Strong arms held her against a warm chest, and her eyes fluttered open; she was certain that this was a dream, a very vivid dream, and that any moment she was going to wake up to find that it never happened. As reality sank in, she forced herself to slip from his arms, leaning down to kiss his forehead gently; finding her shirt and panties, she slipped from the room quietly, hoping that she wouldn't wake him. A few minutes later, she was standing in front of the mirror, her fingers grazing the small red mark that Finn had left the night before; tears stung her eyes as she thought about it. She knew she shouldn't have gone to him the night before, but she'd been terrified of the storm; it wasn't that she regretted it, not exactly, but she knew they shouldn't have been intimate when they were no longer together. It was all her fault; she'd acted on impulse because he was there and warm and willing, and it was everything she'd dreamed of for so long. But they weren't together, and as far as she could tell, they were not going to be together again, not the way they were going. The night before had been a mistake, a beautiful mistake, and she couldn't decide whether the tears were because it happened or because it would never happen again.
"What a mess I've gotten myself into now." She whispered to no one in particular.
The sun was bright and streaming through the windows as she dressed, and she stood on the porch of the cabin looking over the smooth surface of the lake. For what seemed hours, she stood there, listening to the light wind and watching the water lap against the shoreline, until her thoughts caught up with her. It had been a long six months, and it had been a bit more difficult than she'd let on to most people. Only Kurt and Mercedes knew how much she'd missed him, how hard it had been for her to see him with Quinn; she'd kept it all to herself, guarding her heart and pretending like she was too strong to be hurt anymore. She'd been determined to remain single and independent, if only to prove to herself and the rest of the world that she didn't need Finn or any other man, which was why, when Jesse strolled back into her life, she'd insisted that they remain only friends. It had worked out fairly well, and she was happy. Well at least until she found out that he'd been a plant from the beginning, sent by her mother to manipulate her into that meeting. Discovering that the premise of her relationship with Jesse had been a lie, even if he claimed to have had genuine feelings, only strengthened her resolve to remain single, though a part of her desperately wanted to fall into Finn's arms and cry for hours. It had hurt worse that in the moment she felt like she needed him the most, he was leaned against his locker, kissing Quinn again. In the time they'd spent apart she'd begun to realize there was a difference between needing someone and becoming dependant on them. Sure she could get by on her own, and she liked to believe she was handling it very well; a part of her, a very large part of her, didn't want to be on her own anymore.
"It's only Friday…" She whispered to the wind, tears rolling down her face.
The smell of strawberries and vanilla and everything that was Rachel Berry enveloped him as he rolled over in bed, but the smile that seemed so permanently etched on his face fell when he found himself in bed alone. Her side of the bed was still warm, and he wondered how long she'd been gone. At first he had this terrible sinking sensation that he had simply dreamed it and that the night before never happened, but he was sure that wasn't the case. At 2 am, Rachel Berry had been in his bed, and they had made love. There was no way that what happened the night before could be classified as simply sex. Fuck Puckerman if he said that it made it him a pansy to think that way. But now she was gone, and he didn't know why; all he knew was that he wanted to put his arms around her and tell her that he loved her and kiss her. He whispered her name, as if that would somehow magically bring her back, and when it didn't he dragged himself from the bed, feeling around blindly for his boxers. He found himself staring into the mirror in the bedroom, a small smile playing across his lips as he recalled vividly the night before and what had happened. The small red mark she'd left on his skin was obvious, and there was no way to hide it.
He wanted to find her and tell her that the night before was like some kind of religious experience he wanted to repeat for the rest of his life; he wanted to tell her that he loved her and that he never wanted to be away from her again. But something in the back of his mind told him that trouble was brewing; the storm may have passed the night before, but there was a new one rising. He needed to talk to her; he'd come this far, and he couldn't lose her again. He yanked a t-shirt over his head and tugged on a pair of shorts; his stomach rumbled, but for once whether or not he was going to eat soon was the farthest thing from his mind. Pausing just long enough to tie his shoes he raced out of the room, hoping that she wasn't already on her way to breakfast. Stepping out onto the porch, he saw her, her back to the cabin, and he could swear that he heard her sniffling. It broke his heart to know that she was crying, and somehow he felt as if it was entirely his fault. He wanted desperately to pull her into his arms and comfort her; he wanted to fix things. But something told him that he'd somehow rebroken her heart, if it had ever really mended.
"Rach?" He whispered her name, reaching out to touch her shoulder, and the way she pulled away stung.
"Don't, Finn. Please don't." Her voice cracked, and she didn't turn around. "I can't… I'm sorry…"
"Rachel… Rachel, please, can we just talk?"
Before he could say another word, the petite brunette was running away, which hurt even more because Rachel Berry never ran away from anything, and Finn was left standing alone; he didn't understand what she meant. Or maybe he did but it made less sense because last they were doing something a whole lot more than talking, and that has to mean something, right?
"He chose me, Manhands, and he will always choose me." The words cut like a knife, bringing tears to her eyes. "He chose me instead of you after what I did to him. He's staying here with me, and you get the broken heart."
"It's not true. It's not over yet." She didn't know why she kept fighting. "I'm not giving up on him. He'll see."
"What he sees is the girl who knew just how to hurt him and used it against him. What he'll keep seeing is the fact that you broke his heart and you did it on purpose." Quinn snapped. "Face it, RuPaul, I win, you lose because it turns out you were just as bad as I was."
"You think what I did to Finn was so terrible? What about what you did to Noah? You led him on, let him get attached to a daughter he was never going to have. You treated him like he was nothing. He was good enough to sneak around with, but he wasn't good enough to be on your arm. He wasn't good enough for you to love. You are so full of yourself, Quinn Fabray. And you are kidding yourself if you think that you are innocent. Sure, I'm terrible for cheating, but at least I came clean. At least I've never made Finn feel like he wasn't good enough for me. At least I've never made him feel like he was someone I'm ashamed of."
"None of that matters, Rachel." The use of her first name threw her, and she stopped to stare. "None of it matters because Finn is on top again, where he belongs, where we belong, and you know what that means. It means that he no longer needs you; he no longer has to settle for you. So the story is: I get Finn and we stay together. You get no one, and you go off to New York. Finn belongs with me, and you don't belong here."
"How can you be such a cold bitch?" Rachel never swore, and the word shocked her just as much as it shocked Quinn; she had to keep going. "How can you be such a horrible person? You are using Finn for that stupid crown. You are using him, and maybe he doesn't even know it yet. You will destroy him, Quinn. You will take everything that makes Finn Hudson who he is, the talent, the hope, the dreams, the life, and you will crush them. But you don't even give a damn. You will destroy him, and for what? Your own security?"
"How dare you talk to me like that? How dare you?" Rachel never flinched, her eyes meeting Quinn's despite the tears that burned them. "Nothing will change the facts, Berry."
"You will destroy Finn Hudson, just so you can be secure and popular." Rachel's words hung in the air, and she turned on her heel, escaping as the tears finally began to pour down her cheeks.
Why even seeing Quinn brought back that memory, Rachel didn't know; after all shortly after Fuinn 2.0 dissolved, Quinn went right back to Puck. Rachel liked to believe that she was responsible for reminding the blonde of her feelings for the boy with the mohawk. Tears stung her eyes without warning, and she quickly turned to leave the restaurant, hoping no one would notice. Kurt spotted her first, and he immediately left the table where he was seated with Mercedes and Quinn; he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug, casting a meaningful glance that Mercedes quickly picked up as the diva distress signal. Soon they were leading her off to some quiet corner of the restaurant, and she can see Quinn staring at her, which makes it all worse. Things were never quite right with the two of them, and Rachel didn't think they ever would be. She fought hard to dry her tears, and when they finally stopped, she was biting her lip hard, knowing that Mercedes and Kurt were going to want to know what was wrong; part of her didn't want them to know because she was so angry at herself.
"Rach…" Mercedes sat next to her, reaching an arm around her to pull her into a hug.
"I'm an idiot." Her voice was quiet, and she stared down at her fingers. "I did something stupid last night."
"Oh, honey, it can't be that bad. After all, what could you have done…" But Rachel was cutting Kurt off, new tears in her eyes.
"I had sex with Finn." The words fell out of her mouth quickly, and her cheeks went pink; her eyes closed slowly as she bit her lip, and she could tell that her friends were staring.
"You did what? Does this mean that you are back together?" Rachel shook her head slowly in response to Kurt's question. "Oh Rachel, honey. What happened?"
"It was storming, you know? And I have that stupid irrational fear of thunderstorms. So I sort of got into bed with him…"
"Diva did what now?" Mercedes tried to keep her voice down, but the shock in her eyes was enough to have Rachel reeling again.
"I was scared, 'Cedes, and he was there." She whispered her next words. "And then it just happened. He was there and so close and I missed him so much. I thought he was asleep, and I was just going to kiss him…"
"Rachel, sweetheart, I love you, but you're crazy." Kurt offered her a small smile. "Little Diva, are you telling me you were trying to take advantage of my sleeping brother?"
"N-no, nothing like that. I just wanted; well I just wanted one last kiss." She shook her head. "I know we can't be together because I know that it'll be just like last year. We were happy all summer, and then school rolled around. I can't do that again."
"Look Rach, I know Finn can be a little dense, but I think he learns from his mistakes." Mercedes held up a hand to prevent her from saying anything. "Don't bring her into this, Rach. You know he isn't with her, and you know he's never going back to her again."
"It's not that. It's just that I don't know how many times I can let my heart get broken." The tears were back, and she hated it.
"Rachel, sweetie, listen to yourself." Kurt squeezed her hand.
"No, you listen. I gave everything I had, and it wasn't enough. I'll never be enough. I love him, but I'll never be enough." Her heart broke all over again. "I wish it were different, Kurt, but it's not. I can't do it again; I can't keep putting my heart out there so that it can get stomped on like that."
She sat in silence for a moment, steeling herself for breakfast because she knew that Finn would be arriving soon; she of all people knew how hungry he was most of the time. She dried her eyes and made her way back to the table with Kurt and Mercedes by her sides, and she glanced around the table, noticing that it was already filling up rather quickly.
He didn't try talking to her again at breakfast; she'd cried before, and he sure as hell wasn't going to make her cry again. The sun was bright, and it was completely clear, which meant that the girls were all stretching out to take in the sun; Santana was wearing this ridiculously tiny thing that barely covered anything, and Brittany was wearing something almost exactly the same except hers was blue instead of red. But all he could think about was that there was Rachel, sitting on a towel next to Kurt, a pair of sunglasses over her eyes and wearing this little pink bikini with black stars all over it; she was rubbing sunscreen on her legs, and god, he wanted to do that for her. But he couldn't, which was kind of stupid considering he'd done a lot more the night before. He just couldn't get it out of his head. She stretched out, relaxing on her back, and he saw it again, that tiny little gold star glittering in the sun.
"Dude, I still can't believe Santana convinced Berry to get pierced." Puck's voice carried across the silence; Finn was suddenly glad that most everyone had headphones on or was involved in some intense conversation. "It's kind of hot."
"Don't talk about her like that." Finn found himself hissing as he seated himself next to his best friend.
"What? The fact that she got it pierced means she wants someone to see, and that's sexy. You're just pissed because you are just now seeing it."
"Not true… I saw it last night when we…" The words slipped out without warning, and he felt like he was betraying her by revealing it.
"You did what?" Puck raised an eyebrow, nudging him hard in the ribs. "You fucked Berry last night; I thought you two were on the outs still. Way to score."
"It's not like that Puckerman; it can't be like that with her." For the first time in months, he really wants to punch his best friend. "Rachel's different. She sees things differently."
"I know that, Stretch. Damn, I've known Berry since we were like five." He'd forgotten that Puck had known her for so long. "But you did get laid last night, didn't you?"
"Shut up, Puck." He buried his face in his hands. "She left this morning. She totally freaked and ran off."
"Were you that bad?" There was a loud splash as Puck fell into the water. "What the fuck, dude?"
"I'm not in the mood for this shit, man. I don't know what to do." He stared down at his friend. "I don't want her to hate me."
"Dude, I get that. There's a reason you two are in a cabin together, and it ain't just 'cause the rest of us want to get out mack on." Finn narrowed his eyes, irritated that they were plotting without his knowledge again. "Listen, you and Berry need to get your shit together already. Hell, if Q and me can work shit out, you and Berry can. Seriously, what's it gonna take?"
"I don't know, man. She won't even talk to me. I mean last night was… holy fuck man… but this morning she wouldn't even look at me."
"Seriously, Berry's weird."
"But I like that…" Another splash had Finn in the water
"Talk to her again."
He and Puck dragged themselves out of the water, and he found himself staring at Rachel again; she had rolled over, and his eyes grazed along the curve of her back. It had been mostly dark the night before and his vision had been blurred by his exhaustion; now he could see so much more. She was so damned beautiful, and yet she was still convinced that she had to compete with Quinn and the other Cheerios; he wished more than anything that he could show her that she didn't have to compete with anyone. She was constantly afraid that he'd choose Quinn, and of course, he couldn't blame her for that fear considering that he'd let her think that Quinn was his choice before.
"You chose her, Finn, and I suppose I can't blame you." The sad resignation in her voice killed him.
"Rachel, it's not like that."
"Please don't act like you expect me to believe that. I'm not blind. You've been seeing her in secret." Hiding things from Rachel was never a good idea, and he knew that. "I'm not angry, Finn. But you could've been honest with me."
"I didn't want to hurt you." She shook her head, and her eyes looked tired; had she been crying again because he never wanted her to cry.
"If she's your choice, I will respect that." The weak smile she offered was almost painful to see. "But she won't ever believe in you like I do. She can't see you the way I see you. She'll expect you to settle for Lima and never leave. You're meant for so much more."
"Rachel…" She raised a hand to silence him.
"She'll destroy you. Don't let her destroy you, Finn. Please don't let her crush your spark. You're meant for so much more than this town." He thought he saw tears in her eyes, though he voice remained calm; when she left the choir room, he sat there, staring after her.
She'd been right, as usual; he'd confronted Quinn about it, and she'd denied giving Rachel that impression. But he knew even before that, they were never going to last. People always acted like Rachel was the bossy and high maintenance one, but there were times when Quinn gave her a run for her money. She needed someone like Puck, someone who didn't put up with her shit and told it like it was; he wasn't that guy. Puck had big plans too, not that he'd tell anyone about his hopes of getting a football scholarship and going to college somewhere as far away as possible; he'd take Quinn with him the way Rachel talked about taking Finn. A sinking feeling filled him, and he suddenly wondered if it was too late for that. God, he hoped not; he had to talk to her and fix things. He just had to.
Avoiding Finn was getting harder; Rachel tried hiding, but he was always there. He kept cornering her and saying things like "About last night" and "we should talk"; she'd stammer through a reason why she needed to escape and then run in the opposite direction. That is until she found herself hiding in Santana's cabin. She didn't know how it happened, but there she sat, across from Santana, who was actually being nice to her. It seemed odd, but ever since New York and the piercing incident, they'd been almost friends. Finn had already discovered that her favorite place to hide was Kurt's cabin, and he was lurking outside when she tried to sneak in; that left few places to go.
"Wait, so you're telling me that you crawled into bed with Hudson last night?" The Latina laughed. "And then you had sex with him? But I thought you two weren't together."
"We aren't. That's the problem."
"Did he notice it? I told you it was sexy as hell."
"Santana… is that what you are taking out of this? That Finn saw the star?" This is why she didn't go to Santana for advice; she launched a pillow in her direction.
"Ok, Berry, I get it. You aren't the 'sex without feelings' kind of girl, and you've got feelings for Finn." Rachel nodded slowly. "So why the hell don't you just talk to him? You gonna keep running because you know he'll eventually find you."
"I know that. It's just I don't know how to have that talk, and besides, I don't think we're getting back together. So the feelings don't matter."
"False!"
"Hudson is so hung up on you that he forgets to eat; seriously while we were eating lunch, all he did was stare at you. And you know that the boy loves to eat."
"That's not the point."
"Then what is the point, Berry? Damn girl, you gonna sit around feeling sorry for yourself forever? How stupid can you get?"
"Hey!" Rachel frowned. "You don't understand, but then again, how could you possibly understand what I'm going through?"
"What?"
"Let's face it, Santana; I'll always be bad for his social status. And that's always going to be important to him."
"You could've had status, Berry. And don't give me that look because yes, I know about it. I saw the tryout video when Quinn and I were cleaning up coach's office." Santana laughed. "Funny, you probably would've been one hell of a Cheerio, but you let Quinn scare you off."
"Doesn't matter, I'm glad I didn't stay. Besides, if Finn chose me because I was a Cheerio, it wouldn't be the same."
"My point exactly! I don't know why I care, Berry, except that you are so boring when you mope around and you are less annoying when you are in a good mood. But damn girl, I've never seen you give up that easily. Since when it is easier to convince you to get your belly button pierced than it is to get you to get back together with Finn?"
"First, I still can't believe that you had a fake ID ready for me to use, and you got me slightly drunk beforehand. Second, there's no convincing, it's just that I'm not going to go through last year again. I learned my lesson."
"I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one. Face it Berry, you want him as much as he wants you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be climbing into bed with him. You don't do casual sex. You do feelings, and I know you have them for him."
Why did Santana have to be right? Why did she actually have to be right this time? Part of her wished that she'd just made snide comments about her giving it up to Finn, but instead she just had to say those things. Rachel felt like crying again, but she sure as hell wouldn't cry in front of Santana. So instead the conversation turned to how impressed Santana was with the fact that Rachel seemed to dress less like a Cabbage Patch Doll this summer, and they talked like people who hadn't constantly hated each other for years. Briefly, Rachel wondered what it would be like when they returned to school; Santana, like Quinn, had already made it clear that given the opportunity she'd go back to being a Cheerio, and Rachel couldn't help but assume that any friendship that had formed between them would disappear. After all, summer was a different world, where no one told them who they should be friends with and who they had to hate.
It was getting dark, and he hadn't seen Rachel in two hours; he'd tried to talk to her after they met for supper, but she'd taken off toward the cabins the moment she'd finished eating her dessert. He hated that she avoided him like she was afraid, and he hated that she wouldn't even look at him. She'd even gone to Santana's cabin to avoid him, or so Brittney said at the restaurant. But he'd seen her head toward Kurt's cabin, meaning maybe, just maybe he'd catch her before she could lock herself away again.
"Come on, Kurt, you're my brother. If she's in there you've got to tell me." He was not proud of the fact that he was whining.
"She's not. And even if she was in my cabin, I am in no way obligated to tell you or let you see her when clearly she doesn't want to see you." He didn't understand how Kurt could be so calm about this, but then it dawn on him; Kurt knew.
"I have to talk to her."
"If this is about last night, Finn… and don't give me that look, I'm her best friend and I know everything." Kurt shook his head. "She's not ready to talk about it. I know it's a big deal, and it's hard for you to understand. But she's all mixed up about it, and she doesn't need you to confuse the matter further."
"She's mixed up about it? Hell, Kurt, how do you think I feel?" He tried to keep the edge out of his voice, but it was there anyway. "She got into my bed last night, and then we… and now she won't even talk to me. I love her, damn it, and I need her to know that. "
"You are my brother, and I love you. But you are not going to get through to her that way. She's upset, Finn. She thinks that she made a mistake last night because you two aren't together."
"But we could be together, and it was not a mistake."
"Look, I don't actually want to discuss what happened last night beyond the knowledge that it happened because you are my brother and she is my best friend." Kurt bit his lip. "But she's confused and more than a little upset. She's embarrassed, and she thinks she made a huge mistake."
"I don't get it. I just don't understand." Finn really didn't; it was far too complicated, and he just didn't understand why it had to be.
Thirty minutes later he found himself talking to a locked door; well, he was trying to talk to Rachel, but she had locked herself in her room and was refusing to talk to him. This was getting ridiculous, and he was fighting hard not to lose his temper. But he wasn't angry with her, even though he wanted to be; he was angry with himself for ever letting her go, and he was angry with himself for ever letting it get this far. Sure they were broken, but that didn't mean they couldn't be put back together again; they didn't have to be broken forever. There were so many things that he wanted to tell her, and he for months he'd been trying to come up with a way to explain things to her. But the one person he would've asked for help was the one person had trouble talking to, how unfair was that? Finally he sank to the floor, his back against the door, and he let out a sigh.
"Go away, Finn. I can't do this right now." Her back was against the door, a mirror image of his position. "I just can't."
"Rachel Berry doesn't know what that even means. The Rachel I know has never said can't in her life." He stated the fact firmly, as if there was no denying it. "But fine, if you don't want to talk to me, then don't. But I've got some things to say to you, Rach, and I'm going to say them. You may not want to listen, but I need you to hear me."
There was silence in the other room, and for a moment Finn sat there, listening for the sound of her breathing. He needed some kind of proof that she was still there at that she could hear him. He couldn't hear anything at first, and then suddenly he heard what sounded like her fist hitting the door, like a signal for him to start talking.
"I don't even know how to say any of this. I'm not good with words unless I'm singing; words were always your thing, not mine. So yeah…" His voice faded off for a moment, and he felt like an idiot; he didn't even know what to say. "Last night something happened that I never thought would, and now that it has, I don't want to let it go. I can't let it go. We were together last night, Rachel; I mean, really together. And it was the most amazing thing I'd ever felt. And this morning, I woke up, and you were gone. That really sucked because you weren't in my arms when I opened my eyes, and I realized how much I missed you."
Rachel pulled in a shaky breath, the tears already stinging her eyes again; she quickly tried to wipe them away, but the more she fought them the worse it got. She tried desperately to keep quiet so that he wouldn't know she was crying again. She turned to face the door, though she wasn't sure why; briefly her hand reached for the doorknob, but it dropped when he started to speak again.
"We're broken, Rach, and I don't want us to be broken anymore. What you did really killed me because I love you and I trust you; I never in a million years thought that you could hurt me like that. It broke me, and it broke us. All I could feel was how much it hurt, and for a long time I did everything I could to get away from it. I ran, and I used anything to distract me from how I felt. I don't want to run away anymore, Rachel. Because I realized that I shouldn't be running away from you or from us. What I'm trying to say is that I love you, Rachel, and last night was like some kind of miracle because for the first time in what seems like forever, we were together. I need you to know that. I need you to know that I can't stand that we're still broken. And I'm saying all this even though you probably aren't even by the door anymore because if I don't I'm going to explode. I love you, and I'm always gonna love you."
On the other side of the door, as he was standing up to leave her alone, Rachel pressed her palms to the door, her forehead resting on the cool smooth surface. She whispered 'I love you too', though she knew he couldn't hear her. Tears slid down her cheeks as she stood; the urge to fling open the door and chase after him was overwhelming, but instead she moved to dig through her bag to find an oversized sweatshirt clearly too big to belong to her. She inhaled deeply as she buried her face in the fabric, remembering the night he gave it to her because she looked cold while they were watching a football game he'd begged her to watch with him. She changed into a tank top and pair of shorts, then pulled the sweatshirt over her head and curled up in her bed, letting the tears fall as she tried to sleep. And just a few feet away, Finn flung himself onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow and trying not to wonder whether Rachel had even heard everything that he said.