Morning Musings

Booth will be on television today. I admit, I am very happy that I don't have to be with him for the press conference. He blames Hannah for this press conference, but I don't know why exactly. She is a journalist and pushing for the truth is what they do - even if they have to lie to get it. It's an odd undertaking. Hopefully, that he will keep him busy today. Too busy to stop by the lab for some reason that is just as easily taken care of by email.

Last night was...difficult. I was already feeling overwhelmed by the events of the day. Throughout the day I could still see his face as told me that I really was the one, that he loves me. The feel of his mouth on mine, each remembrance sent chemicals roaring through by body, preparing it for sex so that I was perpetually wet between my thighs. Then, between informing the victim's parents of their son's death and dinner afterward my emotional self was fighting to take over. How I managed to not to kiss him again, not to drag him through the door of my apartment and entice him to engage in sexual intercourse right there...I don't know.

In Maluka I would dream about having sex with him. He was the only masturbatory fantasy that could bring me to orgasm. I would see things in the jungle, along the shore and wonder what he would think of them. I worried about him in Afghanistan...that was part of my realization. I was going to worry about Booth whether I was with him or thousands of miles away. I would hear his opinion on things whether he was by my side or not. And I would physically desire him, to the point that other men held no sexual interest for me anymore. I had changed without realizing it, and there was no changing back. Even when we came back and I discovered that he also had changed.

There were so many things I'd wanted to tell him, but when he showed me her picture, said it was serious, those thoughts died. I buried them in an instant and wasted no time mourning. Love... Clearly it was an ephemeral experience, or if not, it was one I would most likely never fully experience.

Throughout his relationship with Hannah I was angry with myself. I had been attracted to him immediately; from the moment I heard his voice and saw him across the room, an absolute alpha male, challenging me in my own domain. He meant to fluster me, I'm sure, but I simply refuted his incorrect statement. I dismissed the class, and as he walked toward me I could feel that the chemicals that create sexual arousal had already started flowing through my bloodstream. Judging by his dark, dilated eyes that discreetly perused my body, I knew the same was happening to him.

I hadn't felt that much stimuli since...Michael. When he gave me his challenge I felt as driven to prove myself as I had with Michael. I don't know why I thought I had to prove I was the best to him. I had my credentials. I had even surpassed Michael, which had definitely put a wedge in our sexual friendship. Yet, I was driven to find out all I could about this dead girl. I felt the adrenaline rush through me at the thought of showing him what I could do. I wanted - needed to impress him. Angela noticed my urgency, and when I admitted that the man who wanted the information was attractive, she agreed to work up a sketch for me.

The feeling should have warned me about what was happening, but feelings were things I'd long since locked away. They were allowed out for a unique scientific find, babies, and the occasional sad movie seen with Angela. (She calls them "Chick Flicks" which makes no sense to me).

Thus, it is not until recently that I've seen that my initial reaction to Booth was very similar to the one I'd had with Michael all those years ago. He doubted my abilities, and that challenge felt familiar. While I had engaged in many very pleasurable sexual encounters and connections, nothing had made me feel the way I had with Michael way again - until Booth...

"Dr. Brennan!"

I am snapped out of my musing by the irate voice of Sweets. He is leaning forward on my desk, legs akimbo, and a scowl across his youthful countenance.

"Hello, Dr. Sweets. Why are you here? Did I miss an appointment?"

My words seem to cause him more distress. He stands up and glares at me.

"I been standing here saying hello for -"

He takes a quick glance at his watch.

" - approximately three and a half minutes. Did you think if you ignored me enough I'd go away?"

"To ignore is to pretend something is not when actually you know that it is. Being that I was unaware of your presence, I could not, in fact, have been ignoring you."

In exasperation, Sweets wipes his hand down his face.

"Fine, whatever. I'm here because I worked up a profile on your victim's killer."

"Isn't that something you would address with Booth?"

"Normally, yes. However, I was told he's unavailable this morning and I am leading a group therapy session dealing with PTST, and will unavailable this afternoon."

I often forget that Sweets does have other duties than following Booth and me around all day.

"Very well, what thoughts do you have on this?"

"Thoughts?"

"Yes, thoughts"

I don't understand his questioning, and he appears upset again.

"So I've moved up from guessing now. Excellent!"

"I have come to see that you do in fact apply logic to very unpredictable variables. While certainly not what could be called facts, they do require the ability to take a vast amount of data to create a workable hypothesis. It takes great skill, intellect, and thought to do so."

"Wow. Okay...I think that's the most respectful thing I've ever heard you say about my work. I'm -"

" - Sweets, what do you need me to tell Booth?"

"Right, the profile. The attacker is most likely someone very attached to the victim."

"That's impossible, Sweets people are not -"

"- By attached, I mean the person knew and had a personal connection to the victim."

"What is the basis for this hypothesis?"

"The victim was severely beaten in a seemingly random manner of attack. The number of breaks suggest a beating out of anger or rage. However, there is NO signs of injury to the victim's face."

"This is correct. The victim's face shows no sign of injury."

"That fact implies that the attacker cared about the victim. To wage such a severe beating on every part of the body, and yet not touch the face shows that the attacker, even within a rage, could not bear to destroy the face of the victim."

"Sweets, I fail to see the logic in this. How can being beaten to death be a sign of caring for someone?"

"I would say that this was likely to be someone with a temper, someone very invested in who the victim was, and that something occurred that enraged the attacker, causing a violent response. This is a person used to being in authority, and any infraction to the rules he or she imposes sets off a rage reaction."

"So you're saying that the attacker knew the victim?"

"Yes...or thought so. We're looking for an obsessive personality, who -"

"Like Pam."

Sweets, who had been pacing intensely as he spoke, stopped. He pauses before looking at Brennan.

"Yes, like Pam."

For a moment I see Booth before me, his blood pouring through my hands, shot by a woman aiming for me - because of a non-existent love relationship between her and Booth, a relationship that I was jeopardizing.

"Dr. Brennan?"

I am startled out of my memory, but the memory does bring up a question."

"If the attacker was obsessed with the victim, why would they kill them?"

"The attacker most likely saw the victim as disappointing his or her expectations, and, as I said, became enraged. It's not unusual for a stalker to kill the object of their obsession."

"The victim would have known his attacker - there really was so little head trauma. The attacker was close enough to swing a bat and strike the victim.

"That's entirely possible. Like I said, the attacker had to care about the victim, so they may in fact have known each other. However, there isn't a way for me to ascertain the victim's relationship to the attacker, only the attacker to the victim."

"I will give your information to Booth. Perhaps he can find out if our victim had any fans that were inappropriate in their behavior."

Sweets nods, but then just stands there. He appears to be staring at my floor.

Dr. Sweets, is there anything else?"

Umm, yeah..."

He is still standing there. Finally, he stops looking at my floor.

"Do you know if Agent Booth is...really out somewhere, or is he just trying to avoid me?"

"I doubt he is trying to avoid you any more than he usually does. However, today he actually had to attend an early press conference."

"A press conference?"

"Yes."

Sweets gives a short laugh, "Will Hannah be attending?"

"I assume so, but -"

Sweets rolls his eyes, "A 'press conference.'

"Yes. A press conference. Have you been having hearing issues, Sweets? If so - "

"Dr. Brennan, he isn't at a press conference, he's with Hannah! Like, really Booth, you're using codes now? That certainly inspires partner trust. Jesus..."

Sweets words surprise me, and for a moment I give them consideration. However, logic wins out over my fears. Booth would have no reason to plot such an elaborate ruse. Especially one that could so easily be proven false.

Now, I must decide what to do about Sweets. Clearly he is unaware of Booth's breakup and I don't want to be the one to inform him. At the same time Sweets is becoming more agitated, and I would rather Booth not have to deal with Sweets in such a state. Booth might actually hit him.

"Booth really is at a press conference, Sweets. There has been some question about the FBI's competence in handling our cases and it was decided that Booth needed to address them."

"What! When did this happen?"

"Last night on the 6:00 news."

"Oh, really? What channel?"

"The same one that Hannah appears on."

"Hannah's network ran a negative story on the FBI and didn't tell Booth?"

I'm surprised by his change in demeanor. He seems to find this idea very pleasing. However, I don't want to encourage more conversation, so I just nod. He reacts by suddenly clapping his hands together, and a huge grin appears on his face.

"Man, this is gonna be EPIC! Tell Booth I will totally need to speak with him today."

Epic? I don't understand his use of the word, but don't ask about it.

"I will relay the message."

I am not sure if he heard me as he turned and left at a very fast pace.

I hope I haven't created a problem for Booth. Booth...I am curious to find out the outcome of this morning's events. Booth had seemed worried, but I fail to see how the facts could possibly be interpreted as anything but excellent work. I can also admit to myself that the other thought in my mind is concern over how Booth will feel once he sees Hannah again.