i do not own.
the chapter after this one had me crying. i read a bit to my mother. she was amazed. (or was she just giving me a full head?) but for now enjoy this one.
hope you like sis.
Neji woke to pain in his arm mouth and butt. He was in bed. And it was clean. Plus his arm was wrapped. Still he stayed lying down. Unable to get up. He would have healed himself but it would be too dangerous in his unstable state of mind at the moment. He refused to think of the night before. Refused to think of anything as he looked out the window.
Watching the birds fly away. How he wished he were like them. To be free of everything, free of the pain that filled his entire being. This wasn't the fate he wanted. Maybe he didn't try hard enough to reach Kakashi, or maybe he just wasn't good enough for the man. He shook his head. Thinking of the man only made him hurt more so he stopped, and forced himself to not think of anything.
First he should search for his cousin and ask her to heal him. Then he would work on the rest on his own. He knew she would not ask questions, she would respect his wishes to deal with this on his own. She was everything he wished he could be. She meant so much to him, he would never voice it but he knew she knew how important she was to him. Her and his team meant so much to him. Even if he never showed it. He would jump to their rescue whenever they needed him. Though they were strong now and don't need his help anymore. Just like Hinata. She was stronger now, and didn't need him to watch out for her.
So when he had Kakashi he felt needed. His own selfish reason to care for someone sure, but was that reason enough to be punished in such a way? Was it so wrong to want someone to care for? Was it so wrong for wanting someone to notice how much he could care? In the end was it better to stay masked for everyone? He shook his head again as he stood on shaky legs. The pain was unbearable. He walked out and headed to the main house member section of the compound. His steps uneven and his balance worse. He was almost there when his vision blurred.
He woke to a dull pain. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. "I healed you," he heard her unease as his eyes drifted to hers. She seemed to understand. So she didn't continue. As he stood she helped him steady himself.
"Thank you Hinata." She nodded as he made his way out. He didn't plan on upsetting her more so he left. His thoughts blank as he walked back to his apartment. He half expected Kakashi to be sitting there waiting for him and the memories came back. He fell to his knees and grasped the fabric over his heart. Tears ran down his face.
He couldn't lie to himself; it hurt him greatly to know that he was used. But what hurt even more was knowing he wasn't good enough for Kakashi. What hurt more was knowing that Kakashi didn't want to open up to him. No, he chose to use him and leave proving that there was nothing keeping him there. Neji wiped his tears and tried to keep himself busy with cleaning his apartment.
After everything was clean he eyed the scroll and gift. They stayed on his kitchen table. He couldn't move them. He really didn't want to move them really. So they stayed there. And he would just stare at them.
It was cold out, the birds weren't flying anymore. And snow covered the streets. Neji decided that he liked the snow. It was cold and unfeeling. Just like the man walking by himself out there. His silver hair seemed grayer in the falling snow as it melted in it. Neji could tell the man was headed to the mission's office again. Naruto noticed him staring out the window and followed his gaze. He jumped up and ran out. Neji sighed as he saw Naruto confront the man on leaving mission after mission. He saw Kakashi say something and continue walking. Soon Naruto entered looking shocked. Sakura asked him what happened and he stared blankly.
"I think Kakashi finally lost his mind. All I asked him was why he wouldn't stay in the village and spend some time with us, and his friends. And he said to me that he could care less for us. That we are a bother to him and that he didn't need friends." Everyone looked shocked. "No, that's not the worse, he told me that he was a shinobi he lived to kill and get killed. That nothing else mattered." He sat down looking like someone just told him Santa clause didn't exist. "It was the way he said it guys. 'Only in my way, kill get killed. No more no less.' It was like he wasn't even talking to me!" everyone gave him an apologetic smile. Sakura nodded. "I noticed when he went to the mission's office that his reports were neat, and his reports are never neat. That and he walk around without reading his books." Naruto sighed "let's not worry over him for now. That man is always a mystery to us."
Neji turned back to the window. So Kakashi's sanity finally left him? Neji couldn't help but to feel guilty. He heard the conversation turn to the Christmas party all the 'rookies' were planning. Sure they weren't rookies anymore but they were still called that. It didn't bother them.
"Neji!" he turned again to see Naruto give him a look. "Well? What sex toy are you going to get Iruka-sensei?" he didn't mean to remember. He didn't mean to feel sick at that word. And he defiantly didn't mean to vomit in lee's lap. "What the hell? Neji are you sick? You should have stayed home man." he heard Naruto he could feel lee help him up. He knew he was shacking. "S-sorry lee-kun." Lee shook his head. As he cleaned up the vomit. Tenten helped Neji stand. They knew something was wrong with him. But they were kind enough not to ask.
"Sorry guys, we will take him home. Please continue without us." Everyone else at the table nodded and they left. Both helped him walk. Tenten spoke first as they neared his apartment. "We know it has something to do with sex Neji. Every time that word comes up you get like this." He nodded. Lee sighed as he opened Neji's apartment door. "We won't ask you what happened. But just know we are here for you." They sat him down on his couch. He nodded again looking at the kitchen table. They fallowed his gaze and waited for him to explain.
"I was taking care of him. He was injured. And got him those as gifts. He was so happy. Then…" lee rubbed his back and he smiled softly. "I think he was confused, or maybe his demons took over. And it hurt, but it pushed his demons away and I knew it was that or have him go insane. But it hurt so much. I begged him to stop, but he didn't. When it was over he was gone. He cleaned everything up as if it never happened." Lee growled but stayed next to him. "This hurts you more because you care deeply for him. Right?" Tenten asked and Neji nodded. He laughed bitterly. "I think I've fallen in love with him." lee hugged him and he cried. He felt as if his friends lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. They stayed with him the entire day.
He spent his days on solo missions. Hardly staying in the village long enough to drop off his report and pick up a new mission. As he walked in the mission's room he noticed it was decorated in the holiday theme. Iruka eyed him as he handed him his report. The man gave him a look but he ignored it. "Kakashi-san, your reports are perfect. Something is wrong here." Kakashi didn't bother to answer him. "May I have another mission now?" Iruka sighed and shook his head. "You cannot. Today is Christmas Eve, have you forgotten?" Kakashi tilted his head. He knew everyone was watching, he knew they were worried about him. And yet he couldn't care. His sanity was gone, he lost himself in his black abyss.
"I fail to see the importance of this holiday." He heard the gasps and saw the anger in Iuka's eyes. Only the Hokage's voice stopped Iruka from shouting. "You will not go on any mission tonight Kakashi! You have a party to attend. Your students would be disappointed if you don't go." He turned to her. His silver eye blank. "I do not care. If you refuse to give me a mission then I am going home." She glared at him. "You are going to your student's party and that is final!" she stomped off and he walked out calmly. What difference did it make he didn't bother trying to figure it out. He stared blankly at nothing as he walked home.
He stared at his hands while he sat on his couch. Nothing in his mind, everything felt empty. Eventually a voice caught his attention. He looked up to see his cousin standing in front of him. "Well?" he gave her a fake smile as he stood grabbing his bag full of presents for everyone he knew. He stopped for a moment looking at his kitchen table. The scroll and silver gift still sat there.
He picked them up and placed them in his bag. After swinging it over his shoulder he walked to his cousin and they both left his apartment to head for the party. She never questioned him and for that he was grateful. He still felt the pain in his heart but he learned to ignore it. He knew everyone was worried for him, but he would calmly tell them he was fine and they would drop it.
As they walked in he felt someone watching him. He looked up and met that one silver eye. He felt his heart stop. He wanted to run, to hide. And yet he also felt like he wanted to run towards the silver haired man. Instead he looked away and walked towards his team mates. Tenten gave him an understanding look. She knew who it was. She saw the scroll and a face mask in his apartment she smiled as he walked over to her.
"Can you put these in his bag?" he knew she knew who he meant as he handed her the gift and the scroll. She nodded and left to put them in the sensei's bag. He himself began searching for bags and put their gifts in them. Only Iruka had his own tree. It was funny the amount of attention the man got. Still he placed his dolphin wrapped gift on top of the rest. He was sure it was the only real gift and not some sex toy. Out of curiosity he eyed his bag and smiled when he saw that it was decently filled. His name on the front of the bag. Sakura wanted to do a Santa sack theme. Everyone had their own sacks and after the feast they got to open everything they received. It was a good idea really. Gave the party an organized feeling. Leave it for the girl to want things organized. He made his way were his team mates sat.