Hi everybody. This is one fucking intense chapter. AND A LONG ONE TOO –YAY!
–If you are offended by the word "fuck" in it's numerous forms, please don't feel forced to read this chapter.
This chapter is more backstory, Emily's PoV, but actually more-so Katie's.
Plenty will be revealed within this angstyness. Particularly those of you who know deep down Katie ain't so fucking bad. ;) Thank you all for bearing with me.
Enjoy the read. All mistakes are my own. Always.
Chapter 13 - Emily's PoV
"Owch!"
"What the fuck?"
Naomi and I sat up, or rather, attempted to. The mattress fort had collapsed on us, and we were struggling to climb out. We were already entangled in each others embrace making breaking free all the more hard.
When we managed to uncover ourselves, setting the 'roof' to the side, and sit straight we looked up in front of us and saw a few sets of feet before us. Both of our gazes slowly panned upwards to see who they belonged to.
"About fucking time you woke up, you two fell asleep on our fucking beds… fucking bed thieves…" Katie shifted onto her other foot. Panda and Effy were both standing next to her unsure what exactly was going to happen now.
"Whoops, we meant to return them." Naomi muttered awkwardly.
I didn't know what the fuck to say… it hadn't been exactly so long since Katie and I had the fight the other day… And I was certain that was the most heated confrontation I've had to have with her. Katie noticed I couldn't look her in the eyes. There wasn't any way either of us were going to be able to move on properly, especially if I kept quiet and within her shadow and if she kept too proud to make an apology.
Naomi was fidgeting with her ring uncomfortably; I hadn't told her what went on between Katie and I after she left the room that night. She had enough to worry about, it was enough to her to explain to me her own problems, we were both so emotionally drained after this afternoon that we fell asleep almost immediately…
The awkward silence had become unbearable when Katie decided to be the bigger person… Well, not really bigger person, I had to keep telling myself the row was all her fault, otherwise I might be tempted to actually let myself think more about the hurtfulness of her words which I tried so desperately to hide deep, deep within me, away from the thoughts that passed through my mind throughout the day.
"Can Emz and I have some fucking privacy?" Katie glared around the room. Certainly no one in the room was bold enough to stand up to Katie's glare of death, so Effy and Panda quickly disappeared into the hallway. Naomi looked at me concerned, but I just nodded that it was okay, so she too disappeared after giving my hand a squeeze of assurance. Naomi may not know what is happening, but she sure as hell could read the sad expression that was consuming me.
In all truth, I was fucking scared shitless about being in a room alone with Katie again. But at least this time Naomi wasn't one-hundred percent forced out, I still had a voice enough to tell her to stay if I needed her. Naomi closed the door behind her, and Katie slowly stepped towards me as if to physically express that she didn't intend to kill me now.
Hell, it was necessary; Katie said she wanted me to fucking die the other day. I was in a fucking embrace with Naomi when she must've crept in with the others; she was probably fucking pissed at me and incredibly tempted to fill out her wishes herself.
"Emily. We have to talk." My heart dropped, something was unusual about Katie's tone. She looked like she was going to cry. She hardly ever let down her emotional barrier around me when it was so fragile. The hurt and anger within me, all vanished at the sight before me. If I was scared of Katie when she was fucking angry, I was billions times more frightened when she was soft and sad.
I still didn't have my voice back around Katie, it was gone. I was stuck; all I managed was a weak smile, nod, and a pat to the empty spot on the mattress next to me.
For a second I saw the look of disgust flicker on her features when I patted the spot Naomi had only recently vacated, but it was gone instantly, and she took a seat beside me.
"Look Emily, I'm fucking shit at talking… and this is fucking embarrassing, so you better not make this shit any harder for me that it already is, but I fucking love you, and I'm so fucking pissed about the things I said to you. When you left, I found something when I was looking around the room to see if you left any of your shit, and I found my old diary…"
I had no idea where the fuck this was going, but just to hear her apologize, even if she didn't actually say sorry… For fucks sake, this was Katie Fucking Fitch, you only get this kind of treatment if you're the closest thing she's got.
"Err…God… I'm only fucking showing this to you because it's the only fucking way I think I can make you understand… and I swear if you fucking make fun of me I will take back this apology…" She started to hand me a small red notebook that was tucked into her sweatshirt. "Fucking hell, you better not look at any of the other parts, shit. And don't tell a fucking soul about this, I'm fucking burning it after this…"
She hesitantly opened up to roughly about the last few pages of the notebook in her trembling hands. And was about to hand it to me, "I'm leaving you to read those pages on your own, because well, it's fucking embarrassing enough for you to read it, I don't want to be around when you do…" she gave it over, after releasing her tight grip on it, then picked herself up, gave me an awkward kiss on the top of my head and walked out of the room.
Before I looked down at the diary sitting in my lap, I laughed at myself. Here was Katie Fitch, my fucking proud and bitch of a twin, semi-opening up, apologizing... And all I could think about was, 'since when does Katie fucking write…'
I took a deep breathe; this has got to be one hell of a fucking explanation. Without further procrastination I gave my full attention to her writing.
-KFuckingF
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My life is fucking ruined. Fuck you Jenna. Fuck you Emily. Fuck you fucking priesty bastard. Fucking fuck you.
Sincerely, The Girl That No One Gives a Fuck About
The page was water-stained; it didn't take a detective to know she was crying when she wrote this. I looked around for a date but couldn't find any. 'Why would Katie even think to put a fucking date on a journal…' Sarcasm was the only way to keep myself from feeling the emotions that were practically jumping off the page. I racked up enough courage to turn the page, and felt a tear run down my cheek when I realized what was written.
-WhoFuckingCares
I do. But who gives a fuck if I care? Nobody. Fuck you Emily. Fuck you Jenna. Fuck you for making me feel so shitty. I catch Emily kissing a girl and now I have to fucking pay for it. Emily probably thinks we were yelling about her when she was fucking crying her eyes out upstairs. But no, those loud voices between Jenna and I, those were all about me. I felt like shit when Emily wouldn't even respond. She just fucking sat their, so blank. I wanted to yell at myself for caring. If I cared it hurt more. But here Emily did the thing to piss Jenna off, and I'm downstairs being lectured and cursed while she gets to sleep away. I can't believe she's doing this. She's taking everything from me. Jenna and Emily are fucking taking everything I have.
No more boys, no more Cook, no more Freddy, no more JJ. None of the girls I hang out with. Not even fucking Roundview. She fucking hates me to. I couldn't believe it when Jenna said it out loud. She said it was my fault Emily's gay. She wouldn't even say gay, but that's besides the point. HOW THE FUCK IS IT MY FAULT? Sure, I'm her fucking twin, but I don't fucking have mind control powers over her. And why the fuck would I make Emily go through something so fucking hard? Like out of all the things I would make Emily do if I could control her, why the fuck would I make her gay? SERIOUSLY? FUCK YOU JENNA.
No more parties, no more drugs, no more dancing, no more hanging out at the park and fucking doing nothing if I want to. No more alcohol, no more making friends outside of school, no more shopping, no more fucking having a life, no more coming home after school, no more kicking the shit out of James when I feel like it or listening to his comments from Gordon Mcphearson (nobody wants to say it, but what he has to say is always funny.), no more spliffs, no more tv, no more boys. FUCK YOU JENNA.
'Katie dear, I'm sending you off to a religious school with Emily. They are going to fix all the nonsense you've pushed her towards. And maybe they'll even be able to fix you. I mean, look at your grades Katie, you failed last semester. At least Emily has been keeping up with college. And guess what, they have a uniform! I won't have to hold my tongue about your slutty attire because you won't be able to wear it anymore.' Her fucking smile was tempting me so bad. I wanted to fucking kill her right then. She's not a fucking mother. She's a piece of shit. FUCK YOU JENNA.
Shit. I touched my face and felt my swollen cheeks. There was no use wiping away the freefalling tears. The horrible feeling within me was trying to be washed away, and I knew I had to let it come out. I forced myself to continue onto the next page, trying to wipe the new water spots I was dripping all over the paper.
She's dead. She's fucking dead. What have I done? It's all my fault. It's all my fucking fault.
Emily was absolutely sure when this was referring to now. She knew the night all to well. The night of her escape, the night she failed to commit suicide while Katie and Jenna were yelling downstairs. She hadn't spoken about it with Katie at all. They just moved afterwards on as if it never happened.
I hate myself. Fuck me. Fuck me. Forget about fucking Jenna. Fuck me. How could I let her kill herself? I've lost my baby sister. My twin. My Emily. My Emzy.
The rest of the page was left blank, it was too crinkled and she must've also been violently crying and needed to start on a fresh page.
-KF
What the fuck is wrong with me. I keep fucking up. 'Katie it's all your fault.' Jenna's words won't ever leave me alone. They won't stop eating at me. Jenna may be fucking mad at Emily's "wrongness", but she takes it out on me. I hate her for that. I hate her so much. She fucking taught me to push the blame somewhere else. I can't believe I told Emily to die. It was all those years, fucking building up, it's not Emily's fault. It's entirely selfish of me, but I wish I didn't let Jenna yell at me that way. I wish she would've yelled at Emily instead. I wish I could tell myself it wasn't my fault that Emily was gay. But I can't. I fucking can't not after the way I yelled at Emily. How could I fucking apologize after that. What the fuck have I done? If I were Emily, I would want to be the furthest thing from the bitch of a sister I am.
No date was needed for Emily to figure out what this was from. Katie hadn't written in this diary for a long time, but this entry was fresh. She must've written this right after they fought.
I wish I could be happy like Emily. Emily kisses a girl, and gets thrown into an all girl's school. How the fuck did that happen. Jenna's fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Of course Emily finds a new fucking girlfriend in this school. I don't give a fuck about that, just if this is Emily's fucking punishment why the fuck am I being the only one punished. Nothing's Emily's fault. Everything's my fault. That's the way it fucking is. Fuck. I wish I was dead. Everyone would be fucking happier. Well except for Jenna, but that would only be because Emily would likely be gay still, not because I was dead.
In black marker, on the cardboard back of the notebook was a message.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU EMILY. I'M SORRY I'M SHIT TO YOU. I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE TIMES I'VE WISHED YOU TO BE THE ONE JENNA YELLED AT. I'M SORRY I WISHED YOU DIED, IT WAS A LIE. I WAS scared. Scared to tell you I wanted to die. I wish I was as brave as you.
P.S. You have my blessings. Actually, fuck blessings. I fucking hate priest it's bullshit, and you're gunno be gay if you want to be, nothing gunno stop you even if the fucking church threatens to kill you. You have my permission. Yeah. Katie Fucking Fitch gives you her permission to be gay. But you're brave, so why the fuck would it matter even if you didn't have my permission? FUCK. I LOVE YOU EMZ. Katie Shum.
And if you haven't figured it out, all these years I've yelled at you, I was yelling at Jenna and myself. I love you and don't you ever kill yourself again or I'll fucking… I don't know.
And I swear, if Effy find's out about this I'll know it's you who told her. She may be all-knowing, but there is no way in hell she can know about this unless you've told her… XOXO KFF.
The tears stopped coming, the sniffling was slowing down, the shaking was becoming less harsh. I got off the mattress on the floor and walked out the door. Katie was sitting across from the door with her head tucked into her knees. The others were far off by the lounge unaware of my entrance. Katie sniffled and looked up. Just seeing her in this state made the tears I thought I had run out of come rushing out again. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a tight hug, pulling our heads closely next to each other. If the others noticed they knew to look away, they gave Katie and I our time. We just sat there, crying, holding each other, all the anger between us was gone. Katie whispered into my ear slightly tickling me.
"Only for my twin. Only for my Emzy." I don't know how long we sat there stroking each others back, squeezing each other tightly, sobbing. We were both incredibly happy, I just had to tell Katie what was aching me while I was reading her diary.
"I wouldn't be happy if you died Katie. None of us would be. So don't you dare take any influence from me and fucking kill yourself. Both of us will be ourselves okay?"
She laughed weakly and nodded herself deeper into my red hair.
Katie and I let go of each other to get a decent breathe of air. Holding each other had limited our access and we were probably close to passing out. I smiled when I saw that Naomi had been watching us, Katie looked away embarrassed, but it was so comforting to me to know how much she cared. I didn't want her to worry a moment longer, and Katie could sense how torn I was between her and Naomi.
"Emzy, fucking go tell your gal it's all cleared up. But remember, Katie fucking Fitch comes before girlfriend."
I nodded and kissed her cheek before motioning Naomi over to Effy's room. She quickly obliged, and I wasted no time pulling her into a hug. She knew I'd tell he what happened later, but for now she just wanted to cheer me up. "You know we have to put their beds back Emily, Panda's fallen asleep upside down on the couch, partly on top of Effy. It's a funny sight, but I'm pretty sure her backs going to ache unless she sleeps on something proper."
I smiled into her shoulder and took a deep breathe of all that was Naomi.
WELL. THERE YOU FUCKING HAVE IT. :D
A nice long chapter. (btw, I don't like my other story one bit anymore, too hard to do that shit, maybe I'll try something else another time, but for now, I'm really only writing for this one…)
HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT… Don't know when I'll be updating next, I have a 3 week vacation from school… But I'm going to be extremely busy, so who knows…
Review please. –Because I love them. And because it makes me write faster. And because it puts a smile on my face. And because it makes you a better person. (lol…)
THANKS to… (the alerters, favoriters, readers, followers, blah.)
AND ESPECIALLY THE REVIEWERS:
Scratchpost, happyasIam, muffmuncher, naomily93
(PS, yes there was a mix-up right when I put up chapter 12, (it got mixed up with something else) so go back and make sure you read the correct chapter 12, it's all been fixed now. THANKS.)