Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the plot
This is/was actually an OUTTAKE to my other Fan Fiction story Starting Over that revolves around Edward and Bella, but it took on a life of its own and is now an individual story. I am posting it as a separate, but parallel story to Starting Over. You can read one without having read the other.
First of all I want to give a MAJOR shout out to my beta and her highly appreciated and detailed comments on this story. DAZZLED EYES22 - This story wouldn't be the same without you.
A/N:
I want to thank those of you who read and commented on the latest chapter, I know it wasn't a pleasant experience.
In this chapter we are back to Jasper's POV and to see through her eyes what her world changed into.
Warning: There are still elements of discomfort present in this chapter.
oooooOOOOooooo
Between Year One and Year One and a Half
It was dark. Everything was just so dark. I could hardly remember the days that passed, let alone separate them. They were all just a huge black blur. Six months had gone by and I hardly noticed. It all just felt like one moonless night soaked in pain. This deafening all consuming agony was suffocating me.
The first murky memory I had after that dark time was Alice spotting me in the bathroom with the blade clutched in my hand. I was digging it into my thigh. I did it to relieve some of the choking pain that I felt. Adding a hurt that I controlled, it was like I could take just one breath. Doing this helped dull the ache from his disgusting hands terrorizing my body. Letting the sharp edge of the blade kiss my skin I could drown him out for just a brief moment. I could beat him like this.
Locking eyes with Alice, I watched her horrified face as she took me in. That had been the initiation of my wake up call. Had I known then what would come the following day and not the truth behind it, I might seriously have ended it.
I had thought about killing myself more times than I could count, but I was to chicken to act on it. The eternal darkness was whispering so seductively for me to join it and to avoid feeling this devastating ache. It was telling me that I could escape from remembering him and what he had done to me. It would relieve me of my terror.
The next day, I had experienced a feeling that I dimly remembered from before all this darkness - shame. I felt ashamed. Running my fingers over the two fresh cut marks on my thigh, I felt shameful towards Alice. She shouldn't have to look at this. She shouldn't have to put up with me anymore. All day at work, I thought about what to say to her to end our relationship. She shouldn't waste her life on me any longer. She was too good for this.
Later in the afternoon, I found out just how wrong I was. I had thought I was strong enough to let her go, that I had the courage to set her free and not be with her anymore. I had been so naïve, so stupid and so blind.
I hardly remembered greeting Bella when I got home. I just sat down on the couch and waited for Alice to come home, like I did every day. I could vaguely hear Bella chatting animatedly to her daughter Elizabeth in the kitchen, but I didn't pay attention them. I just stared at the raw bricks on the back wall. My phone had buzzed a few times and I checked it out of habit. It was Leah's number. I didn't have her name listed, but I recognized the digits. I stared dazed at her words trying to get them to make sense.
Has the little bird flown the nest?
The text was followed by images of Nettie. I immediately recognized her blond hair. It looked the same as it had since college, blond, long and lush. It took a few moments until I saw that it was Alice she was holding in her arms, perhaps kissing? It was hard to tell, but I was sure it was Alice that she was hugging so warmly and affectionately. Everything suddenly made perfect sense. I wouldn't have to leave Alice. She had already left me and found someone worthy of her and who loved her, like she deserved to be loved.
I went completely numb and let myself drown and be swallowed up in the darkness. There was nothing now.
A small hand slipped underneath mine and it was like a red-hot burning iron. It scorched my skin with a pain that obliterated the numbness I felt. It was like my anesthetized body was catapulted back to reality and I landed in a pool of acid. I pulled back instinctively because I didn't like anyone touching me anymore. I wasn't worthy. I looked at her for only a brief second, but that was all I could manage. Naively, I had thought that very same day I would be fine without her, but nothing was farther from the truth. I needed Alice more than air to breathe or water to drink. Knowing and feeling that I lost her, that was my wake-up call.
I made the selfish choice and begged Alice to stay with me, though I knew I should let her go. For some unfathomable reason, she still wanted to be with me. All of a sudden, I wanted to live. It was like I could see a distant light at the end of a very long tunnel. It was just a tiny glimmer, but it was there. It looked like hope.
It was hard seeing Nettie the next day. I hoped and believed Alice would never lie to me, but it still made perfect sense that Alice would want someone else. Everyone liked Nettie, so why not her? They talked seriously for a while. Apparently Nettie had been doing some research all night, calling in favors at the hospital, and finding a therapist that I had agreed to see. I didn't care who it was. Initially, I just wanted to please Alice, so I agreed to go. I figured it couldn't hurt or possibly get any worse than this. I registered their names were Peter and Charlotte Berg, but not much more than that.
Nettie looked at me the same way Alice had the night before when she had seen me without clothes on. It was a look of disgust. Looking at myself in the mirror after I showered yesterday, I didn't recognize the girl I was seeing. It had to be someone else. I knew what I looked like, but the girl in the mirror didn't look like me. Funny though, the girl in the mirror had the same scars on her stomach that I did.
I flinched away from Nettie when she tried to hug me goodbye and wish me well. I did not deserve to be touched.
I called in sick for a few days before Alice went with me to my office and saw my boss, Mr. Marcus. I had been working basically since the attack, but I was probably only a hairsbreadth away from getting a pink slip. My work wasn't up to par with my usual standards by far. I knew that and I continually missed deadlines. Mr. Marcus agreed to a six months leave of absence and kept me on the personnel records, but without pay. I hated the idea of not working and making my own money, but Alice insisted that I needed that time to focus on healing. After a long debate, I finally agreed to let her support me financially during that period.
oooooOOOOooooo
"You'll be fine, sweetheart." Alice said sweetly when I left the chair in the waiting room. "I'll be right here when you're done." I was glad she had gone with me to the first session of therapy, otherwise I would never have made it to his office. Perhaps Alice knew that. I nodded silently and followed the tall slender man into his office. I flinched when the door closed behind me. I fisted my hands around my sleeves hoping to feel a little calmer. It was almost easier to be shrouded in the darkness like I had been for the past months, because now even a tiny breeze on my skin felt like a hurricane whipping past me. Every day, I was even more horribly alive and I didn't understand any of my emotions. I felt everything now and the hurt was sharper, piercing compared to the dull suffocating darkness that I was so familiar with.
He sat down across from me in a comfy chair. I curled my legs up underneath me on the sofa. The leather was very soft.
"It's nice to meet you, Jasper," he said evaluating me. I didn't answer, but stared at my hands. "Would you like something to drink?" I shook my head. He crossed his legs and smiled sympathetically at me when I dared a glance at him. "Okay, do you have any questions for me before we start?"
I evaluated for a brief moment. "What kind of work do you do? I mean, what is this place?" I knew I should have known this, but I hadn't participated when Alice and Nettie discussed options. Alice had tried to get me to join the conversation, but I hadn't been able to concentrate.
"I run this office with my wife, Charlotte. She works with sexually abused and traumatized children. I mainly work with women, who have been assaulted like you have, Jasper. I specialize in dealing with the consequences of sexually assault. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes."
"Okay, let's get started. Shall we?" The phrase was rhetorical because he continued with an observant eye on me. "Could you tell me what happened? Just tell me in your own words."
My mouth went completely dry. I instantly regretted declining the drink. My body started trembling. "I can't. Not yet." Tears brimmed in my eyes.
"Let's start somewhere else, then. How about you tell me about your life. What do you like to do?"
I drew a sigh of relief. This was easy. I opened my mouth to tell Peter about this, but no words came out. "I don't do anything anymore." I whispered and tears fell heavily. Shamefully, I wiped them away.
"It's okay Jasper. This is supposed to be a sanctuary for you. There is no right or wrong to what you say here. Anything emotional goes. Try to relax just a little bit. Perhaps tell me what you liked to do before you were assaulted. Anything in particular made you happy?"
I smiled humbly. "Alice. She made me happy. She still makes me happy." I paused. "My brother, Emmett. He lacks a lot of tact, but he is fun and exciting to be around. I love my job. I am good at my job… or, at least, I used to be." I drew a deep breath and suddenly words tumbled from my lips one after the other. It was easy telling him about what I used to be like. I knew that girl very well. I liked her. I talked about my fairly uncomplicated childhood, being gay, my family and falling in love with Alice. "Before this happened, we were building a future. Everything was so bright, almost pink and lively, but the bubble burst and I don't know who I am anymore."
"Don't worry about that. We'll get you there." He smiled gently. "Perhaps it would be a good start to see your family. Confront them. You seem to miss them and you haven't seen them for a while. Have you?" He guessed. I shook my head no. "Do you think you could do that?"
"Perhaps."
"Consider it for next time." I gaped that time already seemed to be up. Peter smiled. "You did well, Jasper."
I didn't answer.
oooooOOOOooooo
The following weekend after seeing Peter, I mustered all my courage and we went home to my parents. I sat on the train glancing out the window while Alice furiously licked her teeth and fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. It was like my body had been turned inside out because I noticed things all of a sudden. Some of them were grating on my nerves. For instant Alice's persistent concern that my family would hate her irritated me. No one in the world could hate Alice.
"Stop it please, Alice." I said quietly and glanced out the window at houses whirling past us.
"They're going to hate me forever," she muttered. My lips thinned into a hard line when I looked at her again.
"Alice, stop this. You didn't do this to me. I did. Stop blaming yourself," I said softly. I was the only one to blame for my deplorable state, not her.
"I should have helped you," she countered slightly annoyed because she thought I was making excuses for her.
"You are helping me."
"I should have done it sooner," she gritted her teeth.
I sighed exasperated. "We've been over this a million times. I really don't want to rehash this argument. My family is not going to hate you."
Her hand shot out to touch me, but she pulled it back when I flinched. "You're right. I'm sorry this shouldn't be about me. I'm glad we're going to see them. I'm just a little nervous," she apologized.
I tried to smile at her, but my lips wouldn't move. "So am I, baby."
"Good thing we are stronger together," she said softly and leaned her head back against the seat. "I'll love you forever. Just remember that."
"Promise?" My heart swelled in my chest where it felt like it was going to fracture my ribcage. The girl sitting next to me was the reason for me to get better.
"Promise." Her hand moved towards my face again. "Can I?"
"Not right now." I refused. I wanted more than anything to feel her gingerly fingers on my cheek, but I was still too disgusted with myself to accept it.
At my childhood home, my mom eyed us warily when we stepped through the door. She did it like only my mom could, reading her own daughter's desperation. "Oh, sweetheart," she sighed and wiped her hands on the dishtowel. We hadn't seen them in a few months, basically because I had somehow become a master of evasion. "I'll get your father and Emmett," she said kindly. We had called in advanced, inviting ourselves for lunch. That was probably why Emmett was here too.
Emmett's loud voice could be heard throughout the house, but he silenced completely for a short moment when he saw me. "What the fuck happened to you?" he asked mortified when he laid eyes on me. I just looked down because I had been avoiding my brother for a long time. Emmett had always been there for me, perhaps even after the rape, but I loosely remembered not letting him near me mentally or physically. I used to love spending time with him, but I shut him out and pushed him away along with everyone else. It was strange how my life started to flash before me in retrospect. It wasn't easy to acknowledge how I had turned my back on everything.
We sat down at the dining table in the old, warm and comfortable living room. Tears fell from my eyes, even before I opened my mouth. My heart was pumping ferociously in my chest as I searched for the words to explain what I'd done. "I'd appreciate it if you all just let me say what I need to, so Emmett please don't interrupt me." I smiled meekly, attempting a joke to lighten the dense mood. I snorted and ran my hand covered by my sleeve under my nose. "There is really no easy way to say this. I've lied to you all, avoided you, declined your help, and I am so sorry. I need help." My voice was threadbare and I kept my eyes on the table, but I had to say this myself. Alice couldn't do it for me, no matter how much I knew she wanted to. I tried to push my tears back when I spoke quietly and ashamed about my depression. It was devastating to reveal these horrible facts of my life. "Recently, I've developed a destructive pattern to deal with the aftermath of my… uh, attack. I never sleep and I'm exhausted. I can't bear to let anyone touch me. I've hurt myself by cutting my own skin with a razor blade. I've starved myself or just not eaten, because I don't have an appetite. I don't even weigh ninety pounds right now." I paused, without looking up. "Alice and I have cancelled the wedding for the moment. We've written letters to everyone invited explaining the circumstances. I am on a leave of absence from work and I started going to therapy last week." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve after my impromptu monologue. "That's it. That's what I had to say," I muttered quietly. I waited for their retribution, but it didn't come.
They all sat still as stones around the table. One face was paler than the other. My mom shed silent tears, my dad was gaping and Emmett was fuming. Tragedy was heavy and thick all around us. What the hell was anyone supposed to say to a statement like this? There was no answer.
Mom decided to ease the tension by serving lunch. It was a welcome break. I sat alone at the table for a moment before I joined her in the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, mom," I whispered and leaned against the cupboard.
"I just don't understand why you didn't come to us sooner." Mom looked at me gravely.
"And say what? I wanted to handle this on my own."
"No one should handle anything like this on their own, sweetheart. You have a family and we all love you. We're always here for you. I wish you knew that." Mom answered. Hurt and confusion were prominent in her eyes.
"I do know that. It was just easier to hide it. I hid it from everyone, even from Alice."
Mom's eyes widened surprised. "That must not have been easy to do. You two have been pretty much set in stone from the beginning."
I bit down hard on my lip to force back another round of crying. There was just so much pain now. "I hope we still are. We cancelled the wedding, but she promises that she still loves me." My voice thickened.
"Of course she does, honey. None of it was your fault. She would never blame you for the things you have done." She picked up the knife again and started slicing the tomatoes. Quickly, she checked whatever was cooking in the oven. The smell of food wafted past my nose and it made me queasy, but I knew I had no other option but to eat. The scale clocking in at a measly eighty-eight pounds had been eye-opening. I would admit in the beginning I chose not to eat, because I could control the pain of hunger, but over time I just stopped feeling hungry at all.
I realized much too late that my mom was too close for comfort. "No, mom. Don't hug me. Just… don't!" I put my hands up in front of me to ward her off. It was just not a possibility for her to embrace me.
From outside, Emmett's voice suddenly rang loud. It was clear that he was having a go at Alice. Mom reacted immediately and fled the kitchen to help Alice, I assumed. His verbal assaults hailed down on her, but she didn't counter. She just took it until mom intervened.
After lunch, I sat on the stairs inside and watched Alice sitting on the porch and picking the pedals of a flower. "Alice?" My dad called when he emerged from the garage.
"Yes, Mr. Whitlock," she answered and glanced to her side over at him.
He smiled warmly. "My dad's been dead for twenty years. So for the hundredth time, please call me Gregg." He sat down next to her. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine," she croaked. He gazed at her earnestly.
"Really, Alice?" she shook her head, and then gave in to her tears. Together, Alice and I had cried so much over the last week. The pool of tears just seemed endless. I hated how I caused her so much pain. That it was absolutely my fault that she wasn't just happy and bubbly like she should be.
"I'm so sorry Mr.…. uh, Gregg. I'm so sorry that I let this happen. I should have taken better care of her," she sobbed. He put his arm around her shoulder and shushed her. I leaned my head against the railing and just watched as she leaned tiredly into his arm. I knew she was emotionally exhausted too.
"It's okay, sweetheart. It's not your fault. Not at all." He comforted kindly. "Have you talked to your own parents about this?"
I could sense her eye roll even with her back to me. She wiped the tears with the back of her hand. "What do you think?" She paused. "That would be a no. My mom sent me a few letters after my first fashion show claiming that they were sorry for how things were between us and they missed me. Funny how that apology fell a little flat when she then leaped into a tirade on where they went wrong in raising me and what they did incorrectly to make me choose such an incomprehensible path for my life. They don't understand why I can't just forget this nonsense. That's what she calls Jasper, nonsense! My mom doesn't understand why I can't just find someone to be suitable as a husband. She even rudely offered that we could forget the whole thing that happened that night at the show. I would be welcome in their home again… if I had a boyfriend." she snorted. "Like not choosing Jasper was ever an option," she mumbled sardonically. I smiled hearing her sweet words. "She is so hung up on things like details between Jasper and I that are just SO none of her business. No matter who I was with, it would still be none of her damn business," she ranted. "I just don't understand them. Why does it matters so much who or how I love?" Her shoulders tensed and clearly anger blossomed inside of her.
She had been so mad when those letters came. I read them all. I wasn't the least bit surprised by their contents, because I had been prepared for their disapproval back then. Alice though, had been very hurt. "My parents said some really degrading and disrespectful things about Jasper, blaming her for ruining my life. She has no idea who my girlfriend is as a person. She has no clue how kind, witty, understanding and sweet she is. Mom had no right to trash her like that." By the sound of Alice's voice, it was clear she was giving into her own desperation right now. The floodgates opened as she unloaded on my father. "I haven't seen them since and frankly they don't even have the right to know that she is sick. I won't give them the luxury of knowing she is in pain. They don't deserve to know."
Dad gave her shoulder a small squeeze bringing her out of her anger spiral. "I still say it's their loss. You're an extraordinary girl, Alice." He rubbed his chin with his free hand. "As a father, it makes me happy and relieved to see my daughter so loved, especially now when times are so challenging," he smiled a little sad smile at her. He pulled a folded piece of paper from his chest pocket and handed it to her. She unfolded it and stared at it.
"A check for ten thousand dollars!" she gasped with disbelief. I even gasped, spying on their conversation. I quietly opened the screen door and let it close soundlessly behind me.
"I don't know how else to help you two. With Jasper not working for a while and the therapy, you're going to need that. I just hope I can relieve you of some of your worries. I know that doesn't cover your expenses by far, but I hope it is a start for you or somewhere soft to land if things get tougher. Don't you dare offer to pay that back."
"I can't take your money, dad." I said quietly from behind them. The dull braid was slung over my shoulder where I fiddled with the dry and split ends.
Dad smiled deviously at me. "I didn't give it to you. I gave it to Alice. There is nothing for you to decline."
"Thank you… Gregg." Alice mouthed carefully. I knew that we should turn the offer down, but right now it was a godsend and we would need the cash somewhere along the way. We had a little nest egg in our own savings, but I was realistic enough to realize that we would feel the consequence of my missing paycheck. That was the main reason I wanted to keep working. I hated putting the financial strain solely on Alice.
Dad stood up and tried to stroke my hair when he passed me. I flinched away from him instantly. He said nothing, but it was clear that little instinctive motion broke his heart.
Alice folded up the check and stuffed it into her summer jacket pocket. I sat down next to her. "I told you they wouldn't hate you." She cocked a snide brow at me and I smiled thinly, but nothing that reached my eyes. "Okay, but Emmett is not one to carry a grudge. He gets over things pretty quickly." I murmured.
"Thanks, baby." She smiled gratefully at me. "Can I hold your hand?"
I nodded and she laced her fingers into mine. Her hand was warm. Then I realized it was my hand that was so cold. It was a warm day, but I was freezing. I wore six layers of shirts today and I was still cold.
oooooOOOOooooo
Just like I suspected, Emmett quickly recovered from his tantrum where he flipped out on Alice. He had his own way of helping. He was all about physique and exercise, like he always had been. A few days had passed since we were at our parents before Emmett showed up at our door. He started taking me out a couple of times every week. At first, I was apprehensive because I didn't want the exercise to drain what little energy that I did have, but I was proven wrong. Emmett showed a different and much softer side than I was aware he had. He met me at my level and where I could manage it. In the beginning, it was just short walks then it progressed to slow jogging. He never complained or pushed me too far. It was like he was nursing me physically the same way Alice doing mentally. After a few weeks, I dipped into the spare cash from dad and bought a pair of running shoes. Emmett helped me get the right ones. I wanted to try to build up my strength. I realized quickly the exercise only spruced me to have more energy and it helped me sleep at night. I slept better simply because I was physically tired. Running also helped my appetite. After a trip, I would feel hungry and not be disgusted with the food. I was able to eat it like I used to, perhaps even more. I would sometimes scarf down two whole plates of food for dinner, basically as much as Emmett consumed and he was a mountain of a man.
By my fourth therapy session, I was finally able to give Peter a rundown of what happened the night he attacked me. At first, I was just numb going through the episode, but then I became hysterical. Alice had to hold me all night to keep me fairly calm. Her fingers running through my hair was soothing. It was the first time that I really let her comfort me. I let her a little bit closer that night.
Only once had I harmed myself after starting therapy. I had done it one night when Alice was asleep. I had a nightmare and needed to dull the pain of him touching me. However, this time when I felt the sharp pain of the blade, I didn't get a sense of relief. Not at all. I felt that I betrayed my whole world doing this. It was suddenly crystal clear how wrong this was. I dumped the razor in the sink and woke up Alice. I broke down and cried. She deserved better. When she chose to stay with me, she should have the best Jasper she could get. Not one that deceived and lied to her.
"It's okay, baby." She shushed me. I let her hug me and it felt indescribable to have her comfort me. "I'm so proud of you. It's just a little set back. Nothing to worry about," She whispered. "Let's get you cleaned up." I glanced down at my pants where the sticky blood was soaking the thick fabric of my sweats.
With my iPod that Emmett procured and filled with music, running became another refuge for me. It was a time where it was safe to dig into some of the pain from my attack. I could somehow channel my anger and resentment with myself into pushing further. Within months, I had strangely built up the ability to run ten miles. Feeling like I was accomplishing something made me feel strong and I fed off that emotion. The latest development was Emmett betting me if I could run the New York marathon in November of the following year. Alice thought he was downright insane, but I wanted more than anything to prove Emmett wrong. I wanted to make him eat his words when he said there was no way I would finish.
Emmett changed the locks on our door with a solid deadbolt that would keep an exploding grenade on the outside. Bella, Alice and I stared at him with disbelief. He did what boys do best - played with large tools. Without any of our permission, he signed all of us up for self-defense classes. Every Thursday night, we learned how to kick nuts, break fingers, poke eyeballs and shove the nasal ridges of perpetrators into their brains. He also volunteered every time to be our punching bag. I could easily see his point. Emmett was making sure his girls were as safe as we could be. That's what we all were to him – his girls.
For me, this was a major hurdle that needed to be crossed. I had to swallow my fear, relearn how to touch people and let them touch me. I had to see myself differently and push back my disgust with my body to participate. Slowly, I let my guard down and grew more comfortable. I was able to allow Alice to hold my hand now without her asking for permission for the most part. Other people, friends, and especially strangers were continuously an issue.
Alice still monitored my weight and I allowed her to without getting too cranky about it. The numbers were climbing. I would slowly notice small changes in my physique. My legs were gaining some muscle definition and the skin on my back would seem smoother. My arms weren't as frail anymore. There was just a slight hint of bone around my ribs, not the dramatic display of a skeleton that I had seen when I first realized how thin I was. Alice sometimes looked for fresh cut marks, but they were all healed now. During this study, she gently touched me without asking first. I didn't recoil from her anymore.
She smiled all bubbly and giggly the day that a small roll of skin toppled over the waistband of my ridiculously small size jeans. "I'm liking this," she beamed and pinched the ripple of flesh as I was getting ready to get on the scale.
I smiled, one I could feel reached my eyes. "What? You want me fat?" I asked and cocked a brow.
"Just healthy, my love," she answered and checked the scale. I had gained another pound and a half over the last two weeks. I was one hundred and four pounds now. "Take your shower." I still showered twice a day as a part of my routine. My nightly shower was often necessary because I had been out running and was soaked in sweat, but the nights that I didn't exercise I would still do it. It wasn't half an hour sessions anymore, but just a quick trip under the spray. It helped managing and accepting what he had done to me. It was like I could wash it off me.
To have something to get up to every morning, I started going into work with Alice. The first week, I basically just sat and stared dazed out the window. Slowly, I started to get annoyed at her disorganization with her work. She didn't pay much attention to me while she designed, but escaped into a world where she made her visions come true. To fill the time with something, I started putting her things into order. So one day when she pulled out a folder needing to find an old pattern in her chaos of a system, she figured out what I had been doing. All the patterns I had marked with numbers, neatly folded, and categorized with images of what design they belonged to. Everything was in a strict and rigorous order. I even made an index for the damn folders.
"Talk about control, Jasper. You did this?"
I just smiled gleefully at her and continued my game of solitaire on the computer.
"You're pretty awesome. You know that." She stated and I smiled.
The next thing that I updated was her webpage, then her fabric swatches. I had always been organized with my work and I kept Alice's stuff in strict order now.
Alice sometimes participated in my therapy sessions. We both agreed to this because we felt it was the most efficient way for us both to know what was going on. It was good for us to attend together at times. Alice and I never had secrets and neither of us wanted to start now.
In the beginning, Alice started to doubt the effects of therapy because at times I seemed to cry more, while acting more erratic and distraught. Peter caught her building apprehension and told her to trust his medical expertise. I needed to get these things out. Crying and being hysterical at times was just a vessel to get rid of my frustrations. It was better than to lock them up like I had been doing. He said that I was in safe hands with him and I trusted him. I needed to be pulled apart for him to put me back together again.
When Alice participated in therapy, we talked about our lives together. We left no stone unturned. We talked about our relationship before I was attacked. We talked about our hopes and dreams for the future. We even talked about the sex life that we used to have. Peter made me see that Alice didn't need it. She didn't need me to touch her or show her my awkward one-sided version of intimacy. I dimly remembered being intimate with her, but it was so far from how we used to be together. I wouldn't tolerate her touching me. For the six months that I had been in therapy, we hadn't touched each other at all.
oooooOOOOooooo
The ache in my lungs was magnificent as the asphalt whirled past my feet. I pushed myself further. I loved the sensation of the burn in my muscles, knowing I beat him down once more. Just to wring the last speck of elation from this powerful feeling of winning, I took the long way around our block. Just to prove how little control he had over me now.
I grabbed the railing to the stairs, folding over, trying to catch my breath for a moment. Sweat was dripping from my face, even in this icy cold. I glanced upward seeing the lights were on in the apartment. I smiled as the world outside dimmed and was shrouded in the winter darkness.
Light. That was what Alice was to me. She was my light through all of this. Had it not been for her, I would never have found my way through this maze of darkness. Not that everything was peachy and perfect. I still had a truckload of issues, but she made the light at the end of the tunnel travel just a little bit closer every day.
I ran up the stairs itching to see Alice. I had been with Bella most of the day helping her out at the bookstore. My life wasn't the only one that had changed. Bella had become a shop owner recently and needed help managing everything. I was glad to help out while I could. It was only two weeks until I went back to work again. I was looking forward to that, but also slightly scared. It was a big step.
"Hey," I yelled when I stepped in the door. I was immediately greeted by squeals of childish joy and Alice calling back.
"Hey, baby."
I stepped out of my filthy and used running shoes and wiped my dripping nose with the back of my hand. It was freaking cold outside. I pulled off my gloves, hat and jacket and turned off my iPod. I had changed the music since Emmett gave it to me. I found classical music so much easier to run to. I didn't have to match my pace to the heavy beat of a tune.
The kitchen was filled with the soothing smell of lasagna bubbling in the oven. Alice was busy chopping up a salad. Elizabeth sat on the counter trying to chew a piece of cucumber with her four teeth and Bella was grumbling over some papers. I smiled feeling warm inside.
I gazed at the huge bowl of salad and the considerable size of the lasagna in the oven. "Emmett's coming?" I guessed.
"Yes, and you've been running." Alice smiled and inclined a knowing manicured brow at me. That would more than double the amount of food.
"I'm starving." I gazed at her beautiful face for a moment. "I missed you." I said in a low hushed voice. I kept staring confused at Alice for a moment before I leaned in and kissed her. It wasn't really something we did anymore, but strangely I needed to now. Her mouth was so soft and the faint smell of her lip-gloss befuddled me. I pulled back a little and peered into her striking eyes. I closed my eyes feeling confident and tasted her lips again. My heart started pounding in my chest and I couldn't figure out why, but I couldn't let go of her mouth just yet. It was so unearthly soft and tender. Without thinking about it I gently tried to coax her lips apart, just wanting a slight brush of her tongue. She let me. She reciprocated gently and kissed me back with so much love that I basically wanted to cry. It was like the blood in my veins started humming. Did it always feel like this when kissing her?
I brushed her mouth one final time and just gazed astonished at her then I felt a small unexplainable smile curl at the corners of my mouth. "How long until dinner?"
"Fifteen minutes." Alice answered, while looking at me with an odd, but content look.
"I'll shower." I blinked a few times, letting reality filter into my world again. It like several minutes was just sucked from my life, but it could only have been a few seconds.
Elizabeth started blabbering noises and I was efficiently back in our kitchen. Bella was also staring at me. I felt my face heat when I turned to the baby. Elizabeth waved her cucumber stick at me and I took a small bite. "Thank you, sweetie," she squealed joyfully again.
As I found a clean set of clothes in our room, I heard Bella's hushed voice. "That was nice to see." I glanced over my shoulder and saw Alice and Bella share meaningful looks that I didn't understand.
I turned the water off and dried. I shrugged into my yoga pants last when Emmett's loud voice pounded through the apartment. "Where is my favorite girl?" Elizabeth grinned with delight several times. I smiled. Elizabeth and Emmett were almost inseparable.
I blow dried my hair and threw it into a messy bun. I didn't bother to do anything else with it. I was just so long. I sat down at the table with the others and my stomach snarled loudly. I tucked into my food and helped myself to a second serving. The others chatted animatedly and I just listened for a while.
"Why are you here anyway, Emmett?" I asked after a while, finishing my second round of lasagna.
"And you say that I'm bad mannered?" He bantered and laughed. I just rolled my eyes.
Bella chewed and swallowed. "We were going to watch a movie. You wanna join?"
"Sure, if it's not Emmett's pick." I taunted and narrowed my eyes at him.
"Hey! For your information, I have great taste in movies." He threw me a dirty look and bared his teeth in a ridiculous growl.
"I'm not sure porn and slasher movies actually qualify as taste, Emmett," Alice mocked.
"You better watch it, Pixie," he warned with a grin, clearly enjoying the sardonic taunting.
Emmett and Alice cleaned after dinner, arguing and bickering over nothing, while I sat on the floor and played with Elizabeth. I never had a problem with her soft childish hand touching me. With her, it was different and safe.
Bella was still sweating over some paperwork from the bookstore, being thrown out of her comfort zone. She wanted to learn everything about running the store and not just ship it off to my dad, though I had offered countless times.
I changed Elizabeth into her one-piece rainbow pajamas and got her cleaned for bed. I wanted to give Bella some space to finish her work. Elizabeth was also getting grumpy, irritated and tired, while rubbing her eyes.
"Good day?" Emmett asked when he leaned over the back of the couch. He was never very verbose about my feelings, but he always asked in that simple way.
"Yes," I replied, my answer was always as simple as his question. Yes or no. I could hear rather than see his smile and then he kissed my hair briefly. I controlled the urge to flinch at the contact.
"Come here, baby Bells." He lifted Elizabeth off my lap and snuggled with her on the other couch. He opened the Winnie the Pooh book and Elizabeth patted his cheek. "Yeah, Yeah. Uncle Emmett needs a shave." He answered simply and started to read. The baby settled stomach to stomach with him and her eyes grew droopy instantly. She nuzzled into his neck with her fingers curled into his hair. This was their repertoire.
"Put her to bed before she falls asleep, Emmett," Bella scolded from the kitchen. "It's a hassle getting her in bed when you're not here." Emmett ignored her completely and kissed the curly bronze baby hair. It was awfully cute to watch my burly brother with the baby snuggled comfortably on his chest.
Alice emerged holding out options of movies. Emmett stopped stroking Elizabeth, who was snoring soundly on his chest, and muttered. "No fucking way."
"Good thing that you don't live here then. You don't get a vote!" she dismissed pointedly and turned to me, beaming with glee. I rolled my eyes at their usual banter. Underneath all their hostility was a profound respect for each other. This was just their game.
I pointed to the one that was the most action packed, taking pity on Emmett. Alice put the DVD in and sat down next to me.
"God, Emmett. You are not helping or making my life easier. I told you to put her in bed." Bella grumbled and peeled the sleeping baby from him his chest. Elizabeth whined in her sleep as Bella took her in her arms and vanished into her room to tuck her into bed.
"What? It's not my fault she dozed off." He grinned playfully, knowing she would do precisely that. She did it every time he was here, which was often.
Bella was back and sat down putting her feet over Emmett's lap. He looked at me. "How far did you run today?"
"Sixteen and a half mile." I answered.
"Bad ass." He nodded approvingly.
"Shut up, Emmett. The movie is starting," Alice admonished. Emmett was about to open his mouth, but Alice efficiently silenced him with a fierce glare. I smiled and gazed at Alice. I chewed my cheek for a moment, before I decided I was brave enough to initiate a little contact. I laid my head in her lap and nestled on the couch. Alice propped her feet up on the coffee table slouching down. She smiled widely at me, so sweet and kind.
"Can I?" she asked with her hand hovering just above my neck. I nodded at turned my eyes to the screen.
"Emmett, get your feet off the damn table," I complained when he blocked the screen.
"What's your fucking problem? Alice has her feet on the table."
"She wears a dainty size five and a half and you have what… a size sixteen? They're the size of canoes."
Emmett's smile broadened and he grinned wickedly, but pulled them back down.
Alice's delicate fingers twirled the band out of my hair and she started running her fingers through it repeatedly. Sometimes, she stroked the skin at my neck absentmindedly. It felt so soothing.
I casually glanced at Emmett and Bella because she kept shifting between giggling and grumbling, then kicking Emmett's hands away when he was making an effort to annoy her. As I watched my makeshift family, I suddenly felt hopeful, but also a little on the outside, not really part of the gang. I closed my eyes for a moment and relished this blissful feeling of my girlfriend's fingers toying with my hair.
"Wake up, sweetheart." Alice called gently. "Let's go to bed." I peeled my eyes open. I looked around confused, realizing I'd fallen asleep. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. "Hey, sleepyhead." Alice smiled softly. I looked around seeing Bella was gone and Emmett snoring lightly on the couch. I got up and brushed my teeth getting ready for bed. I placed a blanket over Emmett, so he wouldn't get cold because he wouldn't resurface until morning.
I sat down on the bed and stole a rare look at Alice when she changed into a cami and silk shorts. Her skin looked so soft and smooth. I crawled into bed and Alice curled to her side "Night baby. I love you," she muttered and yawned.
"Promise?"
"Promise," she whispered and turned to her side with her back to me.
"Goodnight." I answered, suddenly feeling wide awake. Surreptitiously, I followed Alice's breathing calming and deepening. I knew exactly how she sounded when she was in deep sleep. I had spent an endless amount of nights just listening and counting her breaths when she was unconscious. I moved a little closer to her. We didn't touch when we slept, but we stayed at each side of the bed like an old married couple.
She rolled to her back after a while and her lips parted. Her hair splayed over her pillow in soft curly chunks. She was so beautiful. I pulled the cover slowly down to her waist. The deep purple of the silk was a pretty color against her pale skin. I touched the strap of her top, skimming my fingers over her collarbone. Her skin was as smooth as the fabric. I felt the same warmth inside of me by looking at her now as I did in the kitchen when I kissed her earlier today. I brushed my fingers down her torso to the hem of her top. It was riding slightly up her midriff exposing parts of her belly. I placed my palm on her soft stomach, being surprised that I felt hotter inside. My blood was rising, beckoning for something. I bit the inside of my cheek and very carefully slipped my hand under the fabric. I gasped feeling the velvety texture of her body. She was so amazing. She stirred slightly and hummed, but didn't wake up. With a hammering heart, I dared to run my hand over her breast, setting my hand at her side, feeling her breath come and go. Why was I suddenly having this burning sensation in my body?
"I love you," I whispered. She didn't respond or wake. I snuck closer, letting my body meet hers and snuggled into the crook of her neck. I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent, feeling suddenly safe and hopeful. It was overwhelming.
oooooOOOOooooo
Peter smiled as we sat down. "Anything specific you want to talk about today?"
I hesitated for a brief moment. "How am I doing so far?"
"Better than what can be expected in my opinion," he answered kindly. "How do you feel?"
"Better. I enjoy doing different stuff now. I remember my days now or conversations that I have had. Yesterday, I played with Elizabeth for an hour and hung out with my family. It was nice. Elizabeth laughed and was so carefree. I was jealous." I smiled a little at the memory of her sparkling green eyes and her chubby dimpling cheeks.
"How old is Elizabeth now?"
"Thirteen months. She sort of started to walk or more wobbling around holding on to the furniture." I laughed.
"So she's a handful?"
I shrugged. "Not really, just exploring the world around her. Though, she does get into everything. I like to be around her because her world is so uncomplicated."
"An adult life is never uncomplicated, Jasper. There will always be a lot of emotions thrown into one mix and normally we can sort them all out on our own, but when you were attacked all your emotions were short-circuited. Everything inside of you went haywire. For a while, you haven't been wired like you once were. Give yourself a chance to figure your emotions again. Give yourself a little space to recognize how you feel. You need to learn how to distinguish between different emotions again. You sort of need to get your wiring back on track. Does that make any sense to you?"
I nodded. "A lot, actually." I paused. Perhaps that was often why I was so confused, especially about how I had felt last night being close to Alice.
"Jasper, you have come a long way. You have begun to accept what happened to you and you have started to put it behind you by now. For you to come back from your depression with such force is impressive. I think you can thank yourself for that. You have a drive and a thirst for life again and you are working very hard to get that back. You should be proud of yourself. Don't doubt it."
"Thanks, Peter." I smiled feeling a little overwhelmed by his praise.
"I can see you have something else on your mind?" His eyes were kindly on me. He knew me well by now.
I nodded unsure how to approach the subject, but after Peter's words it was suddenly blinking like neon in my head. "I want my life back, Peter. I want all of it."
"Then go out there and get it, Jasper. You are the only one who can do that."
oooooOOOOooooo
I hope to see a comment or two below. Thanks for reading.
Next chapter will probably be the last… at least I think so. It should be posted next Friday or Monday at the latest.
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