A/N: WELL HELLO EVERYBODEH! (im in a rather good mood, or emotional mood I suppose, high highs and low lows..) anyways! Just a few important-ish notes yeah?
Shewritesforher- Shewritesforher- Shewritesforher- Shewritesforher- (4x, cuz…)
Like one thousand points to you for getting at a question I had answered in my head, but not exactly in my writing…. Just from experience, at the school I go to if you come late you don't exactly get uniforms from a shop, you generally get them from like the lost and found? Or a few extras the school keeps… Kinda sucks, unless you have some friends the same size… (I would go back and put this info in somewhere when she's handed the uniforms, but something tells me you'd rather I just get a move on with the next chapter instead of fixing the technical bit…)
HappyAsIAm- KEEPING IT UP! XD
Gayasawindow- Katie vs. Emily coming up! DING DING DING! FIGHT! (ok. I have no life, I honestly laughed at that out loud…) ( that or I'm just sleep deprived.) (likely, both)
Razberry1- I AM HAPPY YOU ARE ENJOYING IT. Ten pies for you. ;]
Chleoc40- THANKS.
And to my lost reviewers such as clyyd and xxxxxxxxxxNotIntoLabelsxxxxxx (enough x's?) I MISS YOU. Review for me? ;[
Without further a due (is that really how u say it? Addue? Or adue? Or a due?) ENJOY!
(Um, so I just added this note, after writing a good share of it. I didn't realize it was going to be this erm, angsty and sad. In fact. Im fucking crying writing this fucking chapter… So I can only hope this isn't hard to read and that my emotions show through…)
Chapter 7 (EMILY'S POV) (heads up lotza Caps and Anger and swearing in this one…)
Katie glared at me from her side of the room intently until Naomi stormed out. I could practically feel the anger flying out of her, ricocheting off the walls and stabbing me.
"WHAT THE FUCK EMZ!"
I could only hope she'd let this go… but no such luck.
"EMILY WHAT THE FUCK! You fucking promised! What did Panda's seltzer fucking spill on your uniform too? IM NOT FUCKING STUPID. I don't know where the fuck you found a lake or a fucking pool but I KNOW YOU AND HER did something together. Not some fucking coincidence both of your uniforms are sopping wet… FUCKING HELL, EMILY. CAN'T YOU JUST STOP BEING GAY FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING SAKE?" She was spitting rage, obviously, this had been building up inside of her for a very, very long time.
I felt the tears in the back of my eyes started to push their way out, but my anger was overpowering my sadness.
"FUCKING HELL KATIE! YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING YELL AT NAOMI! SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" My voice was now a raspy attempt at shouting, choking back the tears. "Katie, I can't control it… It's ME, and nothing is fucking going on. NOTHING WILL EVER GO ON!" I took a deep breathe and tried my hardest to push back, to continue.
"SO JUST FUCKING. JUST FUCKING. JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF!"
Tears were pouring down my cheeks now sopping my t-shirt. I didn't make any attempt to wipe them though; I wasn't going to back down to Katie on this one. I was fucking tired. Tired of Katie and Jenna and fucking religion, this fucking school and fucking everything telling me who I could be and what I couldn't act on. I didn't ask to be gay. I just want happiness, why can't everyone just fucking let me be happy…
Katie still wouldn't let up; we were both standing face to face in the center of the room. She was slightly taller than me, and she used it to her advantage, looking down at me. I couldn't even see the love in her eyes anymore, I'd lost my mum, and now my sister was lost as well.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW NOTHINGS GOING TO HAPPEN? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT! YOU JUST HAD A FUCKING TICKLE FIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! YOU FUCKING GAY SLUT!"
I couldn't contain myself anymore, both our emotions were just getting higher and harder to just put away, I let out what I thought to be the white flag.
"She—" My tears were uncontrollable now, spilling into my mouth as I spoke, it was so hard for me to even get the words out, but I needed Katie to lay off so badly, so I pushed the sentence out.
"She has a boyfriend." I couldn't help it, but my voice betrayed me and only showed my true sadness, that I obviously had feelings for her. But what else was there to do…
"GOOD! YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE A GIRLFRIEND! YOU GET US FUCKING TRAPPED IN THIS SHITHOLE OF A SCHOOL! I HAVEN'T FUCKING SPOKEN TO MY BOYFRIEND COOK IN AGES! IF I CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE WHY THE FUCK SHOULD YOU? HE'S PROBABLY FORGOTTEN ME BY NOW! YOU'RE JUST A FUCK UP! I WISH YOU FUCKING DIED. I WISH YOU FUCKING DIED THAT NIGHT SO MUCH. EVERY FUCKING DAY I WISH YOU WERE DEAD."
I faded out of the world when Katie's rant just kept going on and on. What do you do when your sister wishes you were dead? What the fuck do you do when the only person you think you want to live for doesn't necessarily want to live for you? What if you were sick of living for other people? What if you were sick of living?
I remembered the night I gave up. The night that I was done with life. The night I could never forget no matter how much I begged for it to go away.
"I love you."
She whispered into my ear. It sent chills into my spine, and all I wanted to do was stay like this forever. I was so in love, I grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a passionate kiss, she gladly accepted. We were both giggling whenever we stopped to catch breathes of air before resuming the burning passion within us, not because we were high, but we were both so happy. I could've died right then, and still have been happy.
"Emily? Is that you?"
I quickly pulled my lips from the girl in front of me; both our hands were still entwined. My chance of dying happily was gone. I was in shock. I had managed for an entire year to hide us from Katie, from my family. It was me and my lover, nothing in the way. That was the night everything shattered to pieces. I was never going to live again. I was never going to be me.
Next thing I knew, Katie was ripping her away. Telling her to fuck off, listing hurtful, painful names at her, which were crushing the shattered pieces smaller and smaller. I had collapsed onto the ground and was hyperventilating, wincing at every word of hatred pouring out of Katie. Katie was then pulling me from the side of the house to the inside. She threw me onto my bed and started yelling questions at me. I couldn't answer any of them, my happiness had taken my voice with it when it faded away.
Katie was still my sister then. She even felt slightly guilty when Jenna overheard her. I knew Katie was still my sister because of her guilt. But Jenna slammed the door open and slapped me.
"I'm so ashamed of you."
With that, my mum was gone. Or maybe she wasn't, maybe it was me who was gone.
Katie and Jenna left me crying, gasping for air and went downstairs and were yelling together. Not at each other, but about me. They were too frustrated to yell in front of me, and get no responses. But a dead person doesn't talk, do they…
I reached into my pillow and pulled out the little fabric case. I knew this day would come, I prayed it wouldn't. I said I would believe, I would believe all the religion shit, if God just made this day never come. But it did. And I was done believing. I took every last one of the pills in the fabric pouch.
Two days later I woke up, and Jenna was sitting next to me. I regretted opening my eyes. I wished they never opened again. I wished my hearing would be gone forever. But when Jenna saw I was awake and started talking to me, I stopped wishing. I stopped hoping.
"You are such a stupid girl. You think killing yourself will make everything better? Maybe it would. But that would fuck up your father, leaving me a mess to clean up, and I'm not fucking having any of it. I've enrolled you in a school where they will fix you. Katie will be there to make sure you don't fuck up again."
As soon as the hospital discharged me, Jenna drove Katie and I to the new school. I fucking hated it. But Katie told me to stop fucking moping and to fucking try and be normal. I could never be normal. I caused trouble at first hoping to get kicked out. I even started a fire once, but it wasn't enough. The only comfort I had at the end of the day was that I knew there was another fabric pouch waiting for me if I was ready for the final escape; I had more this time to make sure I wouldn't fail.
I managed to look put together, after all it had been two years in this shithole with minimal opportunities to come home. Jenna would always beg the school to start a summer program, just for me, but too bad they couldn't start one for just one unwanted kid. I spent those summers locked up in my room, forbidden to go out and meet anyone. Jenna was petrified I'd find my lover again. But after that night she never did speak to me again, nor did I ever see her.
Everything stopped mattering when I saw her. Katie was in a really foul mood and was yelling at me the night things changed. I was thankful when Effy and Panda came by and lightened her up. They were able to take her attention off of me, and make her sound happy. I knew Katie also hated it here. I couldn't blame her for blaming me, but nevertheless, it was shit being blamed. Anyway, Panda had told us to come and meet her new roommate.
My stomach instantly filled with butterflies, and I begged them to go away. However, over that short amount of time I couldn't do anything but give into my feelings. I was almost petrified when she said she liked politics. I really didn't want her to kill herself like the politics teacher over a silly passion. She was too beautiful. That was when I decided I had to pursue her, I needed happiness. For the first time, (somehow my previous lover didn't match up enough to even count), I knew I had to live because I had someone to live for.
"Katie, I'm not staying in here anymore."
She quickly went silent. Her face was red from yelling at me, but I could tell her voice was getting sore and she needed a break.
"You have no where else to go. We are both fucking trapped in this school remember? Trust me, I fucking wish you didn't have to stay here anymore."
I grabbed my pillow and stuffed my clothes into my duffel bag. It wasn't much so I was able to do it fast. I stuffed my blanket under my arm and the rest of my stuff in my hands.
"I'm moving in with Effy. I'm done talking to you Katie. Goodbye."
I shut the door gently, while Katie just stood there speechless. I could sense her small feeling of regret. I knew she didn't want me to die, but it wasn't healthy. I was going to have to cling onto what little hope I had.
The hall was still dark, but I could make out the figure near the door.
"Hi, Effy. I'm moving in with you."
"Sick of being I doormat then?" her tone was gentle, but enough to send me back into a crying mess.
She got up and opened her door and softly pulled me in. She set up a sheet and my blanket and pillow on the empty bed and brought me over to lay down on it. While I cried she gently patted my back and said everything would be okay. That Katie didn't really hate me, that she was just scared. She also told me Naomi was just scared. I don't know how she knew to say that, but it comforted me while making me cry the most of all. Effy had stopped talking after awhile but I still was able to hear her voice calming me down inside my head until the second I fell asleep.
WELL. HOWS THAT FOR A FUCKING CHAPTER?
Jeezus. I think I cried a bit while writing that. I wasn't expecting that chapter to be anything like that… just sort of came out. Anyway, this one is definitely the closest to my heart, so I would be extremely appreciative if you reviewed it…
I really hope I didn't fuck up the story… THANKS FOR READING...