oh yes, the evilness of it all. cliffhangers can be as evil as coming across a hot glass of milk on an excruciatingly hot day, and being completely parched. do you know how evil it is to come across this gross, hot glass of milk on a hot day after three miles of running? and you are so out of your mind that you drink it?

THAT is evil. that is evil right there.

I'm going to Montreal this weekend, so I won't be writing for about three days. I think I'm going to go to the city too, since I'm visiting Columbia and Barnard this month. (I MUST GO TO BARNARD!) (and for all non-new-yorkers, "the city" is NYC) if I go on another hiatus, we can't all go crazy. I have spoiled you all rotten: updating every day, being humorous, writing these long and entertaining author's notes. I can only hope that deep in your hearts there is room enough to forgive me for my hiatus-ing. if you don't forgive me, it's okay- I don't really believe in forgiveness. I say forget or don't forget it- easy as that. Probably why I'm an atheist…

anyhow- OH BUGGER! I just spilled milk all over my Ralph Lauren oxford. bloody hell, this is the hardest thing to clean!

anyhow, as I clean off my boobs, hope you had a wonderful valentine's day. I got an anonymous rose from someone…(giggling excitedly) they left a note saying: 'To: Kate- Love, from You-Know-Who." OH NO! VOLDEMORT IS SENDING ME VALENTINES! no really, I am so excited to find out which of the two possible lovers I may be acquiring.

I didn't update more yesterday because I went to Nordic skiing sectionals yesterday. GUESS WHO GOT SECOND PLACE? ME DID! ME DID! our whole team swept the event. we won everything. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

the power went out at our school so we went home early. the wind has knocked out all the power in Warren County, YES! the generator at our house has allowed me to sit around watching The Matrix while everyone else freezes in their wind-chilled homes. scoff.

hope you enjoy this chapter. I just love twisting this plot for everything the poor dear is worth. It is becoming the roller coaster of angst here.

happy chapter consuming!

"What is it?" His eyes fell on Olivia, staring groggily at him as she yawned. He released his grip on her waist, suddenly aware of his captain's presence on the phone beside his ear. It was a very good thing Cragen could not see what was going on right now…

"He's dead."

"Who's dead?"

"Rodney Johnson. Tara's husband."

"Suicide?"

"Not unless castration in the shower and shooting yourself in the chest with an invisible gun is the new way of doing yourself in."

Elliot drew in a sharp breath. "So this is the rapist again?"

Cragen's tone became sarcastic. "The penis in the sink was a bit of a giveaway, but yeah, we're pretty clear that it's the same one. No one had known about Tara. He hadn't even told her family yet, just to be safe."

"So now they'll have both of them to mourn."

"Unfortunately, yes. And the squad's in a panic. We had guys watching Rod twenty four-seven, and someone slipped past us. Munch and Fin are still working out the kinks of this, doing the only job they're actually capable of."

Elliot tried to laugh. "Sitting in front of a TV?"

"No, they're not on surveillance this time. They're off intimidating Rodney's neighbors into talking."

"Any luck yet?"

"No leads, no witnesses, nothing. No one even heard his screams, which you would assume would be issued from a dying man, having just lost his manly parts."

"They know he was alive when he was castrated?"

"Medical science still amazes me. The family jewels were the first to go. Then the perp put three slugs in his chest and cleared the place. Two bullets hit his collarbone and one grazed a lung. He bled out on his bathroom floor."

"And did not scream."

"It took him around 30 seconds to die. A resilient man."

"A silent man." Elliot bit his lip. "If the guy's down there, then there's no point in me and Olivia being up here."

She looked into his eyes, suddenly confused. She narrowed her eyes, furrowing her brow as he continued to speak to Cragen.

"When should we leave?"

"Not until tomorrow."

"Why not now?" Not like he wanted to…

"If the rapist is there, he could have contacted someone in the city to silence Rodney. I'm not going to lhave you eave your posts if there remains a chance of nabbing him. He could still be waiting up there for someone like Olivia to come along."

Elliot stared down at his partner, her head still resting on his chest. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arm over her shoulder. There is a person in this world who would rape her…kill her…take her away from me.

But there is still someone who would do anything, ANYTHING, to stop them.

"I'll keep her safe, Captain."

"I know you will. Just don't forget to grab the guy, too."

"Yeah, I won't."

"I'll call you later if anything comes up."

"Thanks, Captain."

He put down the phone, and she took his hand.

"What is it?"

"Tara Johnson's husband is dead."

"Someone killed him?"

"Yeah…"

"The one looking for…us?"

"That's how it appears."

She sat up, brushing the front of her shirt off as though brushing away his love. She went to the edge of the bed and slid off, standing coolly beside the bathroom door.

"So we're going back?" She asked, staring pointedly at him.

"Not until tomorrow."

"But we're still going back. They're still pulling us out."

"If the perp's moved to New York, we need to be down there." He let out a long sigh, stretching on the bed. "Or, if they figure out it's a different guy, we need to stay here and wait for him."

She returned to the bed, sitting down beside him, pulling her knees to her chest like a frightened child. "He's getting warmer, isn't he? We're just sitting here, and he could be only feet away, waiting for us to let down our guards…" She turned to him, her eyes shining. With hope…or with tears? "Elliot…I…I want this to last."

"What?"

"You know what I mean…I want more of this, you know it. God, I've never felt so good and-" She cut herself off, covering her eyes with one hand. "I can't…I don't mean…"

"Hey…" He reached for her shoulder, but she ignored the gesture.

"When we start getting…distracted, we're throwing away the whole case. We can't get involved like this, not now. I don't want to endanger this case."

He did not respond immediately. So yes, something was happening between them. Maybe their hormones were on the right schedules. Maybe the stars were aligned. Or maybe the situation had just been as romantic as advertised. Either way, he was here and she was here, and they had just spent an entire afternoon in each other's arms.

"Olivia…we don't have anything like that going on, you know that." He brushed away the idea, not letting himself say it. No, we are not in love. We are not developing a relationship. How could we be? We just needed to…spend a few hours like that. We're not developing anything else here. He tried to laugh, coming out with a brittle chuckle. "You don't think me…and you…you don't think we're…"

"Oh god, no." She laughed too, though without any heart at all. A smile spread over her lips, but it was ironic and mingled with sadness. "I wasn't suggesting that we're…you know, I just thought maybe we shouldn't…we shouldn't get our minds off of the case."

"I agree. It's too dangerous…and we need to keep…focused."

"Yeah…" She stared at her hand, resting beside his. He desperately longed to take her fingers, press them to his lips once more, but there it was. They'd said it. They'd denied it again.

"Well, I should go get changed for dinner." He slid off of the bed, leaving her hand to lay lonely on the pillow.

"Elliot." She called his name before he could open the door, exit the bedroom.

"Yeah?" He turned, their eyes locking again.

"Elliot…do you feel something different…between us?"

That wasn't a difficult question. But instead of saying the first word that leapt into his mind, he furrowed his brows and waved a casual hand at her. "God, no! I'll forget everything that happened in an hour."

"Oh," She held her hand to her breast as though it were wounded, sniffing quietly.

He turned and walked out.

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? WHY DID YOU SAY YOU'D FORGET?

He closed the door behind him, but he did not move. Instead, he let out a long sigh and pressed his head against his, resting his hand on the knob. I'm sorry, Liv.

He could hear crying through the door.

…

Dinner was taken in silence.

Bitchfoolwhydidyoulethimgoanddenyitallwhycan'twealljustgetalonghereOlivia?

She looked up into her partner's eyes, glowing blue as they stared at his steak. They were eating out- Olivia was not going to risk the hotel food- and so far it had been the worst meal of her life. She wanted so badly to tell him how she felt…the love, the perfection, the warmth. The best time of her life.

But there was always a barrier.

It was called a job.

"Can I interest you in wine?" The waiter had appeared, smiling down at them.

"Yes." Olivia said, though Elliot had said "No." at the same time. The waiter looked from one to the other, before Olivia said "Yes." again.

"I'll be right back."

"You don't want wine?" She asked. It was the first time she had attempted conversation since asking what restaurant to eat at. They'd finally decided on the classiest place in town, some Italian place that attracted the wealthier tourists. Olivia would never have eaten here otherwise, but with the state money in her wallet, she was perfectly fine with it.

"I'm going to start another 'sober week'."

"And end it drunk, am I right?"

He cracked a small smile, and her heart leapt. "My attempts are well-known, then."

"Everyone at the station can tell by your mood swings and longing glances at Munch's beer."

"It might actually work this time. I finally have some collateral."

"Really?"

"After my latest hangover, I am in no hurry to rush back into that again."

When you were in the hangover, you loved me.

She bit her lip, trying to smile again. "One sip of wine is not going to get you drunk."

"I'm already drunk."

"On what? You ordered water."

He stared at her, his eyes narrowing knowingly. She stared back, their eyes locking, but neither said a thing.

"White wine, our finest." The waiter had returned, pouring some into their glasses.

"Thank you." She took a small sip of the wine, frowning a bit at the after taste. "So," She looked up over at him, giving him a sideways glance. "Our last night as the Tracy's."

"Should we be celebrating?" He did not touch his wine.

"I don't know…we could get completely wasted, stumble back to our room, and sit around watching X-Files reruns all night."

"That sounds productive."

"And not at all letting up our guard…" She smiled sarcastically at him, but when she saw the look on his face her grin seemed to melt. "El…what's up?"

"Nothing." He reached for the wine glass, sniffed it, and then put it back down.

"I don't think so." She raised an eyebrow. "You just dissed the wine."

"That was not dissing!" He rolled his eyes.

She gasped. "That so too was dissing! Sniffing the wine and then putting it back like the waiter's floating crap in it is absolutely dissing it."

"I do not want to offend any wine or anybody. I'm just thinking, okay?" His eyes were hostile. She bit back a sharp retort. "If we're going back to the city, there are a few things to think over first."

"Like us…" She started, biting her lip. He looked up at her quickly, his eyes burning.

"Like us going back to work." She finished quickly, raising her eyebrows at him. As if she were suggesting that they…they were…like THAT! Really!

"Yeah, work. That'll be a shock, won't it?"

"After the skiing and the sleeping in, it probably won't be a very pleasant adjustment."

"The massage wasn't bad either."

She stared at him. The massage. Did he ever RECALL the massage? Did he remember her arms pulling out of his, her sobbing, her screaming? Or did he just remember her lips?

God, she knew she just remembered those lips of his, feeling their way across the expanse of her skin…

NO. No, she did not. She remembered awkwardness. That was it.

Big. Lonely. Awkwardness.

"No, it wasn't…" She rubbed the back of her neck nervously, biting her lip once more. At this rate it would be bleeding by morning… "Elliot, do you think we'll get this guy?"

"I hope so. Somebody's got to lock the freak up, right?"

"I know, but…nothing has really gone to plan so far."

Including love.

"Well, if he's down in New York, we'll get him faster. And if he's up here, we're dangling the bait in front of him like a gorilla hanging from a crane. He can't miss us, Olivia."

"Yeah, and aren't I glad?" She tried to laugh. It sounded like a choke. "Honestly, this job just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?"

"Retirement sounds better each year."

"What will you do when you retire?"

"We've had this conversation a million times, Liv…"

"I know, but I love how you change the little details every time."

"I have a changing opinion. It is something most U.S. citizens need to be worth anything."

"Tell me about retirement, El."

He let out a long sigh, smiling at his palm. "Well, I expect I will probably pay off the rent on my college apartment."

"Still in debt?"

"Only from college. Then I'll move up to the cabin in the Catskills. Or maybe…" He paused, frowning. "I think Kathy got the cabin."

Olivia saw the sudden pain in his eyes. She reached across the table, taking his hand. "There's lots of cabins in the Catskills. We could build one, too."

"We?"

"Oh, not we." She laughed uneasily, scratching her ear. "I meant you, but if you needed help, I know a pretty strong girl who is not afraid to work."

"For peanuts or supper?"

"She sings for her supper most of the time."

Elliot raised an amused eyebrow. "Does she?"

Olivia laughed. "Not very well, though. After all the shower rehearsals, she still has trouble drawing a crowd."

"I don't doubt that." He squeezed her hand as he laughed. "I don't think I would mind an extra hand when I'm building a place. Of course, I may just be wrong. Maybe I did get the cabin after all. It wouldn't be the first thing I was surprised to get." He took a deep breath. "I'm just afraid it will be my last."

"Hey," She touched his chin with the tips of her fingers, stroking it lightly beneath the lower lip. "When we get back to the city, why don't you go out with the kids? You can take the night off, and I'll get Munch or Fin to fill in on your shift. You can take them out to dinner, see a game, go to the fair, something like that. You'll have a ball."

"I'm sure I will." He said softly, his hand taking her fingers and pressing them to his cheek. She stared at him, suddenly frozen, her knees locked and her heart beginning to race. "We have one more night like this, right?"

"Elliot…"

"I don't want to see you cry." He whispered, leaning forward across the table. She felt her breasts sinking to the table top, her neck thrusting forward. She stared, her eyes locked into those bright blue diamonds as their lips met.

And this time, she did not pull away from his kiss.