SPRING-BREAK-WOO-HOO!
god, I love spring break. no school. no work. all play. all the time.
too bad I caught some damn stomach virus. you know, I don't think a week goes by when I don't get sick. and yes, there are some medical issues involved that may have a hand in such occurrences, but STILL. is life fair? sometimes I wonder…
no, I don't wonder. I know it's not.
but enough of my complaining, really. it's too sunny out to be in such a gripy mood.
I am loving this story. partially because I love confusing the hell out of people (to a point) and partially getting into the case is such a ball. I'm sitting here with my Kingdom of Heaven OST blaring, and my barf bucket at my feet, and a blanket around my trembling shoulders, and just TOTALLY LOVING LIFE!
HAYAO MIYAZAKI FEST AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT! WOOT WOOT! If you happen to randomly be passing through the upstate New York area and by chance note an old white colonial house with a lot of bouncing people inside, COME ON IN!
perverts and stalkers and creepos, that was NOT an invitation. (scoff) besides, if you come near I will sick the SPECIAL VICTIMS DETECTIVES on you.
Elliot: growl
yeah, see? they are very dangerous! almost as dangerous as say…the bird flu. but if you come near here, I will most definitely sick you with THE BIRD FLU!
Bird Flu: rawr
yeah, be prepared.
I hate the filthy rich, in case you can't tell. spoiled buggers with their yachts and their keg parties. and they don't invite me! (sob) despite my lack of boobs and my strong distaste for alcohol, I'm slightly a potential beer whore. SLIGHTLY.
actually, I have no potential at all. so I guess I'm stuck being a nerdy writer forever. (sigh)
you all need some OE in your lives. thus it is I, Kate the Gracious but Narcissist Giver, gives it to you. voila!
some exciting things about this chapter: Casey comes! yes, I am sure at least one of you said: 'this story needs Casey' so Casey you get. because who else is Olivia gonna spill to? also, I teach everyone a valuable safe sex lesson: no love without the glove. see what happens? and finally, I may be an atheist, but I am not trying to be sacrilegious in this chapter. you will see what I mean. (and try to tell me this is NOT one of your biggest sex fantasies, people.)
I say no more, so you must read. get to the goods, good friends!
…
He wasn't accustomed to being this comfortable. That's why he had to shake the feeling off as he rolled out of bed, sifting through the sheets piled on either side of the bed to find his pants. No luck. Not even a sock.
"Liv!" He called, not finding her where he'd left her, curled up beside him and letting him run a finger along her thigh. "Liv, where are my pants?"
"I'm doing the laundry." She said, her head appearing in the doorway briefly before disappearing, leaving only the faint scent of coffee to invade his nostrils and tempt his tortured senses.
Shit.
"So what am I supposed to wear?" He yelled back, rolling his eyes and groaning as he pulled her sheets back onto the mattress, covering his lower half. God, had they made that much of a mess last night?
"Oh," She looked apprehensive as she appeared again, walking to his side and examining the situation firsthand. "I see. Well, why don't you just wrap a sheet around you until I'm done?"
"Great," He said, rolling his eyes at her unhelpful advice, though he did as he was told. "Brings me back to my frat days."
Olivia laughed lightly, though her eyebrows were still raised in unspoken suspension.
"Liv," He caught her arm before she could leave, pulling her closer. She remained standing even when his touch beckoned her to the bed. "Something up?"
"No, everything's fine." She shrugged, pulling out of his grasp. Her eyes were not meeting his though, and her body seemed joined in motion with the breeze floating through the open window, flitting and flying by with the hastened rush of the frightened spring, still looking over its shoulder to see if the fatal grasp of winter was not far behind.
"Liv…" He gave her a something-is-up-and-you-damn-well-know-it look, but she didn't seem to respond. "Olivia, what's going on?"
She paused in her flight, turning to him with eyes wide and exposed. "Elliot, did we…" She let out a short laugh, rubbing the back of her neck with an uncomfortable hand. "God, I can't believe I'm asking this. It's just…I don't remember everything very well after things like this, and you can't really let it pass by without knowing…well…" She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.
"Yes, we had sex." He said simply. It wasn't strange anymore. It was almost…thrilling to say it. To realize it. To know it. To know deep in your heart you'd finally tasted happiness.
"I know that." She said, laughing again, or at least trying to laugh. It didn't come out very well. "But did we use…"
At this, he too had to pause. Because no, they hadn't. Neither time. And yeah, he was safe, and he was pretty damn sure she was safe, but…god, she was a woman. Women could never be completely safe if it was…raw and whatnot. And what if…
"No, we didn't. Are you…are you on the pill?"
"No Elliot, I'm not." Her voice broke and raised in its volume. She rubbed her temples with a trembling hand, collapsing onto the bed beside him. "Goddamn it, El. I haven't had a sexual relationship in over a year. Why the hell would I be on the pill?" Her voice was frantic now, flying past his ears. He grabbed her shoulder as though to hold her to earth before she disappeared into the silver sky.
"Hey, Liv…" He took a deep breath. "These things…we'll figure it out. Don't worry."
"Don't tell me not to worry." She ran a stray hand through her hair, avoiding his eye. "Damn it, Elliot. We can't just…we can't just do something like this and think it's going to be okay. This is so…" She stood up, pacing at the front of the bed. He sat motionless, helpless, watching her go with pain in his eyes. Pain he somehow could not express.
"Liv…" He whispered, watching the fragile line of existence they'd created beginning to pull apart before his eyes.
"No," She froze in place, her eyes widening. "I can't…do this."
He frowned. "Can't do what?"
"I can't do something like this." She made her way to the door, her back speeding out of view. He took to his feet, sheet wrapped around his middle.
"Liv! What are-"
"I can't do this right now." She cried over her shoulder, hands now to her face in a desperate gesture. He reached for her arm, her shoulder, anything. But she was pulling away. She was tearing herself away from him. And for what?
"Liv, listen to me-"
"No, Elliot." She spun on her heel, and he found her eyes before him, filled with the helpless tears of a woman lost. "Please. I'm so sorry…but…I can't do this anymore."
"Liv, you…you don't…"
"We can't be off doing…this…right now, and I can't…I can't get myself involved."
"What?" He felt the world beginning to crumble, one lonely piece at a time. First went his heart, cracking down the very middle. "So what was all that then? So the sex means nothing to you? That's not involvement?"
"The sex means I could be pregnant, Elliot!" She screamed back, her eyes flashing in the dim light of daybreak. "We just jumped right into this without even thinking! Do you know what kind of a risk we're taking?"
"We've already taken it, and we've been doing it for as long as I can remember! For Christ's sake Liv, didn't you want this?"
"Of course I…" She covered her eyes, letting out a dry sob. "Damn it El, we shouldn't have even fucking started."
"Liv…" He reached out a warm hand but she pushed it away with all of her might, her eyes narrowing.
"No, Elliot. It's over."
"You don't…want this?"
"No, I don't."
His heart seemed to be gasping for breath, drowning in the blood she was spilling over it. "But we…you never…"
"I'm sorry." She whispered, her eyes filling with unchecked tears. And it was all she could say, he knew that. She left the room, slamming her bedroom door behind her.
He went to the basement of the building and pulled his clothes from the washing machines, still wet. He shrugged them on, shivering as the moist denim met his skin. He didn't mind and he didn't feel and he didn't know.
He was just dead. Dead to the world and dead to himself.
And most of all, dead to her.
…
The door to the office was open, as usual, but Olivia knocked anyway, her knuckles rapping against mahogany with painful results. Everything hurt today. Everything.
"Yes?" The redhead looked up from her desk, blinking at the visitor and putting down the pen in her hand. "Olivia," She smiled, beckoning at the seat before her. "What's up?"
"Are you busy? I'm sorry," Olivia remained in the doorway, eyeing the folders on Casey's desk. The woman shook her head, still smiling.
"Actually, I'm four files and three hours ahead of where the DA wants me. So you arrived at the perfect time," She leaned back in her chair, grinning when Olivia took the seat ahead of her. "You want some coffee? They just put in a cappuccino machine on the second floor, and it's rather tasty…"
Olivia shook her head, her hands trembling. Her head was swimming, and she felt as though at any moment her breakfast was going to end up on Casey's desktop. Her own words were floating through her mind like discarded trash, being replayed over and over in a vicious cycle she couldn't ignore.
"Casey, I didn't know who else to come to. You have to understand…I never…"
Casey leaned forward, frowning. She stared at her friend, her eyes narrowing in earnest misunderstanding. "Liv, what's this about?"
"I've just…I think..." She looked up into her eyes, her voice choking with each word. "I think I've just lost him."
"Who?"
"I mean, I said it was about the sex. I thought it was about the sex, but it really wasn't. It was just waking up and having him there, in my bed…in my bed. His bed was fine; it wasn't my bed. But my bed…my house…naked in my house. He walked around in a sheet, for Christ's sake. In my apartment. The apartment that I shower in and get sick in and have monthly tantrums in. You know, we could have-" She was just rambling at this point, eyes and hands flying through the air, unable to focus. Casey grabbed her wrist suddenly, and she froze, her voice dying on the spot.
Casey stared at her with the hard-ADA eyes she seldom used on her close companions. "Who the hell are you having sex with?"
Olivia took a deep breath, feeling the well of emotion in her chest beginning to overflow, running over the cracked walls of her heart and spilling down her soul. "Elliot."
"You're having sex with Elliot?" Casey's eyes were an abnormally large size. "Since when?"
"Um…two night ago, actually."
"What was the occasion?" Casey stopped herself, taking a deep breath. "No, I'm sorry…I didn't mean it that way. It's just…wow. You two have always had the sexual tension thing going, but I had no idea you were actually going to…"
"Fulfill the office prophecy?"
Casey bit her lip, eyes going to her hands, now shifting the files with awkward movements on her desk. "Well, yes…" She suddenly gave Olivia a curious glance. "And you 'lost him'? You mean you broke up?"
"I told him I couldn't do this anymore. Which is pretty moronic anyway, since we've only been at this for two days." She let out a deep sigh. "God, I was such a fucking idiot."
"No, it's alright…" Casey lightly touched her friend's palm, giving her fingers a sudden but warm squeeze. "So you two just decided to…get together?"
"I don't know…" She ran her fingers through her hair, as if to cleanse her mind of the vapid thoughts running through it. "One day we were just awkward partners, not knowing what to say to each other without feeling like fools. And then suddenly…we realized how short it could be. How little time we had left. And we sort of said it."
"Said what?"
"We said we loved each other. And then all of a sudden we were in bed. I mean, it didn't happen that quickly. We took it slow for maybe a day or two. And then out of nowhere we're having sex."
"Do you regret it?"
"What?" She blinked, not comprehending. Not with his face still fresh in her mind.
"Do you regret it? Having sex?"
"Oh god, no. It was…it was amazing." She allowed herself a small smile, remembering the ecstasy of those blinding moments beneath him. "I wouldn't take back those nights for anything in the world."
"Was it safe?"
"Casey…" Olivia bit her lip, trying to smile and shrug it off. But she couldn't.
"Was it?"
"No." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Breathing in the shadow around her. "And that's why I said I wanted it to end. I thought I was angry. I thought we'd taken too much of a risk. That we were just jumping in without thinking. But it wasn't that." She examined her hands, suddenly so thin in her sight. "I woke up and saw him in my bed. I woke up and I was lying in Elliot Stabler's arms. And his hands were on my fucking breasts. Elliot Stabler's hands." She could kick herself. "I had no idea how to handle waking up with Elliot Stabler's fucking hands on my fucking boobs, so I panicked."
"You've brought guys home before, haven't you?"
"Well yeah, a few. But not Elliot. You see Elliot next to you and suddenly it's like your whole future is just…"
She gasped. Your future.
Oh christ.
Elliot, you're the only future I've ever had. I've built everything around it.
So why am I so fucking afraid?
Casey smiled suddenly, leaning back in her chair. "You can really see yourself with him for a long time, can't you?"
"Forever…" She whispered, feeling a tear forming in her eye. One lone tear to wipe away one lone memory. "And now I've just driven him away. I told him I was afraid of getting pregnant and being dependent and not knowing what was going on. I told him I was afraid of getting too involved. But I was really just afraid of ever letting go."
"So what are you going to do?"
"That's why I came here, Case. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
Casey smirked, shrugging. "What do you think?"
"I don't know. Call him? Go to his house? Explain whatever the hell I did to him?"
"Sounds good to me." Casey gave her friend a warm smile. "You have to tell him the truth, Liv. That's all he wants to hear, you know."
"You think so?"
"I've been through some of the worst breakups known to man, and trust me, I never had any reason to go back to these losers. But you can't just give this up if you're still in love. Do you think people don't have relationship issues all the time? You're supposed to do stupid things when you're in love. It comes with the territory."
"Thanks, Case." Olivia smiled, standing up, catching her breath. "I…I'll see you later, then."
"I might just need you for the Hannett trial tomorrow. I'll call you, Liv." And she knew she'd call whether or not it was for a case.
"Thanks. Really."
And she walked out the door, leaving something of the shadow behind, finding something brilliant to wear over her heart instead.
…
On his knees. That's where he could figure things out. Where the world was a simpler, gentler place. And if it wasn't always gentler, then at least he could deal with it here. At least there was someone else to keep it up for him.
Yet prayer could not satisfy Elliot Stabler today. The velvet covered kneelers of St. Matthew's were hardly repose for his weary mind, the empty pews before him only reminders of his loneliness. A few more of the faithful were scattered about the church, heads bowed and rosaries lifted. But Elliot didn't feel like praising any God today. Today he just wanted to damn himself to hell and leave it at that.
I don't know what I did to her. What did I do to her?
And I don't know why I left. I should have stayed. Isn't that the right thing, staying?
Am I supposed to call her? Am I supposed to try to make amends first, to show I forgave her?
And am I supposed to be having sex with her at all before the divorce is even final?
Sorry about that, God. I'll say 15 Hail Mary's for that one, I promise.
There were soft footsteps echoing down the row of pews as someone else entered the church, taking long but hesitant strides down the hall. He didn't turn, but kept to his prayer, kept to asking God for something. Anything.
But then the footsteps stopped at his row, and he turned to look into those eyes. Her eyes.
"What…"
"I need to talk with you." She slid in beside him, both of them trembling when their bodies unexpectedly touched. "I…I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."
"How did you find me?"
"A good guess," She stared at him, her eyes wide and meaningful. He reached out a wary hand, touching the soft skin of her cheek, stroking a finger against the tear forming on her eyelid. "I'm so sorry, El. I never meant it."
"I know." He said it simply, because it was true. He'd known she didn't mean it. He'd known she'd never give him up. He'd known he couldn't give her up at all. "I'm sorry I left."
"I'm not worried, El. I don't care about getting pregnant or getting too involved. I just know I can't do anything without you. I know I can't feel without you, and for that I'm afraid."
"Then don't be."
And just like that, he kissed her. He leaned forward and grabbed her shoulders and kissed her. It was one of those kisses you never forget, because of how long it lasts and how hard you are trying. And how amazing it feels. God, it was fucking amazing. Only a few hours away from her and already he'd begun to miss her kisses like mad.
They went quietly to the backstairs beneath the choir loft, and there he kissed her again. Again and again.
"Elliot…Elliot, I really do need you." She whispered it in his ear as she removed his jacket, pulling off the tie he'd struggled to put on that day.
"I know." He was taking off her shirt, loving every button he undid, longing for every inch of skin that was revealed. "I know…"
…
"Father forgive me for I have sinned. It has been four weeks since my last confession."
Elliot watched the screen shift momentarily as the priest's shadow flickered behind it, making the sign of the cross. "God bless you my, son. What are your sins?"
"I took the lord's name in vain countless times, father."
"Five Hail Mary's, and ten Our Father's. Dwell on Our Lord's sacredness.
"I hated a man, Father. I hated him so much I wanted him dead."
"Five Apostle's Creeds. Remember we are to love one another, no matter our neighbor's failings."
"I had sex in the back of the church with a woman I am not married to."
There was a coughing sort of noise from the other side of the screen, and then an all-out choke.
"Father?" Elliot peered around the curtain, catching a glimpse of the young priest now coughing horrifically into his tissue. "Father?"
And despite his sins, Elliot Stabler could not help smiling.