Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the plot
This is/was actually an OUTTAKE to my other Fan Fiction story Starting Over that revolves around Edward and Bella, but it took on a life of its own and is now an individual story. I am posting it as a separate, but parallel story to Starting Over. You can read one without having read the other.
First of all I want to give a MAJOR shout out to my beta and her highly appreciated and detailed comments on this story. DAZZLED EYES22 - This story wouldn't be the same without you.
A/N:
I know I kept threatening that this would be the last chapter… but to a select few this may please you. I will follow up with an epilogue when I have that put together. So for now the final chapter, please enjoy.
oooooOOOOooooo
After Year One and a Half…
After kissing Alice a few nights ago in the kitchen, I was awakened again, but in a whole different way, one that I wasn't prepared for. It took me a few days to realize what was happening, but now I understood. It was frustrating as hell, because I had to clue how to go about the whole thing. I watched her secretly at night. Whenever she changed her clothes, I had my eyes glued to her body. She was less flamboyant now and more considerate about showing off her body. I figured it was because of me. I wished it was like old days when she would scamper about in nothing but her underwear or even naked.
My current problem was intimacy. I wanted it, I longed for it, but reaching out and grasping it was a terrifying obstacle. For a while, I had settled for watching her or touching her in secret when she slept. It was creepy as hell, but it was the only way that I could manage it. The wheels were working furiously in my head on how to approach her about perhaps making love again.
I did have the courage on occasion to kiss her and she always reciprocated. It felt incredible.
"I have an idea, Jasper," Alice said gently, running her pink tongue over her front teeth. I stared mesmerized at her, while warmth unfurled in my stomach. I was done with my shower and drying my hair. Alice sat on the bed.
"What's that?" I asked and dumped the towel on a chair. I grabbed my brush, yanking at the knots in my hair.
"It's Saturday. I was thinking maybe we could take a walk and perhaps pass by the bar for a quick drink," she asked carefully, while evaluating my reaction.
My mouth fell open and I instantly felt a tremor of panic run over my skin. The thought of all the people, the noise, alcohol, and the exposure had me thrown for a moment. My throat tightened and it became harder to breathe. My thoughts wandered to Peter and our last conversation.
"I want my life back, Peter. I want all of it."
"Then go out there and get it, Jasper. You are the only one who can do that."
His words rang loud in my head. None one was going to claim my life back, but me. Alice's eyes rested on me, unwavering. "I could try," I mouthed carefully. I took a few deliberate breaths feeling a fraction calmer.
Alice's brows shot up. "Really?"
I nodded in response and bit the inside of my cheek. I pushed my immediate fear back and willed myself to focus on getting ready instead. I blow-dried and straightened my hair a bit and put it into a long ponytail. I applied a bit of make-up with slightly shaky hands. I crammed myself into a pair of skinny jeans that I hadn't worn in like forever, feeling how tight they were around my thighs. I ransacked the closet for some kind of top to wear. I had nothing.
"It doesn't matter what you put on, just wear a t-shirt," Alice offered. She was all done, looking cute and adorable in her short dress and brightly colored leggings. I felt a little out of sorts, because all I wore now were yoga pants and running shoes. I needed new clothes, especially since I was going back to work Monday, a week from now. I pulled out a black long sleeved tee and a top to wear underneath. I was comfortable in that.
oooooOOOOooooo
"Holy shit! I must be seeing things. Wow, Jasper! I am so happy to see you," Nettie gushed exuberantly when I walked through the door to the bar behind Alice. My hand was firmly in hers. She had promised not to let go. I was still battling the anxiety of being out in public.
"Hi," I breathed, uncertain of when we closed in. Feeling somewhat restrained, I accepted the hug from Nettie. I was surprised when it actually felt nice to receive her simple gesture. Behind Nettie, Maria was gawking at me.
"I have no words what to say, but I think you know how I feel," Maria said and looked almost teary eyed. When the hell did she get so soft? "It is so great to see you," she said warmly, but didn't try to hug me. I smiled gratefully, not knowing how to respond. I hadn't expected a welcoming like this. It was touching. I glanced at Alice who beamed innocently at me. I expected it wasn't a coincidence both Maria and Nettie were here.
Alice chose a booth for us to sit in. In the past, we normally always stayed at the bar, but that was the busiest place and this was much more to my taste right now. Slowly, I was able to relax a little and join the conversation. I even laughed. Alice kept her promise and held my hand for the first hour. After a while, I felt confident enough to let go and visit the bathroom for a moment.
"So sorry I'm late, guys." A high-pitched female voice sounded. Maria's face lit up as she greeted the newcomer with a kiss. "Hi," she mused and turned to Alice and me. "I'm Lucy. Scoot your ass over," she said to Maria. She was like a whirlwind rushing through the bar – all fresh and happy.
"Seems like I missed quite a bit," I said carefully and smiled at Maria, then eyed her new girlfriend, or perhaps she wasn't new at all. I wouldn't know.
"That you did," she agreed and lifted her glass a toast. "Glad you're back, though. It's really is good to see you. And you look amazing, by the way."
"Oh, did you go somewhere?" Lucy turned attentively to me, expecting an answer.
"Yeah, I did. Nowhere exciting though," I defused immediately. I looked at Alice for a short moment, wondering why she was so quiet. She just sat still and smiled happily at me. I locked my fingers into hers over my thigh. The conversation flowed after that, but the bar started filling and getting crowded. The night was peeking and so was my anxiety with all the guests.
"We should go," Alice said not long after that, reading me perfectly. I nodded gratefully. Just as we were about to leave Alice's hand tightened around mine viciously. Her entire body tensed and anger rolled down her back. She was never one for obvious detest, but when I looked down at the horde of people, I noticed the problem. Leah walked in. Since that day with the photos, Alice abhorred Leah with a vengeance. For a fraction of a second, I wondered if Alice would get physical or start a bar brawl.
Leah spotted us immediately. "Let's just go, Alice," I said, hoping to defuse her rage.
"Yeah, I suddenly lost my appetite… thirst… whatever," she hissed under her breath.
"Looks like we're about to have a show," Maria drawled from the table. I turned to her and rolled my eyes. I really didn't need this. It had been so much fun to be out with friends. I didn't want it ruined.
"You look well." Leah smirked at me in a passing, while ignoring Alice completely. That irritated me.
Alice almost growled at her. "No thanks to you," she hissed. Leah smiled coldly, looking quite smug.
"Let me handle this," I whispered wanting to settle this once and for all. It had been going on for more than a year and a half now. I raised my voice, finding the same strength that I tapped into while running. "Leah, I meant to thank you for sending those pictures. Without your interference, I would never have realized what it means to truly love someone and be loved in return. Alice and I are stronger than ever. You did us a big favor. Thanks!" I said too sweetly. Just to rub salt in Leah's wounded ego, I kissed my girlfriend.
"Fuck you, Jasper!" Leah spat tartly.
"You wish!" Alice and I incidentally threw back at the same time. The people at the table roared with laughter. I took the last swig of my soda, while finishing up to go. It really did feel great to be out for a little while, even though my anxiety was hardly tamed right now, especially with Leah here.
"Uhm, Maria. That invitation you got for our wedding, make that a plus one. It was nice to meet you, Lucy," I said and locked my hand into Alice's familiar fingers. Lucy was outgoing and funny, just the kind of person with the ability to entertain a crowd with her unsubtle humor. She was very likeable.
At home, I snuggled into the sheets giving into my fears and trembled. I was overwhelmed and shocked that we actually went out. "You were so strong, sweetheart," Alice breathed, running her fingers through my hair to soothe me. She always did that now when I was pushed out of my element.
"Please just hold me," I requested shakily. I wrapped my hands around her waist and rested my hand on her chest. I didn't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have Alice to comfort me when things got to be too much. It took a little while, but Alice's gentle fingers running through my hair and the quiet rise and fall of her chest every time she took a breath managed to lull me into a deep sleep.
I was pulled back and forth between erotic dreams. At first, it was just faceless people all washed into a blur of warmth, but slowly the grainy texture of my images smoothed and the face was only one person - Alice. Her face, her mouth, and her eyes were my focus. I distinctively remembered the sloppy dark ponytail that I gave her the first time we made love. Our mouths connected and the unique alluring scent of female flesh lingered on her lips. Her body was warm, her face was flushed, and her eyes were alight with lust and victory…
I drew a deep breath and opened my eyes. In a split second, I was jolted back to present time. I glanced beside me where Alice had her back to me with her head resting in her hand. Her hair was chaotic and heavy chunks of tresses were splayed over her pillow. Not in the ponytail I had just seen in… my dream. I closed my eyes for a moment and remembered what I had been dreaming about. I smiled gently feeling a tinge of resolve running through me. My skin was heated and sensitive and I had a strange ache between my legs. I remembered that twinge and squirmed my legs together searching for friction to dull it. It didn't help, but only made it worse.
I glanced at the fluid skin between Alice's shoulder blades. Perhaps, I could do this. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I tried to make a pass at her. I chewed the inside of my cheek and rolled up behind her. "What are you reading?" I asked her softly when I noticed the book. I let my fingers graze her skin, pulling her hair behind her shoulder. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the gentle pressure of my mouth against the crook of her neck. The smell of her was intoxicating. I was sure that I could do this. Latent parts of my body were waking to attention now.
"Helmut Lang," she murmured and turned the page. I heard her sigh softly. I crept closer to her and let my fingers brush down her arm. I was glad to feel a small amount of my skin pressed against her. I had grown comfortable enough to sleep in a regular t-shirt and pajama pants. I didn't hide under tons of fabric anymore. I kissed her shoulder once more and closed her book. "That's actually rude," she muttered, admonishing me. I couldn't hide my smile.
"I would like to think that I would be more interesting in bed than Helmut," I mused close to her ear. "There is something that I would like to talk to you about," I said carefully after a moment. Alice rolled to her back and locked eyes with me.
"What's on your mind, sweetheart?"
I hesitated when I couldn't find the right words. How the hell was I suppose to articulate something like this? Was I just supposed to blurt out that I was feeling a bit needy? I kept playing the pads of my fingers over her lips for a long time. I leaned down and put my mouth to hers. It took a moment before I was brave enough to let my tongue invade her mouth. Alice was careful and soft, when our tongues slowly started dancing. She let me control the kiss. I pulled back, warily gazing down at her. "That was nice," she breathed.
"I miss you, baby," I murmured, finding a few words to express my feelings.
"Me too."
"Do you miss making love?" I asked quietly. I felt so vulnerable stepping into this minefield. I was nervous as hell and it was the first time the subject was brought up in a long time. She ran her tongue over her teeth a few times before she answered.
"I do," she answered tentatively, but honestly. I leaned down for another kiss. This time I added more depth and our tongues mingled, while caressing and swirling. The taste of her mouth was as sweet as ever. The ache in the pit of my stomach intensified, begging for something. I pulled back and peered down at her loving eyes. "Will you tell me what this is about?" she asked. I raked my teeth over my bottom lip hard, knowing I had to push through my own discomfort and throw how I was feeling out into the open.
"I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I want to try, Alice. I want us to try to make love again. If you want to, that is." I held my breath, while trying to control my blossoming anxiety. What if she didn't want to ever again? What if the passion between us died the day I was attacked and it wasn't just gone for a while?
"Are you ready for that?" she reached up and stroked my face. I didn't flinch at all, only leaned into her hand.
"I'm not sure, but I can't really figure it out until we try." I hesitated. "I want you again, Alice." I moved my hand down and started stroking her stomach while kissing her again, making an honest and careful pass at her.
"I love you so much, Jasper," she whispered into mouth. "We can try, but let's take it really, really slow, okay?"
I pulled back a little. "Okay," I whispered. We nestled into each other's arms and let the kiss slowly build. Kissing Alice now and feeling her body leaning against mine caused warmth to spread through me intensely. I savored the feeling of her skin underneath my hands. I pushed her top up, while exposing more and more of her skin. I played my fingers over her breasts, just touching her. She spread her legs a little and let my hip grind into her crotch. Her breath grew deeper and the long lost, but yet so familiar sound of her moans filled the room.
Her fingers were splayed firmly into my hair and holding my mouth to hers as her kiss grew more wanting. At least, that was what it felt like. She parted her legs wider, while grinding against me. Had it always been this easy to get a mood going between us? I thought so, but I wasn't sure.
I forced her top over her head letting the mood control me. Pulling my mouth from hers, I let my lips slip down the column of her throat continuing further south. Our fingers linked together. Alice pushed her chest towards my face when I ran my tongue between her breasts. The blood was whooshing strongly through my veins, making my pulse hammer in my temples. I listened to her exaggerated breath and moans, as I teased the hardened tip of her breast with my mouth.
I unlocked our hands. Her palms drew under my shirt, while playing over the skin on my back carefully. I trailed my fingers down her side. Locking my fingers into her silk shorts and panties. Her panting was suddenly so loud that it drowned out everything else, even the words she was saying. Her loud groan suddenly sounded threatening, instead of her usual soft moans.
"No, baby," she refused. Her hand covered mine the same time that I looked up at her confused. I froze and registered what she was actually saying. I focused on her face when fear jolted through my body without limitations. I coiled backwards on the bed needing her hands off my skin.
I sat at the foot of the bed staring confused at Alice. Her breathing was slightly ragged as she evaluated me in with a strange frown on her face. I realized that it wasn't her who was breathing so loud. It was me. My skin prickled with fear. Alice had said no. It dawned on me that I wasn't worthy. She didn't want me! I truly knew I was damaged and didn't deserve to feel this bond with her.
"Jasper slow down," she said carefully and reached for my hand. 'Slow down? Slow down… what? I didn't understand. I held my palms up in front of me warding her off, needing her to leave me alone. She didn't want to be intimate. She didn't want this lustful passion between us. My insides were completely disheveled. I couldn't figure out what the hell just happened. First, she says yes, then she says no?
Slowly through a haze of memories, I realized that I was insanely aroused, but how could anyone want me? I was ruined. Alice knew that too. I was unworthy and ridiculous thinking there was even a possibility for us to be intimate again. I was so stupid thinking I was desirable after what he did to me.
Panic started etching my skin and I needed to do something to deal with the piercing attack of pain. "Talk to me, Jasper," Alice mouthed while her eyes were darkening with sadness.
"There is nothing to say."
"Don't shut me out," Alice begged.
I rushed off the bed and quickly scoured through the closet for a pair of track pants, a bra, shirts and socks. "Just leave it alone, Alice." I refused harshly when I realized I couldn't deal with her right now. I needed the pain to go away before I could handle anything else. Quickly, I changed out of my nightwear and threw on my running gear.
"Please, Jasper. It doesn't mean anything."
I whirled around to face her, resenting her for throwing such a big fat lie at me, because what just happened meant everything. I wasn't worthy nor did she want me. Those where the facts! "Just shut the fuck up, Alice!" I spat at her. The last thing that I saw before I slammed the door behind me was Alice's gaping and hurt face.
Outside, I turned on my iPod and turned the volume far up. I didn't bother to take it slow warming up, but idiotically forced my body into a full on sprint. I hated Alice couldn't just be honest with me and tell me she didn't want to try after all. How could she be so deceitful by telling me she wanted to make love when in reality, she didn't? We normally never lied to each other, so why did she do that today? I didn't understand.
I needed to kill the pain suffocating me. If I hadn't found a refuge in running, I knew exactly what I would be doing right now. I would be sitting in the bathroom with a razorblade in my hand letting the sharp edge lick my skin continually.
I ran as fast as I could, while letting the dull burn that I controlled consume my lungs. I just ran without rhyme or reason and the streets whirled past me in a dense blur of the dawn. Passing the limit to how much my body could tolerate, I began to taste the bile at the back of my tongue, but I just kept on going. I barely had time to duck behind a tree in Central Park before my stomach spilled its contents onto the ground. The taste was foul and bitter because I had nothing in my body to expel. I hadn't had breakfast, so it was just a disgusting stomach acid that I got rid of. I braced myself against my knees and my mind suddenly started to clear. What the hell was I doing?
I ran through the morning's gritty event seeing with a new clarity that I was the one that had pushed. It was me that caused the panic, not Alice. I thought I needed to convince her that I could be intimate again, when it was really me that I was trying to persuade. Perhaps, it was just like she said that we should take it slow and not rush. Maybe she didn't lie about wanting me. How could I expect her to jump into bed with me the first time I offered? Holy fuck, I was the one messing things up. The sharp pain seemed to dull a little after realizing my mistake.
I was panting heavily, when I checked the time. I had been gone for little over an hour and the run back would take me a while. We were supposed to spend the day together, because she was going to L.A. tonight. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I turned around and started at a more sensible pace to run home.
The acid in my muscles made my legs feel like lead when I took the stairs two at the time. I took a deep breath before I opened the door to our apartment.
"Alice?" I called as soon as I was inside. I stepped out of my shoes and waited for her to call back. She didn't. I looked up and she stood at the door, looking at me with extremely worried and devastated eyes. She had been crying that was easy to tell.
"Where've you been? You've been gone for almost three hours and I had no way of getting in contact with you," she said forebodingly quietly. Her arms were locked tight over her chest.
"I'm sorry," I answered confused to why she seems so upset. I wasn't prepared for that.
Tears started to run wildly down her cheeks. "I freaking thought you went and did something really stupid!" She whispered fiercely. Angrily, she brushed the tears from her face. "God, Jasper." I gaped at her. "Don't look at me like that. I almost called the police and told them you were a suicide risk, for God's sake," she spat at me.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't think," I mouthed, immediately mortified with my own stupidity. I had run out on her after yelling at her in a full on panic attack and not for one moment wondering how she would see that.
"No! You didn't!" She dumped her head in her hands and really started sobbing. I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her. I hated seeing her crying over me. She clutched her arms around me desperately, burrowing her face into the crook of my neck. "Don't ever do that to me again. I can't lose you," she sobbed.
"I'm so sorry, Alice." I whispered. I knew I had things to apologize for when I got home, but certainly not this. I didn't realize the impact that I had on the world around me. I never expected in a million years that Alice would react this intensely. "I love you," I said quietly and stroked her hair, like she always did mine when I was upset. "Alice, I haven't thought like that for a long time. I won't harm myself like that. I promise," I said quietly, needing to console her. I pulled back and pressed my lips gently to hers. They were so soft.
She snorted and nodded wiping her face clean of tears. "You're sweating like a pig." She giggled through the mess of it all. "Take a shower and I'll make us something to eat."
"I need to know something." I asked over the brunch Alice had thrown together. "I'm a little confused about something, so I need a straight answer."
"Okay."
"Do you really want to… uh, to… make love?" I breathed the last words and stared down and my half-finished plate. It would have been easier to ignore the question, but I didn't want to take the coward way out of this and pretend there wasn't this big pink elephant marching through my mind.
Her bright blue eyes evaluated me for a long intense moment. "Just because I said 'no' this morning, it had nothing to do with the fact if I want to or not. Jasper, you went at me out of nowhere and a year ago that would have been fine, but we just can't do that now. You didn't take it slow and you pushed yourself too hard!"
"I know. I panicked," I shrugged.
"I know you did. I kind of expected that you would. I just didn't expect you to run off and scare the shit out of me," she smiled, but her eyes were still sad.
"The next time that I panic, I'll bring my phone." I tried to defuse our tension. It worked and Alice laughed gently. "You didn't answer my question though." I chewed the inside of my cheek waiting anxiously.
She leaned her head to one side and smiled warmly. "Do you really have to ask?" She reached her hand across the table, intertwining our fingers. "When we're both ready, it will happen. I'm honestly looking forward to it. Just don't feel like you need to rush anything for my sake. You have nothing to prove to me. You already got me and I'm not going anywhere." Her thumb ran repeatedly over the back of my hand. "All good things come to those who wait," she smirked.
I dug into my food feeling resolved and comforted by her the way that I always did. I just needed to wrap my head around the prospect of intimacy on the horizon, though I should have listened to Alice this morning. Finished, I placed the fork at the side of the plate. "Where is Bella?"
"At the book store with Emmett. We could walk down there and give her a hand?" Alice offered. "I don't have to be at the airport until five."
"Sure."
The bookstore had changed so much since Bella bought it. The old dusty and moth-eaten smell was gone and so was dusky lightening. The place had been opened up and was bright and inviting now. Bella had put in a cafe corner with sandwiches, coffee and treats for anyone who wanted to sit and read for a while. The place was flourishing, turning out to be a bit of a student hangout.
I picked up Elizabeth, who was wobbling around between the bookshelves, leaving a trail of destruction behind her. Not far away, Emmett was busy chatting up a blonde and throwing his charming dimples at her. She slipped him her phone number. I knew it was a done deal for him. I picked up Elizabeth and settled her on my hip. I nuzzled her soft cheek and she squealed with delight. She was such a happy baby.
"I suspect you're supposed to be watching her?" I mocked snidely when Emmett saw me.
"Oh, fucking shit," he mouthed and glanced behind me where the books were scattered all over the floor.
"Watch your mouth around delicate baby ears, Emmett." I admonished.
Elizabeth reached for Emmett and settled comfortably in his arms with her bronze curls bouncing around her head. "Want Uncle Emmett to help you clean up your mess, baby Bells?" I watched as he crouched down and started picking up books and rearranging them on the shelves with Elizabeth hanging all over him.
We spent most of the day helping out Bella. I enjoyed watching her glide through the place she now owned. This was her sanctuary. This was her place in the world and she was proud of it and with every right.
oooooOOOOooooo
"I don't have to go," Alice muttered discontent. I zipped her suitcase closed.
"Yes, you do," I answered pointedly. "I know you worry about me, but please don't, there is no need. Bella and I have plans." I threw in and basically lied.
Her brows shot up, intrigued. "Without me, I'm offended," she pouted theatrically and narrowed her eyes at Bella standing in the doorway to our room with Elizabeth on her arm. Her chubby little hands were toying with Bella's hair.
I yanked the suitcase off the bed and leaned over her. "No, you're not. Now get your ass in the cab and go to L.A. and show them how it's done."
A pleasant day with the people I loved had been exactly what I needed. Learning to be playful again was also entertaining. It alleviated this morning's somber mood and helped to distract me. "Fine," she growled, stood up and leaned into the crook of my neck. "I'll miss you," she murmured.
"Me too, baby. Go!" I kissed her a few times. The idea of spending five days away from her didn't calm me at all, but I wasn't going to mope about it because it was a good chance for her. Potential clients, explicit requests for dresses and the prospect of having stores carry her clothing were on the table. Alice just needed to seal the deal, showing her pretty face.
oooooOOOOooooo
That night I stared at myself in the mirror. Slowly, I flipped my shirt over my head and removed my bra. I pushed my yoga pants down and just stood staring at myself wearing only panties. Usually I avoided the mirror and didn't look at myself, but today I forced myself to do that. After my panic attack this morning, I figured that I needed to be okay with my body and myself before I could be able to give it to Alice. If I had no respect for my own physique then how could I expect to be comfortable letting Alice touch me?
My body was so much stronger now, actually looking healthy. My legs were firm and athletic. My stomach was toned and less soft and my chest was feminine once more. There was no hint that I was at death's door six months ago and so deprived of life. The way I looked now it was hard to believe the all-consuming vortex that almost swallowed me up and left me for dead. The only evidence was the scars littered over my body. I had so many of them. My stomach and back from when I was a child and my thighs and arm from my depression.
As I looked at myself, I realized perhaps it wasn't so bad for Alice to want or touch me. Though, the parts of my body that were exposed right now weren't the major issue. Carefully, I peeked down into my panties, realizing down there was the major issue. What would I do when she really wanted to touch me or use her mouth on me? That was terrifying to think about. Perhaps that would be the same for the naked parts of my body that I was staring at now. For me to give this to Alice, I needed to give it to myself. I personally needed to heal before Alice and I ever had a shot of being intimate again.
I chewed the inside of my cheek before I decided to give it a shot. I searched through every corner of Alice's side of the closet until I found what I was looking for. I knew she had one, because I didn't anymore. The bright pink vibrator was staring at me, mocking me. No. No. Not today. I slammed the closet shut. Though I knew that I couldn't do that tonight, I was surprisingly calm. Perhaps tomorrow, I could try again.
Quickly, I pulled my PJ pants on and a shirt. I crawled into bed and snuggled up with Alice's pillow. It smelled like her shampoo when I dug my face into it. I hugged the fluffy cushion and creases of something hard scratched my cheek. From inside the pillowcase I pulled out an envelope.
To the strongest girl in the world, my girl it said on the outside.
Quickly I ripped the envelope open and pulled out a handwritten letter.
My dearest Jasper,
Now that you are hogging my pillow, I wanted to say good night.
You are the strongest person I have ever known and watching you fight as you do makes me proud of you. About this morning, we will get there because I know you want it and I know how hard you have battled to come this far. It is only a small step of step of the way. We will get there… I promise.
Please do a good job and take care of yourself when I am gone. I can't wait to be back home with you and steal my pillow back.
I love you more than I can ever express.
Your Alice
P.S. Now go to sleep.
A simple tear rolled down my cheek and even from afar I felt how much she loved me. I placed the letter under the pillow and turned the lights off.
oooooOOOOooooo
I spent the day with Bella at the bookstore unpacking supplies and helping the new girl work the coffee machine and settle at her job.
After I found the letter last night, it occurred to me that now was a good time to prove to myself that I wasn't as codependent as I sometimes feared I was. I wanted to confirm that I was okay without Alice at my side every minute of the day. Sure, I missed her like crazy, but nothing more than any sane person would miss the girl that they loved. I was still okay and I could function on my own. It was empowering to know I was actually capable to stand on my own two feet for a few days.
I knocked gently on the door to Bella's office. She had her head submerged into a book and probably far away from reality like she usually was when she read.
"Anything you need, Jasper?" she asked kindly.
"Actually there is," I hesitated. I fiddled with the long braid slung over my shoulder. "I was wondering if you'd help me with something."
"Sure thing."
"I booked an appointment with a hairdresser for Thursday. Would you go with me?"
"Of course," Bella answered immediately. She knew my fears and reservations about strangers, but I wanted to do this. Perhaps if Bella came with me, it wouldn't be so bad to let a stranger that close. Besides, I needed the dry and split ends treated. It wasn't attractive at all.
oooooOOOOooooo
I squirmed in the seat at Peter's office. He sat patiently and waited for me to speak. He was very good at reading me. He never let me get away with anything once he caught on to the fact I wanted to say something. No matter how uncomfortable the subject was. So he was now silently calling me out. I had no way to escape having this talk now.
"I er… I tried to be intimate with Alice," I breathed almost inaudible.
"Tried?" He prodded, when I opened the subject.
I nodded. "Only tried, because I panicked."
"What did you do when you panicked?" he asked patiently.
"Yelled at her, blamed her for lying to me, and then went for a run." I started picking at my fingernails furiously. It stung. I stretched my ankle feeling the soreness burn the muscle around the joint from the lack of warming up yesterday.
"After that?" He kept probing, wringing details from me with his uncanny ability to see right through me.
"After realizing that it wasn't Alice's fault that I panicked, but my own insecurities, I apologized to her. I think I need to fix me, accept myself before I can completely let it all go and jump off that cliff with my girlfriend. So last night, I basically stared at my own body for half the evening." I bit down on my lip nervous at Peter's judgment. He probably wouldn't like my hair-brained attempt to fix what was broken.
He was silent as seconds just kept ticking by, making me uncomfortable. "Well done, Jasper," he praised suddenly looking at me earnestly. I just gaped. "I can see that you don't grasp the depth of your progress. It is very impressive that you are taking responsibility for your actions, for yourself and for what happened with Alice. You handled your fears in a healthy manner, instead of resolving to cutting, starving yourself, closing out Alice or slipping back into darkness where you used to hide. Instead, you resolved to manage a stressful situation with a run. You chose your weapon well." He smiled. "At the same time, you recognize what you need to cross the hurdle where you panicked and figured out a clever way to climb the fence to get all aspects of your life back. You basically figured out a way to heal yourself without my help. That is really good work. Keep doing what you are doing." I closed my mouth pondering his words, but it was a little hard to take in his gracious compliments. "I suggest we start meeting once every other week and see how that works out for you. I am not sure you need to see me once a week anymore."
"I could try to make do with that." I shrugged, feeling like the holes in my safety net were expanding. I feared I was going to fall through them.
That night, the repertoire was the same as the night before. Peter had complimented me on the progress and my method of dealing with my own fear, so it was pretty easy to repeat that. I stared at my almost naked body in the mirror and slammed the closet shut when I still didn't dare to touch myself. Today, it was a little easier to deal with than yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow, I would manage to take the leap and get it over with. I wanted to try at least.
Wednesday it was the same – Almost. I stared hypnotized at my body and dared to run my fingers over my own breast and feel the curve of my waist. I was okay and didn't burst into flames. I even dared getting the vibrator out, but I put it back without attempting anything. However, it was a step forward and I didn't slam the closet door today.
Thursday, Bella came with me to the salon. My feet were electric anticipating my reaction. I was jumping up and down. I didn't want to say anything to the girl running her fingers through my hair and looking at the spilt ends with a discontent face. My overly long hair she was holding in her hands was probably blasphemy in her world.
"How long has it been since you cut it?" she asked trying to hide her mortification. Her hair was shiny and styled to perfection.
"Almost a year and a half." I answered almost guiltily, like I had forgotten to hand in an essay in sixth grade and was now being scolded by my very strict teacher. Beside me, Bella tried to hide her grin.
"Well…" the assistant sighed almost defeated. "Please tell me you want more than the ends cut off, because I need to take off at least a few inches."
"I was thinking more like ten or twelve inches actually." That would leave it to be about shoulder length like I used to have it. Not this long mop of hair that wasn't even flattering. The girl's eyes lit up and she smiled hugely like I just made her freaking day. "You have free reign I just don't want it short."
The girl immediately put the scissors to the long handheld chunk of hair and chopped it off just below my shoulders. Perhaps she was afraid I would change my mind and ruin her day of fun if she didn't move fast enough.
I sat back and controlled my trepidation completely when going through the washing, cutting and drying process. At times, I even forgot Bella was with me. I realized I didn't need her as a safety net. I could do this on my own.
I smiled broadly when checking myself in the mirror when hairdresser declared that she was done. It was just above my shoulders and styled into perfect wavy locks looking shiny and healthy. I looked like a brand new, yet also like old unbroken Jasper. I couldn't wait to show Alice. She never complained, but I figured she wasn't fond of the untamed mane that I had had up until now.
That night, I stood completely naked staring at my reflection. I found I actually liked what I saw. I didn't slam the closet door, but instead crawled into bed with the pink vibrator in my hand. I had a bit of trouble controlling my breathing and fear when touching myself, but I got over it. I really did get over it and was able to relax enough to succeed. The euphoria was astounding, not just because I had gotten myself off, but because I realized I didn't need to be scared. When I could do this with myself, I sure as hell could let Alice closer.
I woke Friday morning knowing Alice was coming home today. My stomach was full of butterflies and I was thrilled to see her again. I missed her like crazy, but I just wanted see her face and smell her hair again. The separation was actually good. Having missed something for a little while made having it again all the better.
Bella had placed the mail on the kitchen table. I stared brokenly at the envelope placed on top. That was going to hurt Alice. I traced my finger over the crossed out letters that were replaced with a return address. I turned the envelope over. At least, it had been opened, but the fact Alice's parents returned the wedding invitation intact was a loud and clear sign that we were still at status quo and they wanted nothing to do with their daughter.
I stayed home and cleaned. I vacuumed, washed the windows, dusted and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. Time just didn't move fast enough. I hadn't been for a run for two days and that last one had been short, so that was my next chosen weapon to kill some time.
I mapped out a course for twenty-two miles, figuring that should take me about four hours. Just enough time to be home before Alice and take a shower. The Marathon was in November and I was making good strides. Twenty-two miles was a bit of a stretch for me, but I was sure I could manage.
With music filling my ears, I set a calm pace to get my muscles warmed up and find a steady rhythm.
I was panting like a racehorse when I finally reached home again. I was exhausted, but still managed the distance. Three hours and fifty-eight minutes. I was on a freaking roll. I rested for a bit before I tackled the stairs and made it all the way up to the apartment. I fished the key out of the tiny pocket at the back of my track pants, only to find the door was unlocked.
"You're home early," I smiled hugely and pulled out the ear buds out when I was in the door. I was still fiercely winded.
"Finally," she beamed and clapped her hands. It looked like Alice had been sitting in the kitchen staring at the clock willing time to move faster. "God, I missed you," she hurled her body into my arms. "Ew, you're sweating," she complained when I felt the moisture from me dripping onto her, but she kept on hugging me intensely.
"I missed you too," I mused between distorted breaths and inhaled the scent of her hair. Perhaps this had been harder on Alice than on me. "Have you been worried about me?" I asked confused.
"No, I just missed you so much," she confessed, still not letting go of me. The separation had definitely been worse on her than it had on me. I pulled back, watching beads of my sweat rolling down her cheek. I leaned forward slowly and started kissing her. She sighed immediately and her tongue slipped into my mouth, loving me. I kissed her back with a new vigor and realization. Alice needed me right now. We kissed passionately for a while, letting our mouths dance and caress. I felt so complete being able to give her something that she needed for once. Perhaps, I could offer her more.
I broke the kiss. "Come with me." I tugged on her hand and pulled her behind me into bathroom. The front of her dress was stained with my perspiration and her fingertips wet from tracing sweat from my neck. Carefully, I slipped the zipper of her dress down and she pulled her arms through the sleeves with inquisitive eyes on my face. I smiled gently and pulled my drenched shirts over my head. I was surprised I felt this calm and resolved. I really could do this. "Have a shower with me?" I ordered gently. I reached behind her and turned the water on.
Her eyes widened shocked, but she nodded and a small warm smile crawled across her mouth. I pulled the hair band out and I laughed when Alice gasped loudly. She reached out and carefully ran her fingers through my hair, smiling. "Love the hair," she whispered and brushed her lips across my mouth. "Missed you," she sighed. "Love you." She managed before I covered her lips with mine. This was strangely intense, but for me it wasn't lust or need. This was just a basic piece of me that I needed to give her. I think it was my love that I was desperate to show her.
"You really want to do this?" she asked carefully, probably expecting another panic attack.
"I do," I answered and unclasped her bra. I smiled relieved when she swiftly ridded herself of her stockings and tiny panties. She slipped under the spray and water soaked her hair and trailed down her body in torrents. She kept her sparkling eyes on me, literally inviting me to follow her. When I did, I was only flooded with excitement and there was no hint of fear in my body.
The water was hot and refreshing. I enjoyed the cubicle being crowded. We kissed a little, but mainly talked a little about her trip and what I had done throughout the week. I told her about her parents' rejection that came for the wedding. She had been prepared for it, but she was still sad about it. I fell silent when Alice made the move and squirted soap into her hands and washed my entire body. Her dainty hands slipped gingerly over every curve of me, touching and caressing me as she went. I still wasn't scared or felt unworthy. No, I felt like I deserved her attention for the first time and I relished it, savored it and I felt strong. Secretly, I wanted more. I wanted her hands to slip between my legs, to touch me and make me feel good, but I didn't push for it. I only dreamed about it. I wanted to take it slow and appreciate it all. Instead, I paid her the attention that she deserved and listened intently when her moans of a climax washed away with the running water. How I loved to hear those sweet sounds from her and feel her body warm and loving against mine when she gave into me completely.
oooooOOOOooooo
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