A/N: Just so there's no confusion here, this fic is about Wordy doing car-pool duty for one of his (unnamed) daughters, and four of her classmates. Only one classmate has been given a name - Miles- just because it's easier to keep track of all the people speaking. Enjoy.

Five Things That Never Happened to Kevin Wordsworth

Minivan Express

"Okay, gang, is everybody buckled in all safe and sound?"

"Yes!"

"Yeah!"

"Me, too."

"I am, Daddy."

"Yes, Mr. Wordsworth!"

"Great. Everybody had a potty break before we left the school?"

"Yes!"

"Yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"I didn't have to go, Daddy."

"I didn't either, Mr. Wordsworth."

"Well, that's good. Welcome aboard the 'Wordsworth Coach', kids. Destination: Royal Ontario Museum, where you're going to see a lot of cool stuff for your field trip...I'm Mr. Wordsworth, which Miles already seems to know, and I'll be your driver today, as well as your en-route entertainment. Ahem-ahem!...The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and rouuund-"

"Da-ddy!"

"Yes, honey?"

"This isn't a bus; it's a van!"

"You're absolutely right...Okay, how's this? The wheels on the van go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the van go round and round, all through the town!"

"Hey, Mr. Wordsworth, do you know any other songs?"

"Why sure, Miles. Any special requests?"

"I dunno. Just nothing lame like 'The Wheels on the Bus'. That's for like, kids in Kindergarten! We're in Grade Two."

"Okay, gang. Miles wants something more sophisticated. You guys want to hear something else?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay!"

"Sure."

"If you want to, Daddy."

"Yes, Mr. Wordsworth!"

"Hmm, let's see, then... Something mature enough for the smart seven-year-olds that you are, but not so crazy that your parents will be mad at me if you go home tonight and sing it for them..."

"My parents won't be mad, Mr. Wordsworth."

"Thanks for the heads up, Miles... Okay, howabout this one: De hat I got for Chreestmas ees too beeg. Eet's nice, but my sombrero ees too beeg! Ees eet raining? Ees eet snowing? I can't see where I am going, de hat I got for Chreestmas ees too big!"

"Mr. Wordsworth, what's a 'sombrero'?"

"It's one of those big, Mexican hats, Miles."

"Oh."

"Daddy, why did you sing that song like that?"

"What do you mean, sweetheart?"

"The words were all funny. Like 'Chreestmas'. It just sounds all wrong."

"Oh, well... that's just the way it goes. It's sort of like a parody; a novelty song."

"Mr. Wordsworth..."

"Yes, Miles?"

"What's a 'parody'?"

"Uh, it's sort of like when you poke fun at something. Like making a joke about someone or something serious."

"But, Mr. Wordsworth, our teacher says making fun of people isn't nice. She says making fun of people is mean, and we shouldn't tease."

"Oh, well, this is different, Miles... a parody isn't supposed to be mean...it's just supposed to make people laugh..."

"Maybe you should do a different song, Dad."

"Well, why don't you guys sing something? I'm sure your teacher has taught you stuff in school..."

"Oh, oh! I know! Daddy, can we sing 'I Know an Old Lady' ?"

"Sure, honey. Take it away."

"Okay! Miles, I'll start, and then you can do that part that goes 'I guess she'll die', alright?"

"Alright."

"Good! I know an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed the fly..."

"..."

"Miles...it's your turn..."

"What? Oh, sorry."

"Well? Go ahead. Sing your part."

"Um...Mr. Wordsworth, where are we?"

"What, Miles?"

"I think we're lost!"

"We're not lost, Miles."

"But this isn't the way to the Royal Ontario Museum! My dad took me and my cousins last Summer, and we didn't go this way. We're going to miss the field trip!"

"I'm taking a different way. Don't worry, we're not going to miss anything."

"Oh...okay."

"Daddy, I'm bored! Miles won't sing along with me, and there's nothing else to do!"

"Honey, we're almost there. It's not much longer 'til we're there, really."

"How much longer?"

"About ten minutes."

"Ugh! Ten minutes?"

"If you don't want to sing anymore, why don't you play a game, like 'I Spy'? You like that game don't you?"

"I guess..."

"Mr. Wordsworth..."

"Yes, Miles?"

"I gotta use the bathroom..."