Chapter 4

Two and a half weeks. Two and a half fucking weeks since her last letter. Objectively, he knew she could take care of herself, but she had been gone for more than a month now. How much longer was this nonsense going to last? Either they're eco terrorists, or they're not. After a month with them, it should be obvious. Even Fin and Munch were starting to get anxious. Their relief after hearing that he had heard from her again had lasted a little longer than his did, but now as soon as he walked into the bullpen every morning their eyes met his asking the silent question that he regretted the answer to.

It didn't help that it appeared that Dani was getting more comfortable in the unit. On one hand, that was a good thing, he wasn't constantly stressing over what she was doing when he wasn't with her. On the other hand, it seemed like she was forgetting that her assignment was only a temporary assignment. She was making herself more and more at home by the day, including trying to get closer to him. It wasn't that he didn't like the woman, she was more than capable at her job, and she wasn't an arrogant prick like Blaine was, but she wasn't Olivia. And as much as it annoyed him, it was rude of him to point that out to her, especially when she hadn't really done anything to deserve it.

He carried Olivia's letters with him wherever he went, in his pocket. They were the closest link he had to her, and he felt that by letting them out of his sights, he was letting her go all over again. He knew it was irrational, but he could imagine Huang trying to explain in his soothing shrink voice that "you can't help what your heart wants," or some other such tripe. Ultimately, they were from Olivia, and that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

Though she hadn't come out and said it in either of her letters, it seemed like she was finally starting to accept this thing between them, and it was that hope that he clung to when he clung to those letters. He couldn't say for sure when he had fallen in love with her, but he knew he had, utterly and completely. When she had first run to computer crimes, he had thought that was it for them. She was rejecting him and his feelings. He had given too much away during the Gitano case, and he was being shut down for good. When she had turned up in the locker room, after he punched Blaine, at first he thought he got hit on the head harder than he thought, because he was surely hallucinating. When she shyly complimented his, now destroyed, shirt, he realized that she wasn't out of his life completely. By starting the conversation out on a personal note the way she had, he realized that all was not as lost as he once feared.

Now that he was finally getting confirmation from her that yes, she is finally willing to take a risk with him, the days are agonizingly long waiting for her return. Sifting through his mail again, he finds salvation in the form of another letter from her, and he opens it without missing a beat.

El-

Please help me cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen, and I can't it get out
Please help me cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen, and I can't get it out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before
I see the clock and its ticking away
And the hourglass empty
What the fuck do I have to say

Keep it inside, the image portrayed
As if I couldn't stand losing, as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession, I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need

I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther from where I wanna be

If there is an image inside of me, I don't know what it is anymore. All the contradictions are blending together, and I don't know where one ends and the other begins. Will you recognize me when I get back? The thought of going back is all the keeps me going most days. I need you to be there when I do.

Elliot must have read the letter through at least five times. Then he suddenly stood and hurled his glass of water across the room. Damn it! He knew she's been under for too long! He realized that she's starting to lose herself in her cover. It was something that he was starting to fear more and more the longer this operation lasted. It wasn't that he doubted her, Olivia was the strongest woman he's ever met. However, the one insecurity she had about herself was her identity. She always worried what having a drunk for a mother and a rapist for a father would make her. Whenever these doubts emerged, he was always there to reassure her that regardless of her DNA, she was the kindest person he knew. Now, she was on her own, with no one to confide in, and therefore no one to reassure her of what a beautiful soul she was.

That night, unlike the other two nights in which he received letters, sleep did not come easily. He tossed and turned until the early morning hours, wishing there was some way, any way of trying to contact her. He resolved to show the letter to Munch and Fin tomorrow. He didn't think they would be able to suggest anything to help, but at least he wouldn't shoulder this burden by himself.

The next morning, he met Munch and Fins hopeful looks as soon as he walked in, as was the norm these days. Unlike most days, he actually had an answer for them, though it was an answer he knew they wouldn't like. He met both of their gazes and answered with a small nod, and their smiles soon faded when they noticed the bags under his eyes and his somber face.

It wasn't until several hours later when they had a chance to talk amongst themselves without being overheard. Dani had to give a report on their latest collar to Cragen, so that killed two birds with one stone, as those debriefs usually lasted about fifteen minutes. They quietly made their way upstairs again, and Elliot didn't know what to say to his two friends. So he silently reached into his pocket for the letter, and presented it to them for their own viewing, for the first time. He watched in silence as they read it, seeing their faces grow more and more concerned with each line they read. He didn't have to read over their shoulders to know when they reached her own addition to the note. He could see it in the way their shoulders tensed, and knew that he wasn't alone in his concern. They were just as worried as he was.

It was Munch who was able to form words first. "Is that what all her letters are like?"

Elliot shook his head, "that's the way they're all formatted. First the words to a song, and then she adds on a little personal note at the end. The songs have never been like that though, they're more positive. And that's the longest note she's written. Usually it's a couple short sentences."

"She's getting lost out there, isn't she?" This time it was Fin who voiced her concern.

"I think so," Elliot answered nervously. "I don't think she's handling the isolation well. I think we finally got through to her that she's not alone anymore, and as soon as we did that, it got taken away."

"So does that make us the assholes, or the Feds?" Fin asks.

Without missing a beat, Munch replies "The Feds, duh."

Elliot chuckles for a bit at this, but then sobers. "What do we do?"

"What can we do?" Munch questions. "We can't get in contact with her, we can't just call her up and ask how she's feeling today"

They sit and stare at each other for a while, until Elliot voices the conclusion he reached in the early morning hours that morning. "We wait," he sighed. "We wait for the next letter. If it sounds the same, or it sounds worse, we take it to Huang. I don't care if it gets her into trouble, if it could possibly save her life, it's worth it."

The other two members of their little group solemnly agreed, and Elliot resigned himself to several more days of hopeful glances and the subsequent disappointment.

Well, there's chapter 4! Thank you so much to all the reviewers! You seriously have no idea how much they mean to me... this is the first story I've gotten the nerve to publish, and knowing that you guys like it gives me the courage to keep going. So keep em coming!

It looks like this is going to be about 8 chapters, give or take, so we're halfway there!

I've gotten some requests to put the song names and artists with the chapters, which I should have been doing in the first place, lol. I'm going back and editing the other chapters, because as you can see, I'm starting to get the hang of formatting these things, so I'll put the song info in while I'm at it :) This chapters song was Still Frame by Trapt... bit darker than the other ones, but everyone allowed to get pissed off every once in a while