The Beginning of Forever
AN- I am so sorry for the delay. You would not believe how busy I have been at work which, considering this chapter was beyond evil to write, did not help speed things up. Thank you so much for your reviews on the last chapter. This...is not a fun chapter (I know, surprising, right?;)) but considering what it's about, it kinda had to go like that. I really hope you enjoy and please, let me know what you think.
I believe that we were born to find each other and to be together forever. I know I was supposed to die that day but I didn't. I have to believe that whatever is controlling us will understand that I can't live without you – I can survive without you, but I can't live without you. I have to believe that the people who love me will understand that this is the only thing I can do.
The shoes had been fired into the nearest box as she had entered her apartment, her purse, jacket and keys sat on the counter as she closed the door and shut her eyes in response. This was not the way that Gabriella had anticipated spending the night and a part of her was so angry with Taylor for trying to trick her like that. Somehow an agreement to meet Taylor for a drink and dinner had turned into a blind-date.
She gave a small scream in frustration as she resisted the urge to call Taylor and yell at her for doing that. She knew that Taylor's actions were done with the best intentions, but that didn't matter. Her last night was ruined – she had wanted to spend the night having fun with her friend, and instead she was making excuses as to why she couldn't stay to guy who seemed baffled as to what was going on.
It was perhaps a good job that she wouldn't speak to Taylor again...an argument was the absolute last thing she wanted – she had done too much fighting in the last fourteen months and she was tired of it.
She opened her eyes and went out the door until she reached the elevator. Her bare feet curled underneath her in reaction to the cool surface, but she found the sensation almost exhilarating. It was amazing how even the littlest things had felt amazing since she had made her decision to leave...not that anyone would ever understand what that felt like.
She wasn't depressed – it wasn't as simple as that. There were no magic pills, or cures, or words that could make it all better. She could laugh, and smile and that was fine, but it wasn't real. She was...existing. She could say the right things, and smile at the right times but she couldn't remember the last time that she had genuinely felt like herself until this moment.
The irony was, of course, that it would be this moment, this last couple of weeks, this act that would make the most sense to her, but make the least sense to everyone else.
She knew what she was doing was unforgiveable. She knew she was going to hurt the people she loved and she knew that was she was doing was wrong, yet she couldn't bring herself to stop.
It was destiny. Fate.
It was the only thing that made sense anymore.
She had once read a quote from Oscar Wilde once that told how 'to live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.' And at the time she hadn't really understood the difference between living and surviving – surely they were the same thing? The problem was, at that point, she had been living. She had everything she had ever dreamed about in her grasp and she was happy but when she had lost all that, the difference became stark – surviving, getting through a day without feeling anything properly, looking forward to the dreams that would simultaneously heal and torture her while she slept, yet despite the pain every morning brought after one, she still preferred them than her normal life where facades and fake smiles were the norm.
Living was easy and surviving was what was hard.
She had no idea how anyone could handle it. Perhaps if you didn't know how good life could be you could get through it – but to know how good it should be and to miss it? It was impossible. You could smile, and laugh, and try so hard to be happy but in the end there would always be something missing. Some part of you that was absent.
What didn't kill you made you stronger.
Survival of the fittest.
Life goes on.
All the sayings, all the well worked quotes, all the 'pep-talks' failed to mention the fact that it was all a load of crap. Good intentions, effort, strength could only do so much.
She sighed as she looked out towards the city, letting the warm breeze wash over her and her anger at Taylor eke away in the wind.
She really loved this apartment but she had to leave and this...this was the right time, the right decision.
The only decision and although she should feel sad, it was impossible for her to do it and again, she felt the broad smile come over her face and the tingles that were a mixture of anticipation and excitement dance in her stomach. She hadn't felt like this in fourteen months but here, now...that torturous time was over. The loneliness, the ache she carried around with her, the incompleteness was going to go, nothing more than a temporary blip, a glitch in the plan.
Nothing was forever.
Apart from her and him.
She sat down on the roof of their building and sighed as she looked out at the orange glow in the sky. It was a beautiful night.
They always had something with roofs and heights. There was something about being off the ground that did things to them, and Gabriella wasn't sure why she hadn't realised it before. They met in the mountains, they sang together on a stage, she fell in love with him on a balcony, he carved their initials on a tree, he dropped out of a tree to propose and they spent countless nights on the roof of their building once they moved in watching the sunset, or studying, or having dinner. It wasn't private, and it certainly wasn't the most romantic or comfortable setting, but it was theirs for the most part and that was all that mattered. Occasionally she would come up to study and the old woman from one of the apartments below them would be watering some plants, or other random people like that, but for the most part it had been theirs.
Leaving was always going to be difficult, but she knew that she couldn't really say goodbye without spending some time here tonight. Some of her happiest memories took place on this roof and she hadn't spent nearly enough time reliving them. There was no time like the present for that though...
"Troy! Please can I open my eyes?" she whined as he sat her down, manoeuvring her every so often as he rushed about. "I promise I'll be surprised…"
"Um, no..." he said slowly as she felt him drop down beside her. "It's your birthday present and you have to be surprised, and not just pretend surprised, but properly surprised because I was a lousy boyfriend and was out of town for your birthday."
"You had a game," she said softly, grasping vainly for his hand whilst keeping her eyes closed so as not to ruin the surprise. "You know it doesn't bother me."
"It bothers me though," he said as he stood and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Okay when I go out the door you can open your eyes, okay?"
"You know," she said feigning annoyance. "God created gift bags and wrapping paper to avoid these sorts of moment."
He leant over and kissed her lips before pulling back, rubbing her hands with his for a second. "It's a good surprise, I promise."
"Do I get a clue?"
"Nope," he said as she felt him stand and heard him pick something up. "I'll see you in a couple of minutes."
As soon as she heard the door closed she waited a moment and called out loudly. "I'm uncovering my eyes now - if there's any reason I shouldn't, now would be a good time to tell me."
"Uncover them!" he called back. "Then bring me my shirt when you answer the door. I swear this building's AC is trashed because it's freezing out here!"
She giggled as she stood up, looking around to see if there was anything suspicious, only to find nothing. She waited a moment before walking over to the door, where there was a faint knock.
"Who is it?"
"The Easter Bunny," his un-amused voice echoed back.
"Do you have certification, Mr Bunny because my boyfriend is due home soon and he might not like me letting strangers in the apartment?" she asked back in a faux serious tone as she looked through the peephole to see him standing there in just his pants and wife beater. "Why didn't you put a shirt on before you went out?"
"Are you checking me out via the peep hole?" he asked as he brought his face closer to the door before slamming his hand over it, darkening her view. "Cause that's cheating."
She pouted as she unlocked the door and opened it just wide enough to peek an eye out. "You didn't specify that. Your only requirement was that I didn't peek when you were in the apartment."
"Well...new rule. No checking me out when there's a door separating us. Actually – revised rule, no checking me out at all because it's just going to get me distracted...again."
"You have more willpower than that, Wildcat," she purred, causing his eyes to close in reaction before he opened them again. she had missed this while he was away and now that she was back it was like the pair of them were in over-drive to make up for lost time.
"Not funny, Montez," he said with a shake of his head. "You have to be nice."
"I can be nice..."
"If you don't open the door properly than you don't get your presents," he bargained, causing her to purse her lips in contemplation. Seeing that she wasn't yet swayed he reached behind his back and produced a flower that he presented her with. She smiled as she recognised it as being similar to the one he had put on her corsage for prom a few years earlier. She bit her lip as she accepted it with a smile, opening the door for him, only to squeak in surprise as he pulled her out it, grabbing the shirt she was holding whilst pushing her against the wall with his other hand. "Happy twentieth birthday, baby."
"Thank you," she smiled as he closed the door, and immediately caged her against the wall. "Although I'm curious as to why you have kidnapped me from our apartment?"
He bit his lip to keep the smirk off his face. "Hmmm, what possible reason could I have?"
Before she could reply he had grabbed her hand and began running down the hallway with her towards the elevator. He grinned at her as he pulled her inside and hit for the top floor. They made the journey in silence before the doors opened onto the rooftop that she normally spent time on studying, only to reveal a picnic sitting laid out, complete with a covered birthday cake and presents. She was speechless as he leant into her ear and spoke.
"See, I had to pick you up at the door for it to be a proper date and although I was, admittedly, slightly distracted earlier, I still wanted to do it properly."
"You did this for me?" she whispered as she looked around, the setting sun casting a perfect glow on the setting. "Thank you."
He pressed his lips to her ear as his arms tightened around her. "I was going to take you somewhere nice, but...I haven't seen you in a week and it may be selfish, but I don't want to share," every word of his statement was accompanied by either a kiss or a squeeze. "I'll do the big dinner thing for Valentine's Day but tonight I just want it to be us at our own pace, not having to deal with waiters checking you out, or concentrating on not ending up wrapped round a road sign because I am trying so hard to concentrate on not kissing you on the way home."
"This..." she spun around so she could look at him. "This is so much better than a big dinner. This is perfect," she closed her eyes and leant her head against his chest, cuddling close. "Thank you so much."
He pulled back slightly as he began shepherding her over to their dinner. "Well, you say it's perfect – but obviously your standards are low because the food is all cold and it's a little chillier than I planned on account of us getting...let's just say distracted...before."
She giggled as she got pulled into his arms and planted a kiss on the exposed skin on his neck. "Distracted is a good word. I see cake, and I am sure somewhere in that icebox is some chocolate of some kind and we have a sunset, and a beautiful night and, we're together, so for me...this is perfect."
"I love you." He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to hers. "You leave me lots of scope to improve on birthday celebrations whilst making me feel like I hit it out the park with the date we're on whether it's just us chilling out or away somewhere swanky where we are always getting the odd looks for mispronouncing the menu and moving our chairs closer."
She burst out laughing at his comment, causing him to grin more. "In fairness, I think they had spelling error on the menu because that was just...no one can pronounce words like that!"
"Which is why, when we go to Europe we are only eating in English speaking restaurants so we don't look like dumb tourists."
"But we will be dumb tourists," she teased as she looked up.
"At least we have our looks, I guess," he sighed dramatically, causing her to giggle again. "Seriously though, Gabi – I promise next year's birthday will be kickass and actually on your birthday, and not a day later."
She stroked his cheek before pushing his hair off his face. "You are planning an event a year down the line..."
"Well...yeah," he said with a scowl as he lifted her hand up and pointed out the promise he had given her at Christmas that was on her finger. "The ring kinda says that it's acceptable to plan events for the future, right?"
She bit her lip and nodded as she kissed him gently. "I think so."
"Me too," he murmured as he pulled her hips closer, trying to capture her lips again only for her to pull back with a smirk as she began dancing our of his grasp over towards the food. "Baby...come back until I finish kissing you."
"Nope, because you, Mr Bolton, won't be happy with just kissing as you so aptly demonstrated a few hours ago when you came home," she chided playfully before dropping down on the blanket. "Come and eat with me."
"I swear, one of these days I am going to convince you that kissing me is preferable to chocolate covered strawberries..." he mumbled as he looked down at her excited face as she grinned up at him.
"You have forever to convince me of that improbable fact, Wildcat," she giggled as she stretched her arm out for him, pulling him down beside her as she leant close and kissed his cheek before leaning against his shoulder. "If it's any consolation, kissing you is a close second."
He rolled his eyes, causing her to laugh as he reached around and swooped at the fruit she was holding and scoffed it down. "I regret the day I made that a picnic staple instead of just making out with you like any self respecting teenage boy would have done."
She nudged him slightly, sticking her lower lip out in a pout as she scooted away, clutching the bowl with her as she went. "Just for that – you don't get any strawberries and we're not making out either."
His eyes sparkled then as he began crawling over towards her. "Ah, you say that now but I have the cake, and your presents over here beside me..."
"Meh – as if I could be so easily swayed," she scoffed dramatically, throwing in a hair flip as she did so. "I am perfectly content over here."
"What if I said one of those presents held tickets to a certain theme park that someone has wanted to visit since we moved to California?"
Gabriella almost squeaked as she practically launched herself at him. Somehow though, at the last moment she was able to hold back her excitement as she pretended her movement forward had been planned as she adjusted in the air and instead fell dramatically onto her elbow in what she hoped looked like a nonchalant gesture. His knowing smirk told her that he wasn't fooled, but she could care less at this stage. She pretended to ponder before she reached into the bowl and offered him a strawberry. "Truce?"
"As if I could be so easily swayed," he repeated back to her with a grin as he shook his head, causing her to roll her eyes as she sat the bowl down and began crawling over to him.
She leant in and pressed her lips to his, her hands finding his collar and hair, pulling him closer as his own found her waist so he could pull her even closer. She pulled back breathlessly, her lips still against his as she whispered. "Truce?"
"I'm open to negotiations," he replied softly before attaching their lips again, the strawberries, cake and Disney World tickets forgotten as they fell back on the blanket.
When Gabriella had first laid eyes on her current apartment she would be lying if she said she had loved it. She and Troy had lost a day of apartment hunting as they had pretty much ended up stuck in his room all day, and it was left until the following weekend when they got around to looking at actual properties instead of just ads. The first apartment they had looked at had been perfect – it was large, airy, had the most beautiful view over the park, the neighbours were nice and there was good parking. It was perfect, but, unfortunately, it was too perfect for them and the price was out of range for two students to afford so, sensing Troy's disappointment she had picked an imaginary flaw and pretended that she couldn't have been happy there anyway and instead dragged him towards the more realistic apartments a few blocks down where the rooms weren't so roomy, and the view wasn't so impressive, and waited until she saw something click with him. Six apartments later, and it happened. They had walked into this building and the elevator was getting maintained which meant they had to walk the seven flights of stairs, which immediately put them both off, and half way up a screaming child chased his brother as he clutched a baseball glove and bat barged past them. Getting to their floor, the pair of them had shared a look wondering why they were wasting their time, but before they could say anything out loud, the apartment opened and as they stepped in, Gabriella could see Troy smile as he looked around. She didn't really see what he saw right away – for her the place was too dark and miserable and as she looked around she was finding it hard to see what it could be until he stood behind her, wrapped his arm around her waist, pressed his lips to her ear and whispered – 'this could be our home'.
She didn't even bother looking round the rest of the apartment as she immediately spun in his arms and nodded yes.
They moved in together three weeks later and Gabriella had spent her free time before college started back with a paint brush in her hand as she attempted to make the apartment their home. It hadn't been easy – Troy's pre-season schedule was brutal and as a result she had to enforce a curfew of 7 PM with the decorating equipment, in fear that he would come home and want to spend hours decorating when he should be resting.
Sitting on the kitchen counter now as she looked into the lounge she could still remember every single attempt he made to 'break curfew' in that regard, which had resulted in desperate measures as he had began painting at 4am, citing it was a different day so the rule didn't apply and her hiding the paint on the roof so he couldn't find it. she smiled in memory as she thought of how the three decorating weeks had resulted in more petty tricks and underhanded scheming by the pair of them than at any other time in their relationship – she would lure him back to bed by any powers of seduction she could get him to succumb to and he would, in turn, distract her with dragging her into another room where he would have a picnic set up, or remove a dessert from the fridge that he had stashed, or would produce a flower he had hidden making it impossible for her to even feign being mad at him. He was actually far sneakier and more conniving than anyone would ever give him credit for.
Their home had eventually been finished – of course not without the odd disaster. There was the dent in the wall from the ill-fated Thanksgiving football throwing lesson that Troy had tried to give her. Underneath the beanbag in the lounge there was a stain from when she knocked over a bottle of dark nail varnish whilst engrossed in the latest Grey's Anatomy love triangle. He of course had never found out about it because he had a bad habit of vacuuming around objects when he cleaned up...
Then of course there was the busted light fitting that had been caused by him accidentally tossing a basketball too high in the air. He had attempted to blame her on it on account of it being her that had distracted him, but she refused to be swayed...
She sighed as she looked down at the phone in her hand and took a deep breath. She wished she could just sit and reminisce about their time together and let everything else work itself out, but she knew she couldn't do that. She didn't want to call her mom, but she knew she had to. They had spoken on the phone recently, but their last face to face meeting had been somewhat of a disaster and although it wasn't mentioned anymore, she didn't want any part of that day to still be lingering after tonight.
She had been hoping the day would pass without comment. It was always going to be difficult considering, but she had got through his birthday, her birthday, Christmas and New Year so she had no reason to believe that she couldn't get past Valentine's Day. Sure, it was a year since he had proposed but she was trying hard not to dwell on it. She had avoided going to class, knowing the sight of the tree and the fountain and the happy couples around her would tip her over the edge, so she had went and fled to a coffee shop miles away from anyone who would possibly know her or would have read the 'tragic story' in the newspaper from the trial coverage. She couldn't run all day though and after four hours spent avoiding doing anything remotely like thinking, she found herself on her way home leaning against the window of a bus.
She had got home to the empty apartment and walked in; her purse and jacket dropped by the door as she walked over to the sofa and sat down. She wouldn't cry as much as she wanted to – today had been the best day of her life, and although it tore her apart, she didn't want to spoil the memory of that day with breaking down on its anniversary. She could remember the year previous like it was yesterday, his nervousness, her cluelessness and the most perfect proposal. She looked down at her left hand and missed the ring that was supposed to adorn her finger. Her fingers itched to put it on where it deserved, but she knew that if she put it on again she would never take it off and she had promised her mom and everyone that she...that she would do this for them. Everything was for them.
She was knocked out of her reverie by the sound of someone knocking on her apartment's door. She was going to ignore it, but another knock, followed by another caused her to stand and trudge over to open it, only to find her mother standing there for the first time since New Year's. Instinctively she stood aside to let her in. As many fake smiles as she had directed at people in the past, she had no inclination to give one to her mom.
"Hi, Mom."
"Hi Gabi," her mom began brightly before flinching slightly and correcting herself. "Gabriella."
Gabriella nodded in appreciation of the correction as she closed the door and shifted awkwardly as she watched her mom try and analyse her home – as though she were looking for evidence, or signs that Gabriella wasn't doing something right.
"How are you feeling?"
Gabriella's eyes flicked open at the inane question - how was she supposed to answer that? What was the suitable response?'Hey Mom, I'm awesome – I got engaged a year ago today to the guy you impersonated for three weeks when in reality he was in a hole in the ground a thousand miles away.' "I'm feeling okay…"
"Okay," her mom breathed as she brought her gaze up to the mantle that used to hold multiple picture frames, but which was now empty. Gabriella saw the smile flicker over her mom's face and felt her anger rise before she reminded herself that it wasn't worth it. No one ever understood before, so they wouldn't understand now. "Taylor was telling me that you both went out for your birthday along with Ryan and Kelsi. She said you had fun."
"Yeah…" she responded. Her mom didn't need to know that the idea of fun today was different than it had been a year ago. She didn't need to know that she had been plotting her escape before they even left the apartment and she certainly didn't need to know that it was almost as hard to talk to her best friend now as it was to talk to her own mother. Too much had happened and although Gabriella was trying to be the better person, she just couldn't pretend that everything was okay. "It was nice of Taylor…"
"I thought you might have dropped round…"
"I've been busy with school," she lied as she looked down. "Last year and all…"
Isabella Montez sighed and nodded as she walked over to the bulletin board and studied it before turning back and sitting on the sofa. Gabriella closed her eyes and prayed for her mother to leave, but Isabella seemed more than happy to sit there and psychoanalyse her daughter.
"How are things with Doctor Suarez?"
"I talk, she listens and tells me to talk some more, then I leave and the pattern continues."
"I noticed that you still haven't taken the map…"
Gabriella narrowed her eyes as she glared at her mother, who seemed to shrink back in response at her daughter's silent accusation.
"What?"
"I just…you aren't going to go on the trip now and it seems…"
"It seems like I am keeping it up because of what it represents. It's the same as people having a photo of a beach, or a pin-up, or a big house – it's a dream, it doesn't mean anything." She growled lowly as she looked at her mom. "Look around - no photos, no necklace, no ring. I've done it all to make you happy so please, trust me, okay?"
"It's not about making me happy, Gabriella," her mom said quietly as she met Gabriella's eye. "It's about making you happy. Why don't you come live with me? I'll rent an apartment near Stanford and you can spend your last few months there and then once you graduate we'll go trav…"
"No," Gabriella cut her off, taking a deep breath and shaking her head resolutely as she walked towards the kitchen, trying to signal that the conversation was done. Every time they spoke the suggestion of Gabriella moving out to live with her mom, or with Taylor got broached and Gabriella had tried every way of letting them know that it wouldn't happen. She had tried to be nice, she had tried to be blunt and she had tried yelling and being silent, but no matter how many times she said no, they just didn't listen. "Just…no."
"I don't like you living here on your own. Living with a ghost isn't helping you heal."
Her mom's voice was quiet, but Gabriella heard and her face contorted into a snarl at the audacity of her mother. "Yeah well, living with someone I can't trust wouldn't exactly be conducive to the healing process either, would it?"
"Gabi…"
"Gabriella," she corrected again, her back still to her mother. "I'm not fighting with you over this, Mom. Please just respect my decisions for once." She took a deep breath before she forced a smile on her face. "Would you like some coffee or something cold to drink? I guess if you want we could order some food in or something..."
"I'm not letting you wish away your life, Gabriella. Do not expect me to watch you waste away pining for something that is gone forever."
"I might have tea in the cupboards somewhere," Gabriella babbled as mentally she tried to block out her mom. She didn't want to fight; she didn't want to argue again. She hated fighting with her mom and she knew that after every discussion like this the already fractured relationship disintegrated that little bit more. "Although it might only be fruit stuff now that I think about it…"
"Taunting yourself with what could have been is not the way to live your life."
Counting to ten, Gabriella pulled a package from the cupboard and forced a smile on her face. "Here it is. Raspberry leaf tea - sorry, I know it's not very exciting but I can chill it for you if you would like that as opposed to coffee or a soft-drink. Did you know that Taylor was only drinking green-tea now? I might need to try that…"
"How do you expect to heal if you are looking at that every day? For crying out loud, Gabriella – is this all you want from your life? You didn't die in that car!"
Gabriella fought against the tears, her own hair shielding her as she gave up trying to control herself. Why was her mother doing this to her? Hadn't she done enough? The time on the clock taunting her as she discreetly wiped her eyes before turning back; her eyes focused as she marched past her mother and went to the bulletin board. She reached up and ripped the map down, feeling something break as she did so. She hadn't been ready to do that, but she knew she had to if she wanted to get any peace from the woman she couldn't even bear to look at.
As the little push pins fell from the locations, and the coloured post-its that had contained their travel and accommodation ideas fell like confetti Gabriella looked up at her mother, holding the torn papers in her hand and offered her a fake smile. "Happy now? There's no map, no post-it notes, no route, nothing – he's all gone now. Are you happy now? Does that prove to you that I am trying hard enough so that you all will finally leave me alone or do I need to do something else?"
"Gabi..."
"Gabriella."
"Gabriella," Isabella began slowly as she reached up and wiped a tear that had seeped from Gabriella's eyes, as Gabriella struggled to keep her lower lip from trembling some more. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to push it's just…"
"You can't help yourself. I get it. It's fine."
"No, I'm really sorry..."
"Yeah, you're always sorry after the fact, Mom. Just forget about it. It doesn't matter just..." she trailed off as she looked around. "I guess you don't want anything to drink so I'll let you go," Gabriella said as she pulled away from her mother's touch, her hands balling in fists around her torn map. "I'm fine mom, thanks for coming."
"I broke you, didn't I?" Isabella whispered as she looked at her daughter, her own eyes filling with tears. "I keep breaking you by making you do this too quickly and I don't know how to put you back together. I just…I try and compare it to when your dad left us but it's not the same, is it? I just want you to be happy, baby. I want…I want to take this pain from you, somehow and the only way I know is to get you away from all of this – all of the memories, all of the sadness and pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you forget everything, but I can't so I'm just trying to make it easier..."
"I don't want to forget. Why can't any of you understand that?" Gabriella responded, causing her mom to shake her head sadly. "I'm fine."
"You're not. I was wrong to do what I did to you, Gabriella," she took a deep breath as Gabriella kept her gaze steady and nodded, willing to agree with that. "I don't think I've handled one bit of this properly. Making you go to Dr Suarez, making you take the pictures down, making you…making you hurt more. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Gabriella whispered, them both knowing that it wasn't fine, but neither willing to go into that at that moment in time. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?"
"Are you feeling stronger?"
"I'm not dead, so I must be stronger," Gabriella said as she dropped her gaze.
They stood in silence for a few moments before her mother began backing towards the door. "I guess…I guess I better go. I'm going to Denver for a few months. I'm supposed to leave in the middle of March but if you want me to stay I can..."
"You should go. You like Denver," Gabriella said as she met her mom's gaze. "Have a safe trip and I'll see you when you get back."
"Oh...okay then. I guess...I guess I'll see you before I go, okay?"
Gabriella nodded dully and briefly thought about asking her mom to stay, to try and rebuild some fences, to try and end the awkwardness, before deciding against it.
"Gabi?" Gabriella's gaze lifted, but before she had an opportunity to correct her mother, Isabella had continued. "Happy Valentine's Day, baby."
As her mother left, Gabriella was stood there holding the torn pieces of her map, of her future in her hand while the notes, and jokes and sketches he had made were littered around her feet in pieces. As she looked at the final remnants of the future they had dreamed about she found herself dropping down to her knees and sobbing as she clutched the small pieces of paper desperately as the bitter realisation struck her that her good intentions about not crying today meant nothing anymore.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to shake the memory. It didn't change anything and she wouldn't dwell on what could have beens and what shouldn't have beens. The past was in the past and nothing could change that, and for the first time in over a year she had control over her own future, so what was the point in dwelling on something that couldn't be changed. With that idea in mind, she shakily began dialling the phone and tried to calm her breathing as opposing parts of her simultaneously begged for no answer and for it to be answered quickly. She was torn over a lot of things – apart from completing everything she had to do tonight.
"Hello?"
"Hi...hi, Mom?"
"Gabriella!" her mom's voice was ecstatic and Gabriella smiled at the sound. "Baby, hi! How are you doing? Is everything okay?"
"Mom, I'm fine," she giggled as she leant back and ran her hand over the counter, the ring on her left hand glittering slightly against her scarred finger. "I just wanted to call and see how you are?"
"I...I'm good, great actually. I'm still in Denver – that contract that I told you about did not go through as smoothly as it was supposed to, but that's okay."
"Yeah, I'm glad that you're doing great," she said softly, genuinely. She loved her mom despite the problems they had and, she wanted her to be happy. "How are things with Thomas?"
She could almost see her mom's blush from over the phone, and she giggled softly at the thought. Thomas Morgan was a man who her mother had been having a relationship with since Gabriella's freshman year at college and although her mother always tried to play it off as a 'friendship' as opposed to anything else, Gabriella and Troy had both known that her mom was crazy about the divorcee and his two teenage boys.
"We...he's just...he's just wonderful. He came out to surprise me and...I don't know. Sometimes I think he believes we're twenty instead of nearly fifty...some of his ideas are..." she trailed off, and Gabriella knew that she was silently listing some of the things they had done together. "He thinks we should move in together when I get back, but I like my independence. I'm not sure if I would want to change things..."
"Mom...he's a nice guy who loves you and his kids seem to like you too," Gabriella argued. She wanted her mom to have someone if she could, and she knew that Thomas and his family would be good for her. "Life is way too short to have regrets about things as big as this. Don't be scared of doing something risky. You...you deserve someone to come home to, someone who makes you happy. Everyone...everyone deserves that."
There was an uncomfortable pause on the other end of the line before her mom spoke again. "Why do I get the feeling like this is a conversation that should be going the other way? Instead if I remember correctly, I got told after you had already been living with Troy for a month and my input wasn't required."
Gabriella just smiled as she gnawed on her lower lip. "That was different. I knew it was right and it was only a matter of time. Sure, it maybe happened a little quicker than Troy or I expected, but we both knew it was just meant to happen like that."
She bit down on her lip as she realised that it was the first time she had actually given her mom more than a one line answer about Troy since the accident.
"Gabriella? Are you okay? Taylor says that you have been doing so great recently. In fact she said that you have been amazing – that you've been really happy."
She almost rolled her eyes. Taylor and her mom had bonded over their duplicity at the hospital and since Taylor had insisted on babysitting Gabriella, she had provided her mom with constant 'status' reports that allowed the older Montez to keep up to date on what aspects of her daughter's life that she was now less privy to due to the strain that the relationship was under. It wasn't that Gabriella wanted to have such a bad relationship with her mother; she just didn't know how to act around someone she no longer trusted.
"I'm good, actually. Better than good. Taylor's right – I have been happy." She didn't mention the reason why she was so happy was because she had worked out what she had to do or any great details to her statement. The what's and why's weren't important in the grand scheme of things – she just wanted Taylor and her mom to remember her as being happy, not remember her as being angry with them.
"That's great," her mom said, trailing off leaving the all too familiar awkwardness between them. Neither of them really knew what to say to each other anymore – Gabriella couldn't talk to her about anything substantial and her mom just didn't want to risk upsetting her more after what had happened the last time she had come to the apartment. They had met up since then, but usually for nothing more than a quick coffee and although they had brief phone conversations, they no longer had the relationship they had both valued so much. Gabriella didn't want it to end like that though – she didn't want those questions and tension hanging over anything. She wanted everyone to have a clean slate.
"Um...I just...I just wanted to call to tell you that these last few days, I've been happier than I've been in months. I...I know that you've been...concerned, so I wanted to let you know that I think I worked some stuff out. I just...I'm tired of hurting all the time, so I have to move on and to do that I have to make things right with us," she took a deep breath before she continued. "I don't forgive you for what you did Mom, but I do understand why you did it and...those mistakes you made in those three weeks don't erase the fact that until that point you were always the best mom..."
"I...I'm glad you realised that it's time to move on, baby. Troy would want you to live a full, happy life and you can only do that if you try and put the past in the past..."
Gabriella's eyes closed and she brought a hand to her head, silently telling herself not to get mad at the reminder about why she didn't talk about Troy with anyone anymore.
"I...I just...I just want things to be okay with us, mom," she whispered, grasping the fabric of her skirt under her fist as she tried to keep her voice steady. "I don't want to fight anymore."
"I don't want to fight anymore either, baby," her mom whispered. "I'm sor..."
"Please don't apologise," Gabriella cut her off. She couldn't hear a fake apology – they both knew that deep down, her mom wasn't sorry and Gabriella didn't want to think about that anymore. It had happened and it couldn't be changed now. "I just...I just wanted to let you know that no matter how much it still hurts, I do love you mom and I don't want this to be between us anymore."
"Okay," she could hear the tears in her mom's voice. "I...I like that idea. Thank you."
"Don't thank me, Mom," Gabriella whispered. "Please."
She heard her mom laugh slightly. "Okay – so, in the business of being on good terms, would you like to tell me about your date tonight?"
Gabriella's eyes snapped open and she felt her breathing accelerate as her annoyance from earlier returned. "It wasn't a date, it was an ambush. I was supposed to be meeting Taylor." Gabriella hissed, still seething at her best friend's antics.
"Oh...I just...Taylor mentioned..."
"Taylor was wrong," Gabriella said with a low voice. "I would never..."
"Okay," her mom cut her off quickly, perhaps sensing the change in mood. "Don't blame Taylor, honey. She said you were doing better and perhaps thought you were ready."
"Never," Gabriella whispered. "It will never be anyone else. I don't understand why people are so unwilling to listen to that?"
"Everyone just wants you to be happy, that's all. We will make mistakes though...it's not an exact science."
Gabriella bit back the retort she wanted to make about them making more mistakes than anyone and took a deep breath, wanting to end this portion of the conversation. She hated being this bitter – she had hated it for fourteen months, but she couldn't help but feel the things she felt. "So...tell me about what you've been up to, mom."
And just like that the conversation was steered into a better direction as Gabriella did her best to talk to her mom about anything and everything. She knew that it wouldn't make it better, or make up for the months of estrangement, but she hoped that by making this effort that she was somehow going to make things easier for her mom.
When the conversation had drawn to a close, she couldn't help but feel some sort of pang in her chest. She wasn't sure what she would call it – a longing perhaps, or a regret that this was the most meaningful conversation she had had with her mother in months, guilt that she was going to hurt her, or perhaps even a tweak of shame that even after all this, things still weren't going to be right between them.
"I guess I'll let you go now, Gabi," her mom said jovially, and Gabriella didn't even think to correct her for not using her full name. "It was...I don't have the words to say how much this means to me. I mean...I understood, but it was...it was so hard..."
"I'm sorry," Gabriella could only whisper in response hoping it would be an all encompassing apology that covered everything. "I do still love you, Mom."
"I know, baby. When I get back, you and I will sit down and talk about everything – and this time I swear I will listen and not try and force things, okay? We'll work out how to fix things..."
"Things will be okay now," Gabriella replied with a last glance at her ring. "You don't need to worry about me. I think...I know I've got through the worst. Everything will be better now."
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?"
Her mom's phrasing was teasing, trying to slot back into the relationship they had 14 months earlier, but Gabriella didn't pick up on the joke. Instead she could only see the wisdom of the phrasing.
"Exactly."
Gabriella sighed as she sunk down in the soft leather sofa and held her coffee cup in her hand. The decor, the space, the furniture were all neutral colours, there was a faint smell of lavender in the air and the whole room was designed to create the illusion of comfort. The illusion was in vain though as Gabriella had been coming to this room for the best part of a year and at no point had she felt remotely comfortable.
The middle aged woman looked at her with a friendly smile, her caramel hair bouncing on her shoulder and a soft purr to her voice. She looked more like an art-teacher than a therapist, but she realised that was probably intentional. She was sat in this room for an hour twice a week and in all that time, Gabriella was unsure whether this facade that Dr Suarez gave out was any more genuine than the one that she used. She used to be good at reading people, and Gabriella doubted that she had seen one genuine smile on her therapists face, and she wondered whether, in reality, Dr Suarez ached for a more formal practice where she could be the cold nosed therapist instead of the nicely, softly, buddy one that she was trying to be. Or maybe she was just frustrated that so far she was no further forward with Gabriella and was frustrated with the younger woman.
The more Gabriella thought about it, the more that seemed likely. She frowned slightly – she had never intended to be a difficult person. She was always helpful and easy to get along with.
"What is happiness to you?" Gabriella blinked out her thoughts as the ten minutes of silence was broken by the question.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm just curious – we're clearly, yet again, not going to talk about the accident, or your feelings about Troy or your mother and although we could talk about college, or graduation, or your latest job interview I think I would like to try something else today. So a simple question – you can have anything in the universe, there is a genie in a lamp and he's willing to grant you anything your heart desire's so, tell me what it is. What would you need to be happy? Some people it's money, other people it's family or popularity. What do you need?"
Troy. She needed Troy, but she couldn't say that because she knew that wasn't the answer she was supposed to give. She immediately began running through potential answers in her head, and what each one would say before she spoke. "I need...I need...stability, I think."
It wasn't a good answer, but it was about as truthful as she could give. She felt off balance, lacking in equilibrium and like she didn't fit in her own life anymore. Perhaps amnesia would be a better answer – if she couldn't remember what it felt like before everything happened, perhaps she could fool herself into believing that she was really happy again.
"You want to know what a friend of mine thinks? We were in college and for her sociology paper she wrote about how happiness is a flawed social concept. She said that we were born into this world in discontent and we leave it the same way – no one is ever completely happy with their lot. Everyone wants to be richer, or smarter, or more beautiful or have a better house, or car, or kids. No one can achieve true happiness, because by nature, we are a greedy and demanding species who are never happy with their lot."
"That's a very, very cynical way to think of anything..." Gabriella said as she shook her head, missing the small smirk coming from the woman as she raised the cup to her lips. "People can be completely happy. People sometimes are happy with what they have."
"You think so? When you are born you want food, you want comfort, you want something – when you grow up you want that toy the kid next door has, you want more popularity, you want the perfect boyfriend, or the car or the grades and then you grow up and you want a bigger house, or nicer clothes, or more money, or a job where you can work less – no one has everything that truly constitutes being completely happy."
"That's not true. At all," Gabriella said softly. "Happiness isn't about owning things, it's about knowing who you are, being complete and recognising that all the other stuff - the car, the house, the job, and the money is inconsequential at the end of the day."
"For you," Doctor Suarez said with a shrug as she kept her eye on Gabriella. "For you, being happy is dependent on something else as well – so who is to say that the theory is wrong?"
"The theory is wrong because when a person is happy – they don't desire anything other than what they have. I didn't desire the big house, or designer clothing, or a fancy car, or courtside seats – I was happy with what we had."
"And now?"
"Now? Now...I don't know...everything...it's just...not like that..." she answered honestly, not even aware that this was the most in depth she'd ever gone in terms of her own private thinking in all of her therapy sessions that her mom and Troy's parents had guilt tripped her into having. She didn't know what happiness was now because the person who made her happy was gone and was never going to come back.
"Well, what would it take for you to be happy? You can have anything in the world so what does your heart desire? What is the one thing that someone could give you that would make you stand up and dance around like a lunatic in happiness."
Gabriella bit down on her instinct to immediately answer 'Troy' even though they both knew that was what she wanted to say and especially as they both knew that was something she would never have again. It had been thirteen months, and she still needed him today as much as she had then and every day she promised herself it would be different, and every day it was still the same. The idea that she could easily go another fifty or sixty years like this in a sort of half life, where she would smile and laugh and look happy on the outside but would never actually be happy was enough to make her want to breakdown and cry right there and then. She believed in fate and destiny and people could say as many times as they wanted about her eventually moving on and meeting someone else, but she knew it wouldn't happen. No one would ever fill that hole – and to be honest, she didn't want anyone else. She was Troy's and just because he wasn't there anymore didn't mean that anything had changed. She only ever wanted to be his.
So, with that being the case - could she live that fifty or sixty years without ever being genuinely happy again? Could anyone?
That was when it happened. In the second that she contemplated the question the answer popped into her head. Fate had dictated that they met, fell in love and gave everything to each other and then it had taken him from her but...the concept of forever went beyond a natural life. Forever wasn't eighty years – forever was infinite. Forever didn't take into account anything so why did it have to end because of the bastard running a red light?
The answer was clear to her – it didn't. She had died three times and all three times someone had forced her back to this sham life. If it had been left to nature, she would have died that day alongside him and everyone would have been sad, but been comforted by the knowledge that they were together, forever. They were supposed to be together but because of some glitch, it hadn't worked out that way leaving her here alone and him there alone. It was never supposed to be that way and if he couldn't come back to her, then...
For the first time since that day she felt a real, genuine smile form on her lips as she thought about it. Of course it wouldn't be easy, and of course it would take some time – she wouldn't do something like this on the spur but as she took a deep breath she felt calm wash through her at long last. She had felt haunted, tense and constantly weighted since her accident, but now...now it was like she was free of that. Everything made sense. The fleeting thought that had crossed her mind daily that had been so taboo in the past, now made so much sense and refused to be ignored any longer.
Forever. Fate. They were intertwined and she finally understood what she needed. All she needed was him so why was she waiting? Who dictated that the ending of this fairytale had to be conventional? No one. She was supposed to be dead just now and it was just luck that she was alive at all. It didn't make sense that she had to wait for her Once Upon A Time to happen – the damn fairytale had started in Colorado, so why exactly had she wasted so much time apart from him when deep down she knew for it to work out properly it would have to end like this?
"Gabriella?"
She looked up to see her therapist looking at her oddly. "Yes?"
"You were going to tell me what you think you need to be happy again."
"Time," she said with a small smile, the plan formulating in her head as she made a mental checklist of what she would have to do to make sure this was the right decision. "Just...yeah, I think a little more time and I could be really happy."
"Gabriella," Dr Suarez said slowly, as she leant forward on the chair, clearly wondering as to what this sudden enlightenment was caused by. "It has been thirteen months...what makes you think that time will change anything now?"
Gabriella bit her lip to stop the giggles escaping as she looked up, her voice clear, her eyes wide and her smile genuine. "Because...everyone deserves a happy ending, right?"
She took one last look round her home and instead of feeling the need to cry, she felt a smile come to her face. This was the right decision and although she knew it was selfish, she knew that everyone would understand. As she walked over to the table and double checked that she had left her rent-cheque in the pile of letters she had dutifully addressed to everyone, and that the packages containing little things that she believed her family and friends may like of hers were laid out beside the letters on the table along with her suitcase full of clothes and all the rest of her belongings, and that she hadn't forgot anyone she felt peace wash over her.
She wanted to make this whole situation as easy as possible for everyone – she knew it would still hurt them, but she had to try and make them understand which is why she had contacted her mom, why she had written to Troy's parents telling them all the funny stories she could remember of Troy in LA that they had never heard before and why she had written to their friends, explaining and apologising for everything. Apologising for not driving better that night, for not being stronger the past year, for letting the pair of them move to LA, for hurting them twice. She wanted them to know everything, she needed them to know that she wasn't making a spur of the moment decision and that it was the right thing to do and that no matter what, there was nothing they could have done, or said that would have made her make a different decision. She wanted to make it as easy on them as possible, and although she knew she could just leave town, disappear and do it, she wanted it to be over quickly. She wanted to spare them the months of wondering, of worrying, of fearing the worst.
The only thing she regretted about this decision was that she was hurting the people she loved and that was why she had spent so long trying to make it as easy as possible. As much as it hurt, she just wanted everything to be as simple for them as possible so she had tied up all the loose ends she could think of.
She owed them that.
She walked to the mirror in her bedroom and sat down and looked at her reflection and for the first time in fourteen months, she smiled and could see herself looking back at her. It wasn't a fake smile, it wasn't dull eyes that she pretended were caused by tiredness and it wasn't the character she had adopted to help convince everyone, even herself, that everything was fine. When she looked in the mirror today it was the first time in fourteen months that she recognised the person staring back at her.
"Today," she whispered to herself, her hand going out to touch her reflection like it did every night as she re-worded her daily promise to herself. "Today is the day it stops hurting. Today is the day it won't be an act."
Closing her eyes and opening them again, she gasped as she swore she saw his reflection behind her which caused her to spin almost instinctively, praying that he was there, that it was all some awful dream and that she had finally woken up. She knew deep down that her mind was playing tricks on her, that he wasn't there, but she couldn't help wishing...
Taking a deep breath, and ignoring the stab of pain the realisation that he still wasn't there caused, she smiled again as she turned back to the mirror again. So he wasn't in the apartment, so he wasn't there to hold her hand and guide her through this, so she was doing this physically on her own - it didn't matter. She knew that in all the ways that counted he was with her as surely as if he was standing there stroking her hair as she did it. She knew it and nothing changed that. She glanced back, and caught his grin behind her again, and instead of turning she felt herself smile back before she turned away again. It was time. It was beyond time. He had waited too long - they had waited too long already.
She took one last moment to mentally sweep their apartment and made sure that there was nothing more she could do to make things easier on everyone before she said a soft prayer, begging for redemption and stood and opened her window wide, letting the cool evening air flow through the room so she could feel the cool breeze one last time as she opened the bottle of tablets and swallowed a handful with a drink of water, and then picked up her pen for one final letter.
She thought about the absurdity of her situation for a moment and felt a tear stream down her face unbidden. It wasn't that she was sad about what she was doing but it was more that she was sad about why she was doing it. He should never have died and she knew that regardless of what everyone told her, that she was at least partially responsible for the fact that he had. The awkwardness with Chad and the guys, the tension with his parents and the looks some of his teammates had shot at her the few times she had seen them all told her that they knew her part in it.
She would have given anything to have swapped places with him although she suspected that if the situation had been reversed that the end result would have been similar. Maybe he was stronger than she was, perhaps he would have gone on and lived a long and happy life with a wife and a family, but she wasn't sure. She wouldn't have held it against him if he had, but deep down she suspected that it was unlikely. He would have been as miserable as she is and it would have killed him just as slowly as it was killing her.
She could hand on heart say she had tried everything she could. She had taken the therapy, she had boxed up the photos, hidden the clothes and the jewellery and she had still went out with their friends, and laughed, and joked. She had graduated college, she had secured a job, and she hadn't shut herself away and cried all the time. She had survived, she just hadn't lived.
This final decision hadn't been easy, but she knew that it was the right thing. She wasn't going to regret it and she hoped and prayed that everyone else would understand as well. She just had to explain herself to the only person who could possibly understand what she was going through and although she knew that he would never read it, part of her needed to feel like she had said it because she had never had the opportunity to say it to him before. She thought for a moment as she took a few more pills before she began writing. "Hey Wildcat..."
Once upon a time, the girl looks in the mirror and sees the boy looking back at her and knows that she's making the right decision so she puts her mangled engagement ring that had to be cut off her because it had been crushed into her skin by the force of the crash back on, along with the damaged necklace that she never wanted to take off and downs a bottle of sleeping pills before she writes a letter and for the first time in a year, she feels whole again. When the girl closes her eyes she knows she'll be in a better place and by magic she will awaken to the boy kissing her lips happy in the knowledge that finally they can both live happily ever after, where forever means forever. The end.
The end was really a year ago though – this is really the beginning. The beginning of forever.
AN – so, there you go, it's over. As you can imagine, this part was a pain to write which combined with work wasn't codusive to a quick update. Um...if you haven't read ATKH's, please feel free – it's basically the continuation of this part. I might end up posting it on this anyway as a sort of epilogue, but we'll see. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and review this – Know it has been a bit heavy going in the later chapters, but hopefully the happy stuff in the beginning helps balance it out. I think I'm going to be camped in the happy HSM writing aisle for a while so please don't automatically think that all my fic are going to be angsty. ;) Special thanks to everyone who nominated this for the fanfic awards at between the lines LJ, in particular Van and Holly – you guys are amazing writers and it means a lot that you went out your way too nominate this..