. Of course, if you're looking to be my captain, you're more than welcomed to. I always like a woman to order me in bed," he leered at her again and Marian felt the sudden chill of magic behind her, a sign that Anders was getting a little more than angry at the insinuations.

"Yes and I'm quite sure that your captain would probably cut those balls off with her daggers," she allowed some of the magicks that was within her to filter into her being and features, magnified by her anger. She had been told time and time again that whenever she had been angry and cast her spells at the same time, her eyes took on an eerie glow, usually the frostiness of her ice spells or the crackle of barely suppressed electricity. She had been told by a very impressed Varric that her newer spells in the Force class made her seemingly blaze with unconsumed raw power.

The effect was immediate as the surly leering sailor suddenly recoiled before hastily putting his hands up, "Didn't mean any disrespect, serrah."

"You knew what Captain Isabela wanted," she continued, the spell of Winter's Grasp just hovering at the edge of her consciousness to be thrown, freezing the sailor in place, but she managed to suppress that ruthless part of her. Her father had longed warned her that the more she used her spells, the more she would feel its power and those that got drunk on the power were the ones to fall prey to the spirits of the Fade.

"She said we might be picking up some people here, just didn't realize that it would be, well, your kind."

"Our kind?" Anders spoke up behind her, his voice tight with anger.

"Well, I mean with all that's happening in Kirkwall," the sailor shrugged, "name's Rawlins, First Mate on the Kingfisher. The Captain said she was going to talk with her contacts about a job we were supposed to be paid for and we were supposed to see if there was any cargo we could find. This being a fishing village didn't really think there would be anything, but when we saw all of you...figured we could get the pickings. Didn't really trust that you had the Captain's password, that's all. Didn't mean no harm by the comment about you and the, uh, being in bed and all."

Marian softened her stance and let the magic retreat, the tingling feeling fading away before nodding once, "No harm done. Just see that it doesn't happen again."

"Will do, serrah," Rawlins gave her a gaped tooth grin, "so, will it just be you and pretty boy behind you?"

"Pretty boy?" Anders had lost the anger in his voice and Marian turned slightly to see him staring at the beefy sailor, appalled.

"Pretty enough," the sailor shrugged, "unless you don't-"

"Oh definitely not," the seriousness of the moment was broken with a blush rising from Anders' neck to his face as the implied statement hit him.

"There are six others, three humans, two elves, and a dwarf," she turned Rawlins' attention back to her, "they're getting supplies so if we can wait for them...?"

"I'm also presuming that you don't want any Templar trouble, right?"

It was the way he worded the statement that made her turn slightly to see several Templars that had been milling about now actively looking for something. She realized that her initial assessment that these were Templars who wanted nothing to do with the happenings in Kirkwall were actually Templars loyal to Meredith, sent out before the climatic battle to capture or even kill the magi who had fled from Kirkwall's Circle.

The original people she thought were magi were actually Tranquil, and thus were left alone by the Templars. She glanced at Anders who had a pinched and angry expression on his face and at once knew that Vengeance was now influencing his behavior. They had to hide...this was not the place to get innocents involved in a giant spell-slinging battle, no matter how much Anders wanted to, judging by how he was slowly reaching for his stave.

"Anders, no," she shook her head before taking his hand and started to pull him the other way. She nodding her thanks to Isabela's First Mate before heading to one of the houses near where the sailors had been hanging out and pulled him into the alleyway.

"Marian-"

"No," she hissed quietly, "we can't make a scene here. You want to start a new life, away from all of this, then you can't attack every Templar on sight!"

"I don't want a new life! All the Templars should know that magi should be free!"

"That's Vengeance talking! Not Anders!" she glared at him.

"That's how I feel-"

She resisted the urge to punch him in the face, "Stop thinking of yourself for once and think of others! There are those who fled the city because they want nothing to do with the Mage and Templar conflict! They don't care-"

"They should care."

"And they have the right not to!" she overrode his protest. "Are you that bent on killing even more innocents?"

"There are no innocents in this war," he glared darkly at her, and she saw the brief flickers of blue in his brown eyes that signified Vengeance was very close to completely overwhelming Anders and taking over once more.

A scream from the street interrupted their fight as she peered out to see a woman being held back by several Templars as two of them wrestled what looked like her daughter to the ground, shoving her face into the dirt. "Please!" the woman cried, "my daughter isn't a mage! She isn't even part of Kirkwall! We're from Nevarra! We were only passing by-"

"She is an apostate and will be put to death-"

Marian was roughly shoved to the side of the alleyway as Anders barreled past her dropping his cloak, the power of the Fade nearly overwhelming her as it did every time Vengeance's full anger was unleashed.

"She will not be put to death!" Vengeance declared in all of his unholy glory.

Marian shook her head before shedding her own cloak and stood behind Vengeance, her stave held in a ready stance. She said that she would follow Anders wherever he went and she was not going to abandon him now.

Author's Notes:

My beta pointed out that Anders said that he and Vengeance were one and the same. Of course, along the same lines, I pointed out that during the romance he said that he and Vengeance were sort of separate ("Vengeance does not approve of me with you Hawke…") and so forth. So who do you believe and which explanation do you believe? That was the importance of this chapter and I hope it came across as such. The rest of this story will focus more on Hawke and Anders than the Hero of Ferelden (I needed the previous chapter to set up the political happenings in King Alistair's court). Thank you for reviewing and adding me to your alerts, etc. You make me a very happy writer!