Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the plot
This is/was actually an OUTTAKE to my other Fan Fiction story Starting Over that revolves around Edward and Bella, but it took on a life of its own and is now an individual story. I am posting it as a separate, but parallel story to Starting Over. You can read one without having read the other.
First of all I want to give a MAJOR shout out to my beta and her highly appreciated and detailed comments on this story. DAZZLED EYES22 - This story wouldn't be the same without you.
A/N:
WARNING: This chapter is NOT suitable for any readers under the age of 18 due to random acts of violence, abuse and self inflicted harm.
My heart goes out to anyone who has ever dealt with trauma described in the chapter below. I have tried to deal with the subject as delicately as I possibly could and I never meant to offend anyone if I unintentionally did that.
With that said, it was extremely uncomfortable to write the chapter below, because this kind of violence should never be allowed to happen. Fact of the matter is that it does happen every day and we can only love and support the souls inflicted with this kind of hurt.
oooooOOOOooooo
One Year
Alice's POV
Tears rolled over my nose as I sat with my face plastered to the half-finished design. The pen hung limply between my fingers. My neck was getting stiff and sore from sitting in this awkward position for so long. I wiped a few of my tears and turned my wrist to check the time. It was the watch that Jasper had given me for my birthday. I traced the delicate frame with my fingers, loving the smoothness of the metal. It was getting late and I hadn't gotten a damn thing done all day. I was exhausted, scared, lonely, desperate, in love, desolate and hurting. It wasn't me that I was hurting for - it was for Jasper. For too long, I had closed my eyes, hoped and waited for her to return to me, but last night I realized I had lost her. I was in way over my head.
I picked up my phone and typed a quick text. I waited for less than a minute before the response blinked on the display. I left my entire mess on my table. Just before I was about to switch off the light, I couldn't help but gently touch the silk of the top that I made for Jasper. I never wanted to change a thing about her, so I wanted her to wear her favored jeans when we would get married. I just insisted on designing her top. I switched off the light. None of it mattered anymore. It all seemed insignificant compared to our forsaken situation.
I pushed the heavy doors to the bar open. She sat waiting with her head in her hand, while drumming her fingers against the bar.
"Hi Nettie," I said and smiled.
"Alice," she beamed and looked behind me. Her face fell disappointed. "Jasper's not coming?" I shook my head and accepted the welcoming hug from Nettie. "I really hoped to see her. It's been so long?"
"I know," I answered quietly. This bar was a place we used to go to have a drink or a fun night out, but we hadn't been here in months. "What are you drinking?"
"Martini. What else is there?"
"A cosmo," I countered and quirked a brow at her. She laughed. I ordered the drinks.
"So anything specific on your mind?" Nettie asked.
I nodded slowly and uncontrollable sadness washed over me once more. "I need help, Nettie." Her eyes widened with alarm.
"With what?" she asked tentatively. I had a lot of secrets these days. I had covered up the truth about Jasper for too long now.
"It's Jasper. I can't handle her anymore," I swallowed convulsively and let the dread run over my skin. I swore that I would always take care of her, but I was throwing my towel in the ring now.
"Alice…" she sighed almost accusatory.
"I know." I murmured. "She's not the same anymore."
"You can hardly expect her to be." Her brows furrowed and her tone was protective of Jasper. I adored her for it and would act exactly the same way.
"You're right," I conceded. "But before she had an appetite for life, her job, family, us, sex and well, everything. Now, there is nothing. I've tried to be patient with her, but I can't do it anymore." Tears welled up immensely in my eyes and I tried to push them back.
Nettie's eyes hardened and she evaluated me for a long time. Her tone was cutting when she spoke again. "I like you, Alice. I always have. I know you love her, but come on. Stop being a selfish bitch and get over yourself," she paused and gritted her teeth. "Your girlfriend was assaulted. She was goddamn raped and you sit here and piss and moan about your sex life! That's just despicable." Nettie grimaced and thirstily gulped about half of her martini that was just placed on the bar.
Tears feel down my face in heavy torrents. I wiped them on my sleeve, not caring how unladylike I looked. I leaned my head to the bar and just gave up. I let the tears run free and the ache that I felt for my girlfriend burn in my heart. It took a moment for me to gather myself enough to tell Nettie the truth. I felt like shit. I knew I betrayed Jasper, but there was nothing I could do anymore. I couldn't handle this on my own. I realized that now. "Nettie…" I snorted and she stared at me. "I wasn't talking about sex at all. I was talking about Jasper's general health. She is in deep shit," I paused briefly. "Last night, in the middle of the night, I caught her in the bathroom taking a razorblade to her skin, cutting her thigh." I lost control of the tears once more. My beautiful and strong Jasper was hurting herself and I hadn't even noticed it. I blinked and instantly images of last night flashed before my eyes, the crimson torrent of blood running down her thin and pale thigh from where she had cut herself. I saw her hollow and petrified eyes when she discovered I caught her.
Nettie face drained of all color and her mouth hung open, gaping. "Are you serious?"
I wiped my face on my sleeve once more, snorting. "Yes," I choked.
Slowly, Nettie's hand covered her mouth. "Oh god," she murmured.
I drew a slow breath and turned to business. "That is why I need your help. You're a nurse. You must know people. Someone who can help us. Anyone."
"You mean you want her hospitalized?"
I shook my head no quickly. "I want her to stay with me. I want her at home with me. I was thinking about maybe a therapist or someone who can help. Someone who knows how to handle her depression and what I saw her do to herself last night. I don't know anything about it and I am scared." Overwhelming fear rolled over me. "What if she really hurts herself next time?"
"It's called cutting, Alice. Usually it's not a suicide attempt, but a cry for help," Nettie said kindly.
"Then help me help her, Nettie. I don't have the energy to look for someone to help. I don't even know where to start." I begged. My voice turned sobbing. I felt Nettie's arms around me and I latched on to her for dear life. I nuzzled my face into her neck and cried like a child. It felt so good not to be alone anymore and to finally open up to someone with all my worries. She shushed me and stroked my back letting me get it all out.
I cleaned my face the best that I could and started sipping my drink. "I'll have something for you in the morning, Alice. I'll ask around and find someone to help." She paused. "Sorry I called you a bitch."
I smiled weakly. "I don't care." I left Nettie at the bar and hurried home. Jasper would have been home for a while now. As I walked, I couldn't escape the memory of that terrible night Jasper's life changed.
*Flashback*
'I'm here to see Jasper Whitlock," I panted out of breath to the first receptionist that I could find.
"And you are?" She evenly glanced over her half specs.
"Alice Brandon. She called saying she was here. I think she was robbed or something."
"Are you the next of kin?"
"Er, yes, she's my girlfriend."
"I'll check. Have a seat, Miss Brandon." I stepped back and tried to find patience for her to get her shit in order. She dug her head into some papers, while I glanced down the long hall. I followed my heart and my feet moved. Slowly, I trailed past the numerous exam rooms letting my instincts guide me. It was quiet when at the end of the hall when I heard the faint murmur of the voice that I would know anywhere. It sounded utterly broken.
"Can't we just wait until she gets here?" Jasper's voice was thread thin and shaking.
"I think we should start the exams. I am sure she will be here soon." A kind voice said soothingly. It was warm and motherly.
Carefully, I pushed the door open and peaked in. I gasped and my blood turned to ice in my veins. She was the only thing I saw. Jasper stood in the middle of the room, barefooted and on a large square piece of paper. Her hair was chaotic. She was crying and looking an utter mess, but that was the easy part to see. The hurtful part was seeing her torn clothes, the swelling of a black eye, her split lip and blood caked at the side of her face. She had been thoroughly beaten.
"I'm here, baby," I said, not waiting to be invited into the room. I bolted for her, eager to hold her and offer her any comfort that I could. I was beyond heartbroken that someone had hurt my girlfriend like this. She had the gentlest soul that had ever existed.
I was grasped roughly by the arm, restrained and pulled back harshly. "You can't touch her."
"What?" I spat in response. No one told me if I could touch Jasper or not. "Let me go!" I ordered hating that I was so small that I couldn't fight off the nurse that outweighed me by twice my size.
"Calm down, miss." I was ordered.
Jasper tried to smile, but it ended in a wince and a grimace from her lip. "It's okay, Alice," she said bravely.
"It's not okay! What happened? What are you doing?" I demanded as another person dressed in scrubs removed her torn jacket.
"They are doing a rape kit," she murmured and tears started more heavily to fall from her eyes. All air whooshed from my lungs. I felt like I was going to collapse. My head started spinning deliriously. She hadn't just been beaten.
"Oh no, Jasper," I wheezed. I just gaped at her not knowing what the hell else to say. What on earth do you say when the person you love more than your own life tells you she was sexually assaulted? Someone violated her and beat her.
"Just let them do their job, sweetheart," she said calmly, but I knew her better than that. Her beautiful eyes were lost in pain and despair. I nodded, seeing it was better to be complacent than to put up a fight. I relaxed and the nurse's iron grip around my bicep loosened. Her eyes were fiercely on my face, pinning me to the spot.
I watched silently as they worked to strip Jasper out of her sodden and torn clothes. They were all packed in boxes marked EVIDENCE. They combed through her hair and cleansed her nails gathering all foreign material from her body that they could.
Warm tears trailed down my cheeks when I realized how much she had been harmed. Jasper's aqua eyes never left mine as they went through the motion of gathering what they needed. Bruises on her ribs were beginning to darken. Her knees and elbows were scraped bloody. There was a heinous bite mark at the top of her right breast. Her neck was covered in marks circling from front to back. Staring at those particular bruises, I realized how lucky she was to even be alive.
A third person gave her a gown to cover up with and guided her to a bed. Complacently, she lay back, wincing as she moved.
"You can hold her hand now." The overweight nurse said. I didn't hesitate to finally move closer and take her hand. I sat down next to her and stroked her tousled hair.
"I love you," I whispered over and over again.
"Put your legs up, please." She was ordered. Jasper held her breath and grimaced when she placed her feet in the stir-ups. She was in pain.
"I love you too, baby," she breathed after a moment. "You can wait in the hall, if you want," she offered. I shook my head immediately. There was no way I was leaving her. I didn't want her to be alone.
I closed my eyes for a moment when the second part of the exam began. Jasper still had a strong face on. I was so proud of her. She really was a star, taking everything so calmly. I leaned my head beside her pillow and our foreheads merged as a doctor started to examine her. A few more tears fell. She was so resilient, but I wished I could take her pain away. A hailstorm of uncomfortable questions started to rain down on her. I sat still, stroking her hair.
"Have you had intercourse in the last forty eight hours?" the doctor asked.
She didn't look away from my eyes. "Alice and I made love this morning," she murmured confidently. It felt horrible having our privacy being picked apart like this. It was downright revolting.
The doctor glanced at me, reading me. "Any penetration?"
I cringed and swallowed back bile.
"No," Jasper answered softly, still having her eyes on me. "I've never been with a man. I've never been penetrated in the way I suspect you mean… uh, prior to today." She looked at the doctor shortly.
I almost threw up at that. I knew everything about her past. I knew she was somewhat proud and considered herself 'pure' from not having been with men ever. I never felt so much hatred than when I learned that had been taken away from her. Someone stole something so important from her. I literally felt murderous!
"It's okay, Alice," she whispered reading into my anger. I didn't respond.
"You are bleeding some, but nothing that needs stitches. There is quite a bit of swelling and bruising, but your hymen is still partially intact." The doctor said business like. "Did the perpetrator use a condom?"
Jasper shook her head. "It wasn't his… er, penis. It was the shaft of his knife. That was what he put inside of me. It felt too cold to be him," she snorted. I gently wiped a few of her tears feeling devastated.
"I see," the doctor said and took some notes and did some swaps. "Miss Brandon, I need a sample from you too, in case we need to exclude you from some of the evidence." I nodded woodenly, feeling thoroughly overwhelmed with the whole deal. I wasn't the one assaulted, but I felt the pain of it all intensely. The doctor swapped my cheek.
Police were the next people prodding into her personal life. We stayed in the exam room while she was questioned. I was allowed to stay with her.
"Did you know the man?" a balding detective asked.
"No. He just put a knife to my throat and dragged me into that alley," she answered soberly. She sat up on the bed carefully, trying not to move too much. Some of her ribs were bruised. I could only imagine that it would be painful to sit down.
"What happened then?"
"He told me to keep quiet or he would slit my throat. I tried to knee his groin, but he was too strong. That was when he started hitting me. At some point, I fell and he kicked my ribs. I think I blacked out for a moment. When I came to, he pulled me upright and held me against the wall. He made a massive point of showing me his knife. It was huge and had a jagged blade. Like a hunting knife, I think. He sliced my jacket and shirt open. I was too scared to scream, so I kept quiet. That was when he bit me," she muttered guilty.
"It's okay, Miss Whitlock," the detective said kindly. "Go on. What happened next?"
"I noticed this woman there. I thought she would help me but she just looked at me with this sinister smile on her face."
"Did you know her? Anything? A name?"
"No, but she had really long curly and flaming red hair. I realized she was with him. It was like she enjoyed watching him attack me." She paused for a moment. "He started to rip my pants open. I begged him not to do this. He put his hand down between my legs and put his fingers inside of me. I tried to push him off me. He then squeezed hard around my throat and I couldn't breathe. He tried to strangle me. I struggled to keep conscious. He told me that he would show me how it felt to be with a real man, but that I needed to learn my lesson first. That was when he pulled my pants all the way down and slammed the shaft of his knife into my privates. I could feel the blade at my thigh. It was so painful that I couldn't move. I held back my scream because I was terrified he would put the knife to my throat again. He let go of my neck to undo his pants. He pulled the thing out of me. I didn't care anymore. I thought he was going to kill me anyway, so I made a run for it. I'd rather die before than after he was done raping me. So I reached down and grabbed his junk and squeezed like I was crushing eggshells. He screamed and I ran. The woman watching called out for him. I managed to pull my pants up and run into the street. That's where someone called the police."
"Good for you, Miss." the detective paused for a brief moment. "Uh… we found two severed toes at the crime scene. Can you explain that?
Jasper nodded weakly and smiled victoriously, reminiscing. "Just after I hurt him, I slammed my heel into his foot as hard as I could. I thought I heard a crunching noise but I wasn't sure. He wasn't wearing any shoes. Strangely," she muttered. "Oh and the woman called him James."
"Anything other than James?"
"Not that I recall." She looked at me. "Can I go home now? I really just want to go home with Alice."
"Of course," the detective said politely. "We have your number if we need more information."
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me. She smelled like urine and rotten garbage from the alley, but I didn't care. She was alive and we were going home.
"You want a shower before you go?" One of the nurses asked.
Jasper shook her head. "I wanna go home. Then I'll wash his filth off me."
The nurse smiled. "Glad you kicked his ass, sweetheart."
Jasper smiled in return and we left the room.
At home, Bella was up waiting anxiously for us. She gasped when she saw the disheveled state that Jasper was in. I was with her when she called me from the hospital. She hovered, while asking if there was anything she could do to help, but I told her now was not the time. She backed off, retreating to her room. Bella had enough on her mind. It was less than two weeks ago that she gave birth to her daughter.
Jasper sat down carefully on one of the chairs in the kitchen. She clutched her arms around her chest and stared into nothing. I squatted down in front of her and took her smudge-covered hands in mine.
"I know I need to have a shower, but I am so disgusted with myself that I don't know how to do it," she mumbled bleakly and finally looked at me.
"It's okay, sweetheart. I'll do it." I said as bravely as I could manage. I think I wanted her cleaned of the smut as much as she did. I wanted my Jasper to smell like her old self again. I took her hand and she stood up cautiously, wincing as she moved.
I turned the shower on and helped her out of the scrubs borrowed at the hospital. I cleaned every inch of her body. From scrubbing her nails, to washing off the remainders of dried blood from her face, to washing her hair three times, to brushing her teeth, to removing her make-up and washed the bruised and battered insides of her thighs. I combed out her hair, tended to her split lip, the cuts on the side of her face, put lotion on her skin and dressed her. We climbed into bed. Jasper nuzzled into my neck and I held her tight to me. Both of us cried silently for most of the night. The love of my life had been hurt so deeply and it was hard to accept.
That was the last time she had willingly let me hold her. We spent the following week with her family at her childhood home.
oooooOOOOooooo
At home, I sat down on the couch next to Jasper. For once, her hand wasn't curled into the sleeve of her shirt and her fingers were free. She didn't look at me, instead she just stared intently into the wall ignoring me.
I snaked my hand over the sofa cushion hoping she would let me touch her hand today. When I laced my fingers into hers, she suddenly snapped her head in my direction like she didn't even know I was here. Her beautiful eyes bored into me with a pain that left me gasping. Her eyes were devastated beyond recognition. I knew she was already in a lot of pain, but today it seemed worse. She pulled her hand from mine and withdrew it into the sleeve, but not before she clutched her phone desperately.
She looked away and left my side without saying a word. The door to our room closed silently. I turned over the back of the couch as I searched for Bella. "Did something happen?" I asked distraught as to why Jasper seemed worse. Perhaps she was mad at me for spotting her last night.
Bella stared at me with her deep brown knowing eyes. I never confided in her about my own pain over this, but she knew me well. Bella knew more than she led on, but she would never be intrusive by digging for details if I didn't offer them, and I hadn't. "Not to my knowledge. She's been sitting there like the dead, since she got home from work." Bella paused. "Another bad day?" she asked full of understanding. Jasper was her friend, as well as her roommate. I only nodded in response. They were all bad days, but today I figured we hadn't hit rock bottom yet.
I sighed and stood up from the couch. I knew there was nothing I could do, but I had to try. Though, I had tried about everything I knew. "Jasper?" I called confused, as our room seemed empty. I heard the soft snorting when I glanced in the small corner between the dresser and the wall. Oh god, we were back to that now? She had stopped doing that months ago. I moved around the bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress across from her. It broke my heart to witness the love of my life being in so much pain. I was at wits' end and didn't know how to help her anymore.
I stared at Jasper for a moment, while she was curled into herself. Her forehead was against her knees, arms pulled over her head and she was rocking back and forth. The only skin exposed was her face that was buried in her lonely embrace. I hadn't seen the tiniest slap of her skin for six months, except from last night. She was always completely covered up. She even slept with her damn socks on and her turtleneck all the way to her jaw. I knew she had to be getting skinny because I never really saw her eat. I didn't know how thin, but judging from the rare times she actually slept and I could stroke her back undetected, her ribs were getting prominently visible. Her cheeks also seemed too hollow. Jasper's body had always been strong, sinuously athletic and healthy. That was how I knew her, but now she was falling to pieces before my very eyes. I was utterly helpless.
Her rocking intensified along with her devastated sobs. "Jasper." I sighed. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I thought better of it. "I don't know how to help you anymore," I whispered. My eyes glassed over and deafening pain squashed my chest.
"God, please, Alice," Jasper begged desperately into the empty space between her legs and stomach.
"What, sweetheart?" I murmured and folded onto my knees in front of her. I kept my hands from stroking her hair, though I wanted to comfort her physically. I knew she wouldn't let me.
She finally looked up. I was stunned by the masses of tears soaking her face. She was completely splotchy and her eyes were red. She snorted and ran her hand buried in her sleeve under her nose. "Please don't leave me. Alice, you're all that I have left. Oh, god," she wailed. "Please, just stay with me. I forgive you. I don't care about what happened. I love you. You just have to stay with me," she begged frantically.
I gaped at her. "Jasper, what are you talking about? You are not making any sense." I demanded in a panic.
"I don't care, Alice. I forgive you."
"Forgive me for what?" I pleaded, quiet and confused.
"I know I'm fucked up. I'm a mess. I'll try to do better. I promise. Stay with me, please." Her face pulled into a grimace and she dumped her head onto her kneecaps again, crying brokenly.
I moved closer without touching her. I was torn that I couldn't. "Jasper, breathe," I paused. "Look at me. What happened?" I implored.
She looked up again and produced her phone from up her sleeve. "The pictures," she breathed. She wiped her eyes with her shirt. I took her phone and opened the gallery. I was immediately hit with photos followed by a short text.
"Has the little bird flown the nest?"
I scrolled through the pictures. They were slightly grainy, but it was pretty clear what Jasper would read into this. My hair was engulfed by Nettie's arms in an intimate looking embrace. I was still in the same dress as on the pictures.
"Who the hell sent you these?" I demanded furiously. Jasper flinched. "Don't answer that. I know who fucking did it. No one calls me bird, but one person." I hissed tight-lipped.
"Leah," she whispered.
I chose to ignore my anger and focus on what was important right now. The person I loved beyond sanity - my soul mate, Jasper. I crept closer slowly, so I wouldn't startle her. "Baby, do you really think I would have an affair?" I hesitated. "Do you really think that I would cheat on you?"
She stared at me with those broken and bloodshot eyes. "I try to keep you pleased. I really try, Alice."
"I know you do, sweetheart," I sighed. We didn't have a sex life, only Jasper's delusional idea that she needed to keep me satisfied. I hadn't had the heart to tell her that it didn't matter. That it wasn't important at all. The intimacy that we did have might as well have been provoked by a vibrator. It would have the same result. I got off. Jasper was broken, so when she thoroughly satisfied me, she was like a robot. She was nothing close to the passionate and affectionate person that I had known when we first started our relationship. So when it happened, it was because Jasper insisted on it and she touched me, not the other way around. I wasn't allowed to touch her. I had to keep my hands over my head, so I didn't accidentally caress her skin or stroke her back. I missed her, but I also completely understood her. I didn't care if we made love. I just wanted her to heal and get better. My lover and best friend was fading away and I was living with a shattered ghost.
"Jasper, I promise that I am not cheating on you. I went to see Nettie today, because I needed to talk to a friend. Jasper, you need to get some help. We need to get some help. I am not leaving you. I swear to you that I will never leave you," I answered softly.
"So what are these pictures?" she murmured.
"Nettie hugged me because I cried."
"You cried? Why?" Jasper asked confused, like me being distraught was the furthest thing from her mind.
"Because I don't know what to do anymore. I asked Nettie for help, because we need it. Jasper, please won't you let me hold you."
She shook her head. "I can't be touched."
"You promised to do better. Please just try to let me give you a hug. You are upset and I want to comfort you." I snug closer and she recoiled deeper into the corner. "Look at my hands, baby. These are hands that will never hurt you." I whispered, still moving closer while I cornered her. I put my hands over the wrinkled fabric that was forced into her locked fists. "I won't hurt you. I am yours forever, but you need to get better. You are destroying yourself and I can't stand by and let you do it anymore." It was getting harder to speak because pressing tears were muddling my voice.
I slowly ran my hands up her to her shoulders feeling how frail and thin her arms were. I instantly feared her deterioration was worse than I thought. She tried to push further into the corner but the wall surely wouldn't budge. "It's okay, Jasper." I whispered hoping she would relax just a little bit. I gently pushed her long ponytail off her shoulder. She hadn't cut hair since she was attacked. She stared at me with those terrified eyes when I was close enough to smell her skin. "It's okay, baby. We will survive this. We belong together. It's you and me forever, remember?"
"You really mean it?" she breathed.
"Of course I do. You're the love of my life, Jasper. There's only you. It was always you." I paused and took a deep breath. This was make it or break it time. "I'm going to put my arms around you. It's just me. You know me. You know my body. Just relax and let me comfort you." Our eyes were locked on each other. She finally gave a slight nod as permission. She crawled the last wedge of space between us. Willingly and for the first time in months, she let me put my arms around her. Trying not to startle her, I slowly splayed my fingers into her hair and she buried her face into the base of my neck. I locked her intensely to me, hoping that I could shield her from some of her pain. "Oh god, Jasper," I croaked when it dawned on me that I was really holding her for the first time in what felt like forever. "I love you so much, baby. I can't bear for you keep doing this to yourself."
"I don't want to. I want to get better." I could feel her tears soak the shoulder of my dress.
"Yeah?" I murmured.
"I miss you so much."
"I'm right here, Jasper. I'm always right here for you."
"Really?" She whispered unconvinced. "It just made sense that you would find…" I shushed her and cut her off. I knew what she would say and it was irrational. Though times were tough, I would never leave her or do something as despicable as betray her trust that way.
"That's not us, Jasper. We're above that shit."
Her arms carefully snaked about me and I felt her hug me back. "So you still love me? Even with the mess that I am?"
I pulled my head back, so I could see her. "Every minute of every day." I very carefully traced my fingers down her cheeks catching her tears. I ran the tip of my tongue over my teeth. "I want you back, Jasper. Together, we can fight this." I paused. "I have some conditions I want you to accept, okay?" She nodded. "I have asked Nettie to find a therapist you can talk to. Do you think you can do that?" I asked carefully. She nodded and waited for me to go on. "Together, I want us to try to break down your fear of me touching you. I want to be able to hold my girlfriend's hand." She already started to recoil from me, but I held her in place. "This is what I am talking about. You flinch away from me every time I try, so I have an idea. What if I tell you before I take your hand or touch your shoulder? How would that be for you?"
"I don't know," she murmured and started shaking.
"Why are you so afraid of when I do?"
"Acceptance. I can't accept your touch not after what he did. I can't accept what he did to me."
"But I'm not him."
"No," she barely whispered.
"You have to accept what happened. It is the only way you can move forward. We can't take it back, so we have to put it behind us." Jasper's eyes were terrified, but she nodded in agreement once more. I wondered why she was suddenly so compliant. I had demanded several of these things many times before. I stared at her devastated face and realized us falling apart was rock bottom for her. This was a turning point for her. This might be the only chance I ever had to get her back. Now, she needed to learn how to fight again. I played the meanest card I had and used my power over her.
"You want us to stay together?" I asked softly when I pulled back. She nodded fervently. "Then you need to let me help you. You need to do as I say, okay?" Once again, she nodded. For the first time in a long while I could see the determination radiating from her eyes. "I'm going to fix us something to eat. I want you to eat it this time. Don't just stare at your food, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed softly.
In the kitchen, Bella watched me suspiciously as I made a few sandwiches and arranged some fruit on a plate. "Is she okay?" she asked carefully.
I shook my head trying to hold my sobs, but tears burst through anyway and rolled down my cheeks. "Not right now, but she will be," I answered curtly. "She has to be." There was no way that she was slipping through my fingers now. I couldn't afford to lose her. I refused to lose her. I looked at Bella and her eyes were filled with worry. Still waters run deep. Perhaps Bella was quiet, but that didn't mean she was clueless.
We kept sitting in the small corner. I lit a few candles. It was kind of peaceful and intimate and felt nice. I watched as she carefully put the grapes into her mouth, chewed then swallowed. She ate every single one of them. This was the first time that I had seen her eat so much, since she was attacked. When her plate was empty, she curled her hands into the sleeves and started fidgeting. She began chewing furiously at the inside of her cheek while glancing at the clock.
"You need to take a shower?" This was a part of her daily routine. Every morning and every night, she would shower for a long time. The water bill was through the roof, but neither Bella nor I said anything. I just paid the expensive bill.
"Yes," she said carefully like she was asking for permission.
I reached out for her cheek and she flinched back colliding with the wall roughly. "Sorry," I murmured and amended. "I am going to touch your cheek now," I said gently and stroked my thumb across her cheek. This time she didn't recoil, but sat still and let me brush her skin. Her eyes were wide with fright, but she let me. "Take your shower, but I want to watch," I said carefully.
"Why?" she muttered and her lips trembled.
"Because I want to see how thin you are. I want to see if last night was the first time you really cut yourself." I said honestly.
"Don't you trust me?" she mumbled and looked away.
"Should I, Jasper?"
She hesitated, opened her mouth a few times, but closed it again. "No. You shouldn't," she answered finally. She curled her body into a tiny ball.
"Are you afraid to let me see you without clothes on?" I asked carefully and she nodded immediately. "I promise that I won't touch you. I just need to see. Let's go and you can have your shower."
In the bathroom she slowly curled out of her shirt, one after the other. I hadn't realized she was wearing five. Every time she took one off, her frame became smaller. I did my best to hold on to my rattled composure, but it was an epic battle. I knew it took all her courage to do this and I was proud of her.
I stared horrified at her tiny naked frame. "Oh, my god, Jasper." I gasped, losing my composure. Her collarbones were too prominent perturbing out from the top of her chest dramatically. Her upper arms were extremely thin. Her sinews and bones ran dramatically just under the skin. Her hipbones were stretching just beneath her unhealthily pale membrane. Her head seem too big for her, almost like a growing child's body. I needed to hold back another gasp when I realized her entire body was covered in a fine layer of hairs, the body's own protection against the cold, because she was so thin. Jasper was nothing but skin and bone. Her once so vigorous body was gone. It wasn't just her mind that was fading away. She was physically withering away. I closed my eyes feeling so ashamed that I let this go on for so long. I had basically helped her hide this. She had been at my side for the past six months and I had let this happen to her without helping her to get better. I hadn't realized her weight loss was that extensive. She looked to have lost as least thirty pounds. She never needed to lose weight to begin with, not a single pound. She really hadn't been eating at all.
I closed my eyes for a brief moment, trying to focus my energy on her and not on my disappointment with myself. "Where have you been cutting yourself?" I asked carefully. It hurt so much saying it, but we had to hold on to the honesty that had always been between us.
She held out her left arm and I could clearly see the thin healing cuts on her upper arm. Fortunately, that wasn't as bad as I thought. There were considerably less than I expected. She then pointed to her thigh and I found the same amount of reddish lines along with the fresh. On the opposite leg were similar marks. Those were the ones that I had caught her making last night. Those were pink and fresh compared to the others.
I reached behind her and turned the water on. I stared seriously into her broken eyes. "I love you, Jasper. But from now on, I will check your body for new cuts whenever I see fit. I will also monitor your weight regularly. This has got to stop and it stops today!" I demanded.
"Thank you, Alice," she said softly.
When Jasper was having her nightly shower anger rose inside of me. I went back to our room and found her phone. I checked the photos once more and pulled up the number they were sent from. I paced back to the living room.
"Hello." The deep voice mused, sounding almost smug. Oh, she knew who she thought was calling. If I had the strength, I would have crushed the phone with my fingers.
"How dare you send her those pictures? How dare you fucking do that to her? If you ever disturb our lives again, I will have Aro make sure you never work again. Am I making myself clear? Leah, I have put up with a lot of shit from you, but it ends now! Yeah, little birds can kick ass too!" She was about to answer back, but I wasn't having it. "Go fuck yourself, Leah," I snarled harshly.
I hung up without waiting for her to respond. I tossed Jasper's phone to the sofa. I ran my trembling hands over my face trying to control my anger. When I looked up, Bella was staring at me flabbergasted.
"What was that about?" she asked wary.
"Taking care of what is mine," I muttered, but didn't bother to elaborate. I found some clean clothes for Jasper, making sure I had the multiple layers of shirts ready so she would feel comfortable.
When she was done with her shower and safely back in her layers of shirts, we settled on the bed. I sat back against the head of the bed and with my brush in my hand. I slowly unfolded Jasper's hair from the towel wrapped around her head. She agreed to sit between my legs, so I could comb her hair out. I was devastated to see the amount of loose strands tangled in the teeth of the brush. Her hair was falling out. I put the brush away while drawing in a deep breath.
"I think we should postpone the wedding," I said carefully. Jasper stiffened and slowly turned, looking over her shoulder horrified. Intense pain shot through her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. "We're supposed to get married in almost three weeks and neither you nor I are in the right frame of mind right now. I want us to focus on you getting better."
"Okay," she mouthed after a long pause. "Just promise me that you still want to get married."
"I do…" I smirked weakly. "I promise I will be your wife. Just a little later than expected."
We talked the entire night, cried some and hashed out a plan for us. I would do whatever it took to get her life back. She deserved better than this.
oooooOOOOooooo
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