hiatus over. your cries are becoming too pitiful to bear. ((and threats of stalking (!) - well, we can't have that, can we?)) besides, I have not had a truly decent cliffhanger in this story, and it is about time I gave you all something to work your imaginations out on. I am not talking about last chapter. I mean this one.
thanks (to most of you) for understanding why Olivia did that. have any of you watched the show lately? I was watching it last Tuesday and was like: 'yeah, Elliot tries that shit and she is not going to take it well.' maybe at first she'd get into it, but you know her conscience is way too overpowering to let her just get sexing with him. Olivia is the sensible one. Elliot is the 'take-chances-make-mistakes-get-messy!' (magic school bus much?) one.
besides, you will all get your sex fixes soon enough. I am feeling very romantic. Sting and Enrique are playing in my wmp, and they are filling my head with thoughts of desert roses and divine rhythms. if Enrique suddenly kissed my neck, I think I would just let it go, towel and all. but I am not Olivia…who is by the way now gone.
ELLIOT: return her to me or die.
ME: no. bitch.
ELLIOT: I will kill your dog.
ME: I am calling a lawyer.
ALEX: Kate, I can't solve your legal issues anymore. I'm undercover in Iowa! My name is like Buffy or something!
ME: excuses, excuses…and where the hell is casey? assembling a wardrobe malfunction or something?
CASEY: Kate, I can't prosecute him, I've got liek a MAJOR CRUUUUSH on him! ELLIOT N CASEY 4EVAH!
ME: eeew, so that's where all that fanfic comes from.
CASEY: Yes! I have liek an account and I liek make all sorts of stories becuz Elliot luffs me 4EVAH! RLUV$MENT2B!
ME: please stop. you are being really disgusting.
ELLIOT: yeah, really. NOW GIVE MY SEX PONY BACK!
ME: I will if you get off my lawn.
ELLIOT: whatever. (goes to sit on my mailbox)
ME: okay, now you can have her.
OLIVIA: YAY! NO MORE EASY MAC!
THOSE TWO: (skip off to Manhattan hand in hand)
Cragen of course shows up hours later looking for them, disturbing my lunch.
CRAGEN: are you-know-who and you-know-who still here?
ME: No, they ran away to you-know-where a few hours ago.
CRAGEN: (grumble-grumble) don't be a smartass.
ME: bitch, RAVENCLAW. and why are you wearing elrond's pizza hat?
CRAGEN: (grumble-twitch-stalk away)
and then Elrond shows up at like ten o clock at night and wakes up everyone ringing my doorbell. I answer the door, because my mom and dad and sister are pissed as hell.
ME: what the frick are you doing here?
ELROND: why are you not in your box in Rivendell?
ME: I have a life outside of my AU, thank you very much. why are you not in your palace in Rivendell?
ELROND: Arwen kicked me out. she and Aragorn made it into their love nest. sexcapades everywhere. I feel violated just walking under the windows.
ME: yuh-huh (rolling eyes)
ELROND: have you seen cragen?
ME: yes, and he's wearing your hat.
ELROND: I figured. it was gone when I woke up.
ME: (chokes)
ELROND: why does everyone choke when I say stuff like that?
ME: guy-on-guy involving you and cragen is creepy.
ELROND: frick off. I'm going to go look for him.
ME: yeah, whatever.
DOOR: (slams in his face)
so anyhow, guess who comes looking for Elrond?
ARWEN: where's my dad?
ME: (covers eyes) why is Aragorn doing that to your leg?
ARWEN: have you seen him?
ME: please make him stop.
ARWEN: (whines) WHEEEEERE ISSSSS HEEEE?
ME: (still covering eyes, points north) there, I'd assume.
ARWEN: oh, thanks.
ARAGORN: kate, do you have any Vaseline?
ME: eeew, go away NOW.
and then guess who comes looking for them?
ELDARION: weeeeee-squeeeeeeee! (where be my mummy?)
ME: sexing your daddy. wear your blindfold and the plastic baggies on your hands when you're in the living room next time.
ELDARION: Weeeeeeet! (thanks kate, you're still my favorite babysitter!)
ME: oh, I know it.
and then guess who comes looking for me?
MOM: it's eleven o clock at night and below zero outside and you're on our doorstep. what the heck are you doing?
ME: greeting people.
MOM: I don't see anyone.
ME: they were here just a second ago.
MOM: this is why you need a psychologist, Kate. go to bed.
ME: yeah, okay. off I go.
which brought me here, writing this. so it's all Elliot's fault. blame him for me getting off my hiatus.
…
The television droned on, the radio blared incessantly, and Elliot sat lost in his thoughts. Just a kiss…
There had been things like this before. And yet there had been nothing like this before, nothing to hint at the passion that could overcome him so quickly. He would never have said before that something could grab his soul like that, twist his heart in half and make his fingers reach for the thing he knew was forbidden to him. Like the first of men, he'd felt the heat as his lips touched her, known then why she had been forbidden to him for so long. The power that came over him when he'd touched her neck! For so long he had fought it, and now the urge had taken over, willing his thoughts and driving his soul to places he would never have dreamed of before.
And yet Eve had suddenly stopped Adam, for she'd pulled the fruit from his lips and hidden it away, and darkness had fallen on his Eden. He longed for it more than ever, craved the soft addiction of her steady breath, the taste of her lips on his.
It was not the first time.
A summer, a summer long past when he was still afraid of her, when her gaze still brought him to his knees. The summer when everything changed; when Kathy started to draw away, when the kids stopped being happy. When the job became darker and his partner became…closer.
Baseball. Dickie's baseball game. Biggest one of the season.
He and Kathy were in the stands, watching their son, grinning and laughing. He'd had the weekend off. They were a family: suddenly, strangely. Kathy took his hand when they left the car. Lizzie was cheering her brother on. He was thinking about his other daughters, and smiling to himself.
What is she doing here?
He'd turned to where his wife's eyes fell, cold and unforgiving eyes. There was his partner, down below, standing beside the dugout, giving his son a high-five. They were laughing about something, and she was smiling with the coach, and she was giving Dickie a thumb-up, winking.
He'd walked to the plate and got a home run.
I don't know, Kath.
Did you ask her to come?
No. It was nice of her to, though.
Yes. Kathy did not agree, contradictory to her statement.
I'll go talk to her.
He'd stood up, feeling dizzy as he balanced on the bleachers. His eyes were on the brunette hair, brown eyes hidden by sunglasses, grinning and clapping as Dickie came back to the dugout, giving her the thumb-up.
Hey.
She turned to him, her smile momentarily fading before she realized who he was.
Hey Elliot, She grinned, clapping him on the back. That kid's got talent.
How'd you know today was his game?
He asked me to come. The last time he came to the office, he told me about the game. He said I should come see him play, and I did. She saw something in his eyes, and frowned. Is that alright with you?
Of course. Kathy and I just wanted to say hi.
Where's Kathy?
Saying hi.
She looked past him to the bleachers. Kathy did not wave down at her. There was an undeniable look of dissatisfaction on her face.
Tell her I say hi back. Olivia's frown became more pronounced. Look, I'm sorry. I have to go.
She turned and started to leave the field, her step quickening as she neared the parking lot.
Liv!
He followed her, damning his sandals as his step proved slower than hers.
Liv, wait!
She stopped, turning to face him. She removed her sunglasses, her eyes wide and anxious.
Elliot, I really don't want to be a problem-
It's not…you're not…you're not a problem to me at all.
I don't need to drive a wedge between you and you wife, El.
Who says you are?
I took Kathy's friendliness as a hint.
Look…she doesn't know why you're here. She thinks I invited you. He was always so honest with her. Too honest most of the time. She's just confused.
I'm sorry I confused her. I have to go, El.
She turned to leave. He took her arm.
You don't have to go anywhere. Dickie will want to see you after the game.
I have to go.
No, Liv. Please.
She stared at him, her eyes narrowing. Who wants me to stay, Elliot?
You don't need to be alone, not when you came over to have a good time with him.
I won't be alone.
She moved closer. He took a step forward, their noses almost touching. He remembered his heart quickening, his pulse racing. She was so close, and he was so close, and there was no one around…just the trees and the cars and the pregnant silence between them…
Will you…stay?
Yes.
She lifted her face to him, and kissed him. A chaste kiss, a sisterly kiss, but a kiss all the same.
His lips tingled until they were numb, and then melted.
You're too good to me, Elliot.
Thank Dickie.
But Dickie didn't stop me from leaving.
Dickie invited you.
I know. She smiled at him, walking back towards the field. And his father is my dearest friend.
Elliot let out a sigh, staring at the flowers beside the television. Friend. Dearest friend. A friend's kiss.
And today had been the lover's kiss. But they were not lovers.
They were lying inside and out.
"Elliot."
He looked up. She was standing in the doorway to the bedroom.
"Olivia." He stood up, finding her eyes, standing in awe of them. How was it she seemed to perfect herself each time they met?
"I…I just wanted to say…"
"I'm sorry." He said, blinking at her.
"I know." She stared at her hands, her arms around her chest. "I am too."
He walked to her, their eyes never parting. He could see something more in them now: a flicker of her heart, the spark of her soul.
"I thought we should…talk."
"Yeah…" He continued to stare at her. Her eyes were so wide, so vulnerable. Anyone could look into them right now and see the sad spirit lingering behind.
"We haven't been completely honest with each other." She fell onto the couch beside him, and he sat down, still staring at her. "I…I have no idea what's going on, but I think it's time we start to figure that out. First, are you…are you thinking about…" Her voice trailed off, and for the first time her eyes drifted away from his, falling on her hands folded nervously in her lap. He knew what she was talking about just from the familiar look in her eyes,
"I divorced Kathy. I sent in the papers."
Her eyes widened. "But you said…"
"It's not finished. She's asking for a longer custody of the kids- sent me the papers last weekend. I haven't signed that yet. I can't…I can't just sign off my kids, you know?"
She said nothing but nodded slowly at him, her hand lifting from her lap, landing on his shoulder.
"When I fax that to her… it's all over. But she won't finalize it until I've sent in that last document, that last sheet…the one that loses my children."
"What do you think you'll do?"
"I have no idea. My lawyer knows about it, but I don't know what we'll do. I can't…I can't let them go, Olivia. I know she could give them something better: a steady job, a steady house…" He laughed to himself, trying to break the tension in his own voice. "She can pick out matching outfits for one thing. And she can braid Lizzie's hair. I could never braid her hair…" He blinked back a single tear, remembering the long hair between his fingers, stumbling with the knots and laughing with his daughter. "Why is this happening?"
Her hands ran over his face, touching his cheek, gracing his forehead with fingertips as cool as a spring breeze. He closed his eyes, feeling the tear release itself, running down to his chin. She caught it with her left hand, and let her fingers drift to his mouth. He kissed them, tasting the salt of his own grief.
"You've been so good to me," She whispered, staring up into his eyes, now blurred with tears. "Always so good…"
He touched her arm, his other hand embracing her left fingers. He squeezed them gently, savoring the feeling of her hand in his.
Somewhere out there a killer still waited. Somewhere, in the low sunlight of the afternoon, a dark man sat, his mind filled with rage. And in these rooms, he had once found his prey, taking so many lives before them.
They felt the desperation. They felt the need. She could die, he could die. They were both in danger, and they were helpless. Useless. All they could do was hold onto this…whatever this was, and hope for it to carry them through.
So she took his hand, and he took hers.
"Elliot…" She kissed his cheek, resting her head against his. "Please…I'm so sorry…"
"I know." He put a finger to her lips, smiling gently, blinking away the tears. "We can forget."
"I need…I need to know…"
He pulled her closer, and they embraced until it hurt both inside and out. And then they stood, and walked, and held.
"Come to bed, Elliot." She was standing beside the door now, staring at him with those brown eyes again. He cleared his throat, unable to turn away, to think of something to say.
She lay down on the bed, her head on his chest. He did not remove her clothes, or make any motion to indicate they were to make love. She just lay in his arms, and he held her to his chest, and they stayed warm together. Breathing. Rising and falling together, like ships on a calm sea, making berth across rosy water.
"I don't want to be alone." She said at one point, and he held her tighter, kissing her forehead. "I need to know you're here."
"I'm always here." He took her hand, and held it to his lips, breathing in her fingertips, kissing her palm.
"I'm afraid of needing you." She whispered, looking up at him. He looked down at her face, resting quietly on his chest, their feet tangled together at the foot of the bed, one blanket over their clothed bodies. This is how it was supposed to be.
"Don't." Was all he could say, and it was enough. She smiled and nestled back onto his chest again, her head tucked inside his arm, curving gently over her back and hugging her close to his body. Her arms encircled him, one under his back and one over his front. He loved this, being tangled like a puzzle, adrift in oen another.
They lay together for three hours, drifting in and out of sleep, waking to stare into each other's eyes, smiling gently or exchanging a kiss on the forehead and cheek. His cell phone went off suddenly, and she awoke, lifting her head and staring curiously at him.
"Stabler." He said quietly, his brow furrowing.
"Elliot," It was Cragen, not sounding very happy. "Elliot, I have some bad news."