I love you all. That is all there is to say.
And look, I am capitalizing the beginning of my sentences in my author notes! LiveJournal pretty much screws you over on grammar, so you get used to never capitalizing anything. It becomes glamorous in a strange way, until you are rather addicted to the whole affair. And then you get picked on in English class, even though you can write better than the whole goddamn class. (did I say that? Oh dear- ego check, Kate.)
Oh god, I am in my low of the low moods right now. I was on an emotional high until about six, all bouncy and fast-talking and Gilmore Girls-like, and then someone popped my balloon right as I sat down to do my homework, and I'm bloody moody as it is. So now I'm stuffing my face with marshmallow pinwheels, not thinking about the three pounds I gained over vacation, and scowling at everyone peeking into my room. Let the sleeping bear lie, I tell them. But nooo, they have to come in and try to be all friendly. Well, it's not like- THE HELL! WHAT THE FRICK! My dad just threw a toilet paper roll at me! And it hit my head! MY HEAD! Is he trying to give me a concussion? WHAT THE FRICK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
I MEAN REALLY!
So I'm a little grumpy right now. Another day in the life of Kate.
Let's just roll the story before anything else happens, eh? Like flying toilet paper rolls. My dad will pay. I'm gonna put my mom's strongest perfume (the one he LOATHES) all over his pillow tonight. And hide all the other pillows.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You may now engage in reading.
And what I said about not making Kathy a bitch…um, maybe later…yeah…
(in case you can't tell from the chapter, I have a certain fondness for New York City. one too many weekend outings 'down south' will do it to you)
…
"Well, the city is still standing."
"That's always a good sign." He looked over at her, his eyes bright and…happy. Welcoming. When was the last time she had seen that brilliance in his eyes? God, it felt so good to stare into them, like that first breath of fresh air after the hours inside. He had changed: warm, shining, sudden.
She loved it.
"Yeah, I guess Munch and Fin didn't go on that sugar-high rampage after all." She grinned. "You owe me dinner."
"Can do." He smiled back, his hands spread wide across the steering wheel.
They pulled off of the ramp, back into the steady stream of cars they'd originally chased along the highway; forests becoming grass, grass becoming cement. The gradual descent into urbanization. Everything seemed a bit brighter today, her city basking in an unfamiliar rosy glow. Yet she could open herself up today, let the unfamiliarity enter her soul, and glow alongside it.
"I'm going to miss the sunsets." She thought aloud, laying her elbow against the window.
"What?"
"The sunsets. I can't see them from my apartment." She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering the red streaks across the winter sky, setting the forests ablaze with radiant light and turning snowy mountains a violet hue.
"You can see the sunsets at my house." His voice was suddenly quiet, his eyes remaining on the road. She turned back to him, opening her eyes.
"Do they look like the ones up north?"
"Almost."
Blue blazes fell onto chocolate pools, melting them instantly.
She smiled when she looked out the window again. The sight of strangers was suddenly familiar, the unnamed character of the city bending her thoughts again to the daily grind, that strange addiction all New Yorkers fear and crave. She suddenly longed for a cup of coffee from the little place outside her building, to hold in her frozen palms as she listened to the squeals of the subway becoming proverbial after a particularly long ride.
This city could become such nostalgia on days like these.
Yet a morning like this had her looking in his eyes, seeing her own. It was the quiet company they'd always shared, yet it was suddenly more comforting, filling her with the silent feeling she'd yet to name. It soaked her soul, warming her from the inside out.
Their journey had slowed to its familiar spastic pace, slowing to a crawl for what seemed hours, then bursting like comets across the blacktop, racing to catch up with the company now shooting past. You could feel the rhythm of the city driving you, turning you on and off with the footsteps of the pedestrians, the calls of the people, the colors of the faces. Here it was and there it was, fleeting by in moments of calm and chaos, catching your hand and pulling you nearer to the center. The heartbeat.
And next to him, it beat brighter and louder than ever before.
"Home sweet home." He veered suddenly to the left, and they were descending into the darkness of the underground, her eyes lit momentarily by the neon flashes of parking garage lights. When he finally pulled into a space, she closed her eyes, letting them adjust to the light before opening them again.
It had seemed so bright outside.
"If we're going to do this, I'm going to need a lot of coffee." She said, stepping out of the car.
"I'm sure Munch put a pot on for us."
"Isn't he a gentleman?"
He gave her shoulder a playful squeeze. "If he's a gentleman, than I'm the Prince of Wales."
"Morning, Charles! Your sons are rather dashing, old boy. You mind if I steal the eldest one for a spin?"
The elevator still smelled like someone had puked all over it. Some things never changed.
The hallway seemed longer than ever before. She was growing extremely aware of the proximity of his shoulder to her own as they walked, and she monetarily pushed him away, distancing herself from his body.
"What's that about?" He gave her a sharp eye.
"You might as well be riding on my back if you get any closer."
He rolled his eyes and stepped away, but she saw the blush creeping up his neck as they stepped into the precinct.
"And there's the happy couple!"
She turned. Munch was holding out the cup of coffee, a completely horrible grin on his face.
Oh god. What perverted idea has he installed in their minds NOW?
"Coffee, Mrs. Tracy?"
"See, Elliot?" She smiled proudly at her partner. "A gentleman."
"That's it- you're all calling me Charles from now on." Elliot grinned as he made his way towards the captain's office.
"Do I want to know?" Munch asked, though his eyebrow was raised in honest interest.
"You can call him 'Chuck' if you want, John." She finished the coffee and followed her partner, extremely glad to be back.
…
The precinct still smelled the same. Coffee, mothballs, the chicken burrito Fin refused to remove from his bottom desk drawer. Three days away and he'd thought the whole world would change, yet everything seemed the same. The city was still awake (for every hour of the day), Munch was still grinning like a pervert, and she was still there. She'd always been there.
But now they were walking down the hall. And they'd come into the room. And all the while he'd known she was there, noticed her more than ever before.
Because every time their eyes met, his would wander over her body and remember how it felt beside his. And was the expression mutual? He'd like to think so.
Dinner. She should come over for dinner. She liked sunsets. She liked yoga too, he knew that now. And tennis, and old movies. And being close to people. Holding people.
Especially holding him.
"Elliot."
What would he make?
"Elliot."
Should he order take-out?
"Elliot…"
Maybe she'd think he was cheap. But she knew him anyway and-
"Elliot!"
"Captain Cragen." His eyes snapped ahead, onto the disgruntled (well, how ELSE would Don Cragen look?) face of his boss.
"Yes, that's my name. And you're in my office." Cragen grabbed his hand, shaking it with his iron grip. "Two days away and you're off your game, eh?"
"Three days."
"No difference. You look like someone slathered you with sunscreen and stuck you on a beach for three months." He looked over his shoulder, a small smile on his face. "And there's Olivia. What did you do to him?"
Olivia suddenly looked very guilty.
"Um…well…"
"Jesus, you two, I was joking." Cragen shook his head, offering them a seat as he sat down himself. "Everyone's gone crazy around this station…"
"Good to be back with the insane people." Olivia said, cracking a smile. Elliot could smell her from where he sat.
She smelled very good.
"So you probably want the low-down." Cragen let out a sigh, producing twin files. "We've had a few…breakthroughs, shall we say? Let me put it this way: the lab techs are underpaid."
Elliot snorted. "Another needle in the haystack incident?"
"Try the Queen Mary in a haystack."
Olivia shifted in her seat. Elliot realized he was becoming acutely aware of all her movements.
"The husband was having hormone therapy."
"Athletics?"
"Gender change."
Elliot whistled, rubbing the back of his neck. "Wow. That's pretty big."
"That's why I thought you needed to hear it. So detectives, the question is: does this add a motive or does this help nail a perp?"
"So it might be a reason to kill him?"
"Or it may be a reason he killed." Olivia said softly, and Elliot turned to her, eyes widening. "If he was changing his sex, who knows what he was trying to cover up? A new sex, a new life…he could walk away from the murder and rape of his wife."
Elliot rolled his eyes. "They checked his semen. They checked his blood, prints, everything. He did not rape his wife."
"Hiring rapists is not unheard of, Elliot."
"So he hires someone to kill his wife, and covers his tracks by changing his gender?" Elliot snorted. "That makes no sense, Liv."
"Can you think of another reason to change your gender following the murder and rape of your wife?" Her eyes were beginning to burn.
Ooh, he loved it.
"Depression. Confusion. Emotional trauma. It will do things to you, I'm sure." Elliot threw up his arms as she shook her head in protest. "Oh please, Liv. You can't tell me you are going to pin this crime on him. And he's not the only one. There's a stack of files out there that you'd pin on him, too? One man trying to get rid of his dick and that makes him a criminal?"
"Someone's sensitive about gender change…" She rolled her eyes and laid back in her chair, arms folded stubbornly across her chest. He tried not to smile at the pout on her face.
Cragen stared at the two of them, mouth half-open. "Did you two go on crack while you were away? Because I have no idea what's going on right now."
Neither one said a word, until Olivia shrugged and stood up. "We have paperwork, right?"
"Well yeah, but…"
"We'll go address it, then."
Elliot followed her out the door, giving her a small wink. She returned it, her eyes flaming again with that satisfied burn.
Cragen came out a minute after them, still rubbing the back of his dazed head.
"The sexual tension too much for you, boss?" Munch quipped as he walked by, giving the captain a wink.
Cragen shook his head, staring at the partners now huddled over a desk. Olivia was leaning across the table, and Elliot was staring at where she was pointing…no, wait. He was staring…across the way. Towards her chest…down her shit. Her shirt. Boobs. Well, who doesn't stare down her shirt after all- NO. Cragen shook his head. That was not the question. The question was…
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?
…
"Goodnight, Chuck!" Munch gave a wave over his shoulder as he headed out the door, Fin following not far behind as he pulled on his hat. Outside, the city still creaked and called, unchanged from the day's pace, but the light had faded and the sky was dark, beckoning to those who would come and summoning the willing to their beds, whether they be mattresses with feather pillows, or a stranger's bed, or the bench beside the park.
"What is he talking about?" Elliot looked up at his partner, bent diligently over the piles of folders before them. She shrugged, grinning.
"Does anyone ever know what Munch is talking about?"
"Good point." He looked down at the words before him again, blurring as an avalanche of emotion swept over his vision. Her knee was pressed up against his, and there was this…this small smile on her face….the same look she'd had when she'd slept next to him that first night. "So Olivia…I was thinking…"
"Paperwork sucks?" She offered, laughing.
He laughed with her, nodding. "Well, I can't disagree there…do you want to have dinner tonight?"
"What?" She stopped laughing, staring quizzically at him.
His pen felt slippery in his sweating palms. His knee bounced against hers again, and he felt himself becoming short of breath. "Do you want to come over for dinner?"
"Sure." She shrugged, smiling at him. It was a friendly smile.
He liked that.
Cragen had emerged from his office, coat under his arm and golf hat resting on top of his head.
"How's the paperwork coming?"
"It's why I entered the force, captain." Elliot cracked a small smile.
Elliot glanced over at his partner, who was staring at him. And as soon as their eyes met, he couldn't help grinning like a teenager.
She was grinning back at him, and then they were grinning at Cragen, who was obviously noticing something was up.
"Good to have you two, er…back." Cragen looked from one to the other, a frown forming on his lips.
"'Night, captain." Olivia gave Cragen a small wave and looked back down to her paperwork. Elliot stared at her before returning to his own, seeing the radiant smile still glued on her face. He continued to grin, unable to stop.
Tonight was going to be perfect.
…
"-so then I look at Munch, and he's hiding in the stall, handing me change from underneath the door. He says: 'Pay Fin right now, or he will bother me about this all day.'" Elliot finished, grinning as he turned the corner. Beside him, Olivia let out a long laugh, her eyes sparkling in the lights of the city.
A/N: That was a Mariska laugh. So picture a Mariska laugh. If you have not seen a RiskaLaugh, you have not lived. Think long loud full cackling bliss.
"That's great," She wheezed, rubbing her eye. "I knew Munch was indebted to Fin, but I had no idea why."
"Well, now you're in on another one of the boy's secrets, thanks to my courtesy."
She rolled her eyes, grinning. "Oh, please! I've weaseled all of your 'little secrets' out of you at my own leisure, time and time again. You guys have hid nothing from me over the years."
He chuckled. "I admit, you probably know more than anyone else about the rule-breaking Munch and Fin have engaged in. But that is only because I tell you about it."
"Well El, you are my window on the world of men, in case you haven't noticed. Who else am I supposed to get this information from?"
"In that case, you owe me."
She gave him a playful frown. "Like what?"
"Like a secret. If I can give you all the sage knowledge of the male sex, than you might as well give me the coveted secret to womanhood."
"Midol and martinis, dear."
"That's unhelpful." He couldn't help smiling as they pulled onto his street. Because all of this was happening. All of this was working out so wonderfully.
I mean, this isn't a date or anything. But it's something personal, and I am sharing it with her. And that's all that matters.
"Fine." She shrugged, rolling her eyes at him again. "Do you really want to know one of my secrets?"
"It's only fair, Liv."
"Alright, I'll tell you." She took a deep breath, closing your eyes. "The thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world is-"
"Oh shit."
The van.
In his driveway. Kathy. The kids.
The kids. He was supposed to…oh shit.
It was his night with the kids. They were at his house this weekend. He was supposed to pick them upf or school.
God, she must be pissed. Kathy must be really pissed.
And now she was here.
And so was Olivia.
Oh shit.
He got out of the car before Olivia could say anything, giving her an "I'll be right back." and running in the door.
Dickie was on the couch, watching a baseball game. He looked up at his dad as he walked in, giving him a half-hearted 'hey' and standing up.
"Look Dickie, I'm so sorry-"
"I don't care." Dickie shrugged. "I had hockey practice. Lizzie just called mom and she picked us up from the school."
"Is she here?"
"Yeah, Lizzie's in the kitchen."
"No, is your mother here?"
"Hey dad!" Lizzie had appeared in the doorway, running forward to give her dad a hug. She sprang into his arms with her usual energy, her hair smelling like cocoa as it met his nostrils. She was getting tall…
Elliot looked over the top of his daughter's head, meeting the eyes of his ex. There she was, still dressed for work, one hand on her hip as she stood in an irritated heat, staring daggers at him as he pulled his daughter from his chest.
Shit again.
"So you're home." She said quickly, pushing past him before he could say anything. "I don't want an explanation- just tell me you'll be here this weekend so that our children won't have to live here unsupervised either."
"I've been working all week, Kathy. I've been away. I just got home this afternoon."
"You didn't have to pick up Dickie and Lizzie until six, yet you were nowhere to be found."
He gritted his teeth. I will not fight in front of my children. I will not fight. "I'm sorry, Kath…I had paperwork, and I stayed late. I'm very sorry, and it will not happen again." He was apologizing like a child. She was his ex for Christ's sake. What had happened to this relationship?
Damned if he knew.
If he had any idea, he probably wouldn't be divorced. And everything would be normal.
Except for-
"Hi Kathy." Olivia had come in behind him, and he turned at the same time as Kathy, facing his partner with equal confusion. His face was still set in a state of anger, and he saw the look on her own face when they met each other's eyes. He felt immediately guilty, hurting her here. In this place. Before this other woman.
I don't want to hurt you, Liv. Not like I've hurt everyone else.
"Hey Olivia," Lizzie said, waving from the couch, a sudden smile on her face. Dickie grinned at Olivia too, who waved back. The kids were always very fond of their father's partner.
Kathy was staring at Olivia as though she were carrying in her child's body. "So this is it." Kathy said, her eyes closing momentarily as she rubbed her temples. "Alright, I'm sorry." She gave her children chaste kisses, making her way to the door as fast as she was able. "I'll see you on Monday."
And she was out the door.
Faster than that first night she'd left.
Olivia was frozen, staring from Elliot to the children. Lizzie and Dickie were turning away, their eyes darkening with the familiar haze of pain. And Elliot…
"Kath, wait!" He followed he rout the door, grabbing her wrist before she had reached the van door. The house door was shut behind him, but she pulled away. "It's not how it looks, Kath. You know Olivia and I are just friends."
"I…" She sniffed loudly, rubbing at her eyes, smudging the eyeliner across her cheek. "I don't care what happens with you, El…I just…you know this is a hard time, right? We're just going through the rough patch."
"Yeah." He nodded, taking her shoulder in his hand. "I'm sorry for making it worse."
"No, you didn't."
And then she looked at him, and he saw it. That space in her eyes. That hole, that vacancy, that vacuum and void in which her darkness swam. The pain she'd harbored. It glimmered brightly for a moment before disappearing behind the hazel hardness, the star dying just as it was born.
"Elliot, we'll work this out. I just…what's going to happen to the kids? We have to think about them, and we haven't. The older ones are handling this alright, or at least they tell me that, and the twins…god, El. They're becoming teenagers. I hate throwing this into the mix."
"We need a better compromise."
"I know…" She sniffed again, giving him an earnest stare. "That's why I want them to stay at my sister's house until further notice."
"What?" He blinked at her, his mouth falling open. "I can't see them?"
"If you're going to be unstable, and not fulfill the agreements, then yes. They're better off with me."
"No, Kathy. We are not going to do this. I can't lose them like this-"
"It's not forever. Just until you…get it together."
"And what about you?" He knew his voice was rising. He knew he was getting angry. But temper be damned, she couldn't DO this. "Are you 'together'? Can you get them through this alone? I don't think so, Kathy."
"Do NOT judge me, Elliot. You know why I left. You KNOW why. I am not getting the kids mixed up in that."
"In what? In me? In their father's life? Because THEIR FATHER isn't important to them?"
"They can stay the weekend. But they're coming home with me and staying home." She slammed the door in his face, backing up.
He stood.
And stared.
And fought back the urge to scream as she drove away, headlights fading into the ebony heart of this night.
…