AN - Contains Bec's OC Matt Vaughn :):)

Chapter 16: Cry Until It's All Gone

Katie drifted her way through much of Bonnie's funeral.

Acadia was still too fragile to leave the hospital, considering the crisp winter air outside; the doctors didn't want her out in it, which Katie understood. In some ways it worried her; she wanted Acadia to have a memory of her mother... but she was barely a week old; she wouldn't remember any of this. Katie, on the other hand, would remember everything.

One thing Katie was shocked by was the amount of people who came out to support her at the funeral. She expected Olivia, Elliot and Matt, even Matt's younger sister, Jordan, wasn't a surprise. Munch and Finn were, as was Captain Cragen, and George Wong, even Casey Novak, who Katie didn't have a lot of dealings with normally, but who had taken on Marcus's case to make sure he got everything that was coming to him. To see her dressed in a smart, form fitting black pantsuit made Katie double take.

Alexis was there, of course, at Katie's side the whole time. She'd curled her sun kissed blonde hair for the event, letting it cascade down her slim shoulders. Alexis normally had a natural smile to her face, even when she was upset, but today she was as glum as Katie had ever seen her; not that that made her lose focus. She was taking on the duties of thanking people for coming, answering questions, diverting them away from Katie so she didn't have to deal with anything.

It was a simple funeral. Paget sat beside Katie on her left - Alexis on the right - as they both farewelled their daughter and sister respectively. Despite her ailing health, Paget ignored all of her doctors to make the trip to Manhattan with her main home-nurse, Rachel. Paget wanted to see Acadia, of course, and had to endure the moment of pure joy at meeting the infant followed by burying her youngest daughter. Paget's hair had been greying steadily since the murder of her husband more than two decades before, and now as she watched a second member of her family buried because of the hands of another; the remaining auburn strands of hair seemed to grey on site.

Katie rose to speak when the priest asked for eulogies; but didn't have much to say. She didn't know what to say; she hadn't prepared anything because every time she tried to write her feelings down it just came out sounding stupid. In the end, she just made mention of the brutal way her sister was taken from the world, and the beauty of the daughter she left behind. She would miss her; always, and love her forever; almost echoing the words etched on Bonnie's gravestone.

After the ceremony, Paget began coughing in the winter air, her pneumonia flaring up again, and despite her protests, Rachel forced her into her car to drive her to hospital. She would be fine; she always was, hospital visits were common for Paget, hence why she had around the clock care at her home; but coming to Manhattan on such short notice had meant she couldn't be as prepared as she and Rachel would have liked.

Katie was glued to her seat as the line of mourners passed Bonnie's coffin, lying single white roses down on top of it; beside a family photo of Paget, her daughters and her late husband, Henry, before tragedy started befalling their lives; and another photo taken mere months before, between Bonnie's attacks from Marcus; when she was living with her sister; happy, pregnant, glowing... peaceful.

Katie waited until everyone else was gone before she stood up and took her rose to that photo of herself and Bonnie. She apologized again, telling her how beautiful her daughter was, and how she would grow up knowing what a strong woman her mother was, how her death was a final act of sacrifice to save her child's life.

Tearfully, Katie knelt down and pressed her lips against the coffin, whispering a final goodbye to her sister. "I love you." She added; glancing at the headstone once more before she tore her eyes from its sorrowful, granite words.

Bonnie Jacquelyn Summers
1979-2004
"She lifted my heart."
Mother to Acadia
Sister of Katie
Daughter of Paget & Henry
She will find comfort in the next life; if not in this one.

xxx

Katie arrived home, her head a blur. She wanted to go straight to the hospital to check on her mother and Acadia; but Alexis and Matt forced her into his car and drove her home; telling her she needed to sleep. She'd lost sight of Elliot after the funeral, but Olivia had had to take off quickly with a sudden case that had been called in, so she assumed Elliot was with her.

Jordan tagged along with her older brother, carrying the flowers and letters that had been left for Katie at the front desk of her apartment. She trailed behind Katie, who was bring walked to her door with Matt holding one arm and Alexis gripping the other.

Once inside the apartment, Jordan took her armfuls of gifts to the kitchen, while Alexis followed to make coffee, and Matt led Katie to her bedroom to lie down.

"I want to see Acadia, she'll be scared if I'm not there," Katie mumbled as she slumped onto her bed.

"You need to sleep." Matt said firmly, pulling back her quilt and pushing down her shoulders.

"How can I sleep?" Katie murmured. "Acadia can't sleep; she has no mother... she has no father... she's just a baby in a bed in a hospital full of babies in beds."

"She has you."

Katie chuckled humourlessly into her pillow. "Yes, me. She has me, a wailing Aunt with a desk job who slept with a married man. What a role model I am for her..."

Matt just sighed. "I'm not going to sit here and comfort you, Katie, and tell you how wrong you are, how harsh you are on yourself... there's no point. You know all that. You're wallowing. You lost your baby sister, and I can only imagine how awful that is for you... but you don't have a choice here. You have to keep going, for Acadia, for yourself... for Bonnie. You have to. And it's not fair that it falls on you, it's not fair that you're alone, but it's your life. You have to play the hand your dealt – don't roll your eyes – and get on with it." He leant over; kissed her forehead, and retreated to the kitchen.

Katie pretended to sleep when Alexis came to check on her, controlled her breathing when Matt and Jordan said goodbye so they wouldn't disturb her, and waiting ten minutes after she heard the front door close before she dared get to her feet again.

She had to get out of this god-awful black dress. Quickly showering to remove the tear-stained makeup from her face, Katie absent-mindedly got ready again in a pair of dark denim jeans, a faded NYU t-shirt she'd bought at a souvenir shop, and grabbed her thickest trench coat. Too tired and distracted to drive, Katie had her door man hail her a cab and soon she was walking through the entrance to the hospital.

Not sure whether to be happy or saddened that she knew the way to paediatrics without once having to stop and check, Katie was suddenly desperate to hold Acadia. That bond to her sister, she needed to feel it, especially today of all days. But when she got to the nursery, Acadia wasn't in her crib.

She was asleep in Elliot's arms, as he gently rocked her back and forth in the chair in the corner of the room.

Katie hovered by the door, not wanting to disturb her, or any of the other dozing infants nearby, and just watched Elliot, experienced father, comfort her niece. She thought of what Matt said to her before he left, about being alone in all of this... maybe he was wrong.

xxx