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this is my favorite chapter.
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He watched as the Hyuga's walked in. he stared right into those milky orbs. And he saw both fear and longing in them. When the Hyuga broke the eye contact he sighed. There was no longing. He looked at the table marker 'the rookies sensei's!" all the teachers stared at each other and he stared down at the table. Sure they were missing a sensei but the added sensei made them all feel a bit jealous.
Just below that in big bright letters that took all the attention was 'Iruka-sensei!' said teacher blushed "well! I did teach all of them first…" he fidgeted under their stares. Not only did he get all the attention on the table marker but they had to add another tree just for his presents. He was as everyone dubbed the most loved teacher of them all.
"I wonder how Genma will react to this…" Kurenai spoke in a taunting voice. Iruka blushed even more. And Gai added "Yosh! I heard he was banned from coming because of everyone in here threatening to kill him!" Iruka slammed his head on the table. In all truth Genma refused to go saying that those kids just loved to pick on him when all he did was be in love with their favorite sensei. Though Kakashi stayed quiet he didn't bother taunting the man.
"Kakashi is something bothering you?" he looked at Kurenai and gave her a blank stare. "How many have you killed? Do you keep count?" they all eyed him. Gai spoke up "hey now Kakashi, you shouldn't take so many assassination missions right after the other. It messes with your sanity." Kakashi turned to look at his students. His sanity? He wasn't sure if it was still there. "Sanity? What sanity?" the table grew quiet and he gave a fake smile.
"What a nice party." They all nodded at him afraid he finally lost it. When the food was served he just stared at it. Iruka turned to him. "Aren't you going to eat?" he shook his head. "Not his dumplings." Gai laughed. "Why not? Neji makes really good dumplings." He smiled at them and he knew they knew it was fake. Though they let him be, for they didn't want to question him. He knew he was scaring them and he couldn't care. After everyone ate and chatted for a while Sakura called for everyone to gather in the middle as presents were being opened.
She smiled as she stared at them all. "Seeing as Iruka-sensei has the most he doesn't have to open them now, I am sure most should be opened with Genma!" all the younger generation roared with laughter and Iruka fainted. "So we will skip him and move on to our senseis!" Kakashi watched as Sakura, Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke carried a huge bag over to him as the other teams carried their bags to their respective sensei.
Even Asuma's team had a bag which they took to Kurenai. Stuff for her baby named after his father. She started first and everyone gushed over the baby's stuff. Then Gai and everyone laughed as he cried about the youthfulness. When it was Kakashi's turn he opened the bag and his visible eye widened.
The scroll and that present were at the top of the pile. And it made his heart freeze. He couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Just stare at them. How? After what he did to him. Why would he show any kind of kindness? "Sensei! Open your presents already!" he was pulled back to reality.
The thin line of his sanity was breaking fast. No, this was too much. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve his kindness after what he did. He stood feeling the shattering pieces of his mind scatter into dust and float away from his reach. He couldn't think, his heart ached and his mind was lost now. Surely they would lock him up now. He walked away without looking at them without pulling out a single present. Sakura stood in front of him anger filled her eyes.
"What the hell sensei! You can't leave till you open each present!" he shook with his own anger wanting so much to strike her his heart told him to stop. His insanity told him to strike. Suddenly all the male members stood in front of her shielding her from his rage. "Why are you so angry?" she asked behind the three males. Everyone was watching. His voice wasn't his own. The crazed tone filled his ears. No, he was gone. Stuck to watch from a corner indulging in self-pity.
"Angry? Me? No. I want to kill you. That is all. Shinobi need not kindness, love kills. Love hurts, shinobi know nothing more than to kill and get killed. To hurt and get hurt. Are you still a child to think a party and a few gifts will wash away the blood on your hands? Can you stand in your own puddle of blood and keep your sanity? You know nothing of being a shinobi. You know nothing of true suffering. I can kill you without even blinking. And what will I feel? Nothing." He heard gasps. He felt people pull out kunai and yet he stayed staring at them. His students. He felt nothing, his insanity wouldn't let him. He pointed to the bag.
"I do not deserve such a luxury after all that I have taken. Do not force me to take what should not be mine. Sanity was not worth that. Hate me, kill me, and leave me in my puddle. But do not feed me your kindness as if I never hurt you. Do not forgive me of my sins. Why are you trying to save me?" he wasn't speaking to his team. They knew that. Everyone in the building knew he wasn't speaking to them. No one dared to move. It was then that they noticed the one person who didn't pull out a kunai. The same person who walked to Kakashi's bag pulling out a silver gift and a scroll. Neji walked in between Kakashi and his team. He stared in Kakashi's visible eye. He could see that the man lost his sanity completely.
"I try because you are also human. Even you the great Hatake Kakashi can break. And even you with your sanity gone deserve kindness and forgiveness. Do you think you could take my life and not feel anything? What you took left you crazy how would taking my life leave you then?" Kakashi shook his head staring at the young man. He didn't notice anyone else in the room. No one else existed for him. He felt tears fall from his eyes.
"Not you, never you. Do not force your kindness onto me." Neji stared at him lifting his gifts. He hesitated. "Why do you forgive me? Why do you not hate me?" Neji tilted his head. "Why are you so against my forgiveness?" Kakashi backed up. Fear filled his eye. He wanted to run. To hide from the one man that forced him to feel things he never thought he would feel.
"Stop, just stop! What is wrong with you? You call me crazy? Before you stands a killer, a shinobi capable of taking the lives of children and not so much as shedding a tear for them! Before you stands the monster that caused you pain and yet you wish to forgive me? You are the mad one! Why do you insist on trying to save me? Do you think that I could not kill you? You think I am in love with you? Do not think so greatly of yourself. You are but a child playing with a fire you cannot control!" Neji stared at him. He could see the hurt and yet Neji stayed.
"You do not mean what you are saying." Kakashi stepped forward grabbing the gifts and tossed them at a wall. "Stop! What part of I want nothing to do with you do you not understand! Leave me be! You make me sick with your kindness! You show weakness with your forgiveness!" Neji shook tears threatening to fall. "b-but, i-"Kakashi glared at him. "You love me?" Neji lowered his gaze. And Kakashi felt himself breaking. He didn't mean it. None of it. And yet he couldn't stop himself from saying it. "Then you really are the mad one here! What made you think I would ever return your feelings? I am a shinobi I will never waste my time with such attachments to life." He saw Neji shake and yet he couldn't move. His throat hurt from yelling.
"That is enough Kakashi. You did your damage, leave him alone. Leave at once." He turned his head to stare at Gai. The man looked rightfully angry. And he walked out. Feeling the angry stares. His chest ached. His world fell apart around him.
He walked over to the wall Kakashi had thrown his gifts at. His team walked up to him. Tears fell as he grabbed the fabric over his chest. Tenten picked up the now dented gift and the scroll. Lee wiped away his tears. Everyone else in the room stayed quiet. Neji sighed as he stood up. "I want to go home." His friends nodded as they helped him walk outside. No one tried to stop them.
Again they stayed with him the whole night. No one brought it up. Somehow it was understood that it was in the past now, and should be forgotten. The next day they actually enjoyed the visitors they got. Even Genma and Iruka showed up. To thank him for not giving them a sex toy.
To everyone he looked normal, as if not fazed by Kakashi's words. No one spoke of the man, in fact no one saw him much. He spent most of his time on high ranking missions. And not even the Hokage could stop him. Iruka gladly gave him missions if it meant keeping him away from Neji. Not that he even tried to see the man. Neji kept the gift and scroll on his kitchen table. No one could make him toss them out. And though he was always rather quiet his team started to worry over him. He devoted himself in hospital work. Hardly ever going on missions with them. Eventually it passed over and everyone chose to forget the incident.
Everyone but Neji himself, he ached for the man. He wanted so badly for the man to show up and say he was sorry that he didn't mean any of it. But it was a lost cause. He continued to work in the hospital hoping to heal the man if he ever came in. but he never did. And Neji realized just how pathetic he was becoming. Waiting for a man that obviously didn't want him. So he surrounded himself with his friends. Occupied himself with their every whim. Tried desperately to not think of the man. It worked well enough for him.